WHO: Mary Crawley, Jim Kirk and baby Tiberius WHAT: Spending time with the baby, aka angst WHEN: Wednesday, January 4th WARNINGS: Breastfeeding? STATUS: Closed | Complete
The tears had hardly stopped flowing down Mary’s face since she had given birth. All the same, she’d hardly allowed her son to be out of her arms in that time either. She felt as if she were being torn in two directions; her instincts as a mother were telling her to bond with her baby, and the knowledge that she would soon have to give him up was telling her not to get too attached.
It was the day after she had Tiberius, and she and Jim were in her shelter. The baby was against her chest in a sling that she wore over her shoulder. He was calm at the moment, big blue eyes looking all around the place that would be his home for about a week before Mary and Jim gave him to Arva.
Mary thought that Tiberius was absolutely beautiful and completely perfect. He reached out his little hand and grabbed onto Mary’s thumb. She smiled, despite the tears that welled in her eyes.
“Would you like to hold him?” she asked Jim.
Jim wanted to hold Tiberius but he kept his distance, pacing slightly with his arms crossed. "Uh," he said with a lot hesitation. He was worried that if he held his son, something would change. Well, not change. Just - it would be real.
"Yeah, all right." Of course he could hold his son. Jim crossed over and held his arms out for the baby. He took Tiberius from Mary carefully, swallowing hard.
All of this was real, whether Jim liked it or not. Even though they would be giving the baby to Arva, his son was real. Mary placed the baby in his hands, keeping one of hers under his head.
“Here,” she said quietly, “you have to hold his head.”
Once Jim’s hand replaced hers, Mary stepped back and looked at the two of them, new tears falling down her cheeks. How beautiful he looked holding his son.
Tiberius reached up for his father with a tiny hand. His little foot kicked at the heel of Jim’s palm.
It wasn't that Jim didn't like this. He did. He liked it too much. That was the problem. They were giving the baby to Arva. He couldn't get attached. He couldn't act like this was easy. He held the baby easily, even if the baby was tiny in his arms. He shifted a little and moved his gaze away from Mary and down to the baby in his arms.
"Wow," he breathed out. His throat tightened, and his heart thumped against his chest. He looked at Mary with wide eyes and his mouth open.
Mary grinned at the stunned look on his face. She moved behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist, laying her chin on his shoulder. Yesterday had been a long day, and even though she had rested, she was still tired from her labor.
“He's beautiful,” she murmured. “He has your eyes.”
The baby cooed as he gazed up at Jim, wiggling in his arms. This little one liked to move.
"How are you feeling?" Jim asked, nodding down toward her. Maybe if he kept his mind on her and off of his son, this decision they made wouldn't be as difficult. He never thought for a moment that it would be. Have a baby, he thought, give it to the gods, move along. And yet now that he was standing here holding Tiberius in his arms, it was impossible not to fall in love.
“Tired, but quite well,” she admitted. Mary reached over brushed her thumb over the baby’s face. Tiberius fussed in his father’s arms, whimpering a bit. Mary checked to see if he was wet.
“I think he's hungry,” she said, and carefully took the baby back from Jim. She lowered the strap to her dress and placed the child at her breast. He latched on immediately and began to feed. That had been an odd sensation the first time she had done it. Mary had breastfed George a few times, but she was such a mess of grief during his infancy that he usually ended up being bottle fed by the nanny.
Mary glanced up at Jim, curious about his reaction to something she was almost positive he'd never seen before.
Jim actually took the opportunity to glance away from Mary as she breast fed the baby, not because it made him uncomfortable (he really liked breasts, after all) but out of respect. "You're good at this," he said without thinking how that might sound in this moment.
Mary had no problem whatsoever with him looking at her while she breastfed. He was well-familiar with her breasts and it certainly didn’t bother her. She wished he would look, actually. Having him turn away made it feel like some taboo practice.
“At what? Breastfeeding?” Mary asked with a laugh. She was pretty sure that was not what he meant.
"At all of this," he said with a shrug. He rubbed his jaw and then raced a hand back through his hair. "Are you going to be okay?" It was probably insensitive of him to ask but the truth was, he was wondering if he was going to be okay so if he could deflect that from himself over to Mary, he would do that.
He took a moment to look at the baby again, at his son, and after staring a moment too long, he looked away.
“Jim…”
Mary moved so that she was in front of him, pulling the fabric of the sling over Tiberius so that Jim wouldn’t be distracted by her breastfeeding.
“Am I going to be okay? At first, no. I will not be. But eventually I will be because I will have to be.” She could spend every day mourning the loss of her son or she could go on living, as she had after she had lost her husband. It would take time though.
“I want you to talk to me. Tell me how you’re feeling.” Because from what she can tell, he looks like he’s never been more confused in his life. She can see how he looks at his son, with love in his eyes, and she knew that he must be having the same inner conflict as she’s had.
The way she saw it, there was still time to change their minds, but that would be up to him.
"Sorry," Jim said quickly, "that was a stupid question. Of course it's going to take a while." He smiled over at her and nodded. But that was what they were meant to do here. Tiberius would be better off with Arva and if they were lucky, they'd both get to see him again too quickly, all grown up. Jim had a feeling he would be better off with a near-adult son rather than an infant son.
"I'm fine," he said.
“You're not,” Mary accused. “Not completely. I should think that we have been through enough together that you can be honest with me.”
Maybe he was used to being the infallible captain, but he didn't have to be that with her. There had been a change in him since the baby was born. Because he'd never had a child, maybe he didn't expect to feel that instant bond and love. Mary did.
She loved Jim and she felt love in return from him, but he would never say it. How could she raise a child with a man who wouldn't even tell her he loved her? If she had his love, and more importantly his help, they might be able to manage it, even in such a primitive place.
He considered her question for a long moment as he rubbed his fingers back through his hair and watched Mary with Tiberius for a while. It was easier when he handed him back to her and wasn't holding the baby himself. "I am," he said. "I've just never been in this situation before," Jim admitted a moment later.
"It's just pretty amazing to see it happen, you know?" he said. Jim Kirk had seen a lot in his life. Hell, he'd died and been brought back. He had been to the edges of the galaxy, traveled in outer space, met people who lived on distant planets. And yet this miracle of seeing his son was so different from any of that.
“It is,” she agreed. “A baby is an awe-inspiring thing.” Mary moved the sling so that she could look down at Tiberius’s beautiful blue eyes. She brushed her fingers over his soft skin and through his scant bit of hair. He was so perfect.
“Would you want to keep him?” Mary asked quietly. As far as she was concerned, her opinion on the matter didn’t count for much. If Jim wanted to keep him, she would be willing to try to make it work. If he did not, she could not do it on her own, so he would have to go to Arva anyway. All things considered, maybe that was the right choice regardless.
Jim knew his answer but he didn't want to offend Mary or anything like that. "No," he said after a moment. "I think he's better off being raised by Arva. And I think Arva wants to. That's fine with me." Maybe if this were somewhere or some time else. He wasn't sure.
But he worried a moment later if that was what she wanted. He touched her shoulder and nuzzled his nose against her cheek as he looked down at Tiberius too. "Do you want to keep him, Mary?" he asked quietly.
Mary was quiet for a very long moment, tears flowing steadily down her cheeks. She wasn't going to lie to him. “Of course I do,” she said. “I knew I would want him. But I am trying to respect the fact that you do not think you are ready. I will not raise him on my own, so he will go to Arva.” She reached up with her free hand and wiped her face. “You cannot even tell me that you love me,” she added with a slight, humorless laugh.
Jim tensed up at all of that and stepped back away from her, his fingers brushing against her hip as he did so. This was not a conversation he wanted to have, he thought, pinching the bridge of his nose. He started to shake his head and then stopped. "This is a shitty conversation to be having right now," he said, trying to keep the edge out of his tone. He hated seeing her crying and he had had a feeling this is what would happen, even if he had hoped that it wouldn't.
Tiberius finished feeding and Mary pulled the strap to her dress back up. She carefully burped the baby and then laid him down on the bed before even turning to address Jim.
“When shall we have it then?” Her eyes were red. “You knew I wanted him, because I love you, James.” How could he not know?
If anything, Mary had always been half comprised of flint steel. She had been accused of having a heart of stone. She didn't. But it was much easier to pretend sometimes than it was to actually feel. Mary would take this as she took everything else - practically and matter-of-factly. “I want you to know that I do not resent you. We made a deal and I will honor it. He will go to Arva and I will continue to love and want you in spite of it.”
He didn't know how to respond. He knew that she had chosen him over someone else to be the father, but even from the start she had made it clear that she was all right with their decision not to raise the baby. It was clear to him though, even as he held his son himself, that it wasn't as easy as saying okay, let's turn the baby over. He understood that. There was a part of him that didn't want to let go of Tiberius yet, but a bigger part of him thought - truly thought - it was a better idea to do just that.
"I'm sorry," he said because he had no idea what else to say. He simply didn't expect to have this conversation. Or expect that if things were different, he wouldn't argue with her. "I - it's very different talking about having a baby and another thing entirely having one," Jim said. "And I didn't think it would be this hard either."
“I knew exactly how hard it would be,” Mary said quietly. “Because I have held a son before, and I don’t think anything could have taken him away from me.” Though she had given up George to come here, hadn’t she? She had left him to essentially be raised by her parents. Maybe the problem was just that she was a terrible mother.
Giving their son to the goddess was the most logical and practical thing. Mary knew that. “If you are not ready, then it would do him no good to keep him. If he was to be raised here, then he would need his father. Giving him to Arva still makes the most sense.”
Of course that made the most sense. And he wasn't sure if it really had anything to do with him being ready or not. Anywhere else, if he had gotten a woman pregnant, he would be forced to be "ready," wouldn't he? He tried and failed to smile. "It does make the most sense," Jim echoed her.
He turned as Tiberius fussed and reached over to pick him up, careful with his head as he bounced him lightly to calm him down.
Seeing him hold Tiberius managed to both swell and break Mary’s heart at the same time. She turned away for the moment so that she could rinse some of the baby’s things in the bathtub.
Tiberius, meanwhile, had calmed as soon as Jim picked him up. He made a happy noise as Jim bounced him, reaching up to try to grab at his shirt.
Jim smiled down at the baby, amazed once again at how something so tiny and perfect could have come from one part of him and from one part of Mary. It was pretty incredible, and even though he knew the science behind it, that didn't really matter when he was holding him in his arms.
He looked over at Mary with an off-kilter smile. "How long do we have with him?" he asked. "Do you know?
Mary glanced up at him. There was nothing more attractive than a handsome man holding a baby. “About a week,” Mary replied. “That seems to be the standard amount of time.”
Tiberius gave a little yawn and stretched in his father’s arms. Mary leaned down and kissed his tiny face. “I think he's ready for bed. Would you like to rock him?”
They had a cradle for the baby to sleep in while he was still with them. Even having a baby for a week required a lot of supplies.
One week, he repeated to himself with a nod. That was both enough time and not enough. But it was what it was. He smiled at Mary.
"I'm fine like this," Jim answered. "Why don't you go and relax and I'll get him down once he falls asleep." Though he spoke quietly, his tone was less one of a question and more like a command. "I've got this."
It was enough time to fall completely in love with the baby before giving him up. Mary wondered if anyone here had a camera and any way to develop film. She wanted a picture of Tiberius before they gave him to Arva.
“Alright.” Mary nodded and laid down on the bed, watching him. She knew that he was trying to prove himself, and Mary had full faith in him.
Jim, satisfied as she laid down, nodded and began pacing the room slowly, bouncing and rocking the baby as he did so. Tiberius's coos quieted until the baby, fists in the air, gave a mighty yawn and settled in to sleep.
Jim didn't put the baby down just yet, content for another moment to rock him. Then he settled his son into the cradle, swaddling him and taking a step back.
“Perfect,” Mary said, fresh tears in her eyes. She honestly hadn't expected anything less. “Now come rock me to sleep.” Mary held her arms out to him. It wouldn't be a terribly long sleep. The baby would be awake in a few hours to be changed and fed again.
At that he couldn't help but laugh a bit before stripping off his shirt and climbing into bed behind her. "All right," he said, settling a hand on the curve of her hip and yawning himself. "If I'm this tired, you must be exhausted. How are you not asleep already?"
Mary settled back against him, happy to be the little spoon. She put her hand over his. “Adrenaline, perhaps.” She echoed his yawn. “Being a mother means that you are always on some sort of alert.”
She glanced over her shoulder at him and then gave him a soft kiss. “I love you. I'm sorry if I made you cross tonight.” One thing Mary absolutely hated was fighting with him.
He nodded. "I'm sure you're right," he said, kissing her back. He shrugged. "I'm not angry." He hadn't been truly angry since arriving on the island, not at all. He didn't think this place could make him angry. "You're fine, Mary, really." Jim kissed her again.
Mary enjoyed the gentle feeling of his lips on hers, light kisses that reminded her how much he cared about her. She laid down again, her eyes already closed. “Get some rest. He’ll be up again soon.”
"You need it more," he insisted, rubbing her hip and closing his eyes in another yawn. He had a feeling he'd be asleep before he could really even think about it. He hoped the same would happen for Mary.