I decided to write this out in a letter, because let's face it, I'm not the best person in the world when it comes to dealing with things over the boards, and I just don't think I'd be able to get all of this out if we were face to face. So, an ancient handwritten letter it is.
First and foremost, and before I get into anything else, I want to apologize. I know, I do that a lot, and then I just keep fucking up anyway, but I never meant to get so out of hand. Never. It's just all spiraling out of control on me, and I'm not dealing with it the way I should, or the way anyone else would for that matter. I just...really don't know what to do, Sam. But I do know that I have to apologize. I haven't been the best person in the world to anyone, the best friend, or even the best fiancee. I mean, at this point, I would understand if you -- no. I'm just sorry, Sam. What I've been doing isn't right. It's not fair to you or anyone else. And I'm sorry. Very, very sorry. I only hope you know how much. I hope everyone eventually knows how much.
Anyway, I guess I should get on with explaining myself now. I want to, I do. I want to just sit down and tell you everything that I've been feeling, everything that's been going on in my head. But it's hard to do that, even with you. There are so many more important things going on, and I refuse to sit around and whine to you. A little hypocritical of me considering how public I am with those stupid-ass posts, but there you have it. So that's another reason for a letter rather than anything else, really. It won't take up much of your time, and I can let you in on what you need and deserve to know. I'm just afraid it's going to sound like one excuse after another. It's not, though. It really isn't.
As insane as this place is, it's so much better than what I had back home. There, I had nothing left, and Sam, I was a heartbeat away from suicide. I'm not saying that to scare you or freak you out, that's just how empty I felt, how completely broken. And maybe...maybe you know what I mean. I know what you left behind, too. Having the only person you've ever really felt close to and cared about gone, and feeling deep down that it's all your fault. And so I'm sure you also know what it's like to be here, in a place where you have your entire family and all your friends surrounding you. People you care about and love, people who make you happier than you've ever felt before in your life. But with that comes a fear that something might happen to them, and then you'll be right back at square one all over again. Then you get this urge to do whatever it takes to keep them safe, no matter what the cost. I know you feel that way about everyone, and you have the ability to do that. You, Dean, your Dad, Ruby, Faith. You can make sure your loved ones are kept safe. And this might sound really childish, but it's like, what am I supposed to do? Sit back and possibly let someone I love die? Again? I'm so scared that something's going to happen to you, to any of you, and I'll have done nothing but sit back and worry my way through it. I know it's important for me to stay safe, but I know that I could be doing something more. Something other than asking if someone's okay or offering them coffee to keep them going. I should be doing so much more than that. And these past few weeks, especially now with me being pregnant, all of this festers, and I think too much and let the stupidest stuff get under my skin, and I end up making moronic posts that either hurt feelings, piss people off, or make me look like a bitch, a psycho, or both. I don't want to do that. I don't even know how it ends up happening. But I do know that I want to fix things and get them back to the way they were before. Before we fought all the time and before everyone started thinking terrible things about me and before everything.
Did I ever tell you I have two sets of memories? Ones from this life, the ones from my basically normal childhood and the stuff I already told you about Silent Hill and my Dad and the god. But then I have Alessa's, too. I have her memories of years of abuse, physical and emotional, I have the memories of being burned alive... And I'm not talking fuzzy reminders. I mean memories as clear and vivid as any others. In a way, that did happen to me. I'm her reincarnation after all, but I won't get into all that. I just...lately, with Alessa going into the pits and then getting all of her memories back herself, I'm getting these spurts of them, too. Normally I can just ignore them, but they'll just pop up at the most random times now. Maybe that's where some of this bullshit comes from, too. I don't know.
And about Ruby. Sam, I'm not jealous of her. I'm not jealous of your friendship or the time you spend together. As long as you're not getting hurt and as long as she leaves me alone, it's all well and good. I trust you, and I trust that you love me. But at the same time, what you did the other night with that stupid picture did hurt. I know you didn't mean for it to, you probably weren't even thinking of it the way I was, but it's just always going to be a sensitive subject for me for reasons I can't even explain, and it kind of felt like a slap in the face when I saw it put up there so blatantly. And so did the things you said to me afterward. Really went for where it stings, you know? Granted, I shouldn't have been such a bitch about it, but at the same time, I just would have appreciated a little more thought before you went and did that. And that's what I should have said from the beginning, so I'm sorry for that, too.
Sorry. Didn't mean to waste so much paper on this thing.
Anyway, um. I guess that's it. My hand's cramping up and my eyes are crossing by now, so I'll just leave it to end here. You can let me know however you want when you read this, but...that's if you want to, of course. You don't have to. I just had to get this out there to you, since I've been keeping it inside for a while, and you should know what's going on inside your fiancee's head especially when she starts acting the way I've been. I'd like to talk to a few other people maybe, but I want to start with you.
I love you, Sam, More than anything. After all the bullshit I put you, your family, and your friends through, I hope you still believe that. I hope you're still happy with me.