Dr. Anthony Hill (dr_tonyhill) wrote in parabolical, @ 2009-03-04 23:26:00 |
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Entry tags: | tony hill |
Who: Tony analyzing Tony in the near week since this
When: This evening
Where: His area of the Theatre
What: Tony uses his roleplaying method of analysis to try and figure out himself
Rating: PG-13 for language
Status: Complete!
By his very nature, Tony was a thinker. There was always something to mull over in his mind. He wasn't much for talking unless he had something worth saying. Talking was not necessarily communicating.
Tony would probably be what some would call an 'introvert.' He could take the lead when necessary- i.e. when no one else would do it- but he preferred to be in the background and be the one no one noticed.
The problem with being this type of person was that expressing his thoughts and feelings was always a struggle. Tony didn't trust gut reactions. The first thing that came to mind was rarely the best thing to do or say unless it were a test situation like back in university. Acting impulsively in the real world often ended in disaster.
It had been over five days since his conversation with Jean and it was still weighing heavily on his mind. He was managing to get his work done but it was a struggle. His mind kept wandering to that night, trying to sort out all the thoughts and feelings that had surged through him- the impulses he barely managed to suppress, the things he had wanted to say.
It had been like he had been back home and Caro-
"No," he muttered to himself. He wasn't going to go there. It had been an emotionally-charged situation and that was all.
Tony put the glass of whiskey to his lips and sipped before returning his attention to the papers in front of him. His life was complicated enough already and needlessly dumping his complications and confusion on Jean would only hurt her at this point. He didn't know how he was feeling- he couldn't even figure out who the real Tony was half the time. He couldn't afford to know the real-
He stopped that line of thought, scowling at the papers in front of him. If he didn't know himself how could he really expect to help people? He stopped reading and pushed back his chair, putting his head in his hands.
Who am I?
Tony swallowed, hard, and then raised his head and eyed the still half-full glass that sat on his desk. He knew of a way to get to himself but he wasn't sure he wanted to face reality. He closed his eyes, thinking, collecting his thoughts- if he did this then there would be no turning back.
"Know thy self," he mumbled under his breath and reached for the glass. In one gulp he knocked back the rest of the liquid and, then, took a deep breath.
After a moment he turned his chair away from the desk and focused his attention on an empty chair that was nearby.
"So how are you feeling?" he asked the empty chair. He then stood and walked over to that chair and took a seat in it.
"Anxious."
Back to the other chair-
"Why?"
In the other chair (this continues back and forth now)-
"Because I don't want to think about what I might have done."
"Which is?"
"Developed feelings for Jean."
"She's your friend- it's natural that you'd care about her."
"This is different from how I felt about her when she was my friend."
"'Was' your friend? Are you not friends with her any more?"
"I don't know what I am now."
"Oh come on- I'm sure you have a thought on what you are now."
"I don't."
"Com'on- why don't you just say it? What was it you were so afraid of that night? Why can't you stop thinking about her?"
"The moment I start thinking about how I feel in a concrete sense then nothing will be the same."
"What did you want to do that night?"
"I... I wanted to kiss her."
Tony paused, realizing what he had just said aloud.
"Wh-why didn't you?"
"It wouldn't have been fair. It would have been a horrible thing to do. She's dealing with enough emotional baggage right now- she doesn't doesn't me adding my fucking inadequacy and shit timing to the mix."
"Is it possible you didn't kiss her to save yourself as well?"
He nodded. "Yes. I just- Every time I get close to someone I mess it up and they get hurt and I get hurt. I don't want that any more."
"So you want to be alone?"
"It's not that I want to be alone- it's that I have to be alone."
"Why?"
"Because no one deserves to have me dump my issues on them. No one should have to live with them except me."
"What makes YOU so special?"
"I'M NOT- I... Some people are just made to suffer."
He cringed at how pitiful and self-centered he sounded.
"Just because you have the ability to hold all that pain from others doesn't mean you're not allowed to be happy- to enjoy life."
"I don't want to hurt anyone else."
"And how would being true to your own feelings hurt someone?"
"I'm secretive. I could never let down my guard. It wouldn't be fair to the other person."
"You've come close in the past. You came close that night with Jean."
"But I reigned it back in. There's no need to drag someone else into the mess I call 'my life.'"
"So you'll push people away in order to save them from you?"
"Yes."
"That's what you did with Carol."
"Yes."
"And she left."
He nodded.
"And then you retreated into your own world."
"It was for the best."
"It hurt like Hell."
"Yes, it did."
"You loved Carol."
"Yes, I did."
"Do you love Jean?"
"No... but I care a great deal about her. I can't let it go any further."
"Because...?"
"Because she doesn't need someone like me in her life in that way. If anything she needs me to stay away from her."
"So why don't you leave? Why don't you go some place she will never find you?"
"I can't. I know I'd find a way back to her even if I left. I'm too weak to do what needs to be done. She took care of me and protected me and saved me- I can't walk away now even if I wanted to. I owe her more- to be more, to be someone better."
"So what are you going to do?"
"Be her friend and be supportive."
"And not tell her anything of what you were thinking that night?"
"Nothing. I've got too much shit to sort out- I'm not going to screw up her life further with my problems."
Tony rubbed his temples. This was some tough stuff. He had never thought he would be facing this dilemma again. Not in a million years... However, his path was clear now- he had to stay objective and keep his emotions out of the equation. He had to do so or he was going to hurt her.
How could he possibly expect her to take him as is- with him not telling her of the demons that gnawed at his very soul? How could he ever tell her of his own darker nature? He admired her for telling him of her past. Unfortunately, he was too much of a coward to confess to her his own misdeeds.
He sighed and glanced over at his desk. There would be no further work done this evening on that stuff. Dejectedly, he pushed himself out of the chair and wandered off to his bed. Flopping onto the mattress, Tony buried his head into the pillow, mentally exhausted. It wasn't long before he fell into a dreamless sleep.