Dr. Anthony Hill (dr_tonyhill) wrote in parabolical, @ 2009-02-21 00:36:00 |
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Entry tags: | tony hill |
Who: Tony Hill
Where: a pub
When: Late Friday evening
Why: Thinking time is for thinking
Rating: G
Status: Complete
Steal away let's steal away
No reason left to stay
For me and you
Lets start a-new
And darling steal away
Tony Hill sipped on his pint of Smithwick's as the words of the song floated somewhere into his thoughts. He knew the tune well. It had been quite popular at one point back home. He preferred the original instrumental piece by Phil Coulter though. However, at least it wasn't the grating 'music' that played in most places any more.
He had wandered off on his own- something he had not done since his abduction over a month ago. The doctor had learned his lesson on that but he had been wishing some time to himself most of the day. When the yearning for that time had become too much he had decided to strike out on his own.
So now he sat, drinking and thinking. He had little interest in those around him and they had little in him. It seemed that in this odd corner of Los Angeles people actually respected the idea of someone needing time to themselves.
Things would be starting to get warmer back home. He knew that the dreary days of Winter would be slowly giving way to Spring. He missed that. The weather here was not conducive to his thinking. The low hanging mists and gray days made it easier for him to think. He didn't find his mind wandering into flights of fancy.
There was too much distraction here. He longed for being able to just drive away to a place where there wasn't another living soul around for miles, lay down, stare up at the stars, and just think. That would be Heaven to him.
Tony had never realized how much he loved his home until recently. He ached with the desire to wake up and just find that it had all just been a bad dream. But, for once, he didn't also want to go back and find Carol. No, this was different now- now he just missed his homeland.
It wasn't that he hated big cities- Bradfield had been a fairly large city. The difference was, though, that in Bradfield he could drive for a bit and have the world to himself and his thoughts. Here? Here he was constantly surrounded by noise and people. Even when he was alone he could still hear that constant chatter of cars and people. He was never truly alone.
Did he actually want to be alone, though? No, that's not what he wanted either. He wanted time to himself and he wanted to have time to spend with others. Finding people who understood that concept was no easy task. The truth was that he had never really found that. Carol had been the closest he had ever come to someone like that. In the end she had still wanted more than he could give her. He had wanted to give her more but...
Maybe he had just not been ready? No. It had more to do with the fact that his mind was so preoccupied with work that there wasn't room for anyone else. Carol had once observed that he had never loved another living thing. He couldn't disagree with that assessment. He had come close... so close but in the end he had let it slip away.
His mind had always been focused on work. So many people had died because he had not been able to make people listen to him... He owed it to them to devote his life to saving others from a similar fate- so that they had not died in vain. He had to give their deaths meaning. There just wasn't room in his mind for anyone else aside from his patients.
Tony had wondered more and more lately if he deserved to be happy. The answer he usually came back with was, "No." Some people were born into this world with the purpose of taking on the pain of others. It was their lot in life.
Tony had a gift that could save people- prevent pain and suffering. It was his responsibility to use those talents for the greater good. He did not try to avoid this calling. He bore his burden in life without complaint... usually.
Lately, it had become a little harder to keep his mind from wandering into daydream. He wondered what it would be like to be normal- to not have this ability and live a regular life and be happy. It was a good thing he was going back to work of some sort. Otherwise he would have gotten some fool idea in his head about wanting more out of life than just being an eternal whipping boy.
Tony finished his beer. He was content with his life the way it was. This was how it had always been and this was how it would always be. He had no right to ask for anything more. It wasn't self-pity- merely a statement of fact. However... sometimes... he yearned for companionship but he knew such a thing would never come to pass.
He paid his tab and then headed for home. Contentment. He used to have it. He needed to find it again before he went off and did something stupid. Once the doctor got back into a normal pattern of work things would resolve themselves- he kept on telling himself that and he believed it to be true.
So how come he felt that was a lie?
We'll leave with just a memory
And make a new beginning
We have to choose
To win or lose
And it's time we started winning