What Sam would have given to actually have grown up through all of that. The fights, the memories, seeing his Mom and Dad interact. Arguments and making up and being raised by the both of them. It was a sore subject for all of the Winchesters, the loss of their mother and the life that they could have had if she were there all along. His Dad had did a good job, raising him and Dean up. Sam didn't often admit it, least of all to John's face, but it was certainly the truth. Still, he couldn't help but wonder what life would have been like if he was wrapped in one with both his parents. Would he be a better person? Would Dean be happier? Would they all be happier? Sam liked to think so. For more reasons than the demon that had haunted their lives too. Smaller reasons. Warmer. Better. They had a fresh start now, what with them all being back together again, but nothing would quite be able to beat out the idea of him having a warm childhood rather than one constantly spent on the road. There were just some memories that never left a person. He got the feeling that one's childhood would always play a big part in that. It certainly did as far as he was concerned.
He was right though. Rather than being brutally honest with one another, he and Heather were constantly sheltering themselves from everything else. More often on his part, he noticed, especially lately. There had been a lot of things that he wanted to say to her, but could never quite get out in fear that she'd be angry with him. He didn't know where or when or even why he had developed such a terrible fear of making her angry, but somewhere along the line he did. It was odd, considering that he was the one who was able to piss off demons and monsters and all sorts of things that had climbed from the mouth of hell, John Winchester included. Heather? No. Not a chance. She was fragile sometimes. Maybe that was why. Ripping the petals off of flowers had never really been his idea of a good time.
It was sort of unusual for Sam to let his father get out so many words at once without making some sort of interruption, rude or not. Here, though, Sam didn't do much more than listen or respond when John demanded it. It was probably better in the long run for the both of them, as they each knew well enough about how he could get, but there was more to it than that. There seemed to be an air of respect that Sam was shedding. John was his father and he was trying to give him some advice. Whether he wanted it or not, they were both sitting here now. He was pretty sure that he wasn't going to be able to leave until his Dad got what he wanted to say off of his chest. So listening was the best way to go. Even if, sadly, in doing so he found those questions floating around his mind being reinforced even more by the things that he didn't want to admit.
At his question, Sam stiffened. How many times had he been asked that lately? He'd brushed the question off before. Now he was here again, with his father at his side, demanding an actual honest response. He sure as hell couldn't lie to him, could he? They might have fought it out often, but lying had never really sat well between either of them. Mostly because it was hard to do. Sam knew the answer. As often as he had faced the question, he had to have reached some sort of conclusion. The problem was that he hadn't really been man enough to admit it. At least not up until now, in this moment. Because if there was anyone in the world that he should have been able to admit this to, it was most definitely his own father.
He looked to him, eyes meeting his own. Sam gave him a long look before he opened his mouth and quietly said, "No. I don't think I'm happy at all." Sam set his mug aside and raised his hands to his face, leaning forward, elbows resting on his knees. "I wanna be. I've done everything possible to try and change that. Fact is, I don't know how to fix it, Dad. I don't know how to make it right anymore. I just know that I can't keep doing this to her. I can't keep lying to myself, I can't keep lying to her. I don't...I don't even think that we're right anymore. The two of us. We're not right for each other. I'm not right for her."