Dean had been back for longer, but his Dad had spent more time in that torturous place, so maybe his memories just came back a little bit quicker. Whatever the case, Dean knew that neither one of them had gotten off easy. "I thought it was just a nightmare at first." It had been a good thing to imagine that the nightmares would go away, even when they persisted, even as he started to remember the things that occurred just before and after the hellish things in his dreams. "I wanted it to be a nightmare. I didn't want to believe that I really saw those things, felt it..." he paused, taking a long swig of the beer before continuing. "That I did it."
Sitting the beer down, Dean raked a hand over his face. He knew he shouldn't be hurting over this, because his choice had led to Jo getting hurt, but that didn't make the pain stop. He did what he had to, because the memories were getting worse and worse and something had to give--and the hope on Ben's face told him that he had to focus all the good he had left on this new parenting thing--but the decision hadn't been easy.
"Does it ever feel like...like it's just too much?"