Jack Landors (robinindahood) wrote in parabolical, @ 2008-11-02 00:57:00 |
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Entry tags: | jack landors, sam winchester |
Who:Jack Landors and Sam Winchester
What: drinks and bars. Lots of drinks.
When:After many of them. Sometime in the eveningish
Where: Roadhouse
Rating: R
warnings: angst, a suicide attempt, reflections.
What was that flavor? He couldn't tell anymore as he drank his weight in bourbon. Faith was right, it was a good drink. Really good. Maybe this was what bitterness tasted like. No it was subtly different. It was sweet and sour, like they'd been at first. Like electricity. She was the yin and he was yang. S.P.D.'s two red rangers. How could he not think it was destiny she found him and asked him for a second chance. How could he have strayed so far from who he was for someone who wanted nothing more than his total annihilation. Why didn't he see? Everyone else did. Saw how she treated people he was close too and then how differently she went turn coat and treated him.
One question turned his world upside down. Made him vulnerable to her. He could hear her voice in his head from the first time she appeared infront of him. "If you were sent on an impossible mission with no backup and the only way to save your team was to make a deal with the devil - what would you do?" He remembered his instant stupidity, instant remark. “I’d die before I’d let down SPD like that,”
“Yes, you probably would be willing to sacrifice yourself. But think of your squad before you answer. You are their leader, and they are your responsibility. Would you let them die to protect an organization that gave up on you?”
Jack thought of his squad. He didn’t know. He’d like to think that he’d find another way in Charlie’s shoes. But he was glad her choice was one he’d never faced. Maybe it was this understanding of Charlie’s decision. Or maybe his heart knew exactly what he would do to protect his family. Whatever the reason he'd let her go. He'd ruined everything and he wasn't seeing a light at the other side of the dark. He motioned for another shot, and the tender obliged. His hand shook. The glass barely made it to his lips without spilling and the man stared unsympathetically. "Looks like twenty is your lucky number." It took a moment to register, even the tender had enough. He blinked and handed over a twenty with a slightly dramatic sigh. "One isn't the loneliest number." The man turned away and grunted, putting the money in the register.
The ranger stood and stumbled to the wash room where he leaned against the sink and splashed water on his face. He didn't even know the reflection anymore, it was like half of him was missing. They told him it wasn't real, that hadn't been a relationship. He still couldn't get her out of his head and it was driving him to the edge. Pushing him further away. He'd won but in the end just getting rid of her didn't stop the overwhelming mind numbing emotion. Somewhere deep down twisted inside he wanted her. The mental struggle was unbearable. He needed something that would clear his mind. A distraction.
Knife. He carried it since he arrived. It helped with the vampires. Made of steel and meant to protect, that was really just innocent dabble he believed before he got to this world. Knives were meant to kill. He didn't have a place as a protector after what he'd done. He didn't have a place anywhere...Jack left the bar and stared up at the distant sky watching stars mix together in his blurring vision. Sitting on the set of stairs that lead to the door he wanted to say he felt pain, felt alone even as more people filed into the bar together on the opposite staircase parallel to the one he sat at. Truth is he felt nothing, he'd felt nothing for too long and spent the past week simply going through the motions, losing control and falling into a downward spiral. This was the only thing he had control over, the weapon pressed against his skin on the underside of his wrist and his blood spilled. Another cut. Followed by another and his eyes empty of emotion watched without seeing the liquid fall to the unforgiving stone steps. He was done trying to pretend everything was okay when it wasn't anymore. Nothing was. He needed to stop living in illusion. Maybe this was the secret step back to his reality.