"At least I have a face to put to her." Heidi took a deep breath, and let it out again as Nathan's arms settled around her. She wasn't sure which would feel worse, letting them stay or pushing them away. Opting to let him remain for now, she reached up to settle one hand ontop of his arm, and rubbed her still sleep-fuzzy eyes with the heel of the other.
She wanted to lie back down and pretend the conversation had never begun, but she knew better than to try. Her stomach was already curdling, and behind every blink Niki's face was waiting. Heidi hated it. Not the people, no matter how much easier that would have been, but the act--everything about it. When it had happened. Where it had happened. Why it had happened. That she saw how it could have happened only made it worse; as if Nathan, just by being Nathan, would have been somehow immune.
She hated everything that it meant. She hadn't been worth waiting for. She would have walked again. He hadn't believed in her. Their marriage wasn't enough. She was replaceable. Cheapened. Not strong enough, not attractive enough--Heidi wanted to press her hands over her ears to muffle her own thought processes. To grab a few fistfuls of hair and pull on it until the nausea and frustration went away.
"And what a face. So that's what topples ten years of marriage?" Since she didn't believe in entertaining self-flagellation, and was still too tired to leave--Or maybe she just didn't want to--she settled for turning some of her resentment outward. It pained him, too, undoubtably, but in the back of her mind, part of her was trying desperately not to care.