"I'm not telling him that, or her, or any of them. I'm not complaining about how much the fact he hates me sucks. I'm not doing anything to make him think there's something wrong other than he knows already. But pathetic mess isn't that far off the radar sometimes, and it is only sometimes, just days when I get...I mean I can't ask them to filter from me and I won't actually block him from me so I just have to deal with it. If I occasionaly get in a mood about it then thats what I do"
She started putting the herbs into bags for him, labelling them as she always did from habit rather than any real need given his heightend senses.
"Remember the kids?. Well he had one, him and Faith, and the kid didn't hate me. Nor did Dean and Claire's, or Ben, you'd think ten fifteen years wouldn't change it but apparently it changed it enough that it was...bearable. And no he didn't ever care like he used to and we weren't...friends. But it was okay. And sure, that might not be the future we get, those kids might not exist or might exist different or whatever but its a chance isn't it. It proves I'm not just clutching at straws. I'll do whatever Sam wants, whatever he needs me to to proove I'm not lying. Threre's nothing I'm not willing to do to make him see that its different now. I want him to understand that Spike, I need him to"
She needed him to see, it wasn't crazy she didn't think, maybe she was still obsessed but he'd been a part of her existance for so long, and more than that, a friend. Loosing that stung. And loosing it when she knew she had a shot at...something. Not forgiveness but maybe civility. Hell, she'd take pity. Just not the hate, she couldn't stand it.
"I can't move on. And actually I think I'm being quite good around him. Healthier than I was. Just...after forgetting who I was, thinking I was John's daughter, feeling loved, feeling like I mattered again... It got to me. Might not be human but I am capable of feeling"
That said she was kind of glad he'd shut the screen down, No sense torturing herself with the fun she couldn't be part of anymore.
"...You want anything else besides these?" she finished.