Attn: Anyone Utilizing University Lab Equipment Or Loitering Near the Science Department
Don't go near lab room #221. If you must, be silent as you pass. There are rumors about first year students who were smoked out of the hall last semester. Heed them.
Anything labeled P. ANDERSON is almost certainly lethal. Unless I drink it. Then, obviously, it's not.
Fingers have been missing since early April. Assuming they're still preserved, alert me if you find them. Not security. They already know, and they're apparently tired of hearing about it.
When — not if — you attempt to drink the University coffee and decide it isn't worth finishing, bring the rest to me. I'm conducting an experiment on acidity levels.
All of the above can be waived in exchange for cigarettes.