There is no reason at all to be ashamed of that. You were grieving for what you had lost, and who knows what might have been done to you if you were believed to be mad.
If you would rather not discuss it, please do tell me. I don't mean to make matters worse.
Magic involving human sacrifice? Out of fashion doesn't begin to cover it. Your Narnia must have been Well, I am glad that it worked out for the best. I suppose there's no way to truly know about the magic. There are ways to test for it, but they're all a little perilous.
I'm very curious about your Arthur, you know. Do you think he is really the one from the stories of Merlin? Merlin lived some time later than the height of the kingly magic I am imagining.