Steve Rogers (manwithaplan) wrote in onewaythreads, @ 2017-06-29 23:19:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, bucky barnes, steve rogers |
Who: Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes
What: Bucky has nightmares
Where: their apartment
Warnings: two grown men sharing a bed, nothing to see here...
Status: complete
Bucky wasn’t in any rush to get a new bed for Steve. The bed was big enough, and he liked being close to Steve. He didn’t want to hold Steve back, and he was glad he’d gotten himself a job and was making new friends. Bucky was jealous, though. He would never admit it, but now that he had Steve back, and they were spending every evening talking about things so that Bucky would remember more of their former life… well, he kind of wanted him all to himself. It was selfish, he knew. He did his best to keep it well hidden, almost to the point of pushing Steve away a little.
Then he’d feel bad about that, and give Steve all of his attention. It was a difficult situation. He felt so close to his best friend, but somehow just not quite close enough.
On top of that, good memories were not the only things that were coming back. For every vivid taste of kosher pickles, or crackling radio reception when he remembered listening to a ball game, there were Russian words, barked as orders; cold, wet concrete floors and metal bars. He tried to hide that, too.
It wasn’t always possible. When his unconscious mind took over, his control lapsed. A memory so clear that it felt like the present had him by the throat, very literally. He couldn’t move his arms or his legs and he was being held by the throat. He gasped for breath, whimpering, twisting his head back and forth trying to get away.
Steve wasn't about to suggest they get another bed. It was plenty big enough for both of them. Steve was used to sleeping in far worse conditions. He was glad to be close to Bucky. Especially when he had nightmares. Bucky's flailing would have hurt a normal person. But not Steve. When Bucky began to gasp, Steve didn't hesitate to roll closer to Bucky. He grabbed his arm and said urgently, “Bucky. Buck. I'm here. It's okay.”
Bucky woke with a start and tensed for an instant, on the point of lashing out, eyes wide with fear. Then something in his brain clicked awake and he knew where he was, and that it was Steve beside him. He was panting and sweating from the adrenaline still rushing through him, but he slumped a little, though he was lying down. He let out a whimper and rolled close to Steve, seeking out comfort from the only person in the entire world that he would accept it from. He just needed a minute, just a few seconds to pack the thoughts away where they belonged again, before they tried to swallow him whole. “I’m okay,” he whispered.
Steve held Bucky. Just held him, grateful that he could do anything at all for his best friend. He'd failed him in the past but that was never going to happen again. He held him tightly, not moving, and murmured, “Just relax, pal. It's okay. It's over. I'm here.” He could feel Bucky's heart beating fast. In a normal person he'd be in danger of cardiac arrest. But he wasn't normal, and neither was Steve.
Bucky had always found Steve’s voice soothing. Even when he was a scrawny little runt, he’d had a big deep voice. “Talk to me,” he said quietly. “Doesn’t matter what about. Anything.” He fitted himself against Steve’s solid bulk and ducked his face into the crook of his best friend’s neck. “Just talk. Please?” He still felt shaky. He could still remember the sensation of hands around his throat. It was starting to fade, though.
“Sure, Buck. Um. You remember when we used to go on double dates?” He said just because it was the first thing that came to mind. “You'd always try so hard to find a girl who might like me, but they always liked you better,” he said ruefully. He couldn't really blame them. Bucky was handsome and strong and charming and Steve was anything but.
“That’s ‘cause they were shallow. They didn’t give you a chance. They didn’t know what an amazing guy you really are,” he said, pressing his hand flat against Steve’s chest to feel the steady rhythm of his heartbeat so he could try to match his own to it. “None of them deserved you, anyway.”
Steve's eyes fluttered shut when Bucky touched him. His friend was just comforted by his physical presence. That was all it was. “They didn't deserve you either,” he said without thinking. He'd always felt that way. Those girls didn't know how lucky they were. He'd always had much more fun when it was just the two of them, anyway. He just hadn't realized why at the time.
“I was being strangled. In the dream, I mean. Just now,” he said, feeling the sudden need to share it. Somehow saying it out loud, admitting that it was just a dream, or a memory, made it seem less real. “It was something that had happened to me and it seemed so real in the dream that I felt like I couldn’t breathe.” He tipped his head back a little to look at Steve’s face. “I’m glad I didn’t lash out at you.”
Steve smiled gently, trying not to react to the bad things he knew had happened to his best friend. He wanted to kill each and every person who had ever hurt Bucky. “It's okay. I can take it. Don't ever feel you have to apologize.” He stroked Bucky's hair, wishing he could do more to comfort him.
Bucky smiled at him. He did feel comforted, but he also felt like going into any kind of detail about the things he was remembering would only cause Steve pain. That was the last thing he wanted. Steve had more than enough pain to last a lifetime. He took a deep breath and let out a long, slow exhale. “Thanks, Steve. It helps a lot to have you here.”
Those words meant more to Steve than he could ever express. He wanted to erase anything bad from Bucky’s mind but he knew he couldn’t. It was incredibly upsetting but he didn’t let that show. “I’m not leaving until you kick me out,” he said honestly. He would never willingly leave his friend’s side again.
“Guess I’m stuck with you, then,” he said, sliding his arm around Steve. He knew it was a little strange, two grown men embracing in bed together. Steve didn’t seem to mind it, which was good, because it really did help. Bucky could feel his heart rate slow, could feel the anxiety receding. It wasn’t even really sexual, necessarily. In his limited experience with other men there was definitely no cuddling, no kissing or caressing. He only barely remembered kissing women, either, but he recalled enough to be able to recreate it in his head. He bit his lip, sure that thinking such things about your best friend was very wrong.
Steve could feel Bucky's body relaxing by degrees and it made him happy. He was pleased he could do even a small thing like this for him. He'd been pretty useless otherwise, when it really counted, but it was more than guilt that had driven him to find Bucky, defend him, then find him again. He knew he felt more for his friend than he should. He'd always known it. He hadn't had a word for it back then but he did now. Bucky never needed to know, though. This was enough for Steve. It had to be. He stroked Bucky's back gently, holding him as close as he dared, drinking in the proximity. “Yep. You're stuck. Sorry.”
The thing was, though… why didn’t Steve find this uncomfortable? That was the little voice in Bucky’s head that couldn’t help digging up inconsistencies, trying to figure them out. Why didn’t Steve gently extract himself, expect some distance. From the feel of the warm, solid body pressed up against him, Steve was 100% good with whatever was going on. Bucky was trained to read non-verbal signs, body language. “You’re stuck, too, pal,” he said. “Because I’m done trying to give you the slip for your own good.” He leaned in again, nuzzling into the crook of Steve’s neck with a contented sigh. “Mmm, you’re warm,” he murmured.
Steve had been about to answer when Bucky spoke against his neck. He'd never realized how super sensitive the skin there was and his breath caught. He felt even warmer than the circumstances could explain and it felt good. Too good. That warmth pooled itself in his lower stomach, becoming very specific. Steve had no way of knowing if Bucky could feel the reaction his body was on the verge of having but there was little he could do about it. “Go back to sleep, Buck. I'm here. We can just stay like this.”
Bucky’s eyes were already closed, and he could feel the pull of unconsciousness. There was only one person he trusted, only one person he knew had no agenda, and he was wrapped in that person’s embrace. It didn’t take long for him to fall back to sleep.
When he felt Bucky fall asleep again, Steve relaxed. And immediately felt guilty. Bucky needed him as a friend and nothing more. He would have to bury his feelings and just be there for Bucky. Whatever he needed. It would have to do. Steve fell asleep again as well, but it took him longer.