WHO: Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes WHEN: after Bucky arrives WHERE: a cafe in Brightford WHAT: they talk about their past and their future WARNINGS: talk about brainwashing STATUS: gdoc, finished
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Wakanda was beautiful. A hidden city with superior tech. But with Bucky in cryo, Steve felt a little lost. He tried to assemble the Avengers that were on his side, but all he could do was bust them out of the Raft and bring them with him. It still didn't sit right with him. After all he went through to get Bucky back, he lost him again. His friends were divided and his country too.
So he went to Preya. Once on the network, he discovered Bucky was there. And in the same location as him. It was a kismet. They met up in an outdoor cafe, even if it made Steve feel exposed and weird. He had grown a beard in his time since the civil war. He had also grown suspicious of everyone.
"When did you leave?" Was the first thing he asked.
Buck was still dressed at someone who wanted to blend in. It was hard for him to walk openly. He still had a jacket on to cover his arm, a glove over his hand. His hair was pulled back, and he had glasses on that were somewhat reflective. He ran his tongue over his bottom lip in thought, not sure of this whole situation. "I never into went cryo." He answered then, unsure as to what Steve would think of that. "Didn't think you'd think I did, thought I'd vanish or something--thought you'd be able to move on that way." He had been haunted by a lot of things, by HYDRA, by the memories of what he did, and by the fact that he'd fractured everything Steve believed in like he had.
He kept his flesh hand wrapped around a cup of tea that he was mostly using as a distraction for the moment, something to look at and touch.
Steve had a cup of tea himself, but it was ignored. Bucky was the only living creature at that moment. He felt alone with Bucky, no matter where they were. With the Commandos, in the room where he asked Bucky if he remembered him with Sam watching, in an outdoor cafe.
"Move on?" He leaned in, "Buck..." The look of disbelief on Steve's face was always so easy to read. His face was expressive, even when hidden by a beard and sunglasses. "I just found you again. How could I move on?"
"Because you didn't find me." He answered with some sadness in his voice that he couldn't help, some amount of guilt, "You found the Winter Soldier, and I didn't want to tie you to him, your reputation, your work--keeping you would take all that away from you."
He reached up to scratch at his hair a bit, making a few pieces fall loose of the hair tie on the side and frame his face some. "If you love something set it free and all that bullshit." He answered with a shrug, not quite realizing that in doing so he was admitting to loving Steve in some real way.
"I'm already a criminal now, Buck. You can't tarnish my reputation anymore than it is. And if I knew you were coming here, I would have came with you." When Bucky said his phrase about love, Steve's face went slack. He knew he loved Bucky more than anything in the world and he knew that they were, on some level, always brought back together. He didn't know if he believed in fate but god, look at this. They were together again.
"It doesn't matter anymore." He watched that hair fall and wanted to touch it. Instead he ran a hand over his beard and then took a sip of tea. "We're here now. Fresh start."
"You could have publicly separated from me. Explained about the other soldiers, explained that I ran off after. The world wants you to be Captain America. They would have taken you back." he believed that too. He looked at his tea rather than at Steve for a moment.
"It doesn't change the things I've done, just because we're in a new place--doesn't change that he's in my head, that he could come out--could hurt someone." He being the Winter Soldier.
"He can't come out unless someone brings him out." Steve felt like he was in a hostage situation. Begging Bucky to come down and let himself go. Steve put an elbow on the table and rested his chin on his hand. "And you won't let that happen. You're safe. We can rebuild what we had. I know you were trying to remember me, I know you had notebooks. Tell me you don't want to be at my side again, and mean it. It'll be hard, since we're living in the same place and I'm your council-member. But I'll stay away if that's what you really want."
"If I get stressed enough, if I feel threatened enough. He's like a survival mechanism sometimes." He could come out to protect himself, he could come out if he got angry enough. He would only be a mindless soldier if he was brought out and ordered though. That he knew.
There was a sigh there though, "You saw the notebook at the apartment." He remembered that, and he looked over at Steve again. "I remember some of it. I remember that I don't want you to go away, but want is different than what I think is best."
Steve’s shoulders dropped. He wasn’t admitting defeat, he just felt like he was talking to a wall. He wasn’t one to be discouraged easily. “Buck, I can keep up with you if you go Soldier again. I can help you. Let me help you.” He licked his lips and looked over at the horizon, where he could see a beach. This place was a paradise and he was over here arguing with Bucky like they were kids again. “Let yourself have what you want. It’s been too long.”
He watched the way Steve's shoulders dropped and he could help but want to reach toward him. The motion was natural, and a clear sign that Steve still meant a lot to him. He couldn't help that. Steve was important to him and Steve being happy was important to him.
"Tell me what you want?" He asked then, his eyes softer then, "Tell me, if this place really is paradise where things don't matter--what would you want it to be?"
He wrapped his fingers around the hand that reached out to him. He remembered that Bucky liked him before he was Captain America. He liked him when he was a scrawny boy with no other friends. That meant something to him-- because Captain America meant something else entirely to a lot of other people.
“I want us to be able to be together. For real.”
He looked down at their hands as they touched. His eyes were soft and his expression even. There was something sad about looking at their hands like that, and something so hopeful for the future. "It won't be anything easy." He said then as he still looked at their hands, "And not because I don't want it to be, but because a lot of shit follows me." Nightmares, violence, what people would think of him.
“I know.” It was a final sort of tone. He knew Bucky wasn’t the same person he knew before. When they were kids, when they were Howling Commandos. He was a changed man, inside and out. But he went through so much with him, he still felt bonded.
“We’ll start out slow.”
"I don't sleep well." He admitted, "I am not great at talking about it all though I know I probably should. Sometimes I remember you better than other times." He didn't want Steve to come into all this thinking something else. He didn't want him to think that it would be the same every day. "But I want to." He wanted to remember him. He wanted things to work.
"I can tell you plenty of stories of when we were kids. You can write it down if you want." Steve smiled slowly, happy he won Bucky over. He knew he could do it. He knew he could get him back eventually. "You aren't alone in this. Wanda's here too, and she dealt with Hydra. Maybe you two could talk. And I'll listen to whatever you have to say, I can elaborate on any little bits and pieces you do remember."
"Natasha is too." He added because she was actually the one he connected with the most even if he knew that was something that wasn't easily talked about with their shared past. He looked at their hands once more before looking at Steve once more.
"So what? We just start dating like we're all new friends?"
“Natasha?” He inquired. He had no idea of anything of the Red Room. He was close to Natasha but there were things she didn’t share.
“Not dating,” Steve was suddenly shy. “Just… like we used to be. Being together. Just… being near each other.” He was so sure of himself in other situations, it was weird when he talked about personal things like this one he found himself in now. When Natasha kissed him back when they were on the run, she asked if it was his first kiss since before he was frozen. He was still an awkward person on the inside.
"She's here, and she has connections to HYDRA." He clarified as if that was all he was talking about.
Oh that shyness made him smile a bit. It was familiar and he liked it, he liked things that felt right. He liked when something seemed to fall into place--and that felt normal. "You're such a bad liar." He teased almost, as if he was calling Steve out on the whole thing.
Steve raised an eyebrow, wondering to himself how far HYDRA had reached. Part of him felt bothered by the fact that HYDRA was there the whole time and had hurt so many people.
He pulled his hand away then, gently brushing his fingers over his nose and looking down. He snickered, “I’m not lying, c’mon Buck.”
"Fine." He couldn't help himself, he really couldn't help himself. "I guess I read things wrong." Was he teasing? Was he trying to prod Steve into telling him something? Even he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure he cared if they were or weren't lovers in the past, or weren't attracted to one another. He just knew what he thought he remembered. He knew how he remembered Steve looking at him.
Steve always looked at Bucky like that-- like he was the only person who ever existed. Like little kids gazing into a jar of fireflies. “Whatever you need to go through, I’m with you until the end of the line.” He looked up and locked eyes with Bucky. “You remember that?”
"I remember it from the hellicarrier." He said honestly, he didn't remember it from when Steve's mother died, "And I know that you've said it before that, or that I did, I know it's familiar--but I don't have all the pieces yet." He reached to push a loose piece of hair behind his ear once more with his left hand, and then took a second to look at the glove covering it before finally pulling at least that off.
Steve’s eyes went to the shiny metal then, a pang in his heart. He wondered how the arm felt to Bucky. If he ever was in pain or if it got too cold. He was silent for a few moments, thinking of that. “You said it to me after my mom’s funeral. I stayed with you for a long time after that, because--” He smiled then, remember it fondly, “Because you didn’t want me alone in that apartment. We shared a bed. We laughed a lot.”
He saw how Steve looked at the hand, and in a way that was what he was waiting to see, if Steve would look at it with disgust or not. It was part of him. It had been for a long time, and he wondered what Steve would think of it being part of the guy he had known.
"You really don't care do you?" His eyes searching for something, "You don't care that I'm who killed Howard Stark and all the others?"
There was no disgust, just a look of curiosity. A little sadness, not understanding what it was like to be disabled in that way-- or any way. But they were both super soldiers, so they at least had that in common.
“I know it wasn’t you. You were under control. I know with some work, you can be yourself again. I know Dr. Banner is going to try and help you.”
He looked up again at the mention of Dr. Banner. "Why do you know about him?" He didn't trust the guy, not really. He said he knew Steve but that didn't mean he really did, or that he was on the good side. In generally Bucky wasn't exactly trusting of people, especially new people.
He turned his head to look at the water once more before looking back at Steve, "I don't have a history of really getting along with doctors." The last doctors he had worked with were with HYDRA after all. the last doctors that worked with him were those there when he was electrocuted and putting him in stasis and taking him out.
“He’s a good man. He helped us out when we needed him. He’s on the run a lot, he worries about hurting people. The same way you worry about the Soldier coming out. You two have that in common.”
Steve put his hand on Bucky’s metal hand then, accepting it and trying to comfort him all at once. “Bruce is trustworthy. He won’t try anything on you.”
Again he looked at how their hands touched, but this time he turned his hand to curl his fingers around Steve's once more. He could feel with it to a point. It moved like a normal hand, like it was being moved with thought, not jerky or paused. It was part of him, and it had been for long enough that he really did see it as part of him. "Just not sure I want to be anyone's experiment anymore--you know?" Things were hard when it came to feeling like that.
"I didn't come here, or leave there, or whatever it is---to hurt you, I just want you to know that.I just thought--" He finished the thought with a sigh. He thought Steve was better off without him. Thought it was easier that way.
“I understand that. Tony probably is just curious. He tinkers. He’s a tinkerer.” Steve smiled warmly at Bucky, hoping Tony didn’t have plans on upgrading the arm or anything crazy like that.
“It’s fine. We’re here now, that’s all that matters. Do you want to go for a walk? My tea is cold.”
"Tony I can handle," He had done a good job against Tony in even in his suit let alone in a place like this, "It's the doctor I'm more worried about." He didn't know as much about Banner, and that was what unsettled him. Tony was something known, though this younger him wasn't fully the same man he at least knew what he was dealing with there.
He squeezed Steve's hand some before letting go and nodding, "Show me where you live?" He asked curiously, his own apartment was barely furnished, still living the life of a man ready to run.
Steve watched Bucky’s face when he said he could handle Tony. That was what he was worried about.
“Sure.” He got up from his seat and prepared to walk. “I don’t have much stuff, but I don’t think you’ll be worried about that. I just brought over the stuff from my apartment. And my motorcycle.”
Oh that got a smile, "I got a motorcycle first thing when I got here." He liked it far better than a car, always had. When it came to things he brought over it was really just one bag with some clothes, the notebook he'd started on things he'd remembered, and weaponry. He hadn't had anything he really cared about to bring in the sentimental way.The only thing he was sentimental about was Steve himself--and he'd been trying to avoid bringing him.
He walked to Steve's side, content to walk next to him, closer than a stranger would go but farther than a lover might.
Steve was fine with Bucky’s distance from him. He knew that maybe eventually, he’d get His Bucky back. Or some part of him. Or that this Bucky was the new Bucky. He could get used to that. As he told Banner, Bucky was the closest thing to family he had-- which was more than what everyone else in the Avengers had.