Crowley knew the question Castiel was going to ask first before he asked it, but when he heard it wasn't any easier. He could barely meet his eyes, to begin with, because sometimes he would look at the angel and remember when he wore that sinister smirk, when he held the chain attached to the collar, when he was calling him his puppy. Lucifer might have been at the steering wheel, but that didn't make it any easier for Crowley to look at Castiel and remember such things.
"It's a long story, and a very loaded question. Lucifer was busted out of the cage to take out a foe that needed the power of an archangel to defeat, and even that wasn't enough, it took the intervention of your dear old Dad to take her out in the end."
Crowley tried to think of how to tell Castiel what had happened without making him ask fifty more questions that would unleash all kinds of different amounts of pain. It made it harder for Crowley because he didn't know what if anything Castiel might have already been told, after all the Nephilim kid was here in Preya before Crowley had come here, and he might have clued Castiel in on a few things, and Moose might have...
"We were in another dimension, one where Sam and Dean were never born and Lucifer and Michael had never ceased their war, which was opened by the then-unborn nephilim, Lucifer's son Jack. Dean told me you met him, he came here recently?" Crowley didn't wait for clarification before continuing. "Lucifer was at full power and I had recently used the weapon that could have killed him to save your life, so there was no way to kill him, there was just a way to... delay him."
Crowley sighed, the memories fresh in mind, drumming his fingers against the table nervously. He hated every moment of this. Reliving it again and again, the way he'd just given up, the way he'd felt so low on the way here, remembering the hate in the Winchesters eyes, remembering the way Dean stabbed him in the hand, punched him in the face, remembering how he had nothing to live for.
Swallowing the lump in his throat, Crowley continued.
"It was me, Sam and Dean and Lucifer in the dimension. Dean managed to distract Lucifer long enough for Sam and I to go hide and work on a spell to close the portal in the hopes of trapping Lucifer here. The portal required something strong, a sacrifice. A life. I didn't tell Sam this until I made the decision."
Crowley huffed out a laugh that sounded a little too bitter for his liking. He wanted to get out of here. This was worse than Hell.
"I told myself I was sticking it to Lucifer but at that stage I felt... I felt I had nothing left. You all hated me, Sam and Dean and you and everyone else, I had nothing. Lucifer..." Crowley looked up at Castiel and quickly looked away again, "Lucifer had captured me at some stage, chained me up as his pet. Tortured me in ways worse than you can imagine. I tried to get my revenge against him but I ended up making things worse. So I had nothing left. It wasn't a sacrifice, it was suicide."
He shrugged.
"I remember driving the knife in, feeling the life leave my body, seeing the surprise on Sam and Dean's faces and I even thought I saw shock on Lucifer's face for a moment. You weren't there for it, you were outside the portal with Mary. Don't know if you know about her, ask your Squirrel, he knows more than me." He shook his head. "I remember dying, but I also remember before I arrived at the portal getting the message about this place and taking them up on the offer. The spell obviously worked, and... I guess Dean respects me now?" Crowley shook his head. "All I know is I am never ever doing anything like that ever again. All that noble bollocks, that's all you, Feathers."
Crowley took a sip out of the coffee, realised it was cold and impatiently warmed it up with a snap of his fingers. The coffee bubbled briefly before calming.
"Got any other questions?" Crowley asked with a bright smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.