tyler jackson (attirare) wrote in onceuponadream, @ 2011-12-12 22:31:00 |
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Tyler had been avoiding this conversation. He knew his friends were right. He knew Lori was right. And David, who had essentially given him the same advice. He knew he needed to lay all his cards on the table, tell Nic how he really felt about her... and about her seeing other guys. It felt selfish to push her, but Lori had a point - if he wasn’t honest with her, he could lose her. He should have talked to her about this over Thanksgiving, but there’d been her family right there and it just hadn’t seemed like the right time. Or maybe that had been a good excuse to chicken out. Either way, the weekend had come and gone and he still hadn’t made his move. He needed to suck it up and just talk to her, though. He knew that. Tonight. Now. It had been easy to put it off during the 24 hours since he’d arrived in Atlanta. They’d been busy having fun and he hadn’t wanted to spoil the mood. He kept telling himself he couldn’t keep doing that, though. They were curled up on the couch, snuggled under a thick blanket as a movie that he wasn’t paying much attention to played on the tv. Tyler’s focus was on the girl in his arms. His fingers were tangled in her hair and every few moments he’d press a light kiss to her forehead as the other hand brushed gently over her arm. “I need to talk to you about something,” he murmured, his heart hammering in his chest so furiously that he was sure even she could feel it. A part of him was terrified that talking about this was going to screw everything up, but he had to try. Nic wished that she could plead ignorance. She wished that she could pretend she didn't know how the men in her life felt about her. She couldn't, though. Gray had made it abundantly clear that he was in love with her. She'd told him that she'd needed some time… that she wasn't ready for a relationship, and he'd said that he was willing to give her what she needed. She knew that he wasn't satisfied with what their relationship, though. Not anymore. Tyler hadn't been as open about his feelings, but she knew that he wasn't the kind of guy that was satisfied with a casual relationship. She also knew that he must really care about her because that was what he'd settled for. She'd spent the last several weeks hating herself for going between the two men, but she didn't want to choose. Choosing meant that she was going to lose one of them, and she wasn't ready for that… she wasn't sure if she would ever be ready for that. She cared for them both, after all. The movie that they were watching held the bulk of her attention, but his doting touches were a little distracting. It felt good to be in his arms… too good, and she found herself humming very softly as his fingers moved over her skin. Her gaze met his when he told her that he needed to talk to her, and she studied him for a moment before murmuring, "Alright…" She couldn't explain it, but she was inexplicably terrified. She knew that it could be nothing… some unimportant random nothing. That wasn't the feeling she got as she looked at him, though, and she liked to think that she could read him fairly well. "What's going on?" Tyler’s mind was suddenly blank. He’d mentally rehearsed what he was going to say a million times, but now that the moment was here, he didn’t know how to say it. He didn’t know exactly what to say. Suddenly, everything he wanted to tell her, to ask of her seemed so incredibly selfish. Lori and David’s words echoes in his head, though. He didn’t want to lose Nic because he’d been to afraid or too nice to fight for her. “I love you.. I’m.. I’m in love with you,” he begain. He faltered there, unsure of what to say next. He didn’t want to upset her. He didn’t want to pressure her. He didn’t think there was any way to say this without doing that, though. “I hate the thought of you with other guys, Nic,” he murmured. His hand brushed over her cheek as he said the words. “I hate the thought of anyone else touching you. I know I’ve been acting like I’m okay with us just being.. casual.. but I’m not. I never have been.. I...” He dropped his gaze, studying a piece of lint on the blanket as though it was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lie to you...” She waited patiently for him to say something… for him to say anything. Each passing moment felt like an eternity, but in the grand scheme of things, it didn't take very long for him to speak. When he did, several expressions moved over her features. Relief. She didn't know why she'd been so afraid, but that fear melted away when he told her that he loved her. If he was making it a point to tell her that, to spell it out for her, everything had to be alright. Adoration. They hadn't given their relationship a title, but she felt exactly the same way. She loved him. She was in love with him. She'd known it for a while, but she'd been hesitant to admit it. Fear. If she admitted that she loved him, it could change them. It could change their relationship. If their relationship changed, they might never be the same. Dread. Loving him meant that she couldn't keep doing what she was doing. Her eyes filled with tears when he told her that he hated the thought of another guy touching her. She knew exactly what he meant because she felt the same way. "Don't apologize," she murmured finally. "It's not… I shouldn't have put you in this position. I knew you didn't… but I let you… because… because I needed..." When she realized that she was actually trying to excuse her behavior, she shook her head dismissively. "I'm no better than he is..." Tyler had dropped his gaze, afraid to watch her expressions, so he missed the signs of emotion that moved over Nic’s features as he told her how her felt. He’d looked at her again, though, when she started to speak and the seed of guilt in the pit of his stomach grew when he saw that her eyes were moist with tears. The last thing he had wanted to do was to make her cry. “Don’t say that, baby,” he retorted softly, but firmly. “Of course you’re better than he is. You’ve just been... I know you have feelings for him. I didn’t want to push you.. I didn’t think it was fair to ask you to stop seeing him when I live so far away...” He trailed off, feeling like an idiot. He just couldn’t seem to find the words to say what he wanted to say. He certainly didn’t think badly of her for being torn between him and the other guy, though. After all, Gray sounded like a douche, but she’d been in love with him long before she’d even met Tyler. That was why, at first, Tyler had been happy just knowing he had a chance with her. "I'm saying it because it's… true," she answered with a weak smile. "I'm… I'm doing exactly what he did. I'm forcing you to settle for less than what you want because I selfishly want… I don't know… to have my cake and eat it, too." She shook her head dismissively when he told her that he hadn't want to push… that he hadn't thought it was fair to ask her to stop seeing everyone else. As far as she was concerned, that didn't change anything. She had never told Gray how she felt. In fact, when he'd expressed concern over them getting too attached, she'd assured him that she was just looking to have a little fun. None of that alleviated the resentment she had over being taken for granted the last several years, though. "I'm sorry, Tyler," she breathed. "I didn't mean to take you for granted… to just expect you to be here until I decided. I… I love you… I'm in love with you. I have been. I just… don't want to hurt anyone or lose anyone." She paused. "And I hate that you didn't talk to me… that you didn't tell me… I like that we tell each other everything. It's why I fell for you so fast and hard." That wasn't remotely the point, but she thought that she would toss that out there while they were talking about how they felt. "No," he said firmly. "You haven't been forcing me to do anything. I am just as much to blame as you are." A brilliant smile spread over his features when she told him she was in love with him. Anything else she said hardly seemed to matter when compared to those three not so little words. She felt the same way he did. That had to be a good sign. "I know," he admitted when she continued. "I've wanted to tell you, but... it didn't seem like the kind of thing to put in a text message and we were so busy with your parents over Thanksgiving..." He was making excuses and he knew it. "And I was scared," he admitted more truthfully. "I was afraid of pushing you, I was afraid of being selfish, I was afraid of losing you if you didn't feel the same way..." His entire face lit up when she told him that she loved him, and she found that she was smiling in spite of the heavy feeling of dread that had dropped into the pit of her stomach. Her own feelings didn't seem to matter as much as his. Not to her, anyway. He was happy for that brief moment, and that was all that was all she cared about. Wasn't that love? Wasn't that true love? Didn't your own wants and needs take a backseat when you were in love? Didn't your partner's happiness mean more to you than your own? His happiness made her happy, and his misery made her miserable. If she truly loved Gray, wouldn't she feel similarly about him? Wouldn't she have put her own happiness aside and given him what he wanted when he'd said that he wanted her? She gently pressed her hand to the side of his face when he admitted that he'd been afraid of losing her. Her thumb stroked lightly over his cheek, and after studying him for a moment, she leaned in and brushed her lips over his. "You could never lose me, Tyler," she murmured earnestly. "I'm yours." Tyler couldn’t help the broad grin that spread over his face when she told him she was his. He’d been terrified he was going to screw everything up between them by admitting that he didn’t want to keep sharing her. He’d worried about upsetting her, hurting her by forcing her to make a choice. That was a large part of why he’d kept his feelings to himself for so long - he’d cared more about her happiness than his own. He’d been willing to deal with being a jealous of Gray, so long as Nic was happy. “Mine. I like the sound of that,” he whispered before he leaned in to press a loving kiss to her lips. Tyler’s hand moved over her cheek, brushing softly over the skin before his fingers dove into her hair. He smiled against her lips as his fingers moved through those gorgeous blonde waves and he hummed happily into the kiss. He wasn’t thinking about a few weeks from now when he’d need to return to Chicago. He wasn’t thinking about anything but this moment and how much he loved her. Ironically, Nic hadn't been happy. She'd felt absolutely horrible for going between them… for avoiding a commitment simply because she hadn't wanted to choose one over the other. As she'd said many times before, she didn't want a casual relationship. She had never wanted a casual relationship. She'd been willing to settle for one when she'd thought that was all she could have, but that had changed when she'd met Tyler. "Yours," she confirmed just as softly. When his hand brushed tenderly over her cheek, she reached up and covered it with her own. After giving it a gentle squeeze, though, she wrapped both of her arms around his frame and urged him into an embrace. Her lips moved lovingly over his, and a soft hum of approval built within her chest. She knew that her happiness would falter once she was faced with telling Gray that she had made her decision, but for the moment, she refused to think about that… she refused to think about anything other than how happy Tyler made her. |