InsaneJournal

Ender wasn't difficult to find. He'd just arrived, and Bean searched the docks first. He left the terminal at the library and headed to port as quickly as he could. He knew the city like the back of his hand, knew all the shortcuts. Never forgot his way. He moved quickly and efficiently, thought like Ender.

If I was Ender, where would I go first?

He wouldn't bother to hide. He should have hid, but he'd go out in the open. He'd explore. He'd also have no idea where to go. Stupid. He'd need help, knew someone who knew the area.

He spotted him just ahead, right out there in the open like he had a damn target painted on his chest----and instead of approaching him, he watched. Wanted to see if Ender would notice being watched. He held back. Ender was taller, older. Then again, Bean was older, too. He just didn't notice quite as much. He followed Ender, hanging back in the shadows.

Ender was a teenager now---physically. He'd always been very old for his age, just like his siblings, with the mind of an adult in the body of a child. The rest of him was just catching up. He had a bag attached to his back, not carelessly slung over one shoulder, but he walked with caution, even though the bag was full and obviously padded.

He hadn't lost his edge. He let himself be followed for the time it took to pay his docking fee. Credits were running low; he had enough to refuel or to eat, but not both. Leaving the dock vendor, Ender slipped through the crowd, careful not to jostle his backpack, shying away from anybody who got too close. He looked shy and lost. People walked right past him without giving notice, and when Ender stumbled over in Bean's direction, it became clear that it was less letting people push him around and more getting over to Bean without drawing attention to either of them.

Bean fell into stride alongside Ender. There was no hello, no heartfelt greeting. "I thought you were dead." He had to take longer steps to keep up. Bean was taller, average height for his age now. He'd always been so small. He still smelled like he hadn't bathed in over a week. His clothes were ratty and looked like they were made to fit an adult.

"I thought everyone was dead." Of course you did, Bean. "How long have you been here?"

"Six months. It's acceptable. Relatively safe." For someone like Bean to call a place safe, it must have been ridiculously safe. "You need to take a false identity."

"Because everyone thinks I'm dead."

Bean shook his head. "That's the least of your problems."

Ender frowned. "Explain."

"Well. You're the Xenocide."

...Great. "The book."

"The Hive Queen." Bean shook his head, sighed softly. "I read it. A lot of people read it. You're the most hated person on Earth and its colonies."

That hadn't been the intended effect, but there it was. And now Ender had to live with it. He could do that. "At least they have the truth." No self-pity, no whining. "I found the Queen. I didn't put it in the book."

"You have her." Ender mentioned a friend, and finding a new home for her. "In your bag."

"Yes." It went without saying that he didn't want to leave her alone. She was in more danger left alone on a ship than she was with him.

Bean nodded. That was Ender's goal right now. "You're not going to stay here long," he said. "You wouldn't put the Hive Queen here."

"Absolutely not." Ender needed to find her a home without humans, somewhere the Formics wouldn't have to be afraid of people.

"So you won't be looking for employment." Ender mentioned looking for employment. Unexpectedly, Bean felt his heart sink a little. It had been so long since he'd seen anyone from Battle School. Anyone he actually knew. Anyone he used to know on Earth was dead by now. So much time had passed and for Bean it only felt like two years.

"I need the money. I'll be around for a while." Time was so strange, and the Hive Queen would wait as long as she had to. He won't leave you so soon, Bean.

Bean made a face, watching Ender. "You don't need employment to get money if you need it, Ender." And then, he was oddly charitable for someone who was ordinarily intensely selfish: "I'll get it to you."

It was a sweet sentiment. Really. "I'm not a pickpocket, Bean. And neither are you, not for me. We're better than that."

Bean's expression flickered. Hn. He didn't say anything, but it was obvious that he didn't like what Ender just said.

Ender still felt obligated to teach. He'd been so conditioned to be in charge and he cared. Seeing Bean again was more emotional that he dared to let on. They had all done such horrible, heartless things. They couldn't make it worse. "Don't look at me like that," he ordered.

Bean wanted Ender's approval. He couldn't explain why. Instead of looking at Ender, Bean looked away. "You can stay with me if you want to." Better than that. Who did Ender think he was, huh? They were alone out here. They left school after the war and the universe went on without them. Bean was alone. He'd been expected to colonize another planet, but what the hell did that mean to him? Nothing. He was a genius, but he was nine. He didn't have any interest in founding a colony or ... populating it. So Bean lived his life the way he knew how, the way his instincts told him. He was surviving, he was living just fine. He had it so much better on Metis than he had in Rotterdam. And now Ender had the nerve to say he was better than that. It stung in a way that Bean hadn't felt for a long time.

It was a trait he shared with his brother, finding exactly what would get at a person and stabbing it. Sometimes he knew he was doing it; oftentimes he didn't. But he always did it. It had made him great in the eyes of Colonel Graff, it had destroyed the Formics, and now what was it good for? Picking at Bean? Picking at his only friend, if you could call them friends? But Ender was right and he didn't have it in him to lie. It was like a compulsion. He always felt terrible for hurting people, but he always had a reason or some justification.

Ender opened his mouth to speak again, but was abruptly cut off by a girl's voice saying, "Bug! Bugger. Bugger in a bag, baby Bugger, lady Bugger---" The girl seemed to be a little older than Ender, but she was babbling like a child and pointing.

Bean immediately went on alert. He tensed, ever so slightly, but he didn't alter his path. At least, he tried not to. His eyes flickered to the girl. He didn't speak. He was observing. He was learning. Bean was private and still and had a constant analytical monologue going through his mind, working out possible angles and futures and conclusions. He didn't share these things. His first thought was: Stupid. But she was pointing at Ender and saying Bugger in a bag. His heart was beating faster.

There was an adult with the girl, pale-haired and light-skinned, and he took her arm and tried to placate her. "Not now. Do you want a snack? I'll get you a snack."

Bean's head tilted, just a tic, like an inquisitive little bird. Stupid. Definitely. The man, not the girl.

Ender was silent, impassive. If he was panicking, he didn't look it. Just ... quiet. Watching her. She wasn't advancing on them and didn't seem like she was angry or aggressive. When the man with her took her arm, she laughed. "Bugger," she said insistently, looking up at him. "You don't know what it is. Earth That Was. You don't even know what Hawaii is."

"I don't know about a lot of things you talk about," said the man with irritated patience. He spoke slowly, as if dealing with a small child. So he thought she was stupid, concluded Bean. If he thought so, then it must have been generally accepted by other people here that she spoke nonsense. What she said would carry no weight and bring no blame on Ender. The man wasn't even looking toward them.

He also didn't seem to understand what she was talking about, didn't recognize the term Buggers. Earth That Was? Earth still existed.

"Your shirt," the girl replied, as if he was an idiot. Pulling out of his grip, she approached Ender, looking him in the face and cocking her head. "You have death in your eyes," she added softly. "It's stuck on your skin." And to Bean, she looked down and nodded. "He doesn't comprehend his shirt. His mind is too small."

Bean didn't speak. He hung back, a little bit behind Ender, looking like a lost child. That act worked really, really well on most people when he was four, five years old, and he looked only two. Now he was nine and he looked nine.

"River! River." The man went to the girl and gently took her shoulder. "Let's go this way and leave the nice kids alone, all right?" He mouthed an apology to Ender.

Ender shrugged, helpless. "She's not hurting anything." Bean had to fake this sort of compassion. Ender was honest, but he looked at the man instead of River. What she'd said had shaken him in a very ... uncomfortable way. But she was clearly insane and not to be taken seriously. "Sorry. We should have kept walking."

"No," River said firmly. To whom she said it was a mystery. "No no no."

"She's harmless," the man clarified.

Liar, thought Bean.

Ender didn't believe it for a second. She was insane, but she wasn't clueless. "I see," Ender said, going along with it.

"Ender," she blurted.

And strangely enough, the man with her didn't react. He wasn't from around here. Human, he had to have been human, but Bean knew from his reading that colonists had left Earth years before Bean was born, had terraformed and populated other planets in another star system. Earth That Was. That would have made sense.

But the girl knew.

Bean's passive expression flickered.

"You two know where you're going, don't you?" asked the man. "Not lost?"

Bean almost made a face. He paused a moment. "Actually, my friend just arrived on planet and I was supposed to bring him something to eat, but I got so hungry I ate it on the way." He looked appropriately shamefaced. "Mom's going to kill me."

The man, taken aback, chuckled. "How about I get your friend a little something? I was about to get an ice planet or something for River."

Ender glanced over, and rather than looking annoyed that Bean was lying, he looked more like he was hungry and upset. Fine, Bean. Fine. But only once.

River rolled her eyes and sighed. "He's lying." Duh.

"River, that's not very nice." But the man gave Bean an extra look. Probably sizing up whether or not to believe him, and then concluding that yes, he probably was. And yet, despite that, despite the slightly suspicious look, he must have thought that Bean and Ender looked hungry enough that he was willing to give something out. "All right! Who's hungry? I am"----and Bean raised his eyebrows, as this man looked like he'd never gone hungry a day in his life----"and I bet you are, so ... come on, I'll get you something." Suspicious enough that he'd purchase the food and not just give them money.

"Thank you." The man didn't look like he believed Bean, but if he didn't and he was getting them food anyway ... well. It wasn't theft. Ender felt distinctly uncomfortable going with this girl, but nobody seemed to believe her. And he had to admit, food sounded like a good idea, even if he was still decided just how trustworthy this man was. "I'm Andrew, by the way."

"Wash," said the man with a smile. "Welcome to Metis, though I can't really say that with any authority. Haven't been here long. This is River, you're already introduced, and this is..."

Bean just stared at him.

Ender looked down and gently elbowed Bean in the side. "Be polite."

Bean took a step to the side. "Bean." He had no reason to hide his name the way Ender did.

Wash chuckled. "Ain't that cute. Only rule is that River picks where we go. Can't control her when she wants somethin'."

You can't control her at all, thought Bean.

"You're feeding liars," River said bluntly, but she led the way regardless. She moved with purpose, and every pit stop she made to stare at food or touch something seemed very deliberate. Abrupt, but deliberate, and eventually she stopped in her tracks and pointed. "That."

"Then that's where we'll go." Wash didn't seem related to her. He seemed like a long-suffering babysitter. Bean didn't care about him, but he cared about the girl. She knew who Ender was, knew what he was carrying. Somehow. She hadn't just said Bugger. She said Bugger in a bag.

She said that. She knew.

How? Bean was honestly stumped, honestly confused.

While Bean was wondering and Ender was watching, River was having trouble picking out her food. On Serenity, that was one thing. She wasn't allowed to cook or choose meals. Having choices confused her, but once she had it in her heads, she turned back to Bean and said firmly, "I'm in your brain."

Bean frowned. He didn't speak. He waited for her to explain and go on. He wouldn't lead her. Telepathy? Seriously?

"Ain't worth a bean," she continued. "Ender Wiggin. Bugger lady baby in a bag."

To Wash, it all sounded like complete nonsense. "Yep, you bet," he said, like he was part of this conversation. "River, stop scaring the kids. Please."

"They're not kids on the inside."

The conversation was clearly making Wash uncomfortable. He didn't seem like the type to like confrontation. "Doesn't mean you have to bother them so. I'm just going to get them something to eat and then we can go on their way, all right?" He went to the vendor, jingling coins in his pockets.

River was left alone with them, munching on her food for a moment before looking directly at Bean. "You look like Wash's baby."

Bean blinked once. "Well, I'm not." The hell?

River made a face. "Obviously." Duh.

"Doesn't look anything like me. Looks more like Andrew." And this was all completely irrelevant. Bean just wanted to take the food and go. Actually, he wanted Ender to go. He wanted to follow the River girl, but Ender might have been in danger with her.

Ender had been watching. He wasn't in command anymore and he knew nothing about this place, or these people. River was clearly an anomaly among them, judging by the way she was treated. And she knew things. Finally, he said, "I think you're missing the point, Bean."

Bean's eyes flickered to Ender. He was trying to distract her from the point, Ender. For God's sake.

Ender wasn't trying to get her off track. Calm down, Bean. It felt almost like being home---no, not home, in Battle School. Explaining something and knowing it was going to be difficult to get people to understand, especially Bean. "Is he---"

"He's being nice," River said, cutting him off. "Because you look like the baby he wants."

Bean looked downright wary. He didn't know what he thought about that little tidbit of information. Was he safe? Was Wash going to drug him and take him away? Why did Wash want some scrawny black kid? It was in his nature to be paranoid. He had a knife in his shoe. He never had to use it before.

River cocked her head. "His wife is black." Like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and why don't you know that, Bean?

"Oh." Bean's expression softened a little as he looked past River to Wash, chatting----and joking----with the vendor. Maybe he couldn't have children. Maybe they lived a life that didn't let them have children. Not that it was his problem. He didn't care, but he didn't feel threatened in the same way, the more he thought about it.

It hit Ender in a strange way---and in that moment, he missed his parents with an ache he hadn't felt in years. Wash was nothing like his father, and he was willing to bet that Wash's wife was nothing like his mother, but Wash looked old enough to be allowed to have a child. Had they lost the right somehow? Or maybe they just couldn't.

It wasn't important. Beside that, River was watching them intently and Ender was starting to wonder if she blinked.

Wash quickly returned with hot sandwiches for Ender and Bean. "I know you said you ate what you meant to give to your friend, but take this anyhow," he said as he passed Bean a sandwich. Ender looked put-together. Bean was the one who looked like he was hungry and ... like he lived on the street. Maybe that was why he was lingering.  Just didn't feel right to abandon a kid who looked like that.

He passed River her food once Bean took his. "So! Ah." Yeah, it was appropriately awkward.

"Thank you." It smelled like real food. Ender had been living off space food for years and he hadn't expected to get anything for free after that. "Are you from around here?"

"Around---? Haaa..." Wash said something in another language----Chinese, Bean recognized. Funny, Wash wasn't Chinese. Then again, Battle School slang had been Brazilian. It might have been something specific to the area he was from. "Nah, this is far out, even for us."

"So what do you do?" It was easier to get Wash to talk about himself that answer questions or sit in awkward silence. People liked feeling interesting.

"I'm a pilot." Wash was clearly proud of this fact and Bean looked appropriately fascinated, just so he'd go on. "She's one of our..." He trailed off. Bean waited. He didn't finish his sentence. Was he hiding something? People were looking for her. Something about her was special, or secret, or something.

After an awkward, uncomfortable silence, River piped up with, "My brother is a doctor."

"And what are you?" asked Bean, taking a slow bite of his food. Savoring it.

"His sister."

Bean nodded while he chewed.

"You kids know where you're going? Don't want to make you late." Wash was watching Bean. He wasn't buying the whole story about Mom. No good mother would let Bean go out looking the way he looked, or smelling the way he smelled.

"We'll be all right." Bean's story was pretty unlikely. Little kid wandering around like he's homeless and his friend is a teenager with his own ship? Yeah. Sure.
 
"We're right around the corner. Thanks for the food." Bean decided the conversation was over. They weren't right around the corner. They were all the way across the port, but Bean wasn't about to say that. Taking the food, he stalked away without another word. He had a feeling this wouldn't be the last time he saw these people.

Ender gave Wash a guilty look. "I'm sorry. I can't let him go alone. Thanks again." And then he turned and followed, disappearing into the crowd.

River watched them, tipping up her chin. "They'll be back."

Bean didn't look over his shoulder. He ducked into narrow alleys and took the most roundabout way possible. "We stayed entirely too long, but we know this: The girl knows who you are, and the pilot is reluctant to explain who she is. Regrets telling us her name. She's ... telepathic." Bean paused. "Then again, she may just be exceptionally perceptive." Bean had been accused of being psychic before. He just had an unconscious mind that picked up things and drew conclusions faster than his conscious mind did. "She's special. And she's hiding. Or the people who are keeping her want her hiding."

"We never used the word 'Bugger'," Ender added. "Or my name. If she's hiding what she is, we shouldn't be trying to crack her open." Ender was insanely curious, but River seemed like she could pull all their secrets out of their heads without even trying. He didn't want to have his mind opened up that way; after years of playing the Mind Game, Ender didn't need one more thing in his brain. To be honest, he really didn't even like having the Bugger Queen being able to get into his head, but she had no other way to communicate. River had a mouth and a tongue and no sense of privacy, it seemed.

"She knows the Queen's in your bag," said Bean. "Anything else, she could have learned from books, maybe knowing what we look like, and knowing about relativistic space travel... but the fact she knew the Queen's in your bag."

"We don't want to make trouble here." Ender had caused enough of that, already. "We'll stay away from her."

Bean nodded. "Come on, this way." He ducked around a corner.

Ender followed, grateful to be away from Wash and River. He didn't really want to stay in whatever hovel Bean had managed to find, but ... well.

Bean actually had a decent little place. He found a building with a loft that was long-abandoned. People lived in the floors below but nobody upstairs. It was dusty and small but Bean practically lived in luxury, considering what Ender probably expected. "This'll do?"

"This'll do." Bean did well. Ender gently slid his backpack off, settling down on the floor and opening it. He was sure that she was still safe, but he couldn't take any risks.

Bean watched, but he kept his distance. "I don't know where the others are," he said. "Some of them are dead. Settled early and started colonies and now their grandchildren are there."

Ender carefully sifted through all the padding in the bag, listening while he did. "It's best that way," he said eventually.

"It's better than what would have happened if we returned to Earth. War would have broken out. They were best to keep us away. I don't want to run a planet."

"I know." Why are you telling him things he knew, Bean?

Bean hadn't had a conversation in ages. "I know you do. But if we didn't talk about things we already knew, we'd have nothing to talk about." He sat down on a cushion and pointed. "The bathroom's in there. You didn't know that."

Ender ran his hand over the pupa and sighed with relief. No cracks. No stresses. She was as still and safe as ever. "...Are you lonely, Bean?" He asked like he'd never considered the possibility before.

Bean's expression was stoic and passive, which told Ender everything he needed to know. Bean was a selfish kid. He wanted to survive, he didn't care about anyone else. At least, that was what he told himself. He didn't feel human, he didn't feel real sometimes, and he felt ... alone. Completely alone. No family, no friends, no nothing. And no matter how much he wanted to be some bratty street kid who didn't need anybody, his own emotions and attachments always crept up on him unawares.

"You changed when you heard about that man's wife. You softened." They never talked about families in Battle School and Ender wondered if Bean had any at all.

"You remember Nikolai?"

"Yes."

"They let him go home to Earth. He wasn't exceptional enough."

"And?"

Bean was quiet for a moment, unusually childlike in the way he fidgeted. "He was my brother." Was. Because he was dead now.

Ender was quiet for a moment, his hand still resting on the pupa. "I'm sorry, Bean."

"My twin brother. Genetically." Bean frowned and watched his feet. He felt his eyes sting like he was going to cry. He hadn't told anyone about this before. Anyone who knew was dead, except for Bean. "I knew for a few days before I was sent away. He got parents. I didn't. He got to be normal and ... happy, and never went hungry."

Ender didn't have anything helpful to say. It was bizarre enough that Bean was emotional. But now he knew that Bean never knew his real parents and had probably been on the streets before Battle School, too. "Stay with me," he said finally. "We'll take care of each other."

Bean nodded once and let out an uncomfortable sniffle. There was a lot on his mind, a lot of things he was angry about, upset about. He could have had Nikolai's life. It was just by random chance that Nikolai was the one who was chosen to be born rather than stolen and experimented on. Just by random chance that Nikolai was normal and Bean ... wasn't. Everyone who knew that was dead, too.

What was he supposed to do now. He didn't want to call attention to Bean's crying---or was that cruel, to ignore it? Instead, he asked, "Do you do anything for fun?"

Bean looked up. "What?" Fun?

Ender remembered fun. Valentine had reminded him when they were together, before she went and got married and he had to leave her behind. "Fun."

Bean shook his head a little. "I read at the library. Sometimes I kick cans around." But he was alone, so he didn't ever play, really.

"...Well, at least you're not a midget anymore."

Bean's eyes flickered up to Ender, his expression stiff. "I'm growing."

"That's usually how it works."

There was a moment of hesitation, and then: "I won't stop growing."

Ender looked up and frowned. If he never stopped, his heart wouldn't be able to take it. "...How long will you live?"

"Ten years, maybe."

"It's better than five." Optimism?

Bean's mouth twitched. Was that a smile? "Depends on how quick I grow."

"So go slow." Ender did smile. "I guess you're stuck with me for ten years, then."

Bean looked taken aback. He broke into a little grin. "I guess."