Callen, G. (g_callen) wrote in omega_reality, @ 2011-06-04 23:30:00 |
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Entry tags: | *complete, 2011 06, character: g callen |
RP: G Callen
Who: G Callen
Where: Base -- OSP Main House
When: Sunday, June 5, 2011 -- wee hours of the morning, sometime before dawn
Summary: G does some thinking in the night.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Breathing. It was something so basic, so simple, taken for granted by so many. And, yet, as he lay there in the same position he'd fallen asleep in with his head on Sam's shoulder and his hand resting over the rib cage expanding with each breath, G couldn't help thinking how extraordinary it was. Mostly, he found it extraordinary to find himself in a bed with another person, listening to them breathe and not panicking at another presence in the room, let alone the bed. But, the solid form beside him came with a sense of stability and security G had never hoped to find.
It was his natural insomnia that had him awake this time, allowing him to simply come back to awareness of his surroundings without so much as opening his eyes. There was none of the sudden jerking awake and rapid heartbeat that came with wakings caused by his nightmares, which had returned with increased frequency since the trip to L.A. and the questions that had arisen after finding Robert. That had been the reason for his previous waking on this night, leaving him shaking and breathing hard, and he was glad enough for the comparatively more gentle waking this time that just left his mind restless and wandering.
If it was even night. His internal clock told him it was more likely only an hour or so before the time he normally gave up on sleep and got up to start the day.
Unresolved identity issues.
That was what Nate had called it when G's dreams had plagued him the previous summer. Unresolved identity issues.
As Hetty had said then, G's? Or the man taking photos of him at his sister's grave?
Or the man in the car whose identity G couldn't even begin to guess at...or, perhaps more accurately, shouldn't begin to guess at.
There were times he wondered if he wouldn't be better off not knowing at this point. Would it be better to just accept he would never know his name or his birthday, who his parents were, why they'd left him and his siblings to go through hell? Would giving up make the nightmares go away? Or would it simply be a false sense of peace, ready to shatter with the next unexpected revelation?
Letting these thoughts go, G took a deep breath and let it go on a sigh.
Inhale.
Exhale.
He felt the warmth of his own breath reflected back off Sam's skin and it calmed him in the same way Sam's steady presence always made G more confident in all settings. He was cocky enough on his own when it came to work. But, with Sam, he could almost feel that same surety about himself.
Still, not enough to keep him from asking the questions, wanting the answers. Why had they been given up? Why did their parents seem to care so much less about him than his siblings? Why did G have to care?
Robert certainly didn't seem to be as consumed by questions, for all he'd known even less than G about their family until just a short time ago. Thought he seemed willing enough to give G what resources he could to help G's search whenever they could return home, Robert didn't seem to share the need for answers that drove G so intensely. He didn't show signs of the same sort of uncertainties G struggled with, either. In a way, G was glad for that, for the lack of that sort of pain in his brother's life.
Yet, G couldn't give it up, not even now. Not after finding his brother. Not after Savannah suggesting she become his daughter on paper here, take the name Callen as her family name before getting married to Deeks. He couldn't give up on the hope of one day finding the answer to his past that would make his present complete. He knew no one else understood. Not even Sam, really. Sam grounded him, reminded him of who he'd worked so hard to become. But, sometimes G wasn't sure his partner really understood the way G didn't feel like he could truly know who he was until he got the answers he was looking for about where he came from.
Unresolved identity issues.
Yet, despite the holes G saw in himself, Sam loved him anyway. He trusted him and promised to do his best never to leave G alone if he could help it. They both knew they couldn't promise more than to try to stay alive as long as possible in their line of work. But, that much was even more than G had ever thought he'd deserve.
I love you, he mouthed silently against Sam's shoulder, the words easier to say when his partner was asleep.
And wasn't that pathetic?
He couldn't stop looking for answers, thought, or believing they'd find a way out of this dimension. He needed to believe those answers were still within his reach. But, for now, he could try to sleep some more. He had something here he didn't need to go searching for any longer: Somewhere he belonged. It was right here, listening to Sam's quiet breathing.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.