Re: Derek/John
"Knowing why it happens and knowing how to fix it are two different things. But, I meant that maybe there was a reason he didn't know, a reason that was more telling than faulty tech or incomplete programming. The point, though, is that no matter what he did or what happened, no one really knows him as well as they think they do. Not you, not Cameron, not me."
Reaching up, he cupped the back of Derek's neck. "That's a big difference, though, Derek. But…no, I don't think you are turning into him. I think you're trying to tell yourself that's what's happening or that's what needs to happen now that he's gone. But, listen to what you're saying, Derek. It started with Kyle. That seven year old girl? It wasn't about getting what we needed. You were protecting me. Judgment Day? You've been protecting Kyle ever since the first one and you haven't stopped. Maybe you finally understood how a person could commit such acts. But, I don't think you're really like him yet. And I don't think you have to be. He didn't have anyone. No one. He had a machine…maybe. I'm not really sure he even had that much. But, he didn't have you and he didn't have Kyle and he didn't have Mom. He didn't have anyone.
"And maybe…maybe that's where this was all heading all along, why he sent her to me and why he sent me to you. Maybe he could see what was happening to him and it was his only way out, his only way of making sure John Connor stayed human. I mean, he had no one. He seems to have generally thought ten steps ahead of everyone, like Vance. And, yet, he arranged things in a way that I had a family, I had a reason to take that last jump and wipe out my own existence in the war. Why? Why would he do that if his way was the answer to winning the war he'd spent so much time and energy fighting?
"Even then, none of that matters because you're missing the most important point. You want to protect me and Kyle, you want us to be alright. But, we won't be alright if you aren't because we need you, we need you here with us. I've been afraid of losing you since the day we met and you were bleeding out on my kitchen table. What I want is for you to stay with me. I may have been trained to lead, but I can't do this without you, Derek. Whether I lead or not, I need you in my life. I won't be alright so long as you're in pain or if you die. I know I won't be because I've lived it. I've lived through your death, your actual death. If Martin hadn't followed me, my last sight of you would have been your body lying on the floor with a bullet hole between the eyes. And that was the image that I took with me when I jumped, only to find a you that had never even heard of me. Fuck the legend. I'd seen your corpse and there you were looking through me as if I was nothing. I know what it is to lose you and I'm not going to let you leave me again for some legend. Do understand me? I'm not losing you, Derek. I can't lose you again." That much he was certain about. He couldn't go through that another time.
"And I don't want apologies for Nell. I told you before, you thought I was dead. If I was dead, it wouldn't matter anymore. You couldn't have known it was a trick. But, you need to tell Mike what you can, what he needs to know to help you. I won't push on the what. But, don't hold back if the only reason is to protect my identity. If I was that concerned, I never would have revealed myself to the triple eight that was after Martin at Presidio. After all, I'm protecting you, too. If John Connor is still a target, so is his family. So, as long as you promise me you'll talk to Mike as openly as you can without compromising our family, then I won't push on telling him everything."