Re: Derek/John
"And see, that's where we're different. My life has been nothing but preparing for this war. But, the war is so personal to you that you can't see past it. You won't let yourself have anything good unless it can exist inside this war because you don't want to lose focus. But, I wonder if that very focus hasn't gone and lost itself, if you can't see the forest for the trees, as it were. You think I don't know that Vance can be ruthless? I've known the man longer than you have, lived with him for the entire time I've been in this world except for the time we were at the ranch. I probably know more of what he's capable of than anyone save Sam and Callen. And I also know that he cares. He's been a friend to me and a mentor, the kind of leader I do want to be like. I get ruthless. And, you know what? I can still be just as ruthless if I truly have to be. I was entirely prepared to let events play out as they had to in the war, to know what was happening to all of you and to stay away, to let it happen, let myself and Kyle be captured so the escape and everything that should have come after happened, so that we didn't fuck things up even further by playing around with events we don't really understand completely.
"But, it wasn't Dr. Sherman I was lying to. It was Mom and Cameron and you. I didn't have to lie to him. He knew from the start that at sixteen I had the same PTSD as the war veterans he treated. And, the thing is, I almost told him the truth, that I'd tried to kill myself because I couldn't live like that, couldn't live with the constant death in my name. But, his office was bugged. I wouldn't just be telling him. I would have been telling my mother that she'd spent my entire life trying to protect me only to make me wish I was dead. And I couldn't do that to her. So I lied to her. I lied to her and disappeared when I really wanted to talk to someone who could help me in ways none of the rest of you could have. Instead of getting help, I pushed it all aside and kept going. And when I got here, I had a total mental breakdown on J-Day. Do you know that the only sick leave anyone has ever taken since this all started has been for injuries or power side-effects? Every day of leave for anyone who's ever been with us. Every day but one. April 21, 2011 because missing that doesn't make it better. I'd seen the results. I knew what was happening. I knew what I was supposed to be doing. And I was here. I had all that knowledge and couldn't do a damned thing and I wanted to die all over again for the failure. And it hasn't been the last time, though it's been the worst."
Sitting up again, he turned and put both hands on Derek's shoulders. "It's not a do-over, you ass. It's living. And I'm not shooting you. That's not what I'm supposed to do because there is no sure destiny for me anymore. I'm taking the words my father gave my mother to heart: There is no Fate but the one we make. I'm making my own fate and it's going to be awesome. And you're going to be there to see it because, you know what? I don't take orders from you, either. Never have. So, I'm not shooting you and I'm telling you to talk to Mike because I'm not equipped to help you, no matter how much I want to. You don't have to lie. The enemy is just that, no matter if it's bone or metal. You don't have to go back in time to kill your best friend, you just acted on intel that let you know what he was planning to do. The aid to your leader was the woman who tortured you before she switched sides and it was her that told you of your girlfriend's miscarriage after her death. It's all truth. And the fact there are machines and fucking with laws of nature involved don't change the core of what happened to you, Derek. It wasn't two decades before, not for you and not for Jesse. It had already happened. It had already changed her, Connor had already betrayed you both. And you can tell Mike all of that if that's what you need to talk about. The same way I talk to Troy or Savannah about the things that happened to me without ever mentioning anything that couldn't have happened in this world or their world. You can divorce the tech from it and it still sucks, it still fucks up your head. And talking will still help."