Re: Derek/John
"Something that runs in the family," John pointed out with a smirk.
Still, he sighed and shook his head at the justification. "Never directly disobeyed, but you still didn't trust him as completely as you say you did. If you had, you wouldn't have questioned, bitched, skirted, or avoided and done things your own way regardless. You trusted him to be ruthless, but didn't really expect him to get the job done."
Pulling his leg up, he wrapped his arms loosely around one knee. "You don't, actually. Know how I feel, I mean, or what I want to do. You can't know because I don't know. I've been gone for two years. You've been gone for one. Whatever world we go back to, it won't be the same war we left. Everything's changed. The major players aren't even the same. Without knowing the situation we're walking into, or if I even have a place in it anymore, I can't say what I'll want or what I'll do. What people are going to let me do anything? I'm not a leader there. I wiped myself out of existence. I was raised to lead this war and instead I mean nothing to it. When you think about it, the enemy achieved it's goal. There is no more Connor to lead the human race to victory. I'm not saying someone else won't take his place and do the same, but that was why the assassins were sent. On that point, the enemy's won. I don't know where I fit, let alone what I want to do. I know what I thought he wanted to do. But, that was a different war. I can't fight this as the same war. I'm not a part of this war the way I was the other. I can't do anything at all until I know if there's even a place for me left in all this. Still, if I don't want to be him, then I don't know if I want to do the things I thought he was trying to do. That was the part none of you ever understood. I didn't trust her, I trusted his programming. I don't know if I can trust him now. And he's gone. How can I trust anything I thought before? I can't. I have to start all over again and figure out the war before I can figure out my place in it or what I want to do. So, no, you don't know what I want and I need you to talk to me about these things because you're the only tie I have left to any of it."
He laid his head down on his knee. "No, Derek, caring is what sets us apart from the enemy. The fact that we can have compassion, empathy, sympathy, even when everything has gone to shit and it seems like one thing after another has gone wrong, is what makes us human. These people have helped us, taken us in, made us a part of their team for no other reason than that they care. What are you even doing taking on second in command if you don't care? And, maybe there's nothing that can be done at home. Maybe there isn't time or people have simply forgotten how to care. But, the people here care. They care about you. And there are things that can be done to help you deal with this because you're not dealing, you're not surviving. You're pushing it away and letting it get worse until you snap. So, what happens if next time you black out and it's Nell that gets shot? Or me? Because I'm not him. The ends will never justify the means for me if it means shooting you. I'll die first. Are you going to just move on and not care then? Tell yourself there was nothing you could have done to stop it, so no reason to try?"