Re: Derek/John
"Remember when I arrived and I told you that going back to the base, having those kids hug me was the best way to feel human? I have a problem hugging Connor, but I'm finding that hugging my nephew feels just as good as hugging those kids. I can't keep track of who did what to change who, but I'm starting to appreciate that you're not him, you're not that leader. It's more than that. I... I'd rather keep you like this, without any of the flashbacks that stay with you." He kissed John's head, before pressing his forehead against John's, saying nothing for a few moments, before sighing.
"I don't know any other life, John. It happened in the past. It will happen when we go home, and maybe one day I won't be so lucky. Maybe it'll be a man or a machine. I don't know. I know there's nothing that can be done," he said with a shrug "They happen, they last as long as they do, and then they end. I don't know how long they last. I can't really tell. I've had blackouts after we met, and I survived. It's just the way war is."
Derek wasn't sure if John should know the story and how much it would change him and his future, but changes were inevitable after what they were going through. "I left on a mission. When I returned, Kyle was gone and she was there. He wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't tell me about Kyle, wouldn't discuss Cameron. He put a nice wall between me and him, making sure he didn't have to explain himself. He never did. Connor said jump, and we jumped. I didn't like it, but what choice did I have? He'd saved Kyle, he'd protected him in that camp, he'd done what I'd failed to do. I owed him. I don't know why her. I'm sure there was a reason, something more than looks. I don't buy that. There had to be more, but he wasn't exactly one to share. But yeah, he knew about her, knew what she'd done, whatever his reasons were, I'm sure they were important."
He sighed again. "That's what I've been trying to tell you all along. He would do whatever necessary. The end justified every and all means, no matter who got hurt in the process. It's what I was trying to see in you, and it wasn't there. It doesn't have to be if you don't want it to be." He covered John's hand. "You've always paid attention to what I was saying, even when you disagree, so pay attention now. I don't need you to be that man. You don't have to be him if you don't want to be. I love you, not him, but you, and that won't change no matter what you decide." The last part had him laughing. "Kiddo, I hate to break it to you, but I've never seen you as the head of anything. Connor was the head of the resistance. You were the annoying teenager who needed to be steered in the right direction. You've become my responsibility the moment things clicked in my head," he said in a softer tone. "You still are, and always will be. Not my mission, but my responsibility, because I love you. You stop worrying now, okay/ I'll be fine. We'll just ban whatever that music is."