TJ Hammond (hammond_tj) wrote in omega_reality, @ 2013-04-12 16:53:00 |
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Entry tags: | *complete, 2013 04, character: douglas hammond, character: thomas hammond |
RP: TJ and Doug
Who: TJ, Doug
Where: TJ's Room
When: Friday, April 12, 2013
Summary: Doug makes sure TJ is doing okay
TJ was able to sleep for a few hours. The physical and mental exhaustion overcame the pain enough that he was able to sink into blessed unconsciousness for a time. But, after another decent-sized aftershock in the late morning, sleep was fitful as his body finally had the chance to tell him what being in a car as it fell over the side of a mountain had done to it. Not just his sprained shoulder, but every muscle ache and bruise he'd ignored during the adrenaline rush of pushing the car over the ledge, delivering Savannah's baby, and finally climbing up to safety when Travis and the others found them.
When sleep started to include twisted variations on those events, he stopped trying to force it, not wanting to relive some of the more horrific moments of the night -- and he wasn't including the delivery on that list. It had to be well into the afternoon, anyway, judging by the sunlight when he opened his eyes. Rubbing his left hand over his face, he groaned at the roughness under his fingers. He'd managed a very quick shower before falling into bed, almost literally, in just his boxer briefs because there was no way he was sleeping in clothes battered as he felt. Rules be damned. But, a shave had been out of the question. He hadn't felt this much like Hell since the O.D. and definitely never when clean and sober.
His right shoulder screamed with pain when he pushed himself into a sitting position. There were pills somewhere. Basic Ibuprofen that Maura had given him since it was supposed to be non-habit forming and most stronger pain medications would be too much of a risk of further addiction with his existing substance abuse problems. TJ couldn't help resenting that a little. Something to forget the pain sounded really fucking good just then. He was in the process of trying to remember where he'd put the bottle of pills when a knock heralded his brother's arrival.
"Come on in," TJ croaked in greeting. "Tell me you know where I dropped the pain meds Maura gave me last night."
Doug had had plenty of questions the night before, but he knew his brother was hurt and needed to go home. With Travis. Today, he waited to make sure that TJ was rested, before going in.
"Stay where you are; I'll find them." There weren't many places to put them. He scanned the nightstands and when he didn't see them, he checked the dresser. "Travis must have but them here. Let me get you some water,". He tossed the pills on the bed and then went to the kitchen, returning with a bottle of water. "Here."
"Thanks." TJ opened the pills and dumped a couple into his hand. He tossed them back and followed them with a couple gulps of water. "I should have thought he'd put them there. Easy reach. Not quite awake yet, I guess."
Patting the bed, he set both bottles on the nightstand. "Sit. Keep me company. I'll be awake for awhile, this time."
It probably should feel strange at their age, but Doug felt completely at ease with getting on the bed and sitting next to TJ, in what would be Travis' side of the bed. "Or you're in pain and not thinking clearly." Usually, TJ's near-death experiences came with nice hospitals and plenty of drugs.
"I don't know if you want me here for long." Doug didn't even know where to start. "Okay, I know there are probably a lot more important things that should be discussed, but Jamie? Really? What the hell did you do out there that had the resident cheerleader sticking up for you like you were her BFF."
"I want you here." TJ hadn't gotten quite the same briefing about what had happened to his family as they seemed to have been given on him. Brian and Travis and everyone else had just said they were fine. TJ had spent several hours worrying about what was going on, if his brother was alright.
But he snorted when Doug finally got around to asking about the baby. "I swear I didn't do anything other than catch the kid when it came out and push a car over the edge of the cliff. Everything else was arguing against her gun-ho heroics and telling her exactly what I think of her because she asked. Apparently she likes hearing what you don't like about her more than basic manners and politeness. Too cold, she says."
"That... makes no fucking sense," Doug said with a frown. "Did you see the way she looked at Mom and Dad? Like they were some bugs she was trying to dissect. Because they didn't seem to show the proper respect. To you." That was still the weird part. Not that Doug expected them to show their children any respect, but there was no reason for Savannah to expect it.
"Catching that kid must come with some pretty hefty perks," he finally said. "You can share them since you've already done the work and we both know that I don't do well with bodily fluids that aren't connected to sex."
"Oh God," TJ groaned. "I'm so in your camp on that one now. If I am never between a woman's legs again it will be too soon. It wasn't even any fun making innuendos. She didn't get half of them. How a woman can give birth to three kids and still be that innocent, I have no idea. It's...scary."
He ran his hand through his hair. He needed a comb, judging by the way his fingers caught. "Honestly, I didn't notice her look. I was too thrown by the fact Dad actually hugged me."
"Dad hugs you," Doug said, quietly. "When it's a near-death experience. We didn't know what was going on with you for hours. I'd rather go without any more hugs, if that's what it takes." He loved his parents, most of the times, but then something happened and he remembered why he hated them so much at the same time. Last night was one of those moments.
"As scary as it sounds, I'd rather talk about Savannah." He ran his hand over TJ's chest, the touch so light that it was barely there, but he needed to make sure that TJ was all right, even though he was sitting right here with him. "Actually I have no interest discussing a woman pushing a cantaloupe-sized head out of her pussy, because that's scary. It's not really surprising if she wasn't into jokes," he said with a shiver. "Are you all right? And I don't mean just physically. I got the report from Maura, with more details you want or care to have. I mean... everything else." A dead kid, a delivery, being stranded, Doug couldn't imagine that any of it was easy.
"I've never been conscious for the hugs, I guess." TJ sighed.
TJ put his hand over Doug's on his chest, holding it tightly as he leaned over to rest his head on Doug's shoulder. "I don't know. I'm...it's all...muddled, like the night our powers came through. I'd probably be freaking out if I didn't hurt too much to focus on any one thought. All that stuff Savannah said about knowing what I was doing? I didn't have a clue, Dougie. I was just on autopilot. Like I was trying not to worry about you and Travis by just doing things...even talking to Savannah."
Doug moved closer, as if he could protect his brother just by sitting closer to him. It wasn't a new feeling. The rooms changed, but the underlying need to make sure that TJ was safe never changed, even if it was different. "How many times have things happened when you needed help? I'm not just talking about those two nights, I'm talking in general. Do you want to know the difference with now? You needed help, you called, you waited until someone fixed your mess. This time, you did what we all do. Do you think it's any different for the rest of us? Maybe we fake it better. We've had years of experience showing nothing, no matter what the situation is. I'm not as good as they are, but I know about having your breakdowns in an empty room, when you're sure that no one, not even your wife is around, after you've dealt with whatever emergency there was at any given time."
He kissed TJ's temple. "That's what you do in an emergency. You clamp down on feelings, focus on the practicalities, and deal with things as best as you can. For years, you've waited for us to do all of that while you got high, but this time, you did it, and while that woman talks way too much and is too perky, maybe she's seen what we've never been allowed to see, because when we're around, you don't have to be strong, you know we'll do what needs to be done. God knows Mom and Dad treat you like you're still thirteen at times. Savannah doesn't, and I know you," he said, laughing. "I bet you were helping just because the idea of a twenty-something girl from some redneck state giving you order would have driven you insane."
"Certainly not when her orders are insane," TJ replied with a snort. But, he thought about what Doug was saying for a moment. Sighing, he shook his head. "I don't know if that's it. I mean, the delivery? That was all her telling me what to do, same with the climb up, just it was John and the fireman. The only thing that was really me was the argument against trying to climb out on our own...the plan to burn the car with the body in it. And that was because she was insane and wanted to hike around up there with the body in a backpack all chopped up-" TJ shuddered.
"I don't have an empty room to breakdown in," he said quietly, squeezing his brother's hand. "My room has you and Travis in it and I like it that way. I'm not strong like the rest of you. I can't...I can't do this shit without the two of you. I really don't think I can. Not and stay clean. I can't believe I burned my weed with the car to create a cover story for the body. If we'd been up there much longer..."
Gingerly, Doug put an arm around TJ, carefully not to dislodge the pillows and inadvertently hurting his twin. "So you stopped her from doing something insane, which knowing these people, sounds completely in character, and came up with an alternative, and less insane plan, while following the orders that made sense. I'm still failing to see what you did wrong, TJ, because it sounds like you did everything right. No one expects you to know everything. No one knows everything. You do the best you can with the information you have. That's exactly what you did."
"I didn't say I did anything wrong. I just...didn't do much of anything."
Doug sighed. "Stop seeing yourself through Mom and Dad's eyes, always looking for the mistakes or the weaknesses. Stop waiting for Travis or Savannah to tell you that you did a good job. Trust yourself, TJ." He grinned. "I think you did a pretty good job without us last night, because you are strong enough. You just need to believe it like I do."
He stayed close, fingers running over TJ's upper arm. "They've done a number on you, haven't they? It's even sadder that a crazy woman who barely knows us and doesn't particularly like us see it while they can't. You're not the one who needs to be protected all the time. Maybe you were when we got here, but something changed in Pittsburgh, something inside you. That promise last night isn't something you would have said before, and I believe you, TJ. For the first time in a long time, I believe that what you're saying isn't temporary, that it's not the high speaking; I believe that I have my brother with me, and I want you with me, but you don't need me as much as you think, and that's a good thing."
"I meant that promise." TJ winced as he pulled away to turn and really look at his brother. "I know I've broken nearly every promise I ever made you. And you have every reason in the world not to trust it. But, this is different.Two years ago, I really wanted to die; it seemed the best option for all involved. I didn't plan on ODing at the club, but I didn't care about living much then, either. Last night, though...
"It wasn't even the getting stranded that it hit me. It was after, when I was dangling from the side of a mountain. I really don't want to die anymore. I used to watch the news sometimes and see stories about some tragedy or another and I wished it was me, that I could just stop existing so all the crap would go away and I could be at peace. I'm not really sure when that changed, if it was in Pittsburg or after we came back here. I know it wasn't before Pittsburgh. But, last night I did the really stupid thing and looked down while I was only halfway up. And, I couldn't see the flames from the car anymore. I just remember thinking it could just as easily have been me on that warped funeral pyre, drugs included, that I could still die if something went wrong with the rig climbing out of there. And I was glad it wasn't me. I can't remember the last time I was happy about just being alive, Doug."
He leaned forward carefully to kiss his brother on the forehead. "I don't want to leave you anymore. Something like last night might be unavoidable, but I'm not trying to or wishing I could die." Settling back against the pillows again, he shook his head. "But not having a death wish any longer doesn't mean I did anything deserving of all this fanfare and praise. It's not an achievement. If it had been anyone else down there, no one would say anything because they expect most people to do those things. People are only praising me because no one really thought I could do it."
"Most people who are cops, firemen, agents would certainly be expected to do those things, but you're not any of that." Doug wasn't about to fall in the same trap that his parents had, wrapping TJ in bubble wrap and then wondering why he was so fragile. "And you're right, if it had been someone else, people would have assumed that they have found the way to help. It doesn't make it any less of an achievement for you. TJ, you weren't just an addict. You were also a spoiled brat who never had to do shit, because someone would fix the problem. Usually me," he added with a snort.
Doug covered TJ's hand with his. "It doesn't matter what anyone else would have done. It matters what you did. It matters that you aren't the same person you were. And that's exactly why I said it's sad that Savannah can see the change and not our parents. The two of them." He shook his head. "I can't believe their reaction. I can't believe that they were obvious enough that Savannah picked up on it and answered. Actually, I believe the last part. I... I don't think I ever realized how much damage they have caused until I was listening to Savannah defend you. Leaving was a good thing. You're clean, you have Travis and... I don't feel like I'm constantly babysitting the baby of the family."
He stared at TJ in silence, feeling the emotions build up inside him. He'd never said any of this to TJ, because it wouldn't have changed anything and because TJ was rarely clean enough to care, but now he could finally talk to him. "Every time you called me 'little brother', I wanted to hit something. You've used it so many times to get me to do your shit. I heard it and I knew that I'd have to be the mature one and taken care of you or some other problem you caused or you needed something, while you acted like a teenager. It's ... it feels good to have an adult for a brother."
"I never realized it bothered you so much, the 'little brother'. I just thought I used it whenever I remembered you are my little brother and I owed you more than...babysitting duty."
Sighing, TJ ran his left hand through his hair. He'd fucked up so royally before, been one of the shittiest brothers known to man, and he really couldn't see where he deserved any of this praise for finally doing what he was supposed to have done all along. But, instead of arguing the matter further, he put his left arm around Doug and pulled him into a tight hug. Or, at least, as tight a hug as he could manage with a weak shoulder and purple splotches on his chest where the seatbelt had bitten into him during the fall.
"I'm sorry, Doug. I'm so sorry. I'm trying to be better," he promised. After a moment, he pulled back. "I'll always be an addict, though. It's never going to go away. It's always going to be there waiting until I can't take it anymore. Last night...I'm pretty sure I went through half a pack or more just trying not to go for the cocaine. I'm still getting clean. I'm not really, not yet. But, I'm working on it."
Doug shook his head. "It doesn't, not always, because I do get it. I know what you mean; I know why you say it and when and for a while, those moments when you needed me seemed to be the only time we even had anything in common." He chuckled. "I'm being confusing. Fuck, our relationship is even more complicated than the ones I had with women." Then again, he never really cared about anyone as much as he cared for TJ, so it seemed appropriate
He understood the addiction as well. "You don't have to explain. We're a bunch of addicts in this family. Different addictions, same result." Strangely, TJ was the one with the best chance to stay clean. The rest of them didn't even bother acknowledging theirs, because that meant admitting weaknesses and they never did that. It might also force them to admit that they would never be truly happy, and Doug certainly couldn't say that. Instead he looked at TJ. "Have you told Travis that we're going with him?" he asked instead, because TJ was the one who could be happy and Doug wanted one person in their family to be happy.
TJ laughed. "I always thought our relationship was pretty simple. I fuck up. You get things done. And anyone fucking with one has to deal with the other. See? Not confusing."
Because it didn't matter how much of a fuck-up he was, TJ would destroy anyone who fucked with Doug.
Although, right now Doug's question was fucking with TJ.
"Why would I when it hasn't been decided, yet? I told you there was no point in making that decision until we have to. Things change too much to plan ahead like that." And planning ahead would mean having to really examine just how temporary or permanent this was with them, something TJ wasn't sure either he or Travis were in a place to really consider, yet. They were only just getting comfortable with the idea of how important they were to each other...and that was still scary with how intense TJ's feelings were for Travis. It hadn't been hard to realize he had nothing left for Sean once he figured out he was giving everything to Travis. There wasn't any room for anyone else, not like that.
The only problem TJ saw was if he had to choose between Travis and Doug. It wasn't a choice he thought he could make and survive.
"It's a one day at a time thing."
"It's, though," Doug answered, "because that's the truly not complicated thing. You should be with him, and you should go with him." He smiled. "I'll just go where you are. It's very simple and changes make no difference. I'm not leaving you, and you shouldn't leave him, because of this family. See? Even less confusing."
Doug squeezed TJ's hand. "I love you, TJ; I always have, but I really like the person you're becoming and that's... Travis is part of that. I don't think you'd go back to using if you left him, but you wouldn't be happy and I want you happy. Mom and Dad said that they'll do what we want, and I want you to go with him, okay?"
"Doug..." TJ stared at his brother, too overwhelmed to know what to say. He didn't deserve this. Leaving had been about learning to live with it when he couldn't get things his way, couldn't get what he wanted. But, the reverse kept happening. Reaching out, he cupped the back of Doug's neck with his left hand, pressing their foreheads together. "You don't...that means more than any praise from anyone, do you know that? I'm trying to be this better man that Travis sees and I know I'm supposed to be doing these things for me. But, I want to be the brother you deserve, too. Are you sure? I love you, too. I wish...that dream you want me to find? You're a part of it, Doug. I want you happy. I know you can't see it happening. But, we both know I can hold onto wishes longer than anyone else in the family."
Closing his eyes, he nodded imperceptibly, too close to TJ for any real movement. "I know I don't have to; I want to." His reasons were very different than TJ's, and were all connected to his brother, but he still wanted to go to make TJ happy. "You don't have to do anything for me. It's never been about quid pro quo. I leave that at the office... when I had one." He pulled back and cupped TJ's cheek. "I'm not unhappy." He didn't feel like crawling under a rock and waiting to do anymore; he just felt empty. Maybe it was a step forward. Maybe. "So yes, I'm sure; you don't have to give him up."
"I know I don't have to; I want to," TJ echoed with a soft smile. "I want to be someone who can take care of you the way you've taken care of me all our lives, the way you're still taking care of me right now. This...thank you for not making me choose. I don't want to give him up. I don't want to give you up, either." Squeezing Doug's neck gently, TJ dropped his hand and settled against the pillows once more. "Okay, no more emotional conversations or I'm going to start resembling Savannah with how much I want to hug you as a response. I may have reached a truce with her last night, but I don't want to be her."
TJ reached out to take Doug's hand, though. "I love you, Dougie. Always will."