John Connor (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} johnbaum) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} omega_reality, |
John wasn't usually the 'aggressive' one in their relationship. Oh, he wasn't a doormat and he was stubborn to a fault. But, he usually let Brian take the initiative. He wasn't actually sure why. It just was the pattern they'd fallen into, probably for a myriad of reasons. Now, though, he pulled Brian as close as possible and kissed him with everything he had, everything he wanted to say and didn't know how to.
When he pulled back the scant distance between his head and the wall, he was back to staring. "There is no version of my life where I'm better off without you...and I ought to know," he added with a tiny smirk, then leaned up to kiss Brian again, unable to get enough now that they'd started. "Thinking you didn't want me anymore...yeah, it hurt. But, what hurts the most is watching you in pain and not being able to do anything to help you through it. I'm not alright if you're not alright. I can't be when you mean more to me than anything. And you've been in pain. You're not broken. You don't need fixing, definitely not from someone who's just as fucked up if in different ways."
He reached up to trace Brian's jaw with his fingertips. "I'm not trying to fix you and I wouldn't make this offer just to 'fix you'. Sex doesn't fix things, not even between us. If it did, we'd have been perfect back at Christmas. Do I want to be with someone else in general? No. You're all I need. And I know what you think about my doing things just for you. But, I'm not the green kid I was two years ago. I'm not even a teenager anymore now. I know the difference between doing something I don't want just to make you happy and doing something I may or may not enjoy on it's own, but brings you pleasure. Knowing I have the ability to give you pleasure...I don't know how to explain this. It's not so much the idea of being with someone else while you watch that gets to me. It's knowing that the watching brings you pleasure, that even my being with someone else has the ability to turn you on...I don't really understand the how because watching you with anyone else wouldn't do it for me. But, the reverse...that, in a way, it's showing you what I want you to do to me...I don't want to be with someone else on a regular basis. But, tonight, I want to share this with you, I want to experience a little more of your life, your world.
"And you're not old. Maybe you're in unfamiliar territory. But, you're not old. And, you know what? It doesn't matter if you are. I'm in love with the total package and the only way it gets better for me is if we're together. I guess, if I'm trying to fix anything, it's not you, but us. I miss us."