John Connor (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} johnbaum) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} omega_reality, |
This wasn't exactly how John thought Brian would be pushing him against a wall, if it happened. But, he couldn't help the slight catch in his breath anyway because it was the first sign of real life he'd seen in Brian in far too long. "I'm not compromising what I believe in. I wouldn't make the offer if it wasn't something I was at least curious about. I just..." He swallowed and nodded because Brian figured it out before John could say it. "I thought...You pull away and turn away and...that's what it feels like."
Sighing, he reached up cup Brian's face between his hands. "I don't have a death wish. I don't. And maybe you don't want to watch me die, but you're making me watch you die, us die, little by little we're losing everything we have left of life. That's why I wanted to do this for you, give you back something. I didn't think...I should have considered it would make you feel worse, not better.
"But, my offer isn't about compromising anything. I swear to that. I thought..." He took a deep breath. "I thought you didn't want me and so, you'd have...well, this." John pointed his chin at the room behind Brian. "But, I...hoped...you'd want to do it together. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't affected by the fantasies you shared. If it was because it was you describing them or because they truly appeal, I don't know. And I won't know if I never try them and find out, something I'd only do with you...not because I'm compromising anything for you, but because if there's any part of me that's starting to open up to new ideas and experiences, it exists because of you and I want you to be the one I share any further new experiences with.
"I've practically had sex with you in front of the only people I'd call friends and family. And I've voluntarily done it again. How embarrassing could it be in front of people I don't know and whose opinions don't matter? Unless, you really don't want to...which is fine. I just...I just want to make the most of the time we have together, here, there, whatever worlds in between. I want to take the chances we have here, now. There isn't even any guarantee we'll find our way there. I'm...not so certain I want to anymore." Closing his eyes, he leaned against Brian's chest, taking the moment while he could, half-waiting to be pushed away again. "I don't know what to do anymore. I just know that I want you."