"Love myself more?" TJ's control slipped. It was still tenuous. He'd never had a great grasp on it in the first place. And once it slipped, his calm dissolved and he was left with nothing but feelings he had never been able to control. "I've never loved myself at all, you idiot. That's where all the problems come from. I've spent most of my life hating myself because I couldn't be you.
Everything inside him just hurt to realize he'd failed his brother so badly and all the talk about believing in TJ had just been one more lie in a lifetime of lies to uphold the Hammond family values. "Yes, I made the decision to change before I talked to you. But, I was still doing it for you. You didn't have to come with me for that. I planned to change, to fix myself, and come back to you, to be the brother you deserved. But, I couldn't have done it if I'd stayed here. I needed that break from everything familiar to force the change. Asking you to come with me was about what I wanted because, while I might have been doing it for you and I always planned to come back for you, selfishly, I wanted you with me. I admit that. But, it was always for you. I never had any reason to care for myself. And whether you believe me or not, that's the truth. And, you know what, I don't even care if you believe me because you were never fixing things for me. You weren't even fixing them for you. You were fixing them so I didn't embarrass the family. And if I wasn't fucking up, no one, not Mom, not Dad, not you had time to remember I was still there trailing in the wake of your grand schemes and plans for greatness.
"I tried, Doug; I tried to be there for you. I wasn't good at it, but it's really hard to be there for someone who refuses to look less than perfect, even for his own brother. It's funny. I'm the one being accused of having to have things his own way, but until we got here, all I ever heard was how I needed to try harder to conform to what everyone else wanted. If it wasn't politics, it didn't matter what I did, it wasn't good enough and was barely tolerated even if it didn't embarrass the family. Not one of you ever gave up your happiness for me, but you're not only asking me to give up mine, but to talk Travis into giving up his? To live a life you can't even call good?
"Fine. If that's what you want, when the time comes, I'll ask him about staying. But, I'm not asking him to give up his happiness for me. For you, I'll ask if he could be happy here. But, if he can't be, I'm not talking him into settling for anything less than happiness. Not even for you. And I won't ask you to do the same for him." TJ would his choice when he had to and he would choose between his brother and his lover if he had to. But, he wasn't asking either one to give up a chance at happiness for him. "You can go do nothing away from me, now. I won't keep you and torture you with my dreams anymore tonight." Turning on his heel, TJ went to get his jacket so he could go outside and have a cigarette before he lost it and said something he didn't mean that would ruin any chance they had at remaining brothers who maybe loved each other.