"He's a good guy, Doug. A very loyal friend for the few real friends any of us has. You didn't see him after Queen disappeared. Maybe he's not Einstein, but he's a good guy. If you're looking for that kind of conversation, I think your only option is your roommate." Wasn't much he could say about Queen. They'd only met once before the man disappeared and he only had Tommy's word to go on here about what Queen was really like.
"I told you why," he replied, more patiently than he felt. But, he knew an emotional argument wasn't going to fix things when Doug seemed to hate him for feeling. "I miss you. I wanted to spend time with you."
Despite his resolve to stay calm, TJ still flinched visibly at the verbal slap in the face over his suicide attempt. He knew he'd been stupid. Just like he knew that desire was still part of him in some ways. He'd joked about it, daring Travis to try shooting him when they first met, after all. But, after Doug had said he couldn't handle a third time, TJ had resolved to bury that as deeply as he could. The thought of causing his brother the kind of pain he'd felt all his life was almost crippling. "For a smart person, you can be an incredible idiot sometimes. I've never worried about repercussions in my life. Isn't that why you've always had to yell and lecture me about how I party and who I fuck? I'm not worrying about repercussions. I'm worrying about you because I know from years of experience how it feels to not have anything to live for, to just be marking the days.
"I told you before we left for Pittsburgh that I wanted to change, to be a better brother, because I love you and you've always been there for me. I want to be the kind of brother who could help you because you are someone I'm living for, Dougie. I couldn't help you until I at least started to fix myself, though. I know I've made it all about me a lot in the past, more than I wanted to these last three months. But, it takes time to change that much. I'm trying. But, I'm going to still make mistakes. It doesn't mean I don't love you or that I don't care about what you feel or what you're going through, what you want. It just means I haven't learned how to express it the right way, yet. But, I'm still trying because you're worth it."