Re: At Home
What did he expect? If the fates were kind, possibly that the world would explode and they'd never have to worry about any of this. Travis wasn't that much of an optimist. "I'm not planning for you to leave, but I'm ... considering the possibility that you might feel different, and I'm not blaming you for that. At all. You didn't know what we were getting into moving here. It's not something you've done before, but I have and I knew the risks."
He had no idea how to answer the rest. In fact, he didn't want to answer, but he wanted to run away, push TJ physically and emotionally. Travis was a pro at hurting people so that they'd never talk to him. "I'm not good for you, TJ. I- This, this cover, this blend of me and the boyfriend, that's fine and great, but the real me? The real me is going to hurt you, and that's the last thing I want to do. I don't want to be Sean. I don't want to hurt you, because of my fears and my problems. You don't deserve that."
He pressed his forehead against TJ's. So close that the warmth coming off from TJ should have been enough to stave off the coldness he was suddenly feeling. "I don't think, babe; I know I'm falling, and that scares me more than anything. I'm not able to give you what you need. I know myself. I know how much I hurt people who get too close." He raised his head and looked at Tj with a frown on his face. "How do you stop this? How do you stop caring? How is that done, TJ? Because I have no idea. Do you think that not fucking is going to fix things? I don't. Today certainly wasn't about sex. It was about you, about your birthday, about your brother. It came back to you. I... if you think that it's how we fix things, I'm willing to give it a try, but I can't see it, TJ."
He traced TJ's cheekbone. "I look at you, and I think how gorgeous you look, how confident and sexy you look in your suit. These aren't thoughts I have about men. It confuses me, I try not to think about it, but it's there, and then we talk and joke and it goes away, because it's so natural for us, and the closer we get the more scared I am that I will hurt you. It's not that I'm not willing to take that chance, but that I'm afraid of what it'll do to you."