"I'll have to keep it in mind for later, then." TJ smiled and kissed the top of Travis' head, a gesture of affection that felt oddly pleasant. "Everything about my life has been about appearances."
He wasn't thinking of appearances the more Travis spoke, however. At first, he wondered how Travis didn't hate him for all the perceived opportunities TJ must have seemed to squander, things like college and connections, parents who were there but not really there. But, the more Travis talked, the more pain TJ could hear in his voice, the quieter TJ became. It was too familiar a pain to ignore, despite how different the details might have been. When Travis stopped speaking, TJ became aware that at some point during that monologue he'd stopped massaging Travis' neck and scalp. Now he was just holding Travis, arms wrapped around the other man as if that all too simple gesture might actually have the power to do something about the clearly audible pain.
"It's not my fault you feel so damn good even while having a serious conversation," he replied with a chuckle. Teasing was easier to manage while he sought the words for the rest. And 'hedonist' was by far the least offensive thing he'd ever been called.
"Your eyes tell me that maybe we're not as different as we think we are," he said at last. Possibly, they were two very fucked up sides of the same twisted coin.
And that made it difficult to know what to say. He wasn't used to being on the receiving end of such conversation. But, he didn't want to say nothing and let Travis mistakenly believe he didn't care. Mostly, he wished he was better at this, capable of finding something comforting to say. Running his hands up and down Travis' arm, he pressed his lips into Travis' hair and swallowed a defeated sigh. "I'm sorry. I didn't get it before. I'm not sure I totally understand now, but I know a little better. We've both had reason to believe no one wants us, or that those who say they do don't mean it. I shouldn't have implied that you don't understand or that it wasn't as bad for you as for me in the past. I'm sorry."
TJ couldn't remember the last time he'd apologized this much in a week, let alone a night. A part of him felt like he needed to add even one more apology on to the list, too, because of the conflicting emotions the rest of what Travis had said created. He knew it was utterly wrong to welcome the idea Travis could act jealously, especially after the jealous boyfriend cover had turned TJ off so thoroughly. But, he couldn't help the warm thrill at Travis' words, or the stab of disappointment when Travis denied that jealousy all together.
Nor should he want that claim Travis couldn't stake.
"Maybe...maybe we should do like you suggested before and cut this cover short. Move to somewhere new, make up a new cover that doesn't put you in this position, something where we're not pretending to be lovers and you don't have to worry about me or my feelings and reactions to the cover as much." It wasn't something TJ really wanted to do. But, if it made things easier for Travis, he'd do it.