"It's okay, TJ. I wasn't under the impression that you were the easy going guy," he answered with a chuckle. "I just told you that it's probably what made me want to stick around, so you're good there, and I know a lifetime of habits doesn't change overnight. We'll manage with time."
He could almost hear the smile in TJ's voice and tightened his hold for a moment. "I know what it means to feel like you aren't loved, that no one wants you. I know how you felt, TJ. I'm sorry he made you feel like that, but I swear, I wasn't judging you for your feelings. You can't control those."
Travis looked at the hand, but was the offer that made him hesitate for just a moment, before he took TJ's hand and got under the covers again, waiting for TJ to get in as well. It was becoming almost natural to stretch an arm to let TJ settle against him, or spoon behind him in an unconscious protective stance, or to roll toward TJ and put an arm around him. So close in so little time, but it was the cover. Except when it wasn't. Still Travis knew that he had his own walls that never went down, not during assignments, not with friends or family. They had been build during his teenage years and very few even glimpsed at them, let alone see flashes from behind the wall. TJ had already seen too much, but it was the only way they seemed to relate
"I spent a lot of time in my head while growing up. I don't know if that made me smart or it's because I was smart. IQ tests say I'm almost a genius. Never felt like one, though. I didn't even go to college, no money for that, but while I was young, I spent time studying the tests I was given, the psychologists, their questions. I always passed with flying colors: most balanced, happiest child, no adjustment problems. I memorized what drawings were supposed to make you happy, which answers showed a well adjusted kid. I was a psychologist's wet dream." He snorted. "They had no idea what was inside my head. I never told them that I used to get on the roof in the middle of the night to wait for Superman to bring me home. I never spoke about the fact that I was too black to be Hispanic, too white to be black, too everything to be white. That I hated people saying 'oh look what wonderful blue eyes he has', like that was what made me better, easier to be placed. He's black, who cares what he thinks, but look at his eyes, they are the perfect shade of blue." He started to laugh. "We had this case. Our suspect was this biker, part of an Aryan supremacy group. We question him alone and he turns out that he's gay and he still hates me, because I'm black, but hey, my eyes make him attracted to me. God, I was thrown back to when I was a kid and I wanted to beat the crap out of him." He looked t TJ. "You're not alone, TJ. So many people feel out of place and alone. Some just hide it better. This might sound harsh, but you've had a chance to act out, because you do have a place. As fucked up as it is as they are, you have your parents, Doug, your grandmother. Some of us didn't even have that safety net. Acting up meant being sent to juvi, or a worse family or the streets. You can blame them for anything they've done wrong, but remember that in a way, you're luckier than a lot of people. You still have them and they still love you. Maybe that's going to help you come to terms with your past."