Travis shook his head, slowly, still mindfull of the migraine. "No, there was this image of you and Doug and a check with lots of zero. That's what I was referring to. And yes, I am paranoid, because I have gone to bed hungry because there was no money. I don't think words can ever show you what that means. I know that if we were to run tonight with nothing but a car, the next place we get to, we won't even have an apartment, because we'd have to worry about new documents, more ammo. We'd have nothing, TJ. Can you even imagine life with no money at all? Going to a shelter maybe or stealing food just to make it one more day. I told you what we have, how much money we're earning. Use your common sense. I'm not going to budget you. I'm not your parents or your accounted. You know what we have, what we'll need, you figure out what you want to spend on a sofa, or if it's even that important. It's not picking the right piece, but making those decisions that's important."
He sighed. "I know how easy it can be. Just one hit and you can't feel the pain. One more line and life isn't as grimm, but it never lasts, does it? You two need other ways of dealing. Not the alcohol, not the drugs. I don't even know how you do that. I became a cop to avoid jail and the I was too stubborn to let undercoer work suck me down. I've seen too many people throw their lives away. I think consequences make you grow up, whether you like it or not, and your parents always made sure that there were none, but there are plenty now. Not training means being dependent. Spending money means possible going without later. I don't think there's one moment when you can say 'now I get it, I'm cured, I'm better'. I think that it's just everyday life until in a few weeks, or months you wake up and you do get it." He kissed TJ's forehead. "Doug loves you, and maybe you're right, and if you are, this is for the best, because that life would have destroyed him in the end. He would force himself to be your parents and then he'd explode from the inside out."
Traivs chuckled. "That's because i don't have problems. I don't have parents. I don't have siblings. I don't have a family. I don't have girlfriends or boyfriends. I don't even have an ex that meant something. I've always made sure not to have anything serious. The closest thing I have to a relationship is Wes, and we solved whatever problems we had with work, therapy and a few fist fights. Life is a lot easier when you only have to worry about yourself."
He cupped TJ's chin and tilted his head so they could look at each other. "You care and caring hurts. You need to learn to compartimentalized. You lock it in one place in the back of your mind until it's just a vague memory. It's not something that touches you now. It can't hurt you anymore, because you're not that person anymore. You learn to dismiss the rejections." Not something that Travis was very good at. It was why he ended up with so many women. It wasn't that he wanted to fuck them, but that he couldn't accept that they said no. "Everyone finds coping mechanisms. You found mechanisms that hurt you; that's the real problem." He stared at the ceiling for a moment, going back to his own past. "You know fighting is another coping mechanism. You learn to absorb the pain, to keep going despite everything, to take out your frustration on a punching bag. Instead of drugs or feelings, you work out until every muscle is sore, and then you can put on that mask that says that nothing is wrong."