"Now you're just exaggerating. I admit we want things that we can no longer afford, we suggest things out of habit because two months is not long enough to get used to not having the things we've had all our lives. But, we do not ask for tens of thousands of dollars. You, however, are extremely paranoid about every last penny. I suggest going out one night at some point in the unnamed future and you look for unnecessary compromises because we can't afford it right now, at the very moment I suggest it. Maybe if you eased up a little and actually let us live this life, we'd all get on much easier. It's why I keep asking you to just give me concrete boundaries, a budget, a way of learning the limitations. I haven't gone and dropped a couple grand on a sofa, yet, have I? You gave me a set limit and I'll find a way of making it work within that limit...although not on that site you sent me." TJ shuddered at the thought. "We'd have to pay double in cleaning and pest control fees than whatever we spent on the sofa before I'd even dare bring one of those in the apartment."
And there Travis went seeing TJ's life in an entirely different way than what TJ remembered. Frowning in confusion, he stared at Travis for a moment. "This is why I say I can't see the man you think I am. You think I've been fighting that environment and the reality I know is that all I've done is find ways to survive it without going totally insane, found ways to hide, numb all these emotions that just make me weak there, anything to dull the constant pain of living. I pretty much have sold my soul for whatever fleeting peace I could find. Doug deals with it better than I do, he always has. But, he's still got a conscious that's rare in our world. He tries to pretend he doesn't, that he can be as ruthless as Mom or Dad. But, I don't think he has it in him. He'd have cut me out of his life and stopped helping me long ago if he did." TJ sighed and closed his eyes. "He deserves better than I've ever been able to give him."
Opening his eyes again, he smacked Travis lightly in the shoulder. "And why do we always end up talking about my life and problems? I hate sharing. It should be your turn soon."
The light-hearted moment passed as he thought about his parents. As Travis held him tighter, he turned on his side and curled in toward that comfort and support that was still very strange, yet also strangely welcome. "Wish it was that easy, just don't think about it. I've never been good at turning the inner playback off. It's why I always hear my parents, Sean, the headmasters who kicked me out of school, all the criticism in the press...it's all on repeat in my head constantly." Except when he was high. Or playing piano. Or fucking. God, he was so screwed up and he couldn't really see how to fix himself. "And I didn't say I can't or won't learn to fight. I don't want to be the helpless idiot who can't do anything for himself. But, that doesn't mean my preference wouldn't be to talk my way out of things if I could. If I'm good at anything, it's words, not fisticuffs. I get that I have to do the training to get what I want. I just don't like it and that part of this world sucks, that the only way to not be dependent on others is to learn to fight.
"Self preservation," he countered with regards to Sean. "I'm finally starting to come to terms with how much I let what he said at the end fuck me over. I don't know that seeing him wouldn't just send me over the edge right now." It was hard enough to let himself open up to Travis like this. But, he did it in some faint hope he'd find himself in the insanity. If he had to see Sean while he was so open and vulnerable...? TJ honestly didn't know if he could bear having to be near the man who'd said he loved him while secretly despising what they did together.