Bear (flintly) wrote in olympianthreads, @ 2015-02-21 20:10:00 |
|
|||
Bear had spent most nights at the Smithy the last week or so. Since the night he’d gone to Niko’s - taken care of his busted lip and totally avoided the conversations that even he was realizing, now, that they were going to have to have. It was too damn complicated, and Bear didn’t know how to do that, and it felt real and Bear didn’t know how to do that either. He’d spent the days frustrated, and then when he’d get home everything he’d have done a few months ago to get that frustration out seemed… empty. Especially when all he wanted to do was show up at Niko’s door again. So he’d gotten a lot of extra hours in at the Forge. It didn’t matter what had him riled up, usually, there wasn’t anything that the strange zen of working the forge wouldn’t help calm. Except, apparently, Niko. Because no matter how much he sweat and worked and hammered and burned he couldn’t seem to stop thinking about going back. --- Painting. Painting had been Nikolai’s outlet, colors splashed on the canvas with more force than necessary, amounting to pictures that looked like he felt: angry, worried, upset, a knotted up mess, in all honesty. They kept getting worse, messy and disorganized. And he kept throwing them out the moment he was done. That sort of reminder didn’t sit well with him. Drew was right and that was hell of it. A man who, Nikolai knew for a fact, had been as disastrously unsuccessful in love as he himself was had given him solid advice. Something inside him knew, had known, that this wasn’t actually a choice though, that his heart or subconscious or whatever had grown too attached to Bear for him to even contemplate trying anything with Asher, handsome and clever though the spirit teacher was. Admitting that hadn’t made it any easier. He had wanted to tell Bear last week, lip bleeding and sore, how he felt, but something stopped him again and again. That need and worry sat in his stomach, reminding him that this wasn’t going to go away. That he didn’t actually want it to go away. So tonight Alexandra was with Matvei, happy for uncle time, and Nikolai couldn’t keep himself away. It was his turn to show up unannounced and uninvited, Nikolai mused as he pushed at the door tentatively, both relieved and nervous when it moved under his touch. That was it then. “Bear?” he asked before catching sight of the other man, thinking that this might be awkward if it turned out that Bear wasn’t there and it was Danny instead. --- He hadn’t been telling Danny about the long hours he’d been clocking, so it was a good thing that he was alone in the smithy. He didn’t ever expect anyone to interrupt his work - it was after curfew, and students didn’t hang around here after dark even before it. It was the one place he knew he’d be alone with his thoughts. Which was maybe the problem, because all of his thoughts were on Niko. On taking him to bed. On touching him. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second to pull in his focus, on what he was doing, and then he curled over the table where he was working, dragging a mark through the edge of a blade he’d been working on. The dagger matched the one he had made for Niko, but the etching design was of flames. This one was his. He was focused enough on the work, on getting it right that he didn’t hear the door opening, or Niko coming in behind him. --- Nikolai knew better than to sneak up on someone working in a forge just like he knew better than to surprise someone throwing fire around on the practice field. A simple matter of self-preservation, really. But he stood there, watching Bear with nothing short of fascination playing across his features, not even bothering to fight or deny the wave of incredible fondness that rolled over him. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Bear like this and that produced a profound gratitude within him, one that he was slowly becoming familiar with the more time he spent around the other man. It wasn’t clear from his vantage point what exactly Bear was working on but there was an intense concentration there that spoke to Nikolai, enthralled him. “Bear,” he tried again, this time louder, as he leaned against the door, arms crossed and trying to look casual. But it could only be wasted effort, showing up at someone’s place of employ in the middle of the night with no warning was about as far from casual as you could get. --- Bear blinked at the blade, and he wondered for a second if he was hearing things. If he had been thinking about Niko so much that he’d conjured him up in a fantasy somehow - which might mean he was passed out on a face full of hot coal, so he didn’t much like that idea. He turned to look over his shoulder, and when it was actually Niko there Bear wasn’t sure what it was he felt. Relief that Niko had sought him out this time, and a strange sort of need that just looking at him seemed to drag up. Both of those were a little terrifying. “Hey,” he said after a second, sitting the blade and his tools down and turning more to face him. “Come for a lesson?” --- “A lesson?” Nikolai echoed with amusement, taking a few steps closer and stuffing his hands in his pockets even as his eyes watched Bear’s hands, wishing for a brief moment those hands were on his hip or at the back of his neck. He shook away the thought, smirking slightly. “Oh yes, I would love to make a fool of myself in front of you. That would be my ideal evening.” And that raised an obvious question, didn’t it? Just what was he doing here? Why had he come? They needed to discuss this. Them. That flash of doubt blazed through his mind again: was there even a “them” to discuss? What if it was just Niko grappling with these impossible and ill-advised feelings alone? It wasn’t like he could just come out of the blue, no segue, no preface, and spill everything to Bear. The fear, the worry, the need, the affection, and worst of all, that startling jealousy. How badly he wanted Bear to be his, actually and only his. Getting from here to there, unraveling that tight knot of emotions in his chest seemed impossible from where he was standing. In lieu of an ugly and messy confession so early on in the game, Nikolai chose the simpler option. “How are you?” It wasn’t a space filler; it wasn’t that usual bland conversational touchstone that required a ‘Good, and you?’ Instead, concern lodged in his words. He actually cared about the answer and he cursed himself for making that so obvious. --- “Make a fool of yourself? There’s fire involved. You can’t be totally helpless.” There was something about the way that Niko looked when he stepped more into the light of the work area that made Bear think this wasn’t a visit for fun. Something that felt tense, felt worried, and he didn’t know what to make of that - Except he didn’t think it was the usual way these things tended to end with him. If he was getting written off, he’d figure that Niko would do it via text message because, honestly, when they were together alone they weren’t getting out of the room without fucking. So something else, then, and he figured that Niko would get to it if he wanted to. “Tired,” Bear admitted to the question, shrugging it off with a smile, though. He liked Niko in his space, he decided, though usually if it wasn’t Danny he’d just rather work alone. “How about you? Insomnia? Taking to wandering around the island in the middle of the night?” Which was an overstatement, since it was just past curfew, but he figured it could be forgiven. --- Closing the space between them, regardless of whether Bear wanted him closer or not, Nikolai peered up at him with narrowed eyes like he was qualified to judge anyone’s health. “Are you?” he murmured, reaching up and pressing a palm to Bear’s cheek, thumb swiping gently over the skin under his eyes contemplatively. Realizing suddenly that this might be some breach of conduct, breaking some unspoken set of rules, his hand jerked away and he stuffed both into his pockets. Chuckling softly, he shook his head. His shoulders slouched slightly, his proximity to Bear more relieving than he wanted to admit. “No insomnia. I…” Niko looked mildly sheepish and avoided Bear’s eyes. “I wanted to see you.” He felt silly, like some childish teenager, stating that so plainly. Feelings weren’t something he knew how to deal with honestly: ignoring them, pushing them down, that worked much better. Somewhere along the way though, it became clear that he couldn’t do that with Bear anymore. That he didn’t want to. One hand left his pocket to run through his hair, a nervous almost agitated motion. --- Bear watched Niko fidget, get flustered, pull his hand away so fast that touching him might have burned - and somehow Niko seemed shy. It wasn’t at all the Niko he knew, and it was a little… well, off. But endearing, too, like there was something in it that Bear wanted to protect. “Well, here I am.” He said, as if it was casual, as if Niko showed up to the forge every night just wanting to see him. But he sat down at the edge of the sturdy table, too, and he caught that hand that Niko was nervously running through his hair and pulled the shorter man into the vee of his open legs, too. “What’s up?” His fingers took up Niko’s trapped hand’s mission through his hair, the touch almost aggressive. It had been days since he’d really had a chance to touch him. Bear didn’t want to think about when days had become too long. --- Niko beset by emotions was an odd, uncomfortable creature, so far out of his element that he felt distinctly lost. It was, he knew, a good thing that so few people ever saw him this way. Until coming to the island, most people thought of him as more automaton than human, human in only small ways, like his need for food and water, but automaton in the ways that mattered, a blank cold impersonation of a man. For his family, and now for Bear, he found himself different. “Here you are,” he agreed, hands coming to rest on Bear’s thighs when he was pulled close, squeezing gently, affectionately. His head tilted back into the touch to his hair, the ever predictable sigh leaving his mouth. “I…” Nikolai started and realized immediately that he shouldn’t have, since his brain utterly failed in providing actual words for his mouth. There was so much to say. It had been building up behind some dam in his mind, but nothing came through when he tried to speak. This moment could destroy him. Maybe an exaggeration, but when navigating through feelings it seemed all too true. “I thought we could talk.” And that sounded all kinds of idiotic to him. I thought we could talk. At least it was true, he consoled himself. In opposition to his words, he leaned forward to press a kiss to his chin, lopsided smile appearing on his face. --- Thought we could talk. Bear winced at that, because he’d heard it before - even though it hadn’t ever actually mattered. “Careful, usually ‘we’ve got to talk’ is followed up by ‘you’re a great fuck but I don’t think we should do this anymore.’” Usually because whoever it was had found someone they actually wanted to be around outside the bedroom. And Bear had never cared. But if that was what this was… The sick feeling in the pit of his stomach told him that he’d care a hell of a lot more, this time. His fingers curled almost too rough in Niko’s hair and he tugged his head back, exposed his neck so his mouth could land there and suck his mark onto the skin. He wasn’t above playing dirty. --- Nikolai winced too the moment he heard Bear’s interpretation of his words. Or one possible interpretation of them anyway. Of course it sounded like a ‘let them down easy’ talk. It had been so long that Nikolai didn’t really recall what those sounded like. In fact, he hadn’t actually heard one before, now that he thought about it. His life hadn’t really had the place for them. All his casual sex partners had known from the jump that they were one night stands at best. Still, Niko couldn’t help but wonder how many times Bear had heard some version of that talk, brow creasing. “Bear-” he started but found himself distracted by the rough yank to his hair and the lips to his throat, a long sigh leaving his mouth. His eyes slipped closed and his fingers squeezed at Bear’s thighs again. It was tempting, almost too tempting, to just let it go. But he couldn’t. He’d made it this far. He had to say something. Nevermind that he couldn’t let Bear think that he was just a great fuck and nothing else to him. His tone was more vehement, more earnest, than he intended when he spoke again. “That’s not it.” It’s so much worse, really, his brain supplied. Fucking was one thing, fucking with feelings? There were so many new and awful ways that he could fail Bear. “I don’t know… I don’t know that I could stop this even if I wanted to.” That was a start. If nothing else, it hinted at the way Bear had insinuated himself not only into Nikolai’s bed but also his mind. --- “Niko - “ Bear said it as something of a warning when he felt like Niko was going to pull away from his mouth. Instead, he stayed where he was, but what he said… Bear wasn’t sure he knew what to do with how much those echoed how he felt. He couldn’t stop if he wanted to, either. It already was everything he could do to control himself enough to stay away for days. Staying away entirely? He’d have to leave the fucking island. “Good.” He said against Niko’s throat, and then he sucked harder there and could almost feel the bruise spreading out under his mouth. Leaving his mark where people would see it. “Then whatever you want to talk about can wait until after you’ve sucked me off. I’ve been thinking about you showing up here for weeks.” And that fantasy was so much easier than the other - where Niko didn’t get tired of him. Where he understood what it was he wanted. ---- Sex or a serious talk about what the hell was going on between them? Nikolai couldn’t deny that the former sounded much more appealing than the latter. Even more than that, he had wanted to do this for days. Weeks, maybe more. Ever since that night in Utah when he had kneeled between Bear’s legs. It was honestly almost a bit unsettling just how much he wanted to do that again, to drop to his knees and feel the weight of his cock on his tongue, to taste him and make him moan. But would he be able to keep his wits well enough afterward to bring this up again? It seemed unlikely, if he were being honest with himself. “Fuck- Bear- you’re making this really hard,” he complained, long-suffering expression overtaking his face, but he quickly amended his sentence. “Difficult. You’re making this difficult.” What if though, what if this was his last chance? What if after Nikolai admitted to his confusing feelings, Bear put an end to their arrangement, such as it was? If so… no, Niko really couldn’t let this opportunity go. Neither could he agree to it so quickly. Instead, he waited for Bear’s response. --- “Yeah, well, you showing up makes me hard, so fair’s fair.” Bear smirked against Niko’s throat, but then he pulled away a little, enough to look him in the eyes. He sighed then, it was obvious that Niko was fighting with wanting to do exactly what he’d told him to, and wanting to actually talk about something. Talking seemed so fucking dangerous, and usually Bear wasn’t one to back away from dangerous situations - usually he ran straight for them - but this? Whatever it was, it was going to be something he didn’t know what to do with. “Okay,” He said after a second, letting his fingers fall away from Niko’s hair, letting Niko go. “Talk.” But before Niko could start he added, “Then you suck me off.” --- Nikolai blinked at Bear for a moment, surprised and almost confused when he so easily agreed to talking and put off sex until later. That probably meant something. His stomach lurched, an almost pleasant sensation, anticipatory and excited. That settled that then; he couldn’t very well give him a blow job first now. He’d managed to talk himself into a corner, so how much worse could he do? A deep inhalation steadied him before he started speaking. “I want you. All of you. Above me, underneath me, in my studio, waking up next to me, any way I can have you.” Where before there were no words, now he could hardly rein them in. Nikolai shook his head, embarrassed and sure that it was the exact wrong way to go about expressing himself and what he needed to say. “Fuck, this-” His hand reached up, finding its place against Bear’s cheek again, stroking the skin there gently with his thumb as he tried to figure out what it was he wanted to say. “I want to be yours. I don’t want to sleep with anyone but you. I know- I know that I sound- I know this is a bad idea. It’s the worst idea I’ve ever had and it’s all I’ve been able to think about for days.” His voice grew quiet and his hand stilled. He didn’t know if he even should be saying any more but the words wouldn’t stay put, escaped without his permission. “The thought of you with anyone else- fuck, I hate it. It makes me angry and sick and I-” He shook his head and exhaled loudly, eyes closing, before he backed away. Well. That was exactly the worst mess of English he’d ever blurted out before. There was, he thought drily, a reason he didn’t do this. “Shit, nevermind me. I shouldn’t have come.” --- Bear was in something like shellshock, he thought, only barely able to get the gist of the word vomit that Niko had managed to have all over him by the time that Niko was backing away. “Stop!” He said, when Niko was a few steps back, and he pushed himself up from the table and stood, facing him, not quite sure what he wanted to say. There was something in his chest that felt like an iron band, holding him back, clenching closed around him. He thought he might suffocate choking on the words he knew he should say. Because he should tell Niko that he was shit at anything like this. That he was right and it was a bad idea, a terrible idea, that they should both just walk away now before it hurt. Except that it would already hurt. “You think its a bad idea?” He said, and there was too much caution in his voice. It was so damn obvious that that wasn’t what he wanted to say. “You think I’m the worst idea you’ve ever had?” Fuck, and he was probably right. --- “What?” Nikolai asked, incredulous, eyebrows knitting together. Somehow Bear had taken away the absolute worst part of his horribly disjointed rambling. “Shit, no, you’re-” He swallowed thickly and pressed the heel of his hand to his face, shaking his head helplessly. How the hell did he end up here? Weren’t adults supposed to have better communication skills than this? “That’s not it. That’s not it at all. I’m- I’m a disaster of a person or haven’t you figured that out?” Taking another deep breath, he carefully avoided Bear’s face, running his fingers through his hair, more agitated than before. “I think it’s like I told Drew. I don’t deserve someone like you.” That admission, coming from his own mouth, hit him hard and practically knocked the wind out of him. He genuinely wanted nothing more in this moment than to forget he’d even brought all of this up. That sick feeling in his stomach told him that he was ruining everything right now. Like he usually did, of course. And yet. And yet he continued. “I’m a fucking terrible person and you don’t even know the half of it.” Why? He berated himself even as he kept right on talking, why was this relevant? He should have left already and abandoned this as the horrible idea it so clearly was. “I’ve killed people and I don’t feel bad about it. Not at all. I’m selfish and foolish and I want you so badly it hurts.” His mouth went dry suddenly and he finally dared to look up at Bear, despite the fact that he knew he must look horrible, so unlike his usual self after all of this confessional bullshit. --- Bear should have something better to say but what he said was “Thank fuck,” low enough that maybe he was the only person who heard it, because then Niko started rambling again and it was all he could do not to step into him. Grab him. Make him shut the fuck up because who cared, if what he was admitting was the same strange need that Bear had been feeling since Utah. Since before Utah, if he was being honest. “Niko - “ He said, and then Niko kept going on and Bear felt something else, an irrational sort of anger. He took a deep breath, though, forced himself to count and wait and it was probably good that this was happening here because any other place than the smithy and he’d be even more prone to action than he was here. “Niko,” He said, and this time Niko was looking up, meeting his eyes again, and Bear let out the breath he’d been unconsciously holding, and cleared his throat. “Don’t ever - ever - talk about yourself like that again.” He tried to infuse his voice with everything dominant that he had in him, willed it to sound like he wasn’t losing himself in this. Like he didn’t feel like he was falling, spiraling, and not sure where he was landing. “I won’t let anyone talk about what’s mine that way.” --- Nikolai could count the number of times he’d been truly and honestly speechless on one hand. Sure, there were plenty of times when he simply didn’t speak, preferring to keep his opinions and beliefs to himself, but now. Right now, he wasn’t sure he could speak if he tried. His mouth gaped as he stared up at Bear, expression just short of stunned. His heart was in his throat like it had decided to take up residence there in Bear’s presence and he wasn’t entirely convinced that he was breathing anymore. It’s all true, he wanted to plead, to impress upon Bear the truth of his statements, but couldn’t. Instead, his mind continued to replay that simple phrase in his head over and over: what’s mine. Despite his worry, that made his breath catch and filled him with an oddly cozy warmth. He wasn’t, of course, the type to stay speechless, however. Or obey without at least a small show of resistance. “Didn’t you hear what I said?” he asked, one corner of his mouth pulling up in a weak half-smile, one that tried to be self-deprecating without great success. In fact, it was hardly a twitch, his brow still wrinkled like he might be in pain. His hands itched to be against Bear’s skin again and he crossed them over his chest to keep them still. When he spoke again, it was quiet. “I come with a daughter. I’m stupid and stubborn and I’m afraid-” That he might hurt them. Everyone he cares about. But instead of completing the thought, he left it there, didn’t finish it because, in all honesty, trying to articulate everything that went into that fear was pointless. He simply was afraid. --- Bear wanted to tell him that he didn’t give a shit about the baggage. His daughter was pretty damn cool, honestly, and Bear didn’t want to go into the baggage he’d bring into something like this. Into this relationship – because that’s what Niko wanted, right? A relationship. And maybe for the first time Bear wanted that too – in the base of his spine where he absolutely couldn’t escape what he wanted, where he wanted Niko to actually be his. “I haven’t wanted to be with anyone else since Utah,” he heard himself saying, not even aware he was going to admit it. “I can’t stop thinking about you. Can’t stop wanting you. And I’ve tried, because fuck if I know how to do this right, either. But – “ Bear felt his heart hammering in his chest, in his fucking throat, and he shook his head. “It’s no use, Niko. You’re under my fucking skin.” He moved, then, crossed the few feet of space between them and caught Niko with one hand curling around the back of his neck. “I want you to be mine too. You are mine. “ Even if he knew that sounded ridiculous, and he’d only ever laid claim to someone in bed when it was so very temporary, but this wasn’t at all and he didn’t know what the fuck to do with it. --- Yeah, his heart definitely lived in his throat at this point. There was so much more he wanted to say, so many things he felt obligated to warn Bear about. Nikolai didn’t think he was exaggerating when he called himself a disaster. With Bear looking at him like that though, he couldn’t convince himself to voice another warning. “Fuck-” The expletive was more of a chuckle than an actual word and his hands went immediately to Bear’s hips with a tight grasp, like he had to actually hold onto Bear to ensure that this was really happening. “Me either. I’ve been so messed up about you. You’re all I want,” he admitted with another chuckle, this one harsh and nearly derisive. “I mean, I’ve been sleeping in your shirt every goddamn night for fuck’s sake. But-” He hesitated and turned his head, leaning in, to kiss the underside of Bear’s jaw. “I want to go to sleep next to you and wake up next to you and some-” Shaking his head, he looked mildly embarrassed, knowing that he was bordering on sentimentality that he’d tried to shelve for so long. He started fresh instead, clearing his throat. “I am. I am yours,” he affirmed, quietly, his lips moving against Bear’s jaw before he dropped his forehead to rest on his chest. Nikolai had known that simple but life-altering fact, somewhere in the back of his mind for awhile, but only now had the courage to admit it. A real smile threatened. He couldn’t quite believe that this was happening. That the jumble of nonsense he’d spewed between them had actually resolved itself. That Bear didn’t push him away. Suddenly he felt special and exceptional and awed knowing that of all the people here, Bear would choose him. Would want him. --- Bear didn’t know how any of those things would work. Waking up, sharing … fuck, sharing their lives. But for the first time, the idea of it didn’t make him want to run the other way. He closed his eyes, pressed his forehead to Niko’s, tried to breathe through the fact that this was everything he’d been trying to avoid thinking that he wanted. But fuck he wanted it. Wanted Niko to be his. When Niko dropped his head to his chest, all Bear knew was that having him there Bear felt stronger, more powerful, more protective than he’d ever felt in his fucking life. “We’ll figure it out,” he said, and he tried to sound a hell of lot more confident than he knew he was. --- “Yeah. Yeah,” Nikolai agreed, nodding his head minutely against the other man, still fighting off that smile. It was amazing, the way the possibilities opened up before Niko’s eyes the moment his brain realized that this was something he could have. He knew that he should talk this out, should ask pointed questions, and find out what this meant to both of them, but for now he was content to simply lean into Bear’s space. He opened his mouth, thinking he might invite Bear over, but what came out of his mouth wasn’t anything like an invitation. “I’m not easy.” Chuckling at himself, he turned his head slightly so his cheek came to rest on Bear’s chest, eyes closed and smile playing across his lips. “Okay, well, I might be easy - you’ll have to tell me – but I know I’m difficult,” he murmured like he was hedging his bets, waiting for one of the two of them to change their minds. --- “You’re kidding right? I grew up in the Chicago foster system. You’re a fucking piece of cake.” Bear laughed, but it was a softer sound than it might have been. He couldn’t get past the sense of right that was settled into his bones. Niko belonged right the fuck where he was, and Bear was going to make sure he remembered that. Except he didn’t know how to do that. And he thought, even if he didn’t want to, that Niko had a right to know that too. “I’m shit at relationships.” He said, then cleared his throat. “You have to tell me when I suck at this, okay? I mean, we know that we’re both pretty fucking spectacular when we’re fucking. But the rest of it, I’m terrible at.” --- His hands drifted from Bear’s hips to loop around him, clasping behind his back, and a fondness crept into his smile, hidden from sight though it was. Nikolai didn’t warm to many people: he had difficulties believing they were worth the time and, more importantly, worth the trust. So he found he didn’t care much about most people’s life stories or psyches. Bear was a special case though. That much should have been obvious from the moment Niko couldn’t stop asking him for the stories behind his scars. He wanted, with a strange suddenness, to settle against him and listen to whatever meandering stories about his life Nikolai could pull from him. That was jarring enough to make him speak. On a completely different topic, of course. “You make me sound like I’m some kind of harmless kitten by comparison…” he complained, nose wrinkling in a way that didn’t exactly defy the characterization. But he grew quiet, contemplating Bear’s words, wondering what exactly constituted being shit at relationships. Nikolai had managed a successful one for two years and then exploded it with one choice, one single sentence. That sounded terrible to him. “I can do that.” He wasn’t about to argue, to tell Bear that he was probably better than he thought, because who was Niko to make that sort of assumption? Empty words at best. “Don’t let me get away with stupid shit. You’re not the only one who’s bad at this. I’m a selfish asshole-” Just ask my exes floated through his mind before he continued. “And you should call me out on it.” --- “Call you on your shit. Check.” Bear chuckled, and he dipped his head to press it to the top of Niko’s, then he set him away very carefully, just enough to look into his eyes. He wanted to say so much, but he didn’t have the words for it. Thought he might launch into some story about growing up that no one wanted to hear. Particularly not someone who thought he was worth something. “My sister said it wasn’t so hard being cared for, when I talked to her about you.” He said instead, and then he could have kicked himself for admitting that he’d talked to Justine about it at all. Then again, he’d already admitted he couldn’t stop thinking about Niko - what more was there in admitting he’d said something to the only person he had to talk about this shit with. That didn’t mean he wanted to dwell on it. “I bet we can both get used to it.” Because he cared, more than he thought he was actually capable of, and that scared the shit out of him. “And didn’t you have a blowjob you were supposed to be giving right about now?” --- The entire motion, Bear tilting his head down to rest it against Niko’s before pulling away to look at him, left Niko oddly breathless. He chewed at his bottom lip as if to compensate for that, to help settle himself in the face of all that sudden affection he felt, allowed himself to feel, for the other man. “Fuck- I’m just- really fucking lucky,” he breathed, repeating himself from weeks ago and more than a little amazed. If there was anyone who could not want this, not want Bear, he couldn’t quite figure out how. Stumbling into this looked like an incredible stroke of luck from his vantage point now. And Bear had spoken about him to Justine? That filled his chest with an unexpected warmth. Like he was something worth talking about with loved ones. For a moment, Nikolai wished his talking (ranting really) about Bear hadn’t been drunken rambling at Drew. That was a story probably worth sharing - in detail - with Bear at some point. But that wasn’t really relevant at the moment and his tongue was already well on its way to making a fool of him again. “It’s… I don’t think it’s so hard. Caring…” He swallowed thickly and could swear his cheeks were turning red as he completed the thought. “Caring about you is… natural. I don’t understand it but I think… being cared for can be the same way.” It should be easier, right? “I thought I remembered something about that…” Nikolai mused, happy for the distraction from his annoyingly heartfelt and troublingly disjointed thoughts, lips quirking up into a smile, and he left them behind for a moment. There was more to say, he was sure of it, but dropping to his knees in front of Bear seemed like the better option for now. The rest could wait. Could wait until Niko had figured out what he wanted to say and how to say it. Maybe he could stop hurling incomplete sentences everywhere. “But I feel like blow jobs in the forge are probably frowned upon.” --- “Probably,” Bear said, and his chest felt like that iron band was back, like there was too much pressure there holding him. Being cared for. Caring for someone. It felt so full of potential and there was too much he didn’t know how to feel, really. Except Niko had all but admitted he cared for him already and Bear couldn’t swallow past the sudden lump that was lodged in his throat. He reached for Niko, slid his fingers into that familiar hair like they were meant to be there, and suddenly no matter how many fantasies he’d had about it, it didn’t seem right to push Niko to his knees in the middle of the smithy. “How about I lock up and we head to my place instead.” Where he could take his time. --- His hand went to the fingers in his hair, stroking Bear’s skin lightly as he leaned into it, still unable to stop responding to that touch. Residual excitement lingered in his system, no longer that anxiety from earlier, something simpler and more comfortable. Something that he knew what to do with. “I wouldn’t be opposed to a little rule-breaking,” Nikolai confessed with a shrug, genuinely open to almost anywhere Bear would let him do this, and reached out to hook a finger in his waistband. Leaning in closer, he first licked a stripe up the side of Bear’s neck before tugging at his ear and nuzzling against the hinge of his jaw. The index finger trapped between Bear and his waistband moved slowly against his skin, an idle motion, almost indulgent the way Niko quietly reveled in the sensation. Finally, with his lips to Bear’s ear, he murmured, almost conspiratorially, voice low, “I don’t really care where we are, I just want to be on my knees in front of you, hands on your hips, your cock in my mouth. Can we make that happen?” --- “Fuck - “ Bear growled the word, and without even thinking about it his hand went to the leather apron he was wearing, pulling the tie so that it fell to the ground and he could reach for his zipper. “Here I was trying to be a fucking gentleman. That might be the last time that happens. Get on your knees.” But there was something still a little touched, off kilter, under the words. They didn’t have the command he’d usually order someone to their knees with. His free hand came back to the back of Niko’s neck and he thought about shoving him down, but instead he dragged him in to catch his mouth. --- Nikolai’s laugh in response to Bear’s words rung loud and clear between them, a lopsided smile gracing his lips as he allowed himself to be pulled in for a kiss. Both his arms looped around Bear’s waist as he tilted his head up and leaned into the motion with a small sigh. He nipped gently at his bottom lip, before running his tongue over it apologetically, then sighed again kissing the corner of his mouth. His arms tightened around Bear, an almost possessive air about it, and Niko leaned back to look up at the other man. “Gentleman? Sounds like I wasted my opportunity. But…” He adopted a sly expression, tilting his head to one side, one eyebrow lifted in question. “You can’t honestly tell me that you don’t want me to blow you here.” One hand disentangled itself from Bear and made a vague gesture to their surroundings. --- “Fuck no I can’t tell you that,” Bear didn’t have to look around, didn’t have to imagine anything except what he’d been imagining for weeks - which was Niko on his knees in just about any place he went on any given day. But Bear spent most of his time here, so he’d thought a lot about Niko here. On his knees, or bent over the table were Bear worked every day. For now his hand just found Niko’s shoulder, pressed him down. “You missed your chance to get anywhere private. I’m so fucking hard.” --- His shrug in reply was decidedly careless, like Nikolai might not actually want to be anywhere private for this. Some odd mixture of fear and excitement and pride washed through him because he suddenly found that he almost wanted everyone to know about them. Wanted everyone to realize what he suddenly had the right to call Bear his. It was overwhelming and he couldn’t decide if he was more frightened or excited by the thought. There was no question though: Nikolai wanted to be on his knees. But he still resisted the pressure on his shoulder, giving at least a token attempt at his usual defiance. His hand moved between them, popping open the button of Bear’s jeans, and he leaned in to kiss his neck slowly, almost thoughtfully. “Mm, and you want me to take care of that?” --- “Want?” Bear snorted a laugh that sounded more like a growl, and his fingers dug in rougher to Niko’s shoulder. “We’re going to have to work on a few things, you know. Like, when I order you to get on your knees, that’s where I fucking want you.” There wasn’t any bite to his voice, though, not with Niko’s mouth trailing over the skin of his neck. Instead, his head dropped back, and his free hand closed around Niko’s on his zipper, moving Niko’s fingers to tug it down. “Fuck, Niko. You know how often I’ve thought about fucking you here?” Not just because he thought about fucking him everywhere. There was more to it than that. The smithy, the forge, they were his places, maybe even more than his house was, and a part of Bear that hadn’t existed a few months ago wanted to claim Niko in every place that was his. --- “I know where you want me. That’s fairly fucking obvious,” Nikolai grumbled, a light teasing amusement to his words, and allowed Bear’s hand to guide his into pulling the zipper down. His fingers hooked in the waistband, an experimental tug to gauge how much force it might take to pull them off completely. “Just takes some work to get me there.” The smirk on his face might have implied something like ’And you love it’, if someone were capable of reading his many and subtly varied smirks. Next he hummed softly, a sort of noncommittal noise, as his hands traveled up under Bear’s shirt and left his jeans alone. “Maybe as often as I’ve thought about it,” he murmured after some consideration and then dragged his tongue over the skin of Bear’s throat. Somehow this place had become comparable to his own painting studio: there was meaning invested here. And Nikolai wanted to be a part of that. He wanted to have access to that part of Bear. Scratch that, he wanted to be given access to that part of Bear. It looked like he would get that wish. --- “See where your smart mouth will get you now that you belong to me,” Bear grumbled, pushing toward Niko’s hands and then hissing in a frustrated breath when Niko’s hands teased up under his shirt instead. He wanted to harness himself, sound strong, but there was something so damned pleased with the word belong that it wasn’t rough in his voice yet. Instead that hiss turned into a grown when Niko dragged his tongue against his throat again, and Bear’s head fell back. “Every fucking day? Because it’s been every goddamned day, Niko. You’re under my fucking skin.” In a way that no one had ever been. --- “Probably right where I want to be,” Nikolai half-chuckled, pulling his hands out from under Bear’s shirt to drag his thumb over his bottom lip instead, lingering at the corner of his mouth. And he did completely believe that. Teasing tended to land him in situations that he didn’t mind at all, at least with Bear. “All the fucking time.” His thumb finally drifted away from Bear’s lips, down to swipe over his chin. Niko leaned in, not leaving himself the time to be embarrassed before he pressed his face against the crook of his neck, inhaling deeply. “Fuck. Fuck. I missed you.” Even now, even after his jumbled confession, even after Bear was so clearly not averse to it, saying that left his stomach in knots. He wasn’t used to missing people, not like this, not so desperately, and even the tone of his voice said as much. For a long moment he allowed himself to stay like that. Then his hands were moving again, lifting Bear’s shirt so he could find a scar to dust a kiss over. --- Bear was hard, hungry, and still when Niko buried his face against his throat to so obviously breathe him in all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around him. He did, hand catching at the back of his neck again, the other coming around to hold him against him by the shoulder, and he’d have stood there like that as long as Niko needed because he felt that same longing in his very fucking bones. He’d missed him. Every fucking day knowing that he could see him, but stopping himself from doing it, holding himself back, it was harder than it should have been and it had taken everything he had not to break again and go to his door. He’d done it once. He couldn’t be weak enough to be the one who kept going - and so Niko was here, and Bear groaned a little without meaning to when he realized just how important that was. That they could both be a little weak - that it wouldn’t hurt them. When Niko pushed his shirt up the second time, Bear closed his eyes, stroked his fingers through Niko’s hair, and then after a minute he pulled him away. “No,” he said, and then before he could explain he dragged him in to kiss him. It wasn’t until they were both breathless that he said, “I changed my mind. We’re finding a fucking bed.” --- “Oh? If we’re finding a bed, then plans have changed.” The arch of his eyebrow took on an almost mischievous quality as he leaned his head back just enough to get a good look at Bear. Nikolai remained quiet while he moved down again and returned to the enjoyable task of finding another scar to kiss and another and another before kissing his navel almost thoughtfully. When he finally looked up, the tilt of his lips matched the curve of his eyebrow in terms of mischief. “And I plan...” He interrupted himself to get a taste of Bear’s skin. “To ride you until you scream.” It wasn’t anything he’d planned on saying or doing tonight. Not that he hadn’t thought about it before, though. A lot. But Niko decided that felt right. So he didn’t take it back, didn’t try to change or correct course. Instead, he straightened his back again, still having to crane his neck slightly to get a good look at Bear, and tried to gauge where the other man was on this, his own fingers closing hard over Bear’s hips. --- Bear thought he might trade vital organs at this point for a bed to materialize in the fucking forge, because right now he couldn’t think of anything else he’d ever wanted than for Niko to do just that. For Niko to do whatever the fuck he wanted, really, and Bear even realized how dangerous it was to already be willing to give those types of choices up, that type of control, but fuck if he could make himself do anything about it. Or want to. His fingers curled harder in Niko’s hair and pulled his head back until he could dip his mouth and cover Niko’s adam’s apple with his - slid his teeth against the sensitive skin there. “You better hope I still have the patience for that when we get back to my place.” --- “Fuck-” Niko hissed, grip tightening against Bear’s hips, nails digging into his skin, leaving mild crescent moons in their wake. “Fuck, god, I want you- you’d better have the goddamn patience, because I’ve made up my mind.” Even if it mean pushing Bear down onto the floor right here, he intended to make good on his threat. That sounded better than it should have, uncomfortable though the floor was. And it was a sign of how much he wanted this that he even entertained the idea of trying that. It was more appealing than he could admit. Maybe he’d have to add that to his ever growing list of things to do with Bear. His hands pushed at the other man experimentally, like testing whether this was a possibility or not. But no. Bear wanted a bed and Niko would happily make that happen. “Let’s go. Now.” The words might have been a command but Nikolai’s voice made them sound more like a plea. --- Bear wanted a bed, and if he was examining that thought it was because this felt different, better, since they’d both admitted it was more than fucking. Since Niko was his. And he wanted to take his time with that - savor it - but Niko was pushing at his limits already and it was going to be hard enough to keep it together long enough to get to his place. Bear groaned, but even with Niko ready to go he couldn’t give up his throat, couldn’t give up touching him yet. Instead, his teeth slid harder against his throat, sucked hard enough there to leave a bruise forming. His. Everything in his body felt it. Wanted it. And he groaned and pulled away from Niko like he was burned because if he kept at this he was going to fuck him right here on his table. “Now,” he agreed, grabbing his coat, putting distance between himself and Niko because if not they’d never make it out the door. --- “Oh-” The noise leaving his throat when Bear’s teeth moved against his skin was appreciative, maybe even needy. “People are going to see that.” He didn’t honestly know if what he said was true, but there was a part of himself that thought it would be okay if he couldn’t actually hide it. Because this was real now. It meant something. More importantly, they were both allowing it to mean something. Nikolai didn’t argue when he pulled away, even if there was a huff of disappointment, and his fingers reached up to his throat, stroking the bruise he knew was there lightly, lips quirking into a half-smile. He recognized that they needed at least some space between them if they were ever going to get out of here, so while his eyes followed Bear, he moved farther away, putting his hand on the door. “I’ll be outside,” he offered, quiet, thinking this was really the best course of action, to put an entire door or wall between them. For now. --- People will see. And Bear’s first reaction was good, was let them. He knew he wouldn’t want to hide any of this. But he had the good sense not to say it while he was pulling his coat on, while he was shutting down the fires of the forge as quickly as humanly possible. Even so, everything in him said mine and ever possessive bone in his body wanted to keep marking Niko so that he couldn’t possibly cover them all. It was five minutes later when he joined Niko outside. Long enough that he could breathe, but he was still half hard and when he met Niko outside he couldn’t help but want to touch him. In public, his brain supplied, but he couldn’t make that matter. He at least stopped himself from kissing him. He did sling an arm around Niko’s shoulders, though, pulled him in close to his side for the short walk to his place. Anyone seeing them, they wouldn’t make much of it. Two maybe drunk friends helping each other home. But there was a part of him that wanted to correct that, that wanted it fucking obvious. He let go of Niko to open his door, and as soon as he’d pushed him inside and had the door closed again, he reached for him and dragged him in to kiss him again. Didn’t let go of him until he needed breath. “Now what was that you had planned?” ---- It was all Niko could do on the walk to Bear’s place to keep his arm around Bear’s waist companionable, friendly, even if it was just on this side of too tight. Like he wouldn’t be willing to let go. Like he might try to turn Bear to face him for a kiss. But he thought himself the very picture of self-restraint, his head only coming to rest on Bear’s shoulder every so often, because he wasn’t quite willing to clamp down on every impulse all the time. Once they made it inside, Nikolai’s grip only tightened and he moved to cradle Bear’s cheek in his palm, for once not afraid to be as genuine and caring as he’d like, leaning into the kiss with a sight, eyes closed even as they pulled apart until Bear spoke up. “I think…” he answered slowly, giving the impression that he might be choosing his words carefully. Or trying to jog his own memory. “I think we’re going into your bedroom.” His hands pushed at the coat around Bear’s shoulders, more deliberate than he anticipated, since he was still short on breath. “First though… first I think you need to lose the clothes.” He finished pulling off Bear’s jacket before moving to unbutton his pants, shooting him an almost smugly satisfied smirk. --- He wanted to drag up something dominant, something controlling and familiar. But Niko touched his face so damn soft, like he really felt all of the things that Bear had been circling around and forbidding - had been trying to ignore. Bear didn’t know what to fucking do with that, really, but he knew that he liked it. At least the smirk brought him back to himself. That almost smug, almost hungry look that he’d already come to associate with Niko at the edge. His cock jerked against his zipper, hard again, and he answered it with a smirk of his own and leaned back against the door. “I still think you have the wrong idea about who’s going to be in control here,” Bear answered, even if he started shedding his clothes slowly, making a show of shrugging out of them, of pulling his shirt up and off of his body, letting his jacket and then his shirt drop by the closed door. |