Lucy was a wreck by the time she found her way down to the brig. The giant guard had come by, telling her that J had been arrested, and asked to see her, but he didn’t answer any of her questions, refused to help, and just told her where to go before leaving. He was clearly unhappy, but she was grateful to him for at least delivering the message. She’d asked another guard who waved to the only occupied cell and she almost fell apart at the sight of J there. “Oh my god,” she said, gripping the bars from her side. “What happened?”
Judson wasn’t sure if Blake would deliver his message, wasn’t sure if Lucy would even come if Blake did deliver the message. All he could do was wait. He was sprawled on his cot, one foot hanging off and swinging as he stared up at the ceiling when he heard Lucy’s voice. Instantly he sat up and ran a finger through his messy hair.
“Hey…” he gave a smile. He was happy she was here but also a feeling of dread filled his stomach; he had to tell her what happened and who he really was.
“Well...I’m glad you came,” he murmured, moving towards the bars so he could be closer to her. “But you aren’t going to like my story. I’m not who you think I am. I am not J Howell.”
She heard him, but only half. What she really saw was the bruises, and her hands were reaching for him. “You’re hurt. Oh my god, what happened to you?” She shook her head then blinked at him. “What do you mean you’re not J?” That was confusing. Still, he was hurt. That was a big deal. “You are who I think you are. But tell me why you’re in here.”
Judson reached through the bars as Lucy reached for him, his hands taking hers. “I’m fine,” he lied. He hurt. He hurt good, but he figured he was due it. “My name is Judson Gray,” he started to explain. “I am...was…” he frowned and gave a small shake of his head. “I was with the pirates when they attacked, I was...one of them,” he said quickly. “I’m here because another member on board recognized me.”
Lucy gripped his fingers, holding on to him. “You don’t look fine,” she said. He looked hurt. “You need a doctor. I should call someone.” She leaned back to do that then what he said had her looking back. “What you were...what?” The pirates, the ones who attacked. No, there was no way. Not at all.
Judson didn’t try to argue anymore on whether he was fine or not. He was still breathing, even if his ribs hurt when he did so. He would be fine, he thought, his body would just take some time to heal. “The doc will come see me soon,” he tried to assure her, though he wasn’t sure. In fact, if the doc knew he had been with the pirates he may not want to help him at all. “I was with the pirates,” he said again, looking away. “I was with them when they attacked the ship, I didn’t hurt anyone though, I tried to stay away, to hide…” he trailed off. “The man who recognized me, he was a prisoner on the pirate ship I had been one of the ones to guard him…”
She didn’t let go of his hand, but she was chewing on her lower lip, trying to figure out what he was saying. “They hurt...they had someone prisoner,” she said, voice soft. “You were...why were you with them?” Maybe he was prisoner too. Maybe… She had a list of maybes but she wasn’t sure if any of them were real or not.
Judson was surprised she hadn’t let go, hadn’t pushed away from him. She should. She needed to. Judson knew he wasn’t good for Lucy and not only that he’d be gone soon enough; he was sure they would hand him over to authorities somewhere.
“They had someone prisoner, he lives on this ship now. I...joined them after my father died of the plague.” That was the jist of it, but there was more to it then that. There was a lot more to it than that.
She looked down at their hands together. “But you live on the ship now. And you didn’t hurt anyone. And you were alone,” she shook her head. “I don’t understand. I’m confused.”
“It doesn’t matter, Lucy,” he finally pulled his hands free of hers. He hated to do it, but if he didn’t start to put distance between the two of them now it would just be much worse later. “I have lied about who I am, I stole some guys identity that probably died in the pirate attacks, they think I killed him..” he paused for a moment. “I’ve never been a good man, Lucy. I’ve done bad things throughout my life, I’ve lied to you… They aren’t going to let me stay on this ship, I just...I wanted to tell you sorry, for everything.”
“And you’re…” She bit her lip. “You lied to me,” she breathed. “About what parts? All of it?” Because that hurt. “Why? Why would you?” She didn’t move though, didn’t let go of her hold on the bars. She didn’t want to believe it. She didn’t want it to be true. “You are good. I know you are. I can...you have to be.”
Judson didn’t know why this hurt more than it should. He had never really been an emotional type of man, never cared much for other people's feelings. He just did his own thing and moved on. Never get attached. But it seemed as if he had. He cared.
“I lied about who I was,” he answered. He knew he should say he lied about everything, his feelings, what they had done together, everything, but he couldn’t do it. “I’ve been a criminal since the moment I could walk,” he met her eyes. “I had to be. Survival. I…” he ran a hand through his hair and then stepped forward again. “I lied because it’s what I had to do. I stole because it is what I had to do.”
“Did you lie about...us?” Lucy wasn’t sure her heart could take that but she had to know. She couldn’t just leave the idea dangling in the air there. That he’d had to do wrong things, that made sense, but at the same time. “People do things like that to survive. It’s not..it’s not your fault it was your only choice.”
Judson let out a small breath of air through his nose and he gave the smallest shake of his head. “No,” he said quietly. “I think, with you, I was the most honest I’ve ever been my entire life.” He gave a small smile and then turned towards his bunk, thinking of going to it and instead he turned back around and stepped toward the bars, wrapping his hands around hers that held onto them. “There were a lot of things I had a choice in,” her looked her in the eyes. “I could have freed the prisoner instead of keeping him captive, I could have fessed up to who I was right after the pirate attack and asked for leniency, explain why I was with them and how I got sucked into being with them, but...I didn’t, and now I have to pay the price.”
At least there was that. “Then you didn’t lie to me,” she said softly. “Not about what mattered.” Because that was much easier to convince herself up than the part where she fell in bed with someone who was a complete jerk. She held onto his hand and squeezed them tight. “What if I do something? I can tell them. You didn’t hurt me!”
Judson let a small, half smile touch his lips and he reached out with one hand to cup her cheek. “I don’t think you can do anything,” he answered. “I don’t think there is anything anyone can do. No one but you will listen to my story, especially not that Bear guy who I’m sure would have me walk the plank if he could,” he gave a half chuckle to his joke. “I almost had it made, though. Almost had the good life.”
She tilted her head into his hand, holding his hand there with hers. “I’ll talk to someone. To anyone. I’ll get you out of here.” What he said, it made her smile go watery, and she leaned more into his touch. “You have it. I promise. I’ll make sure it happens.”
“Don’t get your hopes up, Lucy,” Judson sighed. He definitely wasn’t. Things do not go well for people like him. “I want you to know...I didn’t actively join the pirates. I was searching for my brothers and sisters and these people were looking for help to keep a ship running, I didn’t think of pirates. Who thinks of pirates these days? When I realized what they were it was too late, it was either join or die and so I...blended in. I did things, bad things, and when I had the opportunity to free myself, I did. I didn’t kill Jason Howell. I swear it, Lucy.”
“We’ll find someone. Someone will help.” Lucy knew there had to be. Wasn’t that guy, the one who was part of all the activism on the boat? Couldn’t they ask him to help. “Of course you didn’t. I would know if you did.” She had to. She knew him didn’t she? It might sound insane, but she was sure of it.
Judson started to feel his eyes start to water, at least his good eye anyway. He quickly looked away so she wouldn’t see and blinked. He tried to remember the last time anyone cared this much about him, who wouldn’t give up, and he really just couldn’t place a time. He and his siblings had been there for each other somewhat, but they’d all known it was fight for yourself in order to survive. He took in a breath and lifted his head to look at her. “Thank you,” he murmured. “For believing in me. For wanting to help.”
She reached through the bars to run her fingers over his cheek. “We’ll make this work. We’ll find a way. We deserve to be happy.” And she hoped he believed that.
Judson leaned into the touch, reaching up with one hand to grasp her hand so he could press her full palm against his cheek. Would this be the last time he would feel her? “Okay,” was all he could say. He did not have the hope that she had, but he wished it. He prayed for it. “If you are going to find someone to help, you might do it quickly. I’m sure they want me gone as soon as possible. Just...be careful,” he said and then took her hand to press a kiss to her palm. “If anything happened to you because of me….”
“Nothing’s going to happen. To either one of us. I promise. I’ll make this work.” She smiled at the way he kissed her, the way he was so gentle with her. How could anyone think that he would hurt someone else?
“You give me hope,” he smiled and let go of her hand. “Go. I need to rest. Maybe the doc will come see me soon.” He just needed to lay down, rest his ribs.