Padraig Warrington (grayareas) wrote in novsilajournals, @ 2015-05-02 23:27:00 |
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Entry tags: | indira choudry, kade meadows, meaghan mccormack, padraig warrington, roger davies, ryan mclaggen |
[Private]
It's not a coincidence that I scheduled a meeting for Monday back at home. This time of year I always feel like I have to go make that visit. Just to make sure that he's still rotting away where I put him eight years ago. For my own sanity. I just have these recurring dreams that somehow he gets paroled and comes after me. Now it just seems worse because it's not just about me any more. I have a family to protect. I mean, I've always had a family to protect but now...it just seems...bigger somehow. I still hate him with every fiber of my being. Which is why I have to go. Because I know what he's capable of. So for another year, I remind myself that we are brother by blood only, and that in some odd way, I'm grateful that despite everything I've been through, it was probably the best thing to happen to me when my father disowned me.
There are moments where I'm deeply amazed how far I've come in eight years. Only a few minor relapses. The most recent one notwithstanding I'm pretty proud of the fact that I only wake up with nightmares from what I saw, what I had to do, every now and then. That I was able to go back to being an Auror after only a year of leave to deal with being in and out of the hospital for my hand and on suci get my health back in order for the most part. Still can't feel a bloody thing with my left hand. But. It could be worse. If having to drag my own brother to prison, loss of feeling in my left hand, and nightmares of what I had to see and do...I think I got off easy sometimes. I think. I'm honestly afraid to ask. Because I know what I put people through in that year, and there's a part of me that will never forgive myself for it. Which is why I'm damned determined that Izzy never know about how bad things got for me. I'm not a hero. I just did my job. And I have to believe that the price I had to pay was worth it.
Today just seems weird to me. Kind of melancholy in it's own way. But I'm glad to be back in England right now. Makes life a little easier in the long run. Or so I'm hoping.
[/Private]
Walking in the rain on my way back home. Yeah, it's official, I'm back in England.
It's not so bad, it's a nice sort of drizzle, almost relaxing. Kind of puts a damper on taking kiddo to the park, but, we'll make due.
I decided that with all the office renovations going on, we had time to update the locker rooms too. So, players, I can't wait for you to see what's going on. They even seem to be optimistic to get that lingering cat smell out of the carpet from when all of those buggers got trapped in there last year...