Roderick Macmillan is definitely judging you (devioussmile) wrote in novsila_rpg, @ 2015-10-14 18:59:00 |
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Entry tags: | clover quiggley, roderick macmillan |
Who: Rod and Clo
What: Working things out.
When: BACKDATED to Oct. 1
Where: Rod’s place
Status | Rating: Complete | High-ish for swearing
In her world, it had been months since she’d last seen Rod. And for her it really put things into perspective a little bit, at least with everything that had been going on between them. For her, it made things easier between them putting a little distance between the arguing and the bickering about things that they both should have been long past fighting about. She knew it didn’t work the other way, that he had seen her not that long before he arrived. And he hadn’t gotten that break, and that it had lead to them getting far more intimate with each other than they had ever before. There was no denying it, it was more than a bit awkward especially at first. But if it was one thing Clover did well, it was try and ease the situation as much as possible if she was in the mood for it. And this time she really was. She watched her mouth around Rod, and kept her opinions about his ex to herself, and really, had just tried not to think about it at all. He was going to have a hard enough time with Blaine and he didn’t need her shit on top of it. She didn’t want to add to it. She wasn’t going to add to it. Clover was just a little hell bent on trying to be the friend that she was supposed to be to him. That she was in those two hours that they could go without getting into a fight. And over time, it started to get better. So much so that she thought maybe this was going to be a good turning point and that it would stick this time. She was capable of behaving, didn’t make her any less honest than she was, she just had to actively work on her filter at times. And that was okay.
So, she had brought over fixings to make dinner, just in need of a low key night away from the house. She didn’t feel like going out for several beverages, or really being around a ton of people tonight. Sometimes she’d just had her fill of crowded places and she just needed something a little quieter to regain her sanity. Just one of those nights where she’d rather stay in, but didn’t really want to stay home either, feeling a little lonely, but not quite lonely either. It was weird, this in between feeling she was having right now, but the point was she just wasn’t at home sitting on her bed in her sweats reading on her balcony. She’d stopped by the market and picked up probably enough to feed an army, but that’s just the way Clover cooked. Big meals so that she could feed any friends or family that happened to be around. And all else failed, leftovers were perfect for when she came home and didn’t feel like cooking. “Oh, and I got you some beer too. I think that’s the kind you like.” she said as she started to unpack everything and pointed to a reusable bag sitting on the counter behind her next to the fridge. “Should still be cold.” she shrugged a little as she finished unloading the steaks, veggies, and fixings that she had brought over.
*****
“Now there is a woman that knows the way to my heart,” Rod laughed as he grabbed a beer and sat in the chair by the table. It was weird seeing Clover like this. She was… trying. He was trying for her, too. Maybe it was easier when they seemed to have exactly what the other had hoped for. Clover wanted Mari gone, out of the picture. The entire time he was with the girl, too. Rod? Well, he easily could have been convinced killing Marcus was better for the world some days and would have done it no problem. And neither issue existed on the island. It was a true break from it all. Even more, he had Blaine. He had Blaine for more than a few days every so often and it had been wonderful. Waking up and taking him on play dates. The boy was so happy here, and he was even more excited to his old man’s best mate. Blaine loved Clover. He always had liked her, and it only grew since getting to the island. He had been so excited that she was coming over for dinner that he promised to take a nap before dinner so they could all go to the yard later. While refreshing, it was still awkward. A lot more so than he was letting on. He saw his amazing best mate standing there, cooking, and it was fine. It was no different than if Roger decided to be a small, domestic woman who liked to cook for people (and admittedly grew a bit more in the back side and chest area. Poor Roger had no curves to brag about). But then there were times where he could remember everything about that night. The passion, the way they could not stop any of the times. The fact that he wanted to talk about what happened, but there was no point. She hadn’t been there. She didn’t know her side of the story, just like he still didn’t. And so the words when unspoken, and he just continued to chew his lips.
“Hey,” he said, tossing a crumpled paper at the back of her head. “Bringing Blaine to the wedding reception. He needs a date,” he added with a smirk. He knew she couldn’t say no to his son. Blaine was fucking cute. Big blue eyes, hair a bit curly and the same colour as Ernie’s. And the fact that he could trust someone with his son, someone he could trust more than Blaine’s bitch mother, was beautiful. “You should go with him.”
***
Clover had just put the marinade over the steaks to let them set a bit when she felt the paper connect with the back of her head. She washed and dried her hands quickly and picked up the paper ball from the floor and started tossing it slightly in the air and catching it as she listened to him tell her that she should bring his son to the wedding. It was a cute idea, and he was right, she couldn’t say no to the kid. For those of her friends who had kids, it was painfully obvious that beneath her shell, Clover had a very soft spot for kids. She loved them, being around them was easy for her and they always left her smiling when she left. Even if it had been a trying day. Maybe it had something to do with her just basically raising her sister, and she was just used to it. Or maybe it was because she just really liked being around kids. Living vicariously through her friends because right now, she wasn’t sure that she ever really wanted any of her own. Partly out of fear, but partly because it was also a been there done that sort of thing for her right now. She didn’t want to rule it out, but at the same time, she just thought it was unlikely to happen anyway, and was okay with that, and just spent more time with her friends’ kids. Be that really great Aunt. Finally, she tossed the paper at his head before shaking hers a little. “You know I can’t say no to him.” she said with a smile as she turned to started to peel and cut potatoes up quickly so she could get them going into the water. “I’d love to take him.” and it was clear that she did mean it. Who didn’t love Rod’s little bugger?
There was a part of her in the back of her mind that also couldn’t believe that the first time she’d been asked out on a legitimate date in over four years was by a four-year-old. Granted, she’d brought most of that on herself. At first she’d just needed to be single for a while, heal over the whole Marcus thing, focus on her. And that was okay. And then it just became a habit. She didn’t want to let herself get close to people like that. And she’d found it comfortable being just one of the guys, and became content in that. It wasn’t like she hadn’t had crushes in that time frame either, because she had. But she couldn’t let herself really go through with it. And if she did try a little bit, something always happened where it became painfully clear that he wasn’t interested, or she just convinced herself again that, no, this was just a bad idea and backed off quickly; which was the more likely of the two. “Don’t think I could have gotten a better offer.” she said as she cocked the lid on the pot of potatoes now being left to boil and then turned to face him. The smile was still on her face, not really realizing what she had said, but she had meant it. She loved Blaine, and Rod trusted her around him. That alone meant a shit ton to her. And it also meant that she could spend more time with Rod, while she harassed Roger and the Cadawaller boys once she was sure that the little boy was having fun playing with the other kids that were going to be there.
****
It was going so well. It was amazing how easy they could get along. He watched her with a half smirk and sipped his beer. He knew the answer before she said it, which was not the problem. Hell, he had been expecting the paper to get thrown back faster. It wasn’t the way she had said that, yes, she would take his son to the wedding, or the fact that she would love to. He knew that was all true. It was the comment after that made his mind finally snap. He was used to how that felt. Like glass shattering in the back of his brain. Like someone threw a rock through a window that was somehow holding back this side of his thoughts. Couldn’t do better. Bloody fucking rot, that was, and she knew it. Or she should know it. Some days, he really wished he wasn’t so bloody protective of his friends, especially Clover. But right now, it was more about the comment than anything. This was not a Marcus-born thing solely and he knew it. She told him a lot. What she didn’t say told him even more, too. This wasn’t some old, pity me issue, this was something still recent. Not Javi, because it was a comment about a date. He let it simmer for a moment. Contemplated it more for the fact that his son was asleep upstairs and not for her. Or for the fact that she had a knife in her hands.
But finally, he put the beer down and got up. He was light-footed when he wanted to be. But not right now. She had to know that he heard her and that it would make him snap. Those comments always did. So he walked up behind her and leaned on the counter with a serious look in his eyes. “Why would you say something like that, hm?” he asked in a low rumble. He was not cornering her by any means, but he had one hand on the countertop and his body was angled slightly in front of her. Rod dipped his head down to look her in the eyes, and so he didn’t have to talk loudly. Just enough to get the point across. “Got that bullshit still ticking in that head of yours, even here? Who ever made you think that is fucking full of rotting dragon shit.” His eyes were dark with rage he was holding back, and it showed in his face, the way he sneered, and how he spoke through his teeth. Clo was beyond precious to him. He would kill for her. Anyone who made her not feel worthwhile.
*****
When he got up and moved she really started to realize what she had said. One of her biggest flaws in her book was that she had little to no filter. It came from having been told so many lies growing up by her parents. Everything would be fine. Daddy would be living home again soon. They would be happier when the baby came. Mommy is just going out for a few hours with a friend from work. Dad wasn’t going to move far from home, they’d see him often enough. The list went on in her head. Which, sort of brought up the answer to Rod’s question about who had made her think that way. Her parents telling her what they wanted her to hear not what she needed to hear. Her mother, while not neglectful, didn’t really bother to take the time to be...a mother. Clover had to grow up so fast that she had gotten it in her head that maybe she just wasn’t worth it. Focus on the positives instead. How much her little sister needed her, how much she loved flying, how her friends made her feel worthwhile. Truth be told, Clover actually thought she pulled off confidence and self assured rather well. And she usually did. There had been set backs with Marcus, yes. He’d dropped her like a dirty knut when daddy wouldn't put up with him dating someone with inferior blood, on top of all the other shit. She was better off on her own anyway. It just hurt too much to let people in. Including her mother who she’d tried so hard to get onto good terms with but...there was always something stopping Clover from being able to forgive her.
Clover looked up at Rod, her own mismatched eyes looking dead straight into his. She always hated her eyes, and she tended to charm them so they were both brown most days. But around Rod, Lucas, and Roger, she rarely did. And right now they were soft to his stormy, but none the less still intense. “Because I adore your kid and it would be nice to be around that for a while.” she said her features softened as she brought her one hand up to his cheek and looked at him for a moment before speaking. That hand that could easily have smacked him, but instead just gave a gentle touch to try and calm him. Carefully choosing her words instead of flying off the handle like her instincts were telling her to do right now. The instinct to take care of him instead of focusing on her kicking in. “I’m okay, Rod, really.” she tried to assure him as she dropped her hand and turned her head away. “Same shit another day.” She shrugged her smaller shoulders a bit. “I’m comfortable in my choices.” she said trying to be comforting and not trying to stir things up more. She knew that he wouldn’t have let her get away with her saying she was fine. But she really wondered how much this would really help or not.
*****
Rod was not one to take a comment at face value with most people, Clover specially. Often times, there was a lot more to her comments than a lot of people realized. He knew a lot of her issues, more than maybe a number of their friends. And he weighed it all in when it came to her comments. He liked to read her and often thought he was good at it, but he was raw and emotional. He was always quick to jump to conclusions and his fuse was extremely short when it came to things like this. Her worth was never a question in his mind,. The man put her very high on his list. Anyone who could be trusted with his son? The highest level of importance, and it burned him that people made her feel less than amazing. He hated her mother, though she didn’t know how much and how deeply. She knew about his strong dislike of Marcus because he was of zero importance to Rod. He lost all respect a long time ago. But it was hard to keep comments in when she looked at him. She was just as intense as he was, but in a different way. Her eyes? The man loved them. So many people had brown or blue, but hers were a lot like how Clo was in his mind. From afar, they looked the same, but close up like this? Just how different and special they were couldn’t be hidden from anyone-just like Clover.
His head jerked away from her touch slightly at first before immediately nuzzling in. The unfortunate flipside of such raw emotions was the undying need and comfort in being touched. Rod was the opposite of generally every male he knew. He was the one who needed contact and connection. He craved to be held, touched, caressed, even if not in a sexual manner. And the warmth of her hand against his scraggly, failing facial hair was enough to almost take the edge off his face. His nose flared and he gave a guttural noise of disagreement as she spoke. He knew she was not fine. Hell, she had never been fine, and Clover knew he knew that. Clover had been the one to willingly let him in when they were younger. And when her hand was moved away, there was a flash of almost sadness. He wanted that contact again, but instead he looked her over and let her finish talking before taking her head in hand and forcing her to look back at him. He knew she had been spending a lot of time getting to know a few guys better. Posey spoke of them a lot when he swung by to say hi to the little, bouncy adoptive sister of his. The struggle in his face was more than obvious as he tried to not lash out like he normally did. Worse, was the fact that he also realized this was the closest they had been since they got there. He kept himself stuck in place before replying. “You know I don’t believe you,” he finally said. After another pause, his eyes looked her over closely. His head dipped down for a second before rethinking and turning away after dropping his head.
“Sometimes I swear we’re stuck in this loop because you can’t hear me,” he muttered turning away and grabbing his beer. “Never fuckings what I say or do, you always have this image in your head. And you think I can’t see through your bullshit.” He took a sip and looked over at her. “You say you’re fine with it and you’re not. Not sure why you even waste your time on fools.”
*****
Even though she felt a jerk of something inside when he moved away from her, and as she watched him, she also knew that this was better than she had expected. Which someone didn’t make her feel as good as someone might excepted. She was happy that they weren’t yelling in whispers right now. But that loss of contact and him walking away stung a bit. She crossed her arms over her chest and bit down slightly on her bottom lip. He was trying, she could see that, and that was very clear to her. Rod was trying to reign it all in for her, and she was still somehow mucking it up despite actually trying. There was something very gentle in his touch when he returned and took her face in his hands. His large hands holding her small face, someone as rough as he looked but being so gentle at the same time. It was one of the reasons she liked him so much. He had that hard and soft contract in almost everything he did. It was beautiful in its own way. It also drove her mental but, at the same time there was always a love to it, and which is why she could never really shut him out either. Or maybe out of all of their years of friendship she was just used to it by now. When his head dipped slightly her breath seemed to be caught, if only for a moment and she froze completely. He made her nervous, if only because he made her feel things. More to the point, expressing those things. She always felt things. But she wasn’t always great at expressing them. Feeling like she had to keep it all inside all the time for the sake of others. Something she’d been doing since she was seven. It was a habit that she’d never fully gotten out of, no matter how hard she tried. “Rod...” she said softly after he pulled away again, feeling that sadness settle in.
She put on that front that she didn’t need contact when she really did. She didn’t need hugs, or to be held or to be touched. Because it was easier than admitting she did, and that might lead to her having to open up to someone who wasn’t Rod or Luke. And that terrified her. Because most people thought she was normal. She didn’t want to be looked at differently, and she didn’t want to get hurt by reactions. Clover leaned her back against the counter, clearly wrestling with something in her head as she listened to him. “I always hear you.” she admitted, she knew that took on a thousand meanings, but he would also understand how complex all of that way. Just like she felt like sometime he didn’t hear her, but she knew that he did. They tended to speak in levels to each other and sometimes, she felt like that had been part of the problem. It was both a good and bad thing with them, and right now, they had to get past the bad so they could get back to the good. She looked up at him for a moment, her eyes searching him for a moment. Playing with fire, that’s exactly what he was. It was so exciting, fun and there was always this warmth to it, but in the end she knew there was a possibility of getting burned, either of them. “Because I have a type.” she admitted before walking over to him. “And no matter what I do, or try to convince myself otherwise, I always go back for more. Unobtainable or just plain bad for me. Which is the more likely of the two. And why I run most of the time.” she said calmly, half looking at him, reaching out and taking his hand. This was one of the most plain things she’d ever said to him. It was the honest truth, nothing behind it, no self doubt rattling around in the back of her head. She was telling Rod this because she trusted him. So much so, and she needed him. And she needed him to understand this. She sucked at this, but she was trying.
****
Had he sight into her mind, Rod would have told her to stop thinking that she was the one ruining the moment. They were both very emotional people, even if Clover never really showed any trace of said emotions. He had always been able to get under her skin. Make her think about everything she worked to ignore. Was he proud of that? Well… some days he was, but not right now. The truth was, if she had been fucking it all up like she assumed, there would be no attempt at a calm conversation. The only thing holding him back would have been his son, and not her. And he wanted her to see that badly. That this was not her fault. Really, this was nothing more than probably what their relationship would always be. The hardest thing for both parties was admitting things, Clover was not alone in that. And he knew that his ability to accept his flaws was… lacking to put it nicely. And he did try. Even moreso now that he had his son living with him. But making her feel things? That was not a flaw, because getting her to emote was addicting. Seeing her face things she hid away for ages was more of a rush than most things for Rod. If only because he knew it helped in the long run. That she knew he was always an outlet. Whether or not she used it, of course, was a different story entirely. The way she said his name after the man pulled away made him sick to his stomach for a moment. The wrenching guilt of what had just crossed his mind, knowing she was not at the same level he had found himself after that night back home. But he tried to keep his face straight and his eyes from showing too much of the conflict battling inside his head.
He gave a huff when she said she heard him. A statement both true and false. She heard the words, yes, because she always reacted to the words. She never seemed to hear his meaning, which was shown by the fact that she never reacted to that. Instead, she was focusing on how she felt about situations like this, not on what he thought to be the reality. When she commented, though, and took his hand, there was a moment of the floor falling out from under him. There was a difference between knowing what he thoughts and hearing her say at least half of it. No one was impossible for her to obtain, they were just bad for her. And hearing Clo say that was painful, even if he knew it to be true. Because he always wanted her to be happy with someone. And it never seemed to happen. He took her hand just long enough to put down his beer and walk over to where she was standing. He spun her slightly to face what she was cooking and let go of her hand to wrap his arms around her and pull her in. Rod sighed into her hair and closed his eyes. Focus on the comment, he told himself. Do not blow up on this again. But the words he wanted to say made his voice crack when he finally spoke. Many men out there, their third member of this old fashioned party included, had a hold on their emotions. They were not commonly reduced to a puddle of tears over strenuous topics. Rod was simply not that lucky.
“No one worth it is unobtainable,” he told her. The sting in his voice clear, and he knew she had told him pretty much the same thing while he struggled to fix the failing and frankly toxic relationship with Mari. “You just don’t bother to try for those who are right for you because you don’t want to fuck it all sideways. But with shitholes? Fucking it up isn’t as bad.” Rod took a deep breath and bent down to bury his nose in her hair and choke back a sniffle before continuing. “Anyone who doesn’t make you feel worth it isn’t. Don’t matter if he’s bloody fucking prince charming or a troll. And if he doesn’t see that there is no better mother for his kids, or best friend, or wife out of you, then fuck him. Let him rot and be unhappy without you. Because that’s what they deserve.”
***
Clover took the silence between them for a moment to gather up her thoughts again. As she pulled back her long dark hair into a familiar a low ponytail. Being honest was never a problem with her. She could handle that. But admitting what she was feeling or her thoughts on areas like this in her life, she was not good at. Clover was supposed to be on the other side of this conversation. It’s how it worked. She was the one to dole out the advice, give the hugs, tell her friends that they were worth more than gold, threaten to destroy anyone who fucked with them. She was a mama bear, pure and simple. Clover knew when to rip the throat out of people who messed with hers, and when to just take a step back and take care of them. She didn’t like talking about her end of things. It made her nervous and that all of a sudden she would be spilling out everything that she had worked to push back. It wasn’t just this building up in her head. Yes, she’d dealt with feeling guilty for feeling weird about her sister growing up, but not entirely. She was so happy for Posey, and she’d even found a nice guy that really liked her. And that’s all she could really ask for. Meanwhile, Clover was just so fucked up in own opinion of herself that she was sure that no one would want to deal with her on that level. Her closest friends, yes, but they sort of had to at this point. There was a difference between opening up to them and taking that to another level with someone else. It terrified her. She was so convinced that they’d either run out on her at the first sign of trouble, or she would say or do something that would make them decide that she just wasn’t worth it. To Rod’s point, yeah, then they weren’t worth her time. But the idea of going through that, the concept of yes, she had to kiss so many frogs before they turned into prince fucking charming...but...that seemed like to much to put herself through. She flirted with guys she knew would never make a move on her in any serious way. It wasn’t a decision she had made lightly, she had thought it out time and time and time again. But it was one that she had held steadfast to for longer than any sane person would.
She always knew that she was small, but standing there with her back to Rod’s front, his arms around her, she always felt really small like that. But not necessarily in a bad way since without shoes, Rod had about a foot on her. She tilted her head down as she felt his face nestle in her hair and she shut her eyes, glad that he couldn’t see her face. Her arms were still crossed against her chest and his arms lay on top of hers, keeping them gently where they were. As she listened to the emotion that was coursing through his voice she swallowed hard, bit a little harder on her lip, hearing the similar speech she’d given him time and time again. Usually she could practice what she preached. She did it to be a good role model for the kids because she knew she was in the spotlight. It had started out as wanting to be a good role model for her kid sister, and had just evolved from there. Work hard, when doing photoshoots show the girls that they don’t have to take off all their clothing or be overly sexy to get attention, help those in need. Just a few codes she lived by and talked about freely and honestly. But not in this case, apparently. By the time Roderick had gotten done speaking she was shaking slightly.
For once in her life she was speechless. She couldn’t formulate words to say right now, and that was a very rare thing indeed, and Rod knew it. Clove realized that she had to say something, or at least let him know that she had heard everything he had said. She sniffed a bit and nodded her head, all the while lifting her thumb up and rubbing it gently against his arm. She was certain that he would be able to tell the difference between her just not responding because she didn’t want to talk about it, and what was happening right now. She got it. She had heard him, and it stung as much as it uplifted her as well. She just had no idea what to say to that at this second. A few more passed by and she cleared her throat. Clover turned her head slightly so she could look up at him, not wanting to break the hug, because right now, she needed it. Clove had the sneaking suspicion that he did too right now. “Thank you.” she said simply, but meaning it very much. If she didn’t want to talk about it, or tried to shift the conversation, or to try and tell him that she was fine again, she wouldn’t have said thank you. She would have said ‘you too’ something else along that line. This was acceptance to what he was saying, and taking it all in. She had heard what he said and got the emotion behind it. Or so she thought at any rate. Clover leaned her head against his chest for a moment and stared in front of them for a little while, soaking it in. They were intense, but it was addicting. “You’re really amazing, know that?” she said a small smile coming across her face.