Alicia Spinnet (aliciabspinnet) wrote in novsila_rpg, @ 2015-09-30 17:33:00 |
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Entry tags: | alicia spinnet, cormac mclaggen |
WHO Alicia & Cormac
WHAT Alicia FINALLY remembers and has decided that they need to talk
WHERE #13 - Cormacs House
WHEN BACKDATED 12:15 pm on August 31st once Alicia remembers everything.
RATING/STATUS TBD
Waking up that morning was really weird. She couldn’t really figure out what was going on. She felt a little light headed as memories started to flood her mind. They kept coming on and off all morning, which made practice a little bit hard but she hid it really well and kept a good practice going. Alicia took it seriously. Sure there had been ups and downs and there were parts of her that really wished she could swap keepers on a personal level but professional she NEVER let that show. She was always very respectful to the team and worked with them. Tough sure, but she wasn’t a bad captain.
Once practice was over she let everyone go maybe 5 minutes early as she hurried to take a show as the very last of her memories came back. She smiled at her brother whom she was pretty sure could see something was up with her but didn’t wait around long enough for him or anyone else to talk to her.
Maybe she was a horrible person, maybe she was the worst girlfriend ever, she loved Mac, she knew that he loved her but if he had been telling Oliver or even hinting to Oliver that she hadn’t been there for him enough or wasn’t open to being there for him than they needed to talk about it. She felt hurt that she was attacked like that when really she couldn’t remember being a bitch or horrible to anyone, sure there were probably a few little fights she picked with Cormac during that time but the fact that she got attacked for it so much later and it wasn’t something she and Mac had talked about it compounded her feeling of maybe she was missing something, maybe it was all her fault and if it was well… That’d be pretty shitty, at least that was how it made her feel.
At a brisk jog she made it over to Cormac’s place. Things were awkward and as she now remembered everything she knew that they needed to talk, seriously needed to talk, she knew things hadn’t been perfect now but she still didn’t think they were as bad as they were made out to be. She remembered seeing Cormac after his match and being there for him, but he wasn’t really in a place to wanting a lot of company and if Oliver had been there more for him well, than fine she sucked. Alicia felt a lot of the anger she felt after the conversation with Oliver come back to her in those moments.
Pausing as she got to the door she knocked on it quickly. “Mac? Are you in there?” She called hoping that’s where he would be. They needed to talk and Alicia needed some answers. If he had made it seem like to Oliver that Alicia hadn’t been there for him than they needed to work it out, without someone else’s opinion.
~~~
Cormac knew that he could come across as an ass sometimes, and he knew that it would cause problem, because it always had. And if he had somehow managed to piss someone he actually cared about off, he tried like hell to fix it. Unfortunately, with not remembering things for a while, he couldn’t really do much about anything. He’d tried with what little he had, but there was only so much he could actually do. And not being able to fix a situation between two people he cared about bothered him greatly. He was not good at this, he really wasn’t. And unfortunately, the only solution that he could come up with was to stick his girlfriend and his best friend in the same room, lock the door, and pray they didn’t kill each other. However, that seemed like the worst idea in the world at the moment, so he decided he should probably just work on his relationship with Alicia for the time being and just try to stay out of the other situation as much as possible. He felt guilty because for some reason, he seemed to be in the middle of it without even saying anything at all. Or at this point. Actually, he wasn’t exactly sure what was going on there. He just knew that something was up, and that it just seemed neither one was happy about it. But like hell like hell if he knew what to do about it.
Instead he figured that he needed to just sit down and talk to Alicia about stuff between them. One thing at a time, and maybe if they figured out what was going on between them, that would take a bit of weight off their shoulders. He wasn’t sure how to start that conversation, like a lot of times when they needed to talk about stuff, but that never really had stopped him from trying. Granted, the last time he’d needed to get stuff off of his chest after Ireland got knocked out...he honestly couldn’t much of anything that. He vaguely remembered both Alicia and Oliver being there, but in what context and what he said, his memory was hazy. Though, at least now he knew that was self inflicted given how much whiskey he’d put away that night, rather than it being from a magical source beyond his liver. Cormac had planned on maybe dropping by Alicia’s on his way to work that night, and even if they didn’t get around to having the conversation they needed to, they could at least start something, or make a plan, or something along those lines. Anything to show her that he was more than committed to her, and he wanted to work things out between them. He’d gone for a long run that afternoon to clear his head, and get ready for it. By the time he’d heard a knock on his door, he was just finishing changing after showering. “Aye, ‘m in here.” he said with a bit of a smile. Got to love his girl, one step ahead of him.
Cormac opened up the door and gave her a bit of a smile, clearly happy to see her, though, he had a feeling he knew what this is about. “I was actually on me way over to you. Good timein’, love.” he said in all seriousness, but there was still warmth there. He wasn’t really looking forward to having this conversation, but he also knew that it needed to be done, and he was more than willing to get through it if it made them stronger. Because the last thing he wanted was for her to not be in his life. He could honestly say that he loved her in a way that he hadn’t loved anyone else, and for someone who really hadn’t believed in that concept before they started dating, it was something that he was willing to fight tooth and nail for.
****
There were so many questions and she still felt like even though she only just now remembered it still seemed to be an extremely fast turn around from hating each other to being best friends and while Alicia could remember being happy they were friends now, she also felt like she got cut out a lot because now it was just all very different and sometimes she had no idea where her place was anymore. It was confusing and hard. Not to mention Alicia was pretty much more angry now that she could remember everything and sure she had picked a couple of fights but the fact that she got attacked about it and basically told she was totally to blame didn’t help her calming down. Whatever the hell was wrong with her and Oliver was a problem for another day.
“Yeah, finally got all my memories back.” She said with a sort of smile that wasn’t totally there. Alicia didn’t really want to have this conversation either but she knew that they both needed to have the conversation and get it over with. She had no idea what was going to happen. The suspensions that were placed in her head a few weeks ago were not helping the situation at all.
“So, we need to talk about the hell is going on, because if I’ve been a shit girlfriend or if I haven’t been there for you enough we need to figure it out, and we need to figure out if we are okay or not, because I don’t know.” She said very honestly, figured breaking it right out would be better than dragging it on and frankly it felt like a conversation that was overdue. Way overdue.
~~~
Cormac watched her for a moment and despite the smile, it wasn’t totally there. Which he figured that meant that the conversation was happening soon. “Good, I’m really glad to hear that.” he admitted honestly. Now maybe they could try and get back to normal, or some semblance of it. Or now. Which, honestly, he was okay with that. As much as he would like to take his time with this, he really did think it was best if they just got it all out in the open and dealt with it head on. It was just how the two of them worked, and her bluntness was one of the reasons he fell in love with her in the first place. When she asked that though he got a bit of a puzzled look on his face. “No, you haven’t been a shit girlfriend.” he said honestly, not sounding the slightest bit defensive. He sighed a bit, and he started to think about how he could make this all okay between the two of them. Reassure her a little bit.
“I mean, was a little frustrated that you kept picking fights with me, yeah, I was.” he admitted, but it didn’t sound like he was being attacking or anything. Just saying his side of it, actually opening up about it. Granted, he also really wasn’t sure of what he said or didn’t say when he was totally and completely drunk that night either, he was half wondering if he had said something he shouldn’t have because he was not in a good spot. Besides, saying everything was fine off the bat just might cause more problems. She was honest with him, and he was likewise. It’s just how it was. “But I knew there was other shit goin’ on and you probably didn’t even know yah were doin’ it.” he shrugged a bit. “I just figured if you needed an outlet, might as well be me. Figured it help.” He also sounded like he knew this was kind of dumb, but he was just doing what he thought was best at the time.
“You gotta know that I still love yah, Als. With everythin’ I got.” he added, because he felt like it was really important for her to know that. Yeah, might not have been the best timing, but everything in his face said it was true. “We fight sometimes, it happens. I knew at some point I’d piss you off, since that’s what I do and all, but, I really want nothing more than to make sure that we’re okay.”
****
“So, you went and told Oliver about it? So he could yell at me about it? If you have a problem with me, or if I was picking fights all the time, which I’m not sure is fair either, you should talk to me about it.” She said crossing her arms feeling a little defensive. Yeah, she picked some fights but she also had a lot of other feelings that she was struggling to put into words. She kind of wondered how he would feel if she and Ryan started to become best friends and talked about him but she wasn’t going to say that because that was different and weird, it was just that she felt so blindsided before.
“You know I don’t care if you need to talk to someone about something, but when it comes to something about me picking fights, or me doing something wrong you should talk to me about it.” Alicia said feeling really just… hurt actually. “Ever since you and Oliver decided you were best friends it is almost like you guys have your own world and I’m just an addition to it because I happen to be your girlfriend and was his friend…. am his friend.” Which frankly she wasn’t so sure on that anymore either.
“I still love you too.” She said and meant it. “I don’t think loving each other is the problem here.” She said as she thought about it. “I don’t know what is going on, are we moving in different directions? Or we just not communicating well enough? And really… the fact that it was a year after Elle and I was a bitch to everyone I talked to? I don’t know.” She said with a shrug. “I really don’t know anymore.”
~~~
Cormac looked at her with genuine confusion for a moment. Part of him was kind of pissed about the whole situation, not at one person, but at the whole damn thing. Another part of him did feel a little guilty, because yeah, he probably handled it wrong. Okay mostly really guilty. He hadn’t really meant to get that close with Oliver that fast. It just...happened. And he’d found someone that he could confide in because sometimes he just needed a third party and up until recently, outside of Alicia, there really hadn’t been anyone else. She had her girlfriends and he thought maybe she opened up to them about him, so he wasn’t sure of how bad it was. Except that he kind of did, and a new level of guilt hit him. This whole having a best friend was still somewhat new to him. He drew in a deep breath and let her get it out, all out without interrupting. This was where he had to force that good guy out of himself a bit, put his own feelings aside for a brief moment so he could deal with all of this like a normal person and not the beast that he could be at times. “I admit, I probably didn’t handle it as well as I should have.” He was willing to concede that, honestly, not because he thought it was what she wanted it to hear. “I dina think he was goin’ to say anythin’, and really, if I said anything, which, clearly I did, it was when I was so fucking drunk that I dina know what I was sayin’.” he said not sounding defensive just trying to tell his side of it. “Apparently I said a lot of things that were botherin’ me, a majority of it, I don’t really remember what it was about, but I can guess and most of it wasn’t about you.” he said honestly trying to figure out what was going on right now. “But you’re right, I shoula said somethin’ to you first. I just...I dunno. I thought I was doin’ the right thing by not adding more to your plate at the time. I was wrong in that.” Cormac admitting he was wrong was about as rare as a blue moon. Which is how usually, people knew that he meant it.
At that second part he shifted in his stance a bit and chewed on his bottom lip for a moment, taking it in. Yeah, that hurt. A lot. Oliver had become the brother relationship that he hadn’t gotten to have with his own blood. And he was trying hard to get the gears to turn in his head, but, as he crossed his arms over his massive chest he nodded a bit, trying his damnest to see it from her side. If he wanted things to work between them, he had to concede and not act like the prat he wanted to. And he did, very much want to make things work. “I see.” he said giving his head a little time to catch up. “I dina realize that it had gotten that bad.” he said tilting his head so that he could look at her face. Wanting to say that it was his turn to say that she should have said something about it before now. But, there was no point in that right now. There was a bigger picture to consider, and getting into a nit picky little fight was not going to help things. “‘m sorry that it did. If I said that I’d be more mindful of that, would that help?” he asked in all sincerity. “Because I never wanted ta make you feel like that.”
Mac dropped his arms and walked over to her and put his giant bear paws on top of her much smaller shoulders. “Speedbump.” he said simply. “I think this is a speedbump, one of those moments when we realize that relationships do take a bit of work. But, since we still love each other, ‘m more than willin’ ta work it out.” he said there was a faint smile on his face. It was really amazing how far he’d come in a year. Last year, he probably would have wanted to punch something. He still sort of did, but he was more focused on them right now. “Maybe we do need ta work on some communication, but it’s a fixable problem.” he said trying to sound as confidant as he felt in the matter. “I ain’t losin’ you over this.” he added stubbornly. And then his face softened a bit and he shook his head. “Not all the time, I mean, you had your moments, but it wasn’t an easy thing ta go through. But, I have my bastard moments, and I ain’t goin’ through anythin’ like that. But on the whole, nah, not a bitch.” he said with a soft laugh, and kissed her forehead, just then realizing that he hadn’t shaved in a few days so she probably got a bit of beard scratched up against her.
*****
It all really hurt, it all was eating at her and making her just want to cry and Alicia hated crying, she hated it. She felt like somehow she was the bad guy no matter what, and yeah she probably should have said something about Oliver and Mac’s all of a sudden perfect friendship but the thing was, was she didn’t feel like she could say anything because that would make her the bad guy. There was simply no winning for her and she was starting to feel like it wasn’t fair.
“Yeah, you should have talked to me about it, because instead I got told that I’ve been a bitch to most people that I know, including being horrid to you.” Alicia really didn’t think that Mac got how much that hurt her, how much being attacked pretty much out of no where was hurting her. She thought back on some of the fights they’d had and some of them were basically just about things they felt they needed to talk about and had been getting washed over because they wouldn’t be fun fights and they’d just have to agree, somewhere because she was struggling with the one year of everything that happened with Elle and Alicia blamed herself for a lot of it and she was on edge. Mac could be an utter prat and that was okay? But she couldn’t have a bad month.
“Do you think I wasn’t there for you?” Alicia asked kind of out of no where, because if that was the case they had more than a simple speedbump. She knew that, she knew that she felt like if he thought she didn’t care enough or that she wasn’t there for him, even though she knows for a fact that she was, maybe not enough, maybe she wasn’t good enough for him, maybe things would be okay, maybe they wouldn’t. The concept that he might think she wasn’t there for him enough during the world cup and after his loss… Although apparently Oliver was and she wasn’t was the message she’d gotten which felt…like being stabbed. She just felt lost.
She smiled softly when he kissed her forehead but she didn’t really move much other than the small smile, she needed to know if he felt like she hadn’t been there for him enough.
~~~~
In his moment of need, he could say that yes, she had been there for him. Though, the details of the situation were still missing and he honestly couldn’t say what happened for the life of him, but, the point was, she’d been there. And that’s all that mattered to him. He knew her heart and she would have done everything she could. His fears of being called being stupid over all of this were probably for naught, and he probably even opened up a bit as to all of the feelings of feeling like he wasn’t good enough in a lot of aspects of his life. Or at least he hoped he had. How coherent they all were, he didn’t know, but he was fairly sure that he would have tried to explain why he was so gone that night. Cormac drank, everyone knew that, but rarely did he get that black out drunk any more. Especially when he was in Italy, he’d actually been on pretty good behavior then. He let out a little bit of a sigh and gave her a small, but warm smile as he shook his head. “Not for a minute.” he reassured her. “We might not always see eye to eye, and we’re both stubborn as hell, but I know at the end of the day you’d drop everythin’ for me.” No matter how big of a prat he was.
Which was often. And he took a lot of flack for it. Try to support a friend and go off the deep end? He got reamed out. He took a lot more hits than people tended to realize, but he didn’t let it show. It was a part of how he’d gotten to the point where he didn’t care what a vast majority of people thought about him. He was who he was and if people didn’t like it they could kindly fuck off. For the most part. For those whose opinions he did care about, like Alicia’s...he wanted to work on it to fix it. Show that good guy side of him that was in there somewhere. “‘m sorry you’ve been havin’ a hard time with all of this.” he said trying to be supportive and sympathetic at the same time. “We’ll get through it. And I know that you’re really good at takin’ care of you and all, but, you know that I got yah, aye?” he said in all sincerely. “Want me ta see if I can call off tonight? And then we can have a night together?” He asked being dead serious about doing that.
****
“So, I’m still not really understanding…” Why the hell he’d given Oliver the impression, and Oliver even pointed out how bitchy she’d been. When frankly her conversations with Oliver had pretty much all been a bit round of not understanding and being called names. So, why did she still feel like maybe they still weren’t reaching the point? Maybe she’d spent too much time trying to figure out what the problem was over the last few weeks without any of the facts that she was overthinking it, which was possible. She’d happily admit to that one, it was just that she still felt like something was broken.
All of the problems right now, in her mind, had nothing to do with him being a prat sometimes, actually that was about the last problem she could think of. Partly because she never really thought of him that way unless they were joking and teasing and she’d call him one lovingly but nothing serious, or if she was playfully annoyed or he caught her on something and she’d smile afterwards. No. The problem didn’t appear to be him per say, it seemed to be her. Simply put and everything that was and wasn’t being said still felt like it was her. Like something was missing. She felt like she was missing something, like she had failed at something and the problem was, was that she couldn’t even figure out what it was.
“Of course I know you do, and maybe we both didn’t want to add to anyone else’s load during the world cup, but I’m still not feeling as though we are on the same page, or in the same chapter.” Alicia said with a frown which was more directed at herself than at him. “I just… I don’t want to pretend there isn’t something wrong and go with it’ll be okay tomorrow, because that clearly isn’t working.” She sighed a little bit. “I also don’t want you to get in trouble for missing a shift.” She’d rather them figure it out, but she had to work too and everything just seemed to be off.
~~~
Truth was, now Cormac was the one who had no idea what was going on. He thought they were talking about it, and things were going to be okay. He had no idea what he was missing at this point. He’d told her the truth from what was going on in his head and apparently that wasn’t enough? Maybe? He honestly had no idea. He was quiet for a moment as he really started to think harder, maybe he missed something. If this was something specific about what happened between her and Oliver, other than what she’d told him, he honestly had no idea what happened between them. Oliver hadn’t told him anything other than they’d been in a fight. But, he was more focused on what was in front of him at the moment. He looked at her for a moment trying to figure out exactly what she was looking for. What answer he could give, and given genuinely that could either help fix whatever wasn’t working, or needed to be answered, but he honestly wasn’t sure what was going on. “I think that’s fair enough, as far as to why we didn’t speak up when we prolly should have.” he said starting slow, letting the gears tick away in his head.
“I really have no idea what’s going on right now, Alicia.” he said sounding even more worried. “I mean, sounds like we had a miscommunication problem going on, on top of just a lot of other emotional stuff, to me.” he said thinking out loud to see if that wouldn’t help his head a bit. “And now that we got that, I have faith we’ll work that out.” he said trying to reassure her a bit, but still a bit perplexed. “Is it...is it possible that you’re over thinking a bit?” he said delicately. “I mean, if it was me, I know I would be. I’d probably be off the deep end with it. Seein’ all sorts of things that weren’t there. Hell, I probably would have beat a few people up by now.” he admitted, knowing that he would be in far worse condition and probably not able to actually have this conversation. “I mean, if yer worried about somethin’ else, ‘m more than happy to try and do what I can with it before we both have to take off?” his brows were furrowed with worry and he really wanted to make sure that she was okay before he went anywhere. He still had a bit of time, but, when push came to shove, she was more important and he’d deal with the fucking consequences if he was a bit late or whatever.
******
It felt like she probably sounded crazy, but she was trying to be clear about how she felt and how things were going on her end or how she was feeling about it. She knew she wanted to make things work but she also wanted to be able to talk about what wasn’t and figure out what the real problem was. There was a part of her that didn’t feel like it was simply as easy as a miscommunication problem. It felt like it was something else.
“I just don’t think it’s all about a communication error, and I probably have been thinking too much about it.” It did selfishly bother her that he didn’t even seem to upset him that Oliver confronted on something that should be between them. That probably did have too much to do with overthinking it and not really understanding what was going on.
“Are we on two different paths? Because before all of this Island stuff I think we weren’t on the same one.” She said honestly. It wasn’t her trying to be unfair or blame anything or do anything wrong or place blame, there was no blame ,but it did feel like they were on different paths. It wasn’t just her having picked a few fights which from what she could remember were all small things, it was more that it really did feel like paths were different. “What do you want? Not if you love me or want to be with me for that, but what do you actually want in life?”
~~~
There was a part of Mac that knew that he’d have to have a talk with Oliver about all of this, but he wasn’t about to drag it up in front of her. Just like she needed to deal with Oliver, Mac did too. He hadn’t even been around for that conversation and yet, a part of him was feeling like he was taking the blame for it. Yeah, maybe he shouldn’t have said those things. And yeah, he should have talked to her first, but at the same time, in trying to clear his head before hand, it wasn’t like he had a ton of people he was willing to talk to this about either. And in his mind, it wasn’t going to help anything by getting emotional and all of that. As she started to talk more, there was a nagging feeling in the back of his head wondering if she was actually just trying to break up with him, and couldn’t quite get the words out right. He felt his gut lerch a bit, but he kept himself steady. Maybe he was reading a bit too much into it. No, they were talking about things because they wanted to work them out. He had to focus on that. Or try to.
He was silent for a while, feeling like he was really going to need a good stiff drink after all of this. But it’d have to wait until he was done with work first. But, still, he felt like he needed one for this. He hadn’t exactly expected this conversation to come up. He had no idea what she was talking about with two separate paths. Maybe that was a problem, because other than some minor problems they’d been having, he hadn’t really seen too many major ones. Yeah, he’d been a little annoyed and hurt over when he’d asked her to move in with him and it was a fairly quick turn around in her refusal. And okay, he was bummed out when he’d tried to just let her see another big part of his life when he had invited her to come along to the Vatican. He respected her ideas and thoughts on the matter, he did, he wouldn’t change that about her, but he’d hoped that she’d at least maybe wanted to do some sightseeing, spend time with him doing something that was important to him. It took a bit, but he’d gotten over those things. All the while he looked thoughtful about this, coming up with a serious answer because he was taking this seriously. Of all the times to run his mouth and lose control of his thoughts and words, this was not one of them. He was pacing slightly, feeling the need to just move, something he always did when he was thinking about something important.
“You know what I want?” he started scratching at his face a bit. “I want my career to grow, to get back onto the National team again as a starter and win the damn thing this time.” he spoke somewhat slower than Cormac normally was, but really trying to get his thoughts out so they made some sort of sense. “I want to settle down, get married, maybe have a kid or two. I want to be a good husband and if so, a good father. I want to make my friends happy, and I want to be at peace with who I am. I want to sneak in a few more tattoos on my body, and I want to see more of the world. And I really would like a partner in all of this, someone I can share me life with and keep me in line, and make me laugh, but also support me and I her in all aspects no matter how shitty some of the talks might have to be. And,” he paused and drew in a deep breath, damnit, he also really wanted a smoke right now too. That maybe he could sneak in here in a bit. “I’d really love that for you to be you.” he said rubbing his face a bit, but meaning it all. He felt a little sick right now, waiting to see if this was going to fly or if this was going to be it. Honestly, he really felt like he was about to throw up and he had a tingly sensation throughout his body as he realized he wasn’t breathing all that much.
*****
Alicia didn’t know what she wanted, and there were a lot of issues. There were things that she couldn’t figure out and there were things that she wanted to get clear. That was more important to her than anything else. She wanted more of a point. She wanted something to be more clear. When it came to the Vatican frankly the fact that it was Mac and Oliver that she didn’t feel comfortable and she’d already been feeling pushed out by that. Why would she go do that when she felt like she wasn’t really as welcome because she didn’t believe, and religion had become a bigger talked about focus ever since he’d gotten close to Oliver. It did make it hard for Alicia to feel included or on the same page. The whole reason she didn’t go was more because she felt like if she didn’t agree, if she didn’t fit in with the views of Oliver and Cormac that it would cause more problems than not. She wouldn’t have the same reaction, she wouldn’t feel things the same way. It had nothing to do with respect, she fully respected his views but she had felt like everything had started to become about religion and that was hard for her.
Keeping tears out of her eyes was hard, she blinked them away not allowing any to fall as he spoke. She understood that, she wanted a lot of the same things but there were things about all of that she still didn’t feel like they were on the same page with. It felt horrible and it broke her heart as she thought about it. She had felt highly pushed out because she was different because she didn’t share the same views in more ways that she had originally thought.
She swallowed knowing that what she said next would make a huge impact and would be a huge choice for both of them. “Do you want your kids to be raised Catholic?” Alicia asked not fully feeling comfortable asking it as her voice started to shake, but she also knew how important it was. They were at the point where they needed to figure out if this was forever or not. It terrified her and it broke her. She could imagine her life not being with him, but she also knew that some of these fundamentals of life were extremely important.
~~
That answer was something he actually could answer. Was there a part of him that wanted to say yes, yes he did and not budge on it? Of course there was. However, he might have been stubborn, but he wasn’t that stubborn. For the right people he was willing to give a little and compromise. He’d known for a good long while that his faith wasn’t exactly something shared by a lot of people in this world. Which is why he kept it so close to the chest for a long time. Not many people he went to mass on Sunday mornings, assuming he wasn’t in the hospital from the day before. And he was okay with that. Outside of the few conversations he’d had with Hufflepuff’s ghost over seven years, he hadn’t really even mentioned it while he was at school. And really, Oliver had been his first friend who was willing to talk about it with him, which is why it felt nice to be able to talk about it with someone who understood that area of his life. He hadn’t meant to make anyone feel alienated by it, it was just nice. It was one of those moments where he felt like suddenly he wasn’t going to be able to walk that middle ground like he wanted to. He wanted both his faith and his girl. And up until now, he never really saw why he’d ever have to pick.
“I always planned on ultimately letting them decided for themselves. So, no, not every Sunday go with da to mass, Sunday School, the whole nine yards. But I would like some sort of exposure, so that when they're old enough, they can decide for themselves. And I would respect whatever their wishes might be. I mean, assumin’ that they weren’t into animal sacrifice or anything. Might need to draw the line there.” His reflexes kicked in from having this be too serious, though, he was actually pretty serious about that. That was just weird. But no matter, the point was, he just wanted exposure because it was important to him. But was he going to force it or insist that it had to happen, of course not. He wasn’t so unreasonable that he couldn’t try and find some sort of middle ground. He was hoping for it.
“Is this somthin’ you really want Alicia?” he asked flat out. That little bit of doubt speaking from the back of his head. “Me that is.” Given the nature of the conversation he figured he’d better throw that in there. He was beyond uncomfortable right now, but he was staying put. Maybe Ryan had been right the other day, maybe Pucey was trying for something. He trusted Alicia to the ends of the earth...it was just that guy he didn’t trust. Cormac was telling himself that it was stupid, and he was just being jealous for no reason. That they’d be fine. But this conversation right now, he was actually doubting himself right now. Was he really that horrible? Probably. He’d tried like hell to make her happy. He knew he wasn’t perfect, but she had to know how hard he tried and how much he did care about her. Right? Fuck if he knew right now. Yeah. He really wanted to sit down and drink right now. Relieve the headache that was forming right now.
****
Faith was a complicated thing. When it came down to friendship only it was easy to accept and go along with and be supportive. When it came down to needing to figure out if your life views were going to work with the guy you were in love with, well that was very different. When it came down to Oliver a lot of the problem had to do with a loss of trust. It wasn’t that Mac had talked to someone about their problems or what was bothering him, it was more about that it was someone Alicia had once fully trusted and instead was basically attacked by. It was clear to her that she had failed and she was trying to figure out how to find a good ground, she was trying to talk to Cormac about it all so they could figure out if it would work or not. Maybe she had Oliver to thank for telling her she’d been an a bitch for it.
“What about exposure to everything else? Within reason.” Alicia answered. “Clearly not animal sacrifice.” Given she was such a huge animal person that thought was more the extreme she really hoped to never have to think about. “I’d rather a child be raised with every religion as an option. Learn Hindu, understand the Buddhist way, and I know you don’t judge, but…” She paused getting visibly more uncomfortable as tears actually started to fall. “But lately there has been a bigger divide.” That felt honest. She knew the fact that he now had Oliver who was on the same page that made it easier for him but at the same time it also cut her out and it also made it harder to try and explain her side.
When he asked her if she wanted him the tears that were light started to pour out of her eyes. Alicia knew who he was, she thought inside and out, granted lately she struggled more. She knew he wanted to make her happy, and she wanted to make him happy. Should they have to work like hell to do it? Was that a sign? She didn’t know as more tears fell.
“I love you.” She said. “ I want this to work. I also want to be honest. And I want to make sure this is what we both want. Not just about loving each other, but about what we want out of life, what we expect.” Was she so insane for bringing it up? Was she wrong for forcing the conversation? At that moment she was pretty mixed.
~~~
Alicia was right, he didn’t judge. As long as it was something that didn’t purposely cause harm to someone else intentionally, he could deal with it. A lot of those concepts were completely foreign to him, as there weren’t exactly a lot of Buddhists or people practicing Hinduism in Ireland and in the U.K. A fair few, for certain, but it was mostly the Church of England, Presbyterians, and Catholics. Hell, he’d known all too well about those two when he lived on the border between the Republic and the North the year he spent playing for the Belfast. He’d utterly refused to live in Belfast, as it is U.K. territory, but he’d lived close enough to the border to really understand. It had been part of the reason he’d bought his house back in the south in Cork County once he’d been moved to the Falcons. But was he against a child of his learning about other religions, or even practicing them? Not really. Words that his grandfather had told him once rang in his head suddenly. Something he hadn’t thought about in years. “As long as it makes them happy, and fills their heart with love, I don’t care what they practice.” he said honestly. “I have no objection to whatever spiritual path they might want to take due to exposure, if at all.” Naturally, he might not always get it, but it wouldn’t mean that he would be unsupportive.
He listened to her and stopped pacing for a bit, between her crying and her using the word honest again, he sort of felt like he was still missing something. Maybe Ryan had been right in trying to get him to go beat the piss out of Pucey. He was half wishing that he’d actually gone through with it instead of blatantly refusing to go along with it. Cormac knew that it probably didn’t help matters between himself and his brother, but he’d been trying to do the right thing. He was trying to be good-guy Comrac, and not the asshole most people knew. He wasn’t totally reassured by this, though he was a bit when she said that she loved him and she wanted to make it work. It felt like there was a bigger ‘but” coming, considering that she hadn’t even given him a clear yes or no either. Relationships were hard work sometimes, he knew that, he’d always known that. Even before he started dating her, and really, that had been part of the problem he hadn’t found anyone worth working with to make it last. He walked over to her and wrapped her up in his massive arms gently, trying to soothe her a bit, unable to resist it any longer. He just wanted to hold her for a bit, make her feel better, like he was really here and trying his damnest to figure this all out right now.
“It’s still something I want.” he said plainly. “‘And I told yah what I want out of life, and yah know that I ain’t afraid of a little work now and again, any relationship is goin’ ta take some work now and again. Yer worth the fight for it. But yah have ta tell me, Als. Is this somethin’ I should be fightin’ for? Because you haven’t given me a clear answer yet. And ‘m startin’ to get worried yer about to tell me something else. It could be all just in me head, but yer gettin’ me kind of worried her, love.”
*****
Did she have something to add? She wasn't really sure. Part of her felt like everything was falling apart and part of her felt like things were going to be okay. Alicia wanted things to be okay, but the last two months of no memories and getting them all back now.... she felt like something was broken. Maybe she was the one broken, maybe she was the one to blame for everything.
Alicia knew not moving in with him had been a huge choice, she hadn't meant to be so quick in saying no, she did want to live with him but she also felt like they should find a place that was new for both of them that way it could feel like both of their homes. They'd been together nearly two years now and it was time to figure out if this was going to be the forever relationship or not and if she was honest with herself she wasn't sure she was a good fit for Mac anymore. It has hard for her to admit but Oliver had put a lot in her mind that did make her feel like maybe she wasn't a good fit, maybe he deserved better. Much better. Someone who was less bull headed, someone more willing to move in with him without thinking. Someone much kinder and less selfish than she was. Someone who admitted to problems and asked for help rather than just taking her of herself. Someone that wasn't such a bitch.
It was funny that Adrian Pucey, Puketastic had been a better friend to her than some people who had told her that they were her best friends. There was no romantic feelings for Puketastic, but she had grown to enjoy his company and concider him a friend not just a prat who needed a nose job... and by nose job she meant punching it. No, there was nothing romantic, at least on her end, but she had grown to really enjoy having him around.
Alicia let her face hid against him as she took a breath in. It felt right, it felt comfortable and it felt like it was safe. "I think you deserve better than me." Alicia finally said after a moment, her arms wrapped around him. 'I don't think I'm good enough for you." She admitted feeling the weight lift off of her shoulders as she admitted to the real feelings she'd been having ever since she got her memories back. "I told you I want this to work. And I do, I just don't know if we are going to be compatable long term." That was fair to say right? She thought it was. She thought it was fair to try and just say whatever she was thinking, feeling.
~~~~
Cormac was about to reassure her, that she was what he wanted. That he would have gone the distance for her. And Comrac was not the sort to just say things and not mean them. He was brutally honest that way, whatever way that might be taken at the time. He did think she was good enough for him, in a lot of ways. But as he was about to start to reassure her when she said that she didn't know if they were going to be compatible long term. That one sentence right there broke his heart. He stiffened up a bit and started to chew on the inside of his cheek a bit. He wasn't the kind of guy to just date casually. He'd only had a handful of girlfriends in his life, and the ones in his adult life had been ones that he'd wanted to try and make them work long term. If she was bringing it up now...then clearly she had her doubts. He was committed fully, he wanted to take her as is. But the fact that she was saying it might not be a long term thing, hurt. It hurt him deeply, and sort of felt like a slap in the face. How the fuck did he not see this coming? He wasn't going to hold it against her, since it was how she felt, but at the same time, it didn't hurt any less.
He sighed a bit before letting her go and started pacing again, he knew the silence was awkward and right now he just needed to catch his thoughts. "You're in or you're out, Alicia. Because I don't date short term. " he said forcing himself to remain calm at the moment. Though, he wasn't sure how good of a job he was doing. "I love you, but if you don't think it's going to work out long term, then we need to end it." he said trying to make this sound not as harsh as it was. But it was how he felt, and that didn't feel wrong. "Because I don't want to be waiting around for something that might not happen." in his head it was black and white. If she wanted to work on things and try their damnest to go the distance, then he was in. But, just her even bringing up not being compatible long-term, already put enough doubt into him as to her level of commitment. "I'll even brake it off so you don't have to be the bad guy." he said grabbing his jacket and draping it over his massive arm. "You need to do what's right for you." he said his heart feeling like it was shattering right now. "And if this isn't it, then it isn't. I ain't goin' to hate you for it."
*****
He took that every differently from how she meant it. She was just trying to be honest, trying to talk through everything and make sure that they were going to wokr. She didn't expect him to give her an in or out, basically and altimatum. If she didn't decide that second was it all over? All because she wanted to talk about it and make sure they were. There had been a few things over the couple of months before losing their memories that had been very hard for both of them she thought.
"What?" She said shocked as her mouth fell open. "I said I wanted to talk about it, I didn't realize that it was all so black and white for you that me even bringing it up meant that...." She pauced. "Relationships aren't black and white Cormac." Pursing her lips she started to feel her heart shatter, her bottle want to fall over. What had she just done? Did she really just ruin things with him? Did she really just make it a black and white issue without meaning to? She meant to talk about it and figure it out together but this is not what she expected. To be possibly ending the relationship.
She was confused, she was hurt, she just got back all of her memories and hell it was confusing on its own. Alicia felt like she was thrown under a spot light and had to decide something extremely major to her in that very second. In or out, no room to talk, no room to check, no room to even try and make sure. If she'd known sharing her fears would lead to this she wouldn't have said anything, but than that wasn't a good answer.
She felt like she hated herself. Which was true and now that she felt like she HAD to have an answer that minute while he had his coat and looked like he was just going to walk out if she didn't give him an answer that second she was terriffed, dear in a headlights terrfied. If he walked out with her giving him an answer that would be the answer and she was horrified and everything about her expression, her stance and her eyes said that.
~~~
Cormac pinched the bridge of his nose. He hadn’t meant it as an ultimatum. To him, it wasn’t. It was just him trying to get a clear answer out of her. She loved him, but she wasn’t sure that they’d last. She wanted to be with him, but she didn’t. Yes, sure, she was being honest. He could appreciate that, he loved that about her. But it also didn’t feel like the conversation was making any headway except for zoning in on how he might want to raise any hypothetical children. And he felt like he’d made a huge compromise in that. One that he was more than happy to make, but one that he had made nonetheless. Because he loved her. And he wanted her around. And he would do just about anything to keep her happy. But he also couldn’t help but feel like it just wasn’t enough. It never really was for anyone was it?
He sighed a bit. “I’m not saying we can’t talk about it. But you have to understand you’re kind of freaking me out when you say that you think that we might not be compatible long term.” he tried to explain leaving the door open. Did he want an answer to if they were still together or not. Yes. Did he want it soon. Yes. But did it have to be this very second, no. But preferably, he’d like it before he had to head to work. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be sure how to react to anything. And he doubted very much he’d be able to hide any of this from anyone when he went to work. “I want to work this out, Als. I do.” he started to blink back a few tears and moved closer again. “But I don’t know what I need to fix here. I thought we were fine before the memory loss, but I guess I was wrong. What can I do to fix this? Is there anything? Am I barking mad for thinking any of this?” He was really trying hard not to cry right now, he was digging his fingernails into his palm to keep the tears at bay, though he was sure that she could see it in his eyes right now. “I know we need to be honest with each other, but about what?” that seemed to be the question here. If anything, he was honest, but he wasn’t exactly sure what the problem was.
*******
Her eyes traveled from his eyes to his hands. She knew him well enough to know what he was doing, to know that he was trying not to cry. she lost that battle a while ago and seeing him this hurt was just hurting her even more. It was hard to even figure out how to word her worries. It was hard to admit even to herself that the attack she got from Oliver really had messed with her, really had made her feel like she wasn't going enough for Cormac. Like she was horrible and unfair and two some weeks to think about it wasn't helping in dealing with the issue either.
"I want us to work long time, I really do." Alicia said trying to be as firm about it as possible. "I want things to be good, I want us both to be happy, and guess I'm not really sure that you have been happy." Hell, she had thought about that a lot. A lot when she didn't even really know who he was. She thought that maybe she wasn't good enough for him that she didn't make him happy, that he wasn't happy. She had admitted to feeling like she was being pushed out and that hurt. She felt like she lost a best friend and lost some of the things she loved to share with Cormac. It was stupid, but it was what it was and she was heartbroken about it enough already.
"Forgetting the fact that we are stuck here, we need to figure out what is next." Alicia said thoughtfully as she reached out and took his hands with both of hers. Fuck it, she wasn't going to let him make his hands bleed because he didn't want to cry. No. They were going to work this out and if that meant they both dodged work and got in serious trouble, that was what it was.
~~~~
In some ways he really needed to hear that with all of that conviction. His biceps tightened a bit as he realized that maybe he had let her think he was unhappier than normal. Was he always happy? Probably not, but he wasn’t down right miserable either. Comrac just wasn’t the kind of guy to run around with a big dopey grin on his face. He wasn’t Chambers. But did that mean he was being a miserable bastard? Not really. But the last week or so in Italy, yeah, he’d pretty much avoided everyone if he could help it. He had needed time to lick his wounds, and get through all of his emotions. And really, he’d been drinking pretty heavily the night that they’d showed up here. And the memory loss hadn’t really helped. He hadn’t gotten his own back not but a little while ago. And until then he’d focused on quidditch and spending time with people he did remember, or had gotten to know because he couldn’t remember, or finding driftwood and making something out of it. It had kept him from thinking too hard. “It’s not you that’s made me unhappy. Hell, it’s probably one of two good things I had goin’ before we got trapped here.” He really started to wonder how much he’d told her or tried to get out rather, when that night Ireland got kicked out. “‘ve been blamin’ meself for a lot of things that I can’t really control. Been tryin’ to reconcile the Beast and myself.” The Beast meaning who he was on the pitch. He’d been dubbed the Beast of Ballycotten a while ago, and after some of the matches he had during the WC it just came to ahead. It was half the reason he had a giant kraken tattoo on his right forearm now. The hand he held his bat with. “Yeah, I was annoyed with you tryin’ to pick fights with me, I knew you were goin’ through a hard time, but I didn’t want to make it worse on you so I just let you go, and that just weighed on me. I didn’t think you stopped loving me, I was just...a punching bag at times. And I thought you just needed to get it out of your system. Probably not the brightest idea I’ve ever had but...I was trying. Doing what I thought was right.” He wasn’t good at this. But he was trying really hard right now.
He looked down when she took his big bear hands into her smaller ones. The contact made him feel a bit better, like maybe not all was lost. And he found himself sinking to his knees and resting his head onto her stomach. Comrac had to close his eyes for a moment. God he loved her, and this sucked. But all wasn’t lost, and that felt like a weight off of his massive shoulders right now. “Aye, that we do.” he said after clearing his throat. “So do we try for a while then?” he asked his voice still thick with emotion.
*****
"You have to talk to me if I'm picking fights or doing anything like that, that is hurting you. I sometimes don't know, and I don't want to hear about it from anyone else." She didn't add especially Oliver, that was a problem for another day. She did love him him more than she even realized sometimes. "I love you." She added. "You can come to me, talk to me, tell me I'm being unfair, get me to admit it." Sure she might scream at him but at least she knew that he wouldn't take it totally personally and might actually help her get to the point where she admitted the problem. If Elle had her way she'd be dead.
When he fell to the ground she wrapped her arms around his head and pulled him closer for a minute, it was scary to think about the fact that she was going to lose him and for a while there she thought she was.
"We really do." She told him. "Yes." Alicia added with conviction. "I'm not losing you." She didn't add the yet, but she had almost, partly due to the problems she was feeling and the fear she had of losing him.
Dropping to the ground herself, and on her knees she was still a good deal shorter she ended up needing to crouch more as she kissed him.
~~~