Cassidy Roper (actwrite) wrote in novsila_rpg, @ 2015-01-30 23:02:00 |
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Entry tags: | *aimee, *lena, cassidy roper, ryan mclaggen |
Who: Cassidy Roper and Ryan McLaggen
When: Night, January 30th
Where: His flat
What: A visit to try and make up
Rating: Language and coupley things
Status: Complete when posted.
Cassie had remembered to throw a coat on over her outfit that night but that was for equal parts modesty and warmth. If she’d been going to see anyone else, she’d have put on a pair of pants with that dress (because it was a dress - just very short) but it was Ryan she was going to talk to. She couldn’t pinpoint exactly when it happened or even how it had happened but she’d figured it out - how to let go completely of the bad parts of their past so that she could trust him, so that they could avoid a mess like she’d made the next time those rumors came up, so that they could move forward. She just had to hope that Ryan would be willing to give her a chance, that while she’d taken these two weeks to figure out how to make it possible for them to work - he hadn’t spent them deciding he didn’t want to try. That would be the worst thing he could say to her that night. She knocked on the door, the nervousness she’d felt last time nothing compared to what she was feeling right now. *** Ryan had been pretty miserable ever since he'd let Cassie walk out of his flat two weeks ago. Misery on Ryan showed up as a lot of drinking and picking fights, the evidence of which lingered on his skin. Several bruises, some of them fading and some of the fresh decorated his face and there were more hidden under the clothing he wore. That was how he dealt with being upset, though. It was how he coped with the feeling that he'd lost Cassie for good, no matter what she said about this breakup only being for a couple of weeks. On top of his broken heart, Ryan was deeply worried about Erin. They still hadn't found the person who was stalking her and he knew it was wearing on the girl who was like a sister to him. He'd actually been thinking of checking up on her when he heard the knock on his door. Surprised, he moved to answer it and his eyes widened slightly as he saw who was standing on the other side. "Cassie?" Ryan blinked, wondering if he was really seeing her standing there. It certainly wouldn't be the first time he'd dreamed of her in the past two weeks, so the thought that she was a mere apparition was a lot more like in his mind than her actually really standing there on his doorstep. *** Cassie frowned when she saw the bruises on his face. She hadn’t been expecting to see that and she knew him well enough to know that there were probably more that she couldn’t see. “I told you a couple of weeks was all I needed Ryan,” she told him, eyes searching his face. “I know I remembered my coat this time but it’s still cold out here. Could I come in so we can talk? Please?” Now that she was standing in front of him her nerves were changing to fear. Everything hinged on whether he’d let her inside or not. *** Ryan nodded and stepped aside so she could get through the doorway. "Yeah, come in," he grunted softly. He hadn't been thinking about the weather or any semblance of manners in the moment where he'd stood there shocked, unable to believe she was really there. He couldn't really admit to her, though, that he'd expected a couple of weeks to turn into months and then years and then maybe forever. Instead, he turned toward the small kitchen as they moved further into his flat. "Do you want something to drink? I've got beer or water, food too if you're hungry." *** Cassie slipped past him, starting to undo the buttons of her coat as she walked into his flat, taking it off and draping it over the back of a chair as she turned to face him. “Maybe after we’ve talked some. Or at least until after I’ve told you this - I do trust you Ryan. Completely. And I’m sorry that I had to take time away from you to figure that out. But when I’m with you - all I remember is the good parts and I need to be able to do that when it’s been a few days since I’ve gotten any real time with you. Because we both know our work schedules make things difficult sometimes. Or at least mine does. And there’s going to be times in the future when something’s going on with someone important to us and we want to be there for them,” she stopped, looking at him for a second, playing with her bracelets without realizing it. “The past two weeks, every time I thought about our past, about us - I only remembered the good parts. The parts that made me fall in love with you,” she said. The last time they’d talked she’d been in tears, but tonight she was calm and in control because she needed to be. *** Ryan had prepared himself for the worst. Throughout these last two weeks, he’d expected her to decide she couldn’t trust him at all and a part of him thought she must be here to end things with him for real. As she spoke, it became obvious that wasn’t why she was here and he tried to force himself to be patient and to let her get everything she needed to say out. He didn’t even remember crossing the room, but by the time she had finished, Ryan was standing in front of her and pulling her into his arms. He wasn’t crying, but his eyes were moist and the expression on his face was completely open as he looked down at his girlfriend. This couldn’t be another dream. She felt so solid and warm in his embrace as he pulled her against him. *** Cassie wrapped her arms around his neck as Ryan pulled her close, the fear and nervousness both disappearing as she looked up at his face. He wasn’t going to tell her he didn’t want to give her another chance. To give them another chance. Although there was a tiny part of her that worried that what she still needed to tell him might change that. But he’d made a good point the last time they’d talked - they were both public figures and more than likely it was going to come out anyway and she’d rather him find out from her than from the tabloids because she didn’t want to keep things from him. She just wanted to enjoy this for another moment or two before telling him because she wasn’t sure exactly how he’d take it. She wanted to kiss him but she wouldn’t - not until after she’d told him what had happened. Not until she knew that she’d told him everything and they were going to be together again, they were going to be okay. She took a deep breath, mentally preparing herself for whatever fallout might come from this next sentence. “Kevin and I kissed. While you and I were apart - he and I kissed.” *** Ryan pulled Cassie close, breathing in her scent and closing his eyes for a moment. He was about two seconds from kissing her and putting an end to any conversation when she spoke again. With that admission from her, Ryan dropped his arms and stepped back. It would have hurt less if she’d slapped him, not that she would probably do that much damage compared to the physical abuse he’d put his body through in the last couple of weeks anyway. “You what?” he asked, staring at her as though she’d just announced she was growing another head or a tail or something. Ryan was the unfaithful one. Cassie - she’d never strayed, not once. Wasn’t that why his behavior over her having some possible future kid with someone else had been so unacceptable? Because she would never actually get together with someone else. And yet she had. She’d let someone else kiss her. Ryan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He was unbelievably hurt and yeah he was also a little pissed off. *** Cassie pulled her arms away as Ryan stepped back, tugging the hem of her dress down since it had ridden up slightly while he’d been holding her. That was the real problem with wearing this dress. The hurt on his face made her feel even worse than she already did over what had happened with Kevin. She’d hurt so many people that she loved the last few weeks and she was going to have to face the consequences of that - whatever those might be. “I didn’t plan on it Ryan. Kevin’s one of my best friends, you know that.” Or at least Kevin had been. She was pretty certain that friendship was one she’d lost. “After I left the last time I went to his flat to apologize for something I’d said to him and he and I talked for awhile that night. And then started spending a lot of time together over the last two weeks - as friends. We went out to dinner after the match last weekend, to celebrate the win and and the play being done and we kissed.” *** “Is that supposed to make it all right, then? That you didn’t plan it? Do you think I planned any of the times I fooled around with someone else?” Ryan was unbelievably hurt hearing she’d kissed someone else. Clearly, she’d wanted to, whether it had been planned or not. After all the shite she’d given him for being jealous or angry after that damn future kid of yours and now she was standing here telling him she’d actually kissed someone else? After swearing to him that he was the only one she wanted? *** There was a part of her that wanted to lash out, to go on the defensive in the face of Ryan’s questions, remind him that they’d been dating the times he’d fooled around, but she fought it down. He had a right to be upset and she knew that and that getting defensive would only make this problem worse - and bringing up those past times wouldn’t show him that she was being honest about letting them go. Even though he was the one who brought them up. Getting defensive wouldn’t eliminate the guilty feeling she felt either. And she did feel guilty. “Of course it’s not supposed to make it all right,” Cassie told him quietly. She swallowed before continuing. “I know that it doesn’t make it all right, that nothing would make it all right. And I never thought you planned on it Ryan. I never thought that.” She was trying to hold on to that calm but it was difficult and despite her best efforts her voice wavered a bit. “But I’m telling you. It was a kiss Ryan - nothing more. And it’ll never happen again.” *** It may have been only a kiss, but it still hurt. It still killed him to picture someone else’s lips on Cassie’s. There was a part of him that wanted to run right out and beat the hell out of the other man for daring to touch his girl. Only Cassie hadn’t been his girl, not technically. Not that knowing that made him feel any better. “Why’d you do it?” he asked quietly, refusing to look at her because he didn’t want her to see the hurt in his eyes. “If it was really nothing, if I’m really the one you want, why’d you kiss him?” *** The quiet hurt in his voice hurt her almost as bad as if he’d slapped her. She wanted to go over and touch him but she didn’t know if he’d let her right now, if he’d pull away from her or not and she was too scared that he would to go over and find out. “Ryan - there’s no if to you being who I want to be with. Kevin or no Kevin - you’re who I want.” Cassie was starting to think maybe she should have taken him up on that beer before they started talking after all. It wasn’t her drink of choice, even when she was in the mood for something other than port - but a beer was starting to sound really good to her right then. “Ryan - I don’t know why I kissed Kevin. I do know that I don’t want it to happen again.” She felt the tears starting to form in her eyes and she blinked them back. *** Ryan wanted to believe her. He wanted to believe that he was the only one he wanted to be with. That was just hard when she'd admitted to willingly kissing another man. It was even harder when she admitted that she didn't know why she'd done it. "Was it payback? For all the times I've-" Maybe it was just karma. He'd been unfaithful to her so many times. He'd fucked around and he'd taken her for granted. It didn't matter than he'd been true to her for months now. He knew how much he'd fucked up in the past, so maybe he deserved this. Maybe he deserved to be the one hurting like this. *** Cassie just stared at Ryan for a second in shock when she heard that question. “Ryan - how could you even -” she had to stop so that she could get herself back under control when she heard the pain in her voice. “Of course it wasn’t payback. I would never do that. I would never use someone like that.” She was fighting to stay calm, to keep from crying and a part of her realized that his questions - were logical. *** Because it was what he deserved, that was why, but Ryan knew deep down that wasn't Cassie. She wouldn't use someone else in that way, even if she wanted to make him hurt. The end result was the same, though, because he was hurt. He was trying not to show it and failing miserably. "Do you have feels for him?" He couldn't help asking. She'd said that he was the one she wanted, but he just couldn't understand - Cassie wasn't like him. He wasn't the type to kill blokes just for the hell of it and he needed to understand why she'd done it. *** Did she have feelings for Kevin? Maybe if she hadn’t given her heart to Ryan years ago something could have happened with Kevin - but she had given it to Ryan. But she’d have been lying if she said she didn’t care for the other man. “Not like I do for you. Nowhere near that,” she told him. She had to be honest with him - that was part of trusting someone right? Making it possible for there to be trust? There had to be honesty there. Cassie bit down on her lower lip, staring at Ryan’s face, waiting to hear what he’d say. She hadn’t meant to hurt him. That had never been what she wanted to do. *** It wasn't exactly what Ryan wanted to hear, but it was better than the possible answers that had been running through his mind when he'd asked the question. Maybe he was being stupid. She loved him, she wanted to be with him. That's what was important. "C'mere," he whispered gruffly, not giving her much time to comply before he reached out and pulled her back into his arms. He didn't really have the words right now to say what he needed to, but like usual, he hoped that his actions would speak for him. *** Cassie didn’t fight Ryan at all as he pulled her back to him and she wrapped her arms around him and leaned her head against his chest for a second, relaxing. She couldn’t tell him how scared she’d been that she’d blown it completely. She let out a relieved breath and lifted her head from his chest to look up into his face. “I don’t want to do this again. Not be with you again,” she told him quietly. “And I’m sorry for hurting you.” She stretched up slightly to give him a soft kiss, giving into the temptation that had been there since the minute he’d put his arms around her for the first time that night. *** Ryan nodded at her words. He completely agreed. Being apart was miserable. Even though a part of him was still hurt by the knowledge that she had kissed someone else during that time, this felt better, holding her. Rather than answer her verbally, Ryan tightened his arms around her and what started as a tender, more innocent kiss quickly grew to something more. Ryan deepened it and his hands slid down her sides before starting to tug on her dress, intent on getting her out of it as quickly as possible. “Stay here tonight,” she whispered when he finally lifted his lips from hers, but he didn’t exactly give her time to answer before he claimed her mouth once more. Ryan McLaggen might not be very good with words, but he was very, very good at showing his girlfriend just how he felt. |