Cassidy Roper (actwrite) wrote in novsila_rpg, @ 2015-01-22 20:57:00 |
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Entry tags: | cassidy roper, ryan mclaggen |
Who: Cassidy Roper and Ryan McLaggen
When: January 13, A few hours after this post
Where: His house
What: Cassie was an idiot and wants to apologize
Rating: Low, unless you find breakups traumatic
Status: Complete.
When Cassie actually stopped and thought about it she’d realized how stupid she’d been to believe the rumor. Not because Ryan hadn’t given her reasons in the past to think he’d cheat on her but because she knew Erin. Even if Erin hadn’t been dating someone, she wasn’t the type of girl to help someone cheat - and she knew that Ryan looked at Erin like a little sister. The only explanation she could possibly offer for how stupid she’d been was that she was exhausted and stressed from over committing herself this month. And while she knew it didn’t excuse her behavior, nothing could do that, she hoped that it would help her explain to Ryan where her mind had been when she heard it. She knew she owed Erin an apology too and she’d give her one, but right then apologizing to Ryan seemed more important, which was why she’d come over to his house. She was nervous as she knocked on his door - something she hadn’t been in ages when coming to see him - and wishing she’d thrown a jacket on over her outfit before coming over. She didn’t let herself get too wrapped up in thinking about the cold though. She wouldn’t be out in it for much longer. Either Ryan would open the door and they could talk inside or she’d go home. Either way she’d be somewhere warm. *** Ryan hadn’t really given a shit about the rumors at first. He didn’t really care what most people thought of him. Yeah, he could be an asshole. He’d made plenty of enemies and most of the time he just really didn’t give a shit. Only two things about the situation could really upset him. One of those was that Erin was hurt by what people were saying about them. Erin, who was like a sister to him. He was just as protective over her as he was his actual sister. Then there’d been Cassie actually believing they were true. It wouldn’t be the first time he had cheated, yeah, whatever, but Cassie should know Erin wasn’t that kind of girl. Hell, she should know he wouldn’t ever touch Erin that way, too. He loved the girl, but there wasn’t anything romantic about it. With everything that was happening with Erin, Ryan was trying not to think about things with him and Cassie and just focus on his friend. The stalker was still out there and Ryan was worried about Erin. They didn’t have any idea who was behind the threats, he didn’t know how far this asshole would go, and he didn’t like the idea that something could happen to her. He was actually thinking about checking up on her again when he heard the knock at his door and moved to open it. Seeing Cassie there was a surprise. Ryan just stared at her, not speaking for a moment. Why did she have to look so damn- Fuck, all he really wanted to do was kiss her and forget anything had ever happened, but a part of him was still angry. Hurt. He didn’t even know what else. So, instead, he just crossed his arms in front of her and waited for her to say why she was here. *** Cassie didn’t even need to look up into Ryan’s face to tell he was angry, possibly even pissed - his body language told her that but he hadn’t slammed the door in her face so that was something right? She was fairly certain that she’d cried herself out before she’d come over but as she looked up at his face, verifying in his expression what she’d already guessed from how he was standing, she felt tears threatening again and she blinked them back quickly. She wasn’t going to cry in front of him if there was anyway she could avoid it. “I came over to apologize and try to explain where my mind was. I know it doesn’t excuse it, my believing it, but - I’m sorry Ryan. I wasn’t thinking if I had been I know you would never be with Erin that way. Can I...Can I come in so that we can talk? Please?” she hated the way her voice sounded like it was about to break, like she was about to break and start crying again. *** Ryan had to work to keep that hard look on his face, especially when it was obvious that she was upset. Yeah, he was pissed. She’d believed some gossiping assholes without coming to him, first. Her being so quick to believe the worst meant some part of her had expected him to cheat on her again. It meant she didn’t trust him and that didn’t just piss him off. It made him wonder how they were supposed to make it work. He stepped out of the way to let her in, because he absolutely couldn’t turn her away even if some part of him thought he was giving in too easily. “You know because Erin would never do something like that or you know because you trust me,” he asked once she was safely inside and the door shut behind her. *** Cassie stepped inside, turning to face him and having to fight the urge to hug him. Instead she wrapped her arms around her stomach as she looked at him. “I know because I know you and that you don’t feel that way about her.” She’d thought the nerves would die down once she was inside but they hadn’t, she was still nervous. And afraid that her mistake was going to be it for them and she didn’t want that. “I shouldn’t have believed it, I should have come to talk to you and find out what was going on. I know that. And the only explanation I can give you for why I didn’t is that I’ve been working on the radio show and the charity play and I’ve got another deadline coming up and I’m -” she had to cut herself off mid sentence because she’d been about to tell him about the invitation she’d gotten to be a presenter at the World Cup this year. Nothing was official and she wasn’t mentioning it to anyone yet because she didn’t want to tell people and then have it not come through. She didn’t want to jinx it. “I’m stressed and not getting enough sleep because there’s just not enough time in the day. And I told you I know nothing can excuse my believing it so blindly and stupidly.” *** “So, if it had been someone else, you’d still believe it.” It was a statement, not a question, because he knew it was true. She believed he was innocent this time, but only because she knew how he felt about Erin. She knew Erin was basically his sister. What if it had been someone like Lavender? He was positive he knew the answer to that. “What happens next time, Cassie? What happens the next time someone decides to start a rumor like this and it’s not about someone who’s basically a sister? Are you going to trust me or are you going to believe it? Because it wouldn’t be the first time, right? It wouldn’t be the first time I fucked around on you, so why not expect me to do it again?” Ryan was still pretty angry, which was probably obvious in his tone, but it was a good question. They both lived lives in the public eye and this probably wasn’t the first time a situation like this one would come up. *** Cassie couldn’t help but wince at the anger she heard in Ryan’s voice - not because she was afraid of him, she knew Ryan and that he wouldn’t do anything to her - but because she hated when he was angry at her. She hated fighting with him - even more so right now when she had to admit that it was her fault. This whole fight was her fault. She wanted to tell him that she’d trust him, because she did trust him, but she wasn’t sure she could promise him that. If something like this came up in the future and caught her in the same condition this one had - tired and stressed and hardly any time with him - she might believe it. Even if only for a little bit before realizing how stupid she was being. “I don’t know. I want to tell you that I won’t believe it but I can’t promise that. I do trust you Ryan,” she told him quietly, forcing herself to meet his eyes. *** “Do you?” A part of him wanted to accept what she was saying. He wanted to accept that she’d been over-worked and over-stressed and that under normal circumstances she would trust that he wouldn’t hurt her like that again. He couldn’t help doubting that, especially when she was admitting that she didn’t know, though. “If you really trusted me, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. It shouldn’t matter who it was. And if you don’t trust me completely, this isn’t going to work, no matter how much we might both want it to.” *** Cassie was trying not to cry as she listened to what he was saying, knowing that he was right. But that didn’t make it any easier to stand there and listen to. Any less painful - especially at his use of the word might about wanting them to work out. She nodded her head in response to his question, afraid that if she spoke she’d lose what little control she had over her tears. She swallowed hard before speaking. “I do trust you Ryan. And I want us to work because I love you” she said her voice getting quieter as she spoke tears starting to fall and she wiped them away. “I just can’t promise that I won’t...And if I tell you right now that I won’t react like this in the future - I’d be lying because I can’t promise that. Not right now. Not tonight.” She wished she could though. She loved him - more than she could say - but she couldn’t look him in the eye with 100% certainty and tell him that this had been a one time occurrence. Not right then. *** “That’s not trust, Cassie.” Ryan didn’t really know why he was pushing this when he should probably just be glad she’d figured out he wasn’t a cheater, at least not this time. Something told him that it was a fight they’d just keep having if she couldn’t trust him, though, and he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to have to wonder every time he spent time with another woman if it’d get back to her and she’d assume the worst. They were both public figures and gossip came along with that. There were going to be rumors and if they didn’t trust each other- well... Ryan knew if their roles were reversed, he would have laughed the gossip off. He knew beyond any doubt that Cassie wouldn’t do that. Maybe he was asking too much for her to have that much faith in him given how many times he’d fucked things up between them, but he knew their relationship couldn’t work any other way. He was ready to be serious about he, he’d actually been faithful this time, but what did it matter if she was just going to believe she was screwing around anytime some idiot started a rumor? *** Cassie wrapped her arms tighter around her stomach, almost like she was trying to hold herself together which in a way she probably was. Everything seemed to be falling apart all at once and it was her fault and she didn’t know how to fix it. And there was a tiny part of her that felt it would serve her right if she couldn’t fix any of it. She nodded her head, knowing that if she spoke her voice would break again and she’d just start crying even harder. She knew that he was right, the way she’d acted didn’t show her trust in him. And neither did the fact that she couldn’t promise him it wouldn’t happen again. She swallowed and looked up at him “You’re right,” she whispered, reaching up to wipe her eyes again with her hand. “I’m sorry. I can’t...I can’t tell you that enough.” *** Standing there, watching Cassie, Ryan couldn’t stay away. It wasn’t a good idea, but he moved forward and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against his chest. His own eyes were moist with tears he was trying his best to hold back. “I love you, Cassie, but we can’t do this every time some idiot decides I’m shagging one of my friends.” It was clear she didn’t really trust him and he wasn’t sure where that left them now. Ryan loved her. He didn’t want to end this. He just didn’t know how they could go on if she couldn’t trust him not to fuck around on him. “You’ve got to decide if you trust me, Cass. I mean really, really trust me. I know I haven’t given you a lot of reasons to, but we can’t be... us.. if you don’t.” *** Cassie couldn’t help it - when Ryan pulled her to him she wrapped her arms around him, crying as he held her. He was right - they couldn’t keep doing this. She needed to figure out how to let go of all the hurts in their past - completely let go of the things he’d done in the past because that was the only way she could trust him the way she wanted to and needed to be able to for them to work. She didn’t pull away from him as she looked up into his face, needing at least these last few minutes of him holding her in case what she was about to tell him was the final straw. She just had to hope it wouldn’t be. “You’re right - we can’t. We can’t keep doing this. Not this fighting. I want to trust you Ryan. To really trust you - completely.” She paused, the next part was what she was worried about telling him. Worried about what he’d say in response to it - what he’d do. “I need to figure out how to let go completely of what happened in the past when we were together. That’s...that’s the only way I can trust you that way. By letting go of the bad parts completely.” *** Ryan closed his eyes as he held her close. This was what he really wanted to do, to just hold her and forget all of this had ever happened. After what had happened over the summer, Ryan had realized how much Cassie really meant to him. He’d done his best to be faithful since, to be the kind of boyfriend she really deserved. He’d even more or less succeeded and he hated the thought that she couldn’t or didn’t trust him hurt. “So, what do we do now?” he asked her. She was right. She needed to figure out how to let go of the past and to trust him. That meant that she didn’t trust him now. That hurt, but he’d already figured it out from the way she’d reacted to the rumors about him and Erin. *** Cassie took a deep breath and closed her eyes as the answer to his question hit her. This wasn’t something he could help her with. She needed to figure out how to let go of the past completely without him. As odd and wrong as it felt to her on some level to be doing that without him, to be figuring out how to trust him without him helping her with it, she knew it was the only way to do it. “Ryan if I’m going to figure out how to do that - you can’t help me with it. I have to figure out how to let go of all of the bad things without you,” Cassie told him, new tears falling down her cheeks. She hated the words she was saying to him. She hated having to say them, they went against everything she wanted which was a life with him. *** “What are you saying, Cassie?” Some part of him knew, but he didn’t want to admit it. He didn’t want her to be suggesting what he thought she was suggesting. Ryan meant what he’d said. They couldn’t keep going if she didn’t trust him. That didn’t mean he liked the alternative, though. That didn’t mean he wanted to end things between them, but he was starting to think that was what she was suggesting. *** Cassie hated the tension she saw in his face, knowing that it was there because of her, because of what she was saying. “I’m saying that if I’m going to figure this out so that we can be us and move forward with our relationship - we need to take a break. Take some time apart. A couple of weeks,” she told him. “So that I can let go of all the bad. Please? Just a couple of weeks,” she added. “We’re both going to be busy for awhile anyway so we wouldn’t be getting to spend much time together as it is.” She didn’t know who she was trying to convince this would be okay more - her or him. The idea of this was killing her, she knew it was bothering him too but she could only guess how much. *** "You want us to break up." Ryan didn't even bother to hide how not thrilled he was with that idea. He actually thought it was a pretty stupid one. How was time apart supposed to help her learn to trust him? It sounded to him like she was just looking for an excuse to end things between them. No, he didn't think this would be okay. He didn't have much confidence that it would really only be for two weeks or that taking a "break" was really going to fix anything, but Ryan had his pride and he wasn't going to beg her to stay, either. "Fine, yeah, whatever. If that's what you want." *** “No. I don’t want us to break up. What I want is to go into your bedroom, slip into one of your shirts and spend the rest of the night curled up next to you. But that won’t fix this. That won’t help fix us.” Cassie told him, fighting the part of her that wanted to just take it back, forget she’d ever suggested it. To just ask if they could go to bed, get some sleep and figure out the rest in the morning. But a part of her knew that if she did that - they’d still be stuck where they were and eventually their relationship would be over. Permanently and she didn’t want to think about that. She didn’t want that to happen. “This isn’t what I want to do. But I think it’s the only way either of us will ever be certain that I’ve let all that go.” *** That was what Ryan wanted, too. Well, truth be told, he wanted to get her out of what she was wearing and forget anything at all was wrong with them for awhile, but he knew that wouldn’t solve anything between them. He wasn’t convinced her idea was the best one, either. A part of him doubted they would come back together after this break. But if that was what she wanted, then fine. He’d give it to her. “Then you should probably go,” he said, stepping back from her. It wasn’t what he wanted, but he wasn’t going to beg her to stay or to reconsider. And he knew if she didn’t go now, they really would end up back in his bedroom. *** Cassie would have preferred Ryan yell at her instead of just stepping back and telling her she should probably go. It wouldn’t have hurt so much somehow. But she didn’t have time to figure that out right now. Not while she was standing in his house. Because if she stayed any longer - she wouldn’t be able to hold to her decision. As bad as it hurt - she couldn’t shake the feeling that this was what she needed to do. So that she could trust him that way and know that next time, because she wasn’t going to fool herself and think that this wasn’t ever going to get said again, she wouldn’t react anywhere near how she had this time. “Probably.” There was something unmistakably sad in her voice as she said it. She stared at him another minute before heading to the door, pausing for a second as if she was going to say something else and then thought better of it, opening it and stepping outside. The tears didn’t start falling again until after she’d gotten away from his porch, a part of her wondering how she could still think this was the right thing to do when it hurt so badly. |