Who: Sean Jackson seanjackson & Holden Wilson holdenwilson When: April 13th, sometime after this Where: 115A Holden’s Apartment What: A reunion between lovers Rating: PG-13ish Warnings: Hot dudes. Wait, is that a warning? Well it is now. Talks of coming out, sex, and language. Status: Closed/Complete GDoc
Coming out had been easy. Sean had made up his mind after the fender-bender that he wasn’t going to let himself stand in the way. Going home to an empty house had been the hard part. Sean didn’t truly believe that Holden would be there the moment he arrived home, and to be frank he didn’t even know if he would come home.
Sean might not have been the sharpest tool in the shed, but he wasn’t a full on moron. The likelihood of Holden coming back home was low, but he had hope. He’d had so much hope that he’d fallen asleep in his chair close to the door, with a warm fire crackling low. Sean had professed his love the best way that he knew how, by saying that he was gay on national television. He had no idea if he had a career or not after that, but to be quite honest Sean didn’t care anymore.
Holden had come home, only to wake him up and surprise him with that warm smile and loving look in his eyes. Sean had spent the night asking for forgiveness, loving Holden the way he deserved to be loved.
He planned on doing that for the rest of his life, or for as long as Holden would have him.
Sean had completely expected to roll over the next morning and wrap his arm around Holden, but instead he woke up feeling hot all over, and ---gritty? After hastily pulling on his lounge pants, thank God they were there, he tried to make sense of what was happening. Not a lot of it made any sense at all to him, so he did the one thing that did and he headed to the apartment he’d been given.
“Great…” he muttered to himself as soon as he stepped over the threshold, it wasn’t the Ritz but it would do. He tossed his things down on the bed in the room that held his things, and made a quick post on the network before going to take a quick shower to wash the sand off his body.
By the time Sean made it back a woman had posted to him. They went back and forth a bit, but the idea that Holden wasn’t there made Sean want to cry although he’d never admit to it. Instead he dressed in a pair of jeans and t-shirt, when his cell phone went off again. A smile turned up the corners of his mouth as he saw Holden’s name. They talked for a little bit, Sean was shocked to learn that he hadn’t actually made it home, but it didn’t matter. He was there, and that was what mattered the most to him.
Sean did a little looking around on the device to find out where his room was located and without another word, he started toward Holden’s apartment. Standing outside the door, he knocked, “Hey, it’s me.” He called through the door, waiting impatiently for his lover to open up.
~*~
Abu Dhabi was hot. Sean Jackson was sexy enough to set a man's soul on fire, but the city of Abu Dhabi was beyond fiery hot. It was hot enough to make a man regret his decision to come visit much less to head there to do business. Holden Wilson had been doing business there for the last two years on and off. He'd had to get over the heat, the backwards behavior of the people, even the distance from his---home.
The last part had been the easiest since he'd realized he didn't have a true home. Holden had shared space with the football player, but it'd only been on Sean's terms. Their entire relationship had been on Sean's terms with the exception of when they were in bed together and what did that mean? That Sean let him call the plays in the sack so it would make up for hiding him away as if he were a dirty little secret?
It hadn't been enough.
In the end, it'd not been close to enough.
Holden remembered the exact day he'd decided to simply stay in Abu Dhabi. It'd been shockingly easy. Sean had been with his team. The season wasn't over which meant he wouldn't realize he was gone for a while. There would not be a messy scene where they had to talk it out which would translate to Sean kissing him until he stopped trying to talk and they had sex on the floor as if it made anything better.
He'd had a cleaning crew come in to box up and donate or recycle anything he couldn't use.
Packed enough bags to where he was worried about making it through customs with his suits.
Then he'd went back to business in the United Arab Emirates.
He'd been shocked to see Sean Jackson confessing his homosexuality on television when everyone knew he was in danger this draft season. It had been the worst possible time to make such a declaration yet he'd done it with a smile on his face. Sean hadn't cracked. Holden had wanted nothing more than to be there, holding a hand up for quiet, and helping direct the questions with more aplomb than that woman -Kara- could manage.
Smiling at the noise from his door, Holden went over to open it, "Of course it's you. Who else would it be? I hardly think anyone here is interested in knocking on my door now. Give me some time though. I'll make a few friends. I always do."
He stepped back to let Sean pass him into the apartment.
"What would you like me to tell people in regards to us when I do make some acquaintances? Am I college friend of your brother's? An old scout? What do you want me to say here?"
~*~
Sean gave Holden a lopsided smile. He had no doubts in Holden’s ability to make friends. The guy never met a stranger as far as Sean could tell. “You never know here.” He lifted his shoulders in a shrug before moving into the apartment.
The question caught him off guard, and he turned quickly face screwed up into confusion. Sean didn’t blame Holden for asking him that. How could he? The guy had spent the last three years of his life being a secret, but did he really expect any of what he’d said to change now that they were here?
Maybe he did, and while Sean might be a lot of things, he didn’t go back on things he said.
Taking in a deep breath, Sean let it out slowly. “You can tell them that we’re lovers, you’re my partner, my boyfriend, whatever you want as long as they know we’re together. I don’t plan on taking back what I said during the press conference just because we were moved to a different place with different people. I mean those words, and I’ll say them again for everyone here to know if you want that.” Shifting his weight, Sean shoved his hands down into his pockets, and lifted one shoulder in a shrug again. “If you still want us to be together that is. It’s not my call, but I’m seriously hoping you say yes.”
Sean wouldn’t admit how afraid he was in that moment. Holden hadn’t made it back to the house yet, he hadn’t woken Sean up and none of last night had happened. The way he’d talked, however, led Sean to believe that everything was going to be alright. Was Holden yanking his chain now, or then even?
Pulling one hand free, he brushed his fingers through his hair only to stop at the back of his head and rubbed. “Tell me what you want, Holden. I’ll do it without any question.”
~*~
"I don't want to be a dirty little secret anymore. I want you to tell me you mean it and mean it when you say you aren't ashamed of me. I graduated from Yale. I was top of my class. I grew up queer in New York in an area where the word 'metrosexual' did not exist and I never lied about who I am, but you made me do that. You made me a liar. Never again. That's what I want. I want honesty in private and I want honesty in public."
They weren't either of them PDA people. Their reputations had plenty riding on them to keep the pair of them discreet, but there was a difference between discreet and dishonest. Holden couldn't be dishonest any longer. It ate at him. He had nightmares about what it'd felt like to be beaten as a boy until he'd been able to defend himself. The last thing he wanted was to become that scared child again.
His parents loved him for the gay man he was and he felt as if he were betraying that love by hiding who he really was for the sake of a man who might not really love him.
Sean Jackson had stepped out with women to events. He couldn't show up alone. They both knew there were certain expectations of him in the locker room. People wanted their ideal of a football superstar. They didn't want to think about him as some guy who had no life off the field. He'd been to more parties, events, and clubs than Holden could name which said plenty given he nearly had every argument made in regards to the First Amendment memorized for reference in case he needed it.
Holden gave Sean a sad smile, "I want to believe you when you say you want to have a life with me. I want to know you're not going to fuck some supermodel to make yourself look like someone else's idea of a man when you know it makes my skin crawl to think about you coming home to me smelling like someone else. Too much?"
~*~
Guilt hit Sean hard, and he had to look away for a moment. He knew how much wrong he’d done by Holden. No one should ask a person to lie that much for them, and swear that it was in the name of love. Sean knew better than to ask that of him, and what would happen in twenty years when people started talking about how he hadn’t started his family or settled down?
He’d made a lot of bad choices in his life, loving Holden wasn’t one of those but asking him to lie? That was something he would spend the rest of his life regretting.
“No,” Sean spoke finally looking back over at Holden, “it’s not too much. I swear, I won’t make you lie about us, about any of this. I want people to know that we belong to each other. I’m not hiding anymore, and I’m tired of seeing that hurt look in your eyes when I ask you to.”
There had been nights that he’d sat up for hours upon hours thinking about that hurt look that Holden got after events. It’d made him sick, sick enough to where he couldn’t sleep or eat. Sean wasn’t ever going to ask that of him again, he wouldn’t, he couldn’t. It would be the end of them and the best thing he’d ever done? Was talk to Holden Wilson at that fucking gala.
“Just, for the record, I haven’t had sex with a girl since high school. So you definitely don’t have to worry about that, and Holden? I’ve only had eyes for you since the night we met.” That was the pure and simple truth, “I know sorry won’t begin to cover it, believe me, I hate that I put you through what I did and I’m going to spend the rest of my life asking for your forgiveness.”
~*~
High school had been a long time ago for Sean Jackson. He might still be Mr. Quarterback on the field for his team, but he wasn't a teenager by any stretch of the word. How had he managed to avoid having sex with a woman when he was so against being outed about his sexuality? Chastity was an option which was hard to swallow when Holden thought about Sean. The man oozed sex appeal. They'd voted him Most Eligible Bachelor in several major magazines and newspapers, not to mention what the web had to say about him.
Holden looked down at his feet. It'd definitely not been on his agenda to be chaste. He'd slept with---more people than he wanted to admit to Sean's face. In comparison to what Sean was saying, all his protests felt meaningless or at least paltry. He'd come onto Sean like a Mack truck at that gala. His best moves had worked like a charm and some of his second-best had gotten him more than laid.
What did Sean think about him for that? The way they met?
"Do you think you would have come forward sooner if it hadn't been me? If we had met in a different way? Not at some function where I worked you over with lines and convinced you to let me show you a good time, but maybe at a restaurant where I told you what was least likely to give you heartburn on the menu? Or at a newsstand where I suggested the best option to keep you amused during your morning commute? I wasn't---careful the way you're saying you were, Sean. I slept around. I slept around a lot. Monogamy and I didn't become friends until I hit thirty. Is that part of it? Why you wouldn't tell? You were ashamed since you're with some kind of slut like me?"
~*~
Sean waved a dismissive hand, “I don’t care about what-ifs. To me it wouldn’t have mattered how we met.” He shook his head, letting out a sigh. “No, it wasn’t that. I was afraid that my team would reject me because those guys? They would do it in a heartbeat no matter how open minded they say they are.” Locker room talk revolved around how much pussy a guy got, and who he was getting it from. Sean had always brushed it off, saying he didn’t remember her name when there wasn’t even a her and hadn’t been for too many years to count. He might’ve stepped out with women, but that didn’t mean he had any interest in fucking any of them.
“There isn’t a guy alive except for me that’s come out as a gay professional athlete. I know I committed career suicide when I did it, and I’d do it all over in a heartbeat. I’ve never been ashamed of you. I was scared, and being selfish.” That was the simple truth of the matter. Sean didn’t care how many guys Holden had slept with, and he was fairly certain that the two of them had been exclusive during their time together.
At least, he hadn’t been fucking around with anyone else.
“I don’t know what else to tell you.” He shrugged with a shake of his head, “This is all I’ve got, and I wish I hadn’t been scared and selfish.”
~*~
Athletes weren't new for Holden Wilson. He'd dated more than one in the past. They weren't professionals the way Sean was, but they had been involved in their sports. Most of them had been in NAGAAA -North American Gay Amateur Athletic Alliance- which likely influenced how open they were---since everyone was gay in NAGAAA. They weren't a PFLAG group where parents and friends were welcomed. They were a gay organization.
Had he been the closed-minded one somehow? Was it because he was too out? Sean could have handled it if he weren't so---what?
Holden knew he was beating the dead horse, but he wanted to take it all in, ask the questions now, do the right thing while he could. He couldn't handle having his heart broken again. Being a man didn't mean he was heartless. Losing a lover hurt. It was as bad as attending a funeral because, in a way, that person was dead to them in all the ways which mattered.
"I don't care anymore," he decided, "We're not at home. We're here. You say we make it at home, right? I wasn't planning a lecture. I wasn't planning on a talk. I wanted to touch your face. I wanted to kiss your lips. I wanted to tell you thank you for admitting who you are because to me? You didn't commit career suicide. You finally became alive."
He would fight for Sean's career, too. There wasn't anyone who knew more about anti-discrimination laws than him. They'd talked about how the NFL didn't have any policies regarding gay athletes either pro or con. Sexuality wasn't something they could discriminate against in their players. The End. Sean would have a career unless they decided not to draft him based on performance which was unfathomable.
His team had made it to the playoffs!
That was a big deal.
"I'll fight for you. Your career. Your happiness. I'll fight. I'll win, too. You've never seen me in court the way I've never seen you on the field in person. It's always been a thing we've missed, but I will go to bat for you and there is no way I'll lose. We? We're going to have it all because we deserve it, Sean, and because I love you. I was selfish, too, you know? I didn't think about the locker room gossip. I didn't think about any of it beyond how it felt to imagine you telling them about women when you were with me. I was jealous and petty and hurt. I'll fight for us though. We're worth it."
~*~
Relief flooded over Sean, and he didn't think he'd been happier. Well, except for last night, but that was neither here nor there. Sean lifted a shoulder, "I honestly don't care if I did or not. I told them I wanted to start a family, and I meant that." Sean did mean that. He wanted his own family, he wanted to have a life, children with Holden. He wanted to grow old with the man, hell, he wanted it all with him.
"We can make it, we will make it no matter where we're at. I'm confident in that." Sean's voice did speak volumes as to how he felt, there was no doubts lingering in the tone of his voice, nor was there any hesitation. He fully believed that they? They would be okay now.
He closed the distance between them, wrapping Holden up tightly in his arms without any second thoughts. He'd have done it out on the street had they been outside, hell, he didn't care, anyone that said anything would get their ass beat. Sean had told them that too at the press conference and he'd meant it too. He was tired of hiding, of not wanting the world to see how much he loved Holden. That? That wasn't fair to either one of them, but especially to Holden who had lived his life out in the open.
Pulling back, Sean's eyes searched over Holden's face. "No more fighting for anything. I just want to take this time to appreciate you, and what we have." Leaning forward he pressed his lips against Holden's, kissing him as if it was the last time he ever would ever get a chance to kiss him because Holden deserved to be appreciated like that.
They were worth it, and Sean knew that the moment Holden had walked into his life it was just now he was finally willing to admit it.