THE LONELY CITY DAY 2 | EARLY EVENING | RATING PG-13
⚠ Some kissing, discussion of sex, implied trauma history (asexuality related)
Ed visits Chris and fills him in on his encounter with the city's version of Stede, which leads to a conversation about their relationship.
When Ed woke up that morning, he’d been relatively certain that the hardest thing he’d have to do all day was move some boxes around down at the seaport. Maybe that was hubris, or maybe he just didn’t have enough experience with Derleth to be as suspicious of an easy day as he should have been – but, well, he’d certainly learned his lesson now.
Without a vehicle (or, more importantly, any knowledge of how to drive one even if he stole it), the walk to the park Chris lived in took him a while, but Ed didn’t mind. He needed the time to process everything that had just happened with Stede. Or... with someone who looked and acted like Stede but wasn’t, actually? Despite Ben’s explanation, Ed couldn’t quite wrap his head around that possibility. He’d seemed so real. Insane, sure, but real.
Maybe some part of him just wanted to believe that his feelings for Stede had been reciprocated, after all. Even if it was too late for them here. Some day Ed would get sent home, and he wouldn’t remember any of this, and it gave him just a little bit of hope to believe that there could still be a happy ending in store for him there.
Tucking his phone away in his pocket, he tried to put that thought out of mind too, as he stepped up to Chris’s trailer and knocked on the door.
Chris had been cooking because it was as good a way as any to spend the evening. Maybe Ed would want some comfort food. If not, he was sure he’d find some takers for it tomorrow. There was a curry simmering on the stove and flatbread baking in the oven. Putting down the wine he was drinking, he went to the door of the trailer and opened it.
“Come on in, Ed,” Chris reached out a hand and pulled him in, knowing this had probably been a tough day for him.
Ed allowed Chris to pull him inside, and then just kept on moving until he’d closed the distance between them, slipping his arms around the other man’s waist, his body practically melting against Chris’s. He wished they could go to bed right now, fall asleep, and pretend today had never happened, it was all just a terrible dream. But it did happen. Denial wouldn’t change that.
“It smells fucking amazing in here,” he said, mostly because he had no idea how to even begin talking about the experience he’d just had with what may or may not have been Stede.
Chris pulled Ed into a tight hug, running his fingers over Ed’s hair. “Hey now, I got you.”
He brushed his lips against Ed’s forehead before guiding him towards the couch. “Couldn’t just sit around doing nothing. You hungry? Curry should be ready.”
Ed collapsed onto the sofa with a heavy sigh, feeling some of the weight lift off his chest now that he was somewhere safe. He probably could have even fallen asleep right there, if not for the fact that he was, actually, fucking famished. “I could eat, yeah. Thanks. How was your day?” He was normally the type to fixate on his own problems to the exclusion of everyone else around him, but he was trying to get better about that, and besides, a distraction wouldn’t be the worst thing right now.
“Food first then, whiskey later.” Chris got to his feet, grabbing two bowls and filling them with rice and curry before grabbing some naan for each of them. He passed one bowl to Ed before joining him on the couch. “Hope you like a little heat.”
Chris shrugged. “Not too bad. Leg keeps breaking on one of the horses so have to fix it a couple of times a day which is tedious. Folks seem to enjoy the carousel though and the kitchen here is big enough to cook in so can’t complain too much. How did things go with Stede?”
Ed pouted a bit at the ‘whiskey later’ part, but didn’t actually protest. He was being fed, after all, and he was with Chris, and most importantly Stede couldn’t possibly find him here. Taking his bowl, he waited for Chris to sit down then stretched a leg out so their feet were touching.
“Well you’re doing a bang-up job in the kitchen, I can tell you that much,” he said between bites. He was going to have to ask more about that horse with the broken leg later, because there had to be a story there, but apparently Chris wasn’t going to let him put off the topic of Stede any longer.
“Yeah, it... wasn’t great,” Ed sighed. “He said the only reason he left, back home, was to sort things out with his wife, and once he did that, he came to find me again. Something about faking his death with a jaguar? I don’t know if any of that was even true – Ben said it probably wasn’t the real Stede, just some kind of magic construct. Which would explain why he couldn’t talk about anything except getting back together with me, but I didn’t know that at the time so I just thought he’d fucking lost it.” He stopped to take a breath. “It was brutal. I hope he was fake, ‘cause I can’t deal with that again.”
“Thanks.” There was an appreciative smile. It was always nicer to cook for people who enjoyed your food. He ate his curry, leg resting against Ed’s as they ate. What Ben was describing seemed to like what had happened at the fairie ball - with the not-Una.
“How does one tell the difference between the real and the magical here?” Chris asked. It wasn’t the question he wanted to ask, but all he had to go on at the faerie ball was his intuition, the little things that had seemed off about Una, not quite right. She was important to him - essential - but they didn’t have that type of relationship.
“How was he different from the Stede you knew?” he asked quietly.
Ed thought about that for a moment, frowning as he chewed and then swallowed. “He was just... one dimensional. I was the only thing he cared about. The real Stede would’ve had so many questions about this place – how we got here, what century we’re in, whether his crew was around. He didn’t ask about any of that.”
He took a bite of naan before adding, as casually as he could manage, “And I told him I was seeing someone and it’s like he didn’t even process what I said, he just kept going on about us getting back together. Wouldn’t take no for an answer.”
Maybe Ben was right and this was just a magical construct but the question still nagged at Chris’ mind since he’d read Ed’s post.
“I’d understand,” Chris said, voice caring and gentle. “If you wanted to try to work things out with him.”
It would hurt, of course, but it was far from the first or last time that would happen. Such was life when you opened yourself up and let yourself care for people. Hadn’t Hemmer said something similar to Uhura? Maybe it was time for the whiskey.
Ed didn’t dare look up from the bowl of curry in his lap as he shook his head. “I don’t, though. Even when I thought it was him... I didn’t want to. Maybe a week or two ago that would’ve been different, but–” He gave a small shrug. “That’s when I thought nobody else would ever actually want to be with me. Now I know that’s not true. And honestly? All I want now is... you.” It wasn’t a question, exactly, but his intonation went up at the end like it was, as he finally looked up at Chris for his reaction.
It was a lot, and even with all of Ed’s uncertainty, he’d been prepared to step aside. He didn’t know what he’d do if Vina showed up, for instance, or some of his other past loves. And he wasn’t sure if he was ready to be in a monogamous relationship - not with how much people disappeared and arrived. He’d seen how Loki and Sharon had been affected when Mobius disappeared.
Chris studied Ed, food momentarily abandoned. “You don’t?” It was confusion, mostly, with a dash of knowing that captains didn’t usually make good partners. But there was no ship here - at least not at the moment.
“Oh Ed...” Chris leaned in and kissed the other man tenderly. He wasn’t sure how Ed’s declaration related to their earlier conversations about not being exclusive, but it was probably time for whiskey. He got to his feet, grabbing the bottle and two glasses and pouring each of them a sizable amount, before passing one of the glasses to Ed and sitting down next to him. The highly decorated Captain Christopher Pike, at a loss for words - apparently it did happen every once in awhile.
It wasn't the worst reaction Ed could have imagined, but it didn't exactly give him much information either. Breaking out the alcohol didn't seem like a great sign, but then again, how would he know? This was literally his first relationship ever. What he'd had with Stede had been life-changing – there was next to no chance he would've been here with Chris today if that hadn't happened first – but one kiss hardly counted as a relationship. Especially when the other person abandoned you immediately afterward.
Maybe that was the problem. Who would want to be with a forty-something year old who'd never had a boyfriend before? At least with Stede he'd been on even ground in that respect. Chris had been married, and presumably not just the loveless, arranged kind of marriage like Stede's. Ed probably seemed like a teenager with a crush to him. And that was probably fair, actually. How could he even know if this was what love felt like? He had nothing to compare it to.
His thoughts were starting to spiral, and he accepted the glass of whiskey gratefully, downing a large gulp before he launched into damage control. “That doesn't have to change anything on your end, for the record. I'm not asking for that. I'm just saying... that being here, with you, it feels... right, to me. So that's what I want to focus on. For as long as this place will let me.”
Chris took a long, slow sip of the whiskey. It wasn’t the best quality, but at least it didn’t look like they were going to run out of it here. Maybe he didn’t know what he wanted. Maybe he just didn’t want to get betrayed again. Or to get attached to anyone. But he was already attached to Ed. That much was clear.
He kissed Ed again, slow and tender. Use your words, Chris, he could hear Una say in his head. “I guess I just thought if Stede showed up, he’d be your priority.”
The kiss stopped his spiraling thoughts in their tracks, and Ed’s shoulders relaxed as he leaned in to the touch, moving a hand to Chris's thigh as if to ground himself. “I mean, not gonna lie, kinda surprised me too,” he admitted. How many times had he cried himself to sleep at night, wishing Stede would show up saying exactly the sort of things he'd said today? And it wasn't like Chris had put any restrictions on him, either. He hadn't turned Stede down because he thought it would hurt Chris's feelings – or even because his own feelings were still hurt by Stede's past behavior, although that had played a part at first.
“I don't know. I don't know if Stede and I were ever actually... good for each other. He wanted me to be Blackbeard just as much as Izzy and Jack did, they just had different ideas of what that looked like. You're the only one who's ever actually seen me for me.”
“Aren’t you always a little bit Blackbeard?” Chris asked gently, running his fingers through Ed’s hair. “But I like you as you are, even if I am a bit curious to see you on a tall ship.”
“I guess.” Ed scooted closer to Chris on the couch, curling a bit so he could rest his head on the other man's shoulder. “When Stede and I first met, he asked if I worked for Blackbeard, and I was like... Yeah, actually, kinda. That's what it felt like sometimes, you know? Like it had grown out of my control and now I served it just as much as the rest of my crew did. I wouldn't mind sailing again, I'd just... want to do it as myself.” Of course he'd had that opportunity back home and he blew it, so it was only fair that he didn't get another chance.
Chris wrapped an arm around Ed, sipping his whiskey. “I can understand that. Sometimes it feels like Captain Pike is someone else. Sure, Chris becomes the captain, but is there a Chris without the captain?”
He took a long slow sip of the whiskey. “The memories I got - I’m still trying to sort through them all. But I took a leave from the Fleet. Wasn’t sure if I was going to come back, to sit in the captain’s chair again. And part of me was happy at my cabin with the open sky and the horses and everything. But now.. I don’t think that’s the path forward. I guess for me duty’s always going to be part of the equation. Hell, I don’t know where I’m going with this Ed...”
“You're saying the job always comes first for you?” Ed offered. ”I get that. Can't relate, but I've never had a job that actually did any good in the world.” He'd never needed that before, and maybe he still didn't, but he did at least wonder what it might be like. “But the job’s not here, right? And we are. For however long that might be. You'll go back eventually, and so will I, and we won't remember any of this even happened – which maybe should be an argument not to do it...”
He frowned slightly and took a sip of his whiskey. “I don't know. I don't like the universe telling me what to do. So what if it's not forever? I can't let the fear of loss guide all my decisions anymore.” He didn't know if he was actually addressing anything Chris was trying to express, but he was trying.
“Yes? I don’t know. On the ship, I try to make room for both - to not let the job become me. The captain’s dinners, shore leaves, etc - it can’t be all work. The crew needs relaxation. But to me, the ship is home, the crew is my family..”
Chris ran a hand over his eyes, thinking of the future, the accident, the radiation, the images that still haunted his dreams and his nightmares, even though he was making his peace with it. “I know the ship isn’t here, or the fleet, but I just can’t completely ignore it… or maybe that’s what I’m trying to do, throwing myself into the cooking and helping Sharon with her work..”
The crease in Ed's brow deepened, and he waited for Chris's hand to drop from the man's face before taking it in his own, interlacing their fingers. “I'm not asking you to ignore it, Chris,” he said gently.”Or are you saying... that's what this is about?” He gestured vaguely between them with his other hand to indicate what he meant by ‘this.’ “If this is just a distraction for you – if it's too much of one, I mean – we don't have to do it anymore. I wouldn't hold it against you.”
“No, this isn’t just a distraction.” Chris brought their intertwined hands to his mouth and pressed a kiss to the back of Ed’s hand. “I don’t know what I’m saying, my mind is still a bit of a hot mess. Ed, I... I like making you smile, falling asleep with you, taking baths with you.. This isn’t just a distraction.”
Chris sighed, sipping his whiskey. “I’m just not sure what I want right now.”
Ed released a breath he hadn't actually realized he was holding, and squeezed Chris’s hand tightly. “I can live with that. You've been pretty damn patient with me, figuring out what I want, so... Least I can do is return the favor.” He looked at his whiskey glass like he'd forgotten it existed for a moment there, bringing it up to his lips for a small sip, now that he didn't feel quite so much like he might need to get drunk enough to forget the whole day.
“And there's no pressure, okay? Like I said, I don't need anything to change. But wherever this ends up going... I'm here for it.”
Chris nodded, stroking his thumb over Ed’s hand. “Thank you. I just don’t want to hurt you.” He wanted to protect Ed, even if it meant protecting him from himself.
“Don’t want to spend the night with someone if it’s going to hurt you.”
“I mean, hard to say until it's happened, you know? Kind of flying blind here. But I want to think I could live with it.” He took another sip of whiskey, looking down at his lap as he considered it.
“Probably should've mentioned this sooner, but the pirate impression wasn't the only part of your conversation with Loki that I overheard last week. And it did freak me out a bit, at first. I guess... I thought maybe you'd lose interest in me if you had any better options.” Admitting that out loud made him want to crawl into a hole in the ground, but he persevered. “But then the rest of the night happened and I wasn't worried anymore. ‘Cause it hadn't changed anything between us.”
Chris found himself flushing a bit as he replayed the conversation that he’d had with Loki in his head. “Oh. I... I don’t know if I would, with Loki. Maybe? I thought we’d connected, a few weeks back, but there’s a lot of mixed signals. I enjoy sparring with him though. It helps get me out of my head. I don’t even know if he’s actually interested. Stephen Strange said he was interested…”
In quite a forward way, Chris recalled and he still wasn’t sure what to do with that information. “The last few times I’ve been involved with someone, it hasn’t gone well. Maybe I’m a bit trigger shy because of that. But you’re important to me. And even if I were to .. distract myself with other folks, that wouldn’t change.”
Ed raised an eyebrow, an amused expression in his face. “I mean, sparring’s only like one step away from sex, mate. Less than one if it involves getting run through.” Although that might have just been the way he did it. Maybe other people had healthier relationships with their bodies, not to mention with their friends.
But Chris was the one who let a god break his bloody arm, so maybe not him specifically.
He moved his head back to Chris's shoulder, letting it settle comfortably. “What you do when I'm not around – it's out of sight, out of mind, you know? When we're together... I feel like I matter to you. That's all I care about.”
“It’s not- well, I mean, not necessarily. Back home, I don’t sleep with most of my sparring partners. I mean, I haven’t slept with Loki yet either. Sparring, it’s… I don’t know, training and a way to get out of my head so I can avoid my thoughts and nightmares?” Okay, so maybe there was some sexual tension during sparring and there had been times sparring with Loki where he could have seen it going that way and had certainly thought about it going that way. But maybe it was just because of being captain for so long and trying to keep himself from “conduct unbecoming” that he separated sparring from sex in his head.
He ran his fingers through Ed’s hair. “You matter to me even when we’re not together, Ed.”
Chris pressed his lips to Ed’s head. “Would you want to know if I’m doing things with other people?”
"A way to get out of your head and avoid your thoughts -- yeah, sounds like sex to me," Ed pointed out dryly. He'd certainly used both sparring and sex that way in the past, and he knew he wasn't the only one. Although for him that might have been because they both tended to require some level of dissociation to get through, which didn't seem to be the case for everyone else. He envied that, sometimes.
The other man's fingers in his hair sent a shiver down Ed's spine, and he tilted his head a bit so he could press a kiss to Chris's neck as he considered the question.
"No point pretending it's not happening if it is, you know? And I want to hear about your life... That's a part of your life. So, yeah, I’d want to hear about it.” It was easy enough to be pragmatic about sex when you'd never had the chance to associate it with love to begin with.
Chris made a soft purr at the kiss, closing his eyes as he leaned his head back. “Sex isn’t always about that though. Sometimes sex is just about taking your time, finding out what makes your partner tic, connecting with them on another level.”
He opened his eyes and brushed his lips against Ed’s. “I’ll let you know if anything happens, then. And like I said. You’re in my thoughts even when you’re not around.”
Ed actually found himself speechless for a moment. It wasn't like he hadn't known, intellectually, that sex was supposed to be about connection. It was just that in his experience it had always left him feeling more alienated, not less. Sex and intimacy were two entirely different things, as far as he'd ever known.
Which was why he'd been so careful not to go there with Chris. Because what they had right now was fulfilling needs that had gone unmet Ed's entire life. He hadn't wanted to risk that by adding sex to the equation. Sex could ruin a perfectly good thing, right? But maybe it didn't have to.
“Well we've had very different experiences with sex, then,” he said finally, aiming for his usual sardonic tone, although he couldn't entirely hide the sadness in his voice.
Setting his whiskey down, Ed shifted on the couch, angling himself slightly so that he could wrap an arm around Chris before kissing him again. “I know. Thank you.” Maybe he said that too often, but gratitude felt like the only appropriate response for how Chris made him feel.
Chris brushed his lips against Ed’s. “Of course, darling.”
He stroked his fingers over Ed’s shoulder. “Well, hopefully your experiences are better in the future? If you want to have experiences that is.”
He took a sip of his whisky, figuring it was probably time to say the things that had been in his head since that night on the rooftop. “Ed, I need you to know that I’m never going to push you on the issue of sex. If you don’t want to ever, that’s fine by me. I’m very happy with what we have. Yeah, I like sex, but if it’s not something you enjoy, I can do without. Even if we decide that we’re not seeing anyone else.”
Chris kissed Ed again. “And I want you to know that the whole possibly having distractions.. Sex with other folks, isn’t just me trying to work around that. I can go without it just as easily.”
Tears began to well in his eyes, and Ed pressed his lips together for a moment in a feeble attempt to stop them. It didn't work, of course, but that was okay. He was safe here, with Chris. Probably safer than he'd ever been in his life. No, definitely safer.
"Don't know what I did to deserve you," he remarked softly, bringing a hand up to Chris's cheek as he leaned in for another kiss. "Nobody's ever said anything like that to me. Didn't think anyone ever would... or even could."
If anything his experience had taught him the opposite. How many times had he told Calico Jack he wasn't really in the mood to mess around, only to have Jack leave in a huff and find a more willing participant instead? And frankly that was one of the better outcomes.
Which wasn't to say that he'd never enjoyed sex. He had. There was just such a gulf between what he got out of it, and what everyone else seemed to.
“But for the record, I think I would like to… try, some day. With you.” His voice was quiet still, a little hesitant, but earnest.
Chris wiped the tears from Ed’s cheek. “Hey now, it’s okay. The universe is a big place. There’s species out there that don’t have physical sex like humans do at all. There’s some where the men carry the babies. There’s all sorts of things. None of it is better or worse. Just like if someone only likes one gender or all the genders. Just different things.”
He cupped Ed’s cheek, pulling him in for a slow, tender kiss. “That means a lot. I’d like that too. But I don’t want you to ever feel pressured, okay? This, as it is, is very nice and I’m happy.”
“I know,” Ed promised. “You’ve never once made me feel pressured. Can’t even imagine it, at this point. I just feel safe with you.” A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips as he let his head settle on Chris’s shoulder again. “And grateful that Derleth decided to correct some part of the cosmic fucking injustice of my being born like five hundred years too early.”
“Maybe it’ll do us one better and put us on a starship in the next week or two,” Chris said, brushing his lips against Ed’s again. “Want more food? More whiskey?”
“Long as it doesn’t get our hopes up and then put us on the smallest, slowest starship that just goes around a pole.” Not that he was bitter about the lack of rollercoasters here or anything. He planned to stick around long enough to experience plenty more carnival rides in the future. That was a thing he could accomplish through sheer will alone, right? “Love, you can go ahead and assume I always want more whiskey.”