Percy de Rolo (terribletinker) wrote in noexits, @ 2022-03-20 11:43:00 |
|
|||
Since walking away from a telepathic conversation is nigh impossible, Vax finds himself breathing a sigh of relief when Percy doesn't answer him again. Once he's sat in silence for a couple of minutes to make absolutely sure Percy's through with him, he pounds a fist down into his bed and growls under his breath. No, he wasn't telling Percy to read his thoughts. The idea of it is uncomfortable. And of all the people he knows, he thinks Percy is the last person he'd want knowing everything inside his head. Still, part of him wishes Percy had done it. It'd be easier to show rather than tell, and then it'd be all Percy's fault that he knows anything in the first place. But Percy isn't the only one with a few different tricks up his sleeve this week. Vax knows he probably ought to show the same consideration for Percy as Percy is him, but what Vax plans on doing isn't reading thoughts. It's close enough that he feels a twinge of guilt in his stomach as he sits up and starts rummaging through the bag of spell components he's bought for himself through the week, but not so close that he stops himself short of setting up the ritual to cast the spell. It doesn't take long. Vax ends up sitting on the floor with his back to the bottom of his bed, loosely cross-legged as he drops a handful of sand through his fingers and onto the floor. Into the center of the sand, he first dabs a thick drop of black ink, then taps the writing end of a quill - one that cost him more than the usual quill thanks to the specific nature of its collection - into that ink. As soon as the incantation of the spell has left his lips, Vax feels his hands fall heavy to his knees as his eyes practically roll closed and his body sags back against the foot of his bed. Spells are strange. He doesn't feel like he's within his body, but he isn't outside of it, either. And as soon as he makes himself focus, it's like his awareness is drawn a specific direction. He lets himself drift that way until he feels he's arrived at his destination, and then after a brief moment of feeling like something is pushing against his shoulders, he eases into place. Vax knows, somehow, that he can make this whatever he wants it to be. And that he can change it if he chooses something that doesn't seem to work, though he isn't entirely sure what his goal is. As soon as he thinks it, the nothingness around him shifts to look like a hall in Whitestone, and when he looks down at himself he's dressed in his usual clothes. Lifting his hands, he finds them familiar and without scales - so he can change that as well. Good to know. Now to find what Percy's own mind has done with this particular setting. Percy was certain he wasn't going to get any sleep that night. He's been pulled from the people who best kept him out of the darkness of his own mind, except for Vax. But for Vax, the death of his sister was still a fresh, festering wound that he couldn't forgive Percy for. It frustrated Percy to feel like he'd been tossed back in time, thrust into an even more tumultuous relationship with Vax than what he remembered. But sleep claimed him after only about half an hour of tossing and turning in the too-small bed of this rundown dorm room. Percy is in his room in Whitestone Castle, sprawled on his bed with a dark-haired half-elf on top of him. Not even their contentious interactions can keep Percy from falling into this familiar dream. His head is turned to the side, Vax's face buried in his neck as Percy drags his nails down along Vax's back. He hooks a leg around the half-elf's waist, pulling him closer. His back arches, his breath ragged. He digs his nails more firmly into Vax's back. He turns his head just as Vax's lifts his away from Percy's neck and Percy smiles up at him through the dark veil of hair that surrounds him. Percy lifts his head away from the pillow to capture Vax's lips in a kiss before laying back down, drawing Vax along with him, the movement of their bodies in concert. If it had ever occurred to Vax that Percy might sink immediately into a dirty dream, he never would've so much as thought of casting this spell. Vax lets his hold on the where of the dream go enough that he can feel the shift of it when Percy takes more control of it, and what he ends up seeing has him immediately feeling like Grog has just punched every single bit of air from his lungs. At first his stomach turns - of course it'd be his cosmic comeuppance that he does this without Percy's consent and stumbles into him having a naughty dream about his sister of all people - and then his insides go cold when he realizes that isn't Vex'ahlia. It's all wrong. The breadth of the shoulders, the position of the two of them. The fact that this particular half-elf's hair isn't plaited in a braid, it's worn long. It's his hair. "...Percival?" The name is barely a whisper as Vax reels backwards toward the door, one hand blindly reaching for a doorknob he never finds before he freezes in place. They look good together. No. No, no no. Vax squeezes his eyes closed and gives his head a violent shake, trying to drive that particular thought from his mind. Their surroundings shift. The bedroom in Whitestone goes dark, the walls now damp, molded stone in a dark room with a raised stone coffin in the center of it. The space around them barely has time to solidify before it shimmers again and they're on the green in the center of Derleth's campus, a starlit sky above and a breeze gently rustling the leaves in the trees above. There's a faint tang of blood in the air before Vax opens his eyes and sees what he's doing, a quiet, desperate sound escaping him as he forces himself to focus again and bring them back to Whitestone. Even when he can do magic, he's no good at magic. He knows he could leave - just end this before they're both embarrassed any more - but something stops him from it. He tilts his head slightly and steps forward, waving a hand to banish the other, dream version of Vax while at the same time settling a plush blanket over Percy from the waist down. "Percival?" Percy catches the shift of his surroundings from the periphery of his awareness. He gasps and looks around, clutching Vax now in alarm rather than passion as he sees the tomb around them. He recognizes it immediately as the resting place of the Champion of the Raven Queen. He holds onto Vax protectively, as if the Raven Queen could come and drag him away at any moment. Then his panic melts to confusion when the surroundings shift again, this time to the campus, the ground cold and dewy beneath his still-naked body. There's definitely magic at work, but before Percy can untangle himself from Vax to investigate, they're back in his room at Whitestone. He sits up halfway, raking a hand through stark white hair as he glances around the familiar decor of his room. Something feels off though. An uncontrolled magic. He shifts his hands to nudge Vax off of him when the half-elf vanishes and is replaced by the sight of...Vax. Clothed and looking about as confused as Percy feels. "Vax?" It's not a lucid dream for Percy. Not yet anyway. "I- what's going on? Is everything okay? Why did you get dressed?" Vax stops about halfway between the door and Percy's bed, trying to shove the worst of his shock to the back of his mind so he can keep concentrating on maintaining the illusion of the dream. The window is open. No, it isn't. ...yes it is, with sunshine streaming into the room and birds singing distantly in the forests surrounding Whitestone. It's a beautiful morning and Percy doesn't have anything to worry about - Vax is suddenly concerned that if he makes this too alarming an experience, he's going to get pushed out of the dream whether he wants to stay or not. And for some reason, he still wants to stay. He manages to put on a smile, faint but fond, and it isn't quite the stretch he thought it might be to summon it. If he came here to see what's in Percy's mind when Percy isn't consciously shaping his own thoughts, well... it seems he's actually the best person who could've popped up in Percy's dreams to do it. Surprising as that still is. "Everything's fine." He knows he sounds a little bit strained, but the best he can hope for is that Percy chalks it up to it all being a strange dream. He drifts another step closer, though his focus shifts from Percy to the window while he tries to formulate some kind of a believable story to fit into the scenario of the dream. "You were asleep," he finally decides, turning his attention to Percy once more. His gaze starts to drift down the slope of his chest before he inwardly scolds himself and returns to Percy's face again. "You were asleep and I couldn't bring myself to wake you." And since he can't bring himself to come out of his trance, it's only half a lie. He's starting to feel terrible about it regardless, but he's gotten in this deep. If he keeps on with the almost-truths, maybe it'll feel less like he's doing something wrong. "I think you might've been having a dream, though. So I came to check on you. Everything all right?" Oh. This isn't the Vax he was just dreaming about. A flush spreads over his face as he thinks about how he just asked Vax why he was dressed. He looks down at the sheets beneath him, disturbed only by his own slumber. "Can't you knock?" There's only a hint of annoyance to his voice while he avoids eye contact. "I can't imagine why you'd need to check on me when I'm having a dream." He looks at the window. Did he fall asleep with it open? Normally this time of year he keeps it shut all night. But the warm sunlight and the birdsong suggest that maybe it's summer after all. Huh. He supposes he must've been sleeping so hard that the confusion of being awoken suddenly was enough to make him forget what season it is. He rubs his hands over his face and sits up a bit. He reaches for his glasses and puts them in, still purposely avoiding looking at Vax. "What time is it?" He longs to go back to sleep, but sleeping in is a luxury they're rarely afforded. There are dragons to fight and a world to save after all. Well. Vax is a terrible liar, and now it's confirmed that it's so in both the waking and the dreaming world. Great to know, unfortunate that it happened now. The annoyance in Percy's voice isn't even close to the full force of it that he's experienced in his lifetime, but it still manages to cut through him now as keenly as one of his own daggers. It's less because of Percy's annoyance in and of itself and more because he realizes he's lost the opportunity to figure out how to be the Vax that Percy was dreaming of. It's a realization that startles him all over again, so it's probably a good thing Percy's refusing to look at him. "The door wasn't locked." And because he can't help himself, he smirks before he can think better of it. He leans forward a little at the waist, his voice lowering to a stage whisper to really drive the teasing of his next words home. "You were being a little bit loud." He rocks back on his heels and gives Percy a wink whether he sees it or not, then ambles toward the open window. The environment he's created is thorough, though he isn't entirely sure how he's doing it. While it's a little nondescript in some places, there are several landmarks of Whitestone he remembers scattered about the view from the window, including the Sun Tree. Not barren and near lifeless as they left it, but sprouting a good deal of new growth. Between that and the warmth of the sun on his face, Vax has to acknowledge that he's set this dream up for himself as much as he has for Percy. "It's mid-morning, give or take an hour or two." Which checks out, given the view. Vax turns from the window and folds his arms over his chest, this time open about letting his gaze rake over Percy. Percy will just remember this as a very strange dream, and Vax can excuse himself by saying he's doing it to keep the upper hand. "You didn't answer my question, Percival. Everything all right?" Hearing that he was being loud deepens the flush across Percy's face as it curls along the shells of his ears as well. He rubs a hand over the back of his neck and bites his bottom lip, only sparing Vax the briefest of glances. "Is it that late already?" Percy stands up, surprised that he's wearing silken pajama pants when he's certain he was naked just seconds ago. He looks at Vax, studying him this time while Vax is staring out the window. The thick leather and feathers of Vax's armor keep Percy from seeing the lines of the lithe body he's grown so familiar with. Well. Familiar in his dreams. "Everything's fine, Vax. Although I do appreciate the concern..." He trails off, just barely getting the last word out as he catches Vax looking him over. He turns away from the half-elf lest he sees that Percy's entire body is turning red at this point. The thing about dreaming with magic is that the magic can creep into the dream and be used unknowingly. Percy's mind, already open with all the possibilities dreams have to offer, is also open to reading thoughts. I should stop this. I've already gotten more than I bargained for. ...just another couple of minutes. It never once occurs to Vax that Percy's newfound ability to read thoughts might manifest itself here in a dream. He's asleep, so there's obviously no way - not that he has any reason to assume it, and while he has his own knowledge of the spells he's suddenly capable of, there's nothing to say that he understands even the half of what Percy's found himself able to do here. So he assumes it because it's convenient. And because he doesn't know any better. He steps away from the window when Percy turns away from him, the smirk broadening into a grin when he realizes the back of Percy's neck is just as red as his cheeks were a few moments ago. If he's going to be put on his back foot from this, the least he can do is make sure Percy's left feeling just as uneven. Just another couple of minutes indeed; he can't resist pressing for a little more information about just how Percy thinks of him, and if he gets to tease him mercilessly while he does it? Even better. "Of course, Percival. The others were asking about you at breakfast, and then when I was coming back up here I could've sworn I heard my name." He thinks that might be a lie, though he doesn't entirely remember what he flashed in here in the middle of down to the detail. Oh, you remember enough of it, Vax'ildan. Maybe you wish you'd heard your name since you couldn't - gods, you fucking fool, he got your sister killed! The continued war against holding his grudge throws Vax off again, enough that he bumps a knee into the bed on his way back across the room. He scowls at it like it should've moved out of his way - and then it's abruptly about a foot shorter than it was before and no longer in his path. He doesn't give himself time to marvel at that ability before he's brushing past Percy, suddenly intent on leaving so he can wake up from his trance for a good sulk. "But you're fine," he grumbles on his way past. "So I suppose I ought to leave you to... whatever it is you're going to do." "More than you bargained-?" Percy rubs his hands over his face, confused by the weird shifts in conversation. He looks back at the bed and there's something different about it too. His brow creases with confusion and he wonders now if he isn't still dreaming. He looks at Vax and tilts his head to the side, studying him. There's something different about him too. If he's dreaming, and that's the only explanation he can think of besides some wild burst of magic, then everything here should be malleable. Including Vax. But he isn't. He's stiff, awkward in a way he isn't usually when Percy dreams about him. And then he says things but his mouth isn't moving and Percy puts his head in his hand. "I know I got your sister killed- I'm sorry." He bites his lip a little too hard. "I'm so sorry," he repeats himself, although his voice is weak and quivering. It's not the first time he's been through this in his sleep. "I've relived that moment over and over so many times Vax. In my dreams, in my memories when I'm awake." The dreamscape changes again, but this time it's in Percy's control and the walls fade away, the ground is replaced by the sharp glass of that fucking island. Percy's still standing there, but he's in his blue coat now, soaked through with blood. He looks down at the blood and the fabric singed by the heat of the bullets. "Not even my own death brought me any peace. I still can't forgive myself. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to." The blood drips from his wounds and slips along the glass, forming small pools that reflect into infinity. Vax wheels around to stare at Percy when he mentions Vex'ahlia. It isn't because of the apology, not exactly - it's because Percy says anything about it at all, like Vax spoke his own reprimand out loud. But he knows he didn't. For a moment he's so focused on that aspect of it that he doesn't fully register how torn Percy seems to be over it, and before he can do more than soften his expression a little and draw a breath to answer, he realizes he's lost just enough concentration on their surroundings that Percy's seized hold of that aspect of the dream. He knows it's a dream, but he still finds himself squinting against the sudden glare of sunlight on glass. It's all around them, it crunches under the soles of Vax's boots when he so much as shifts, and he has no idea where this is meant to be. Somewhere he's never been, clearly. Somewhere Percy knows. Vax brings a hand up to shield his vision against the glare and finally finds where Percy is standing, familiar in that coat but... "Freddie?!" He knows it's all a dream, but panic seizes in Vax solidly enough that he's closing the gap between them before he can remind himself of it. There's a jolt of his own memory that manifests itself as sort of a projection behind him - Vax on his back with Percy over him holding one of his own daggers to his throat, shadows swirling around them both - but the same wild concern that ended with him outside with that mirror version of Percy is in control now as he practically crashes into Percy, hands seeking out the worst of the wounds like he could hope to stop the blood with his bare hands. Vax can change this. He can shift them back to Whitestone, to literally anywhere, and make this go away. But it's a dream, and Percy's fine - even though the fear of seeing Percy like this threatens to obscure that knowledge every second that goes by. This isn't what he wanted to see; none of it has been, but this is the best chance he has at figuring Percy out a little. So nothing changes, and the fear digs its claws in a little more firmly. "Not even your own - Percy, where are we?" He can heal now, so he does - he has absolutely no idea how it works, or if it does, inside a dream. But he tries it, watching Percy's face like he expects to see the life start leeching from his eyes at any moment. "Your own death? Where did you just take us?" Percy takes off his glasses and swipes at the tears that start filling his eyes. The tears fall to the glassy ground and mix with the blood. "Fuck," he mutters and shakes his head. "You're really you, aren't you? The you that's trapped with me in some weird campus. That you that doesn't-" he looks down at the glass, the reflection of the sun blindingly bright and he holds a hand up to shield his eyes. "You shouldn't see this. Shouldn't know it. Not yet." Percy closes his eyes and sucks in a breath and concentrates until they're back in Whitestone. The world around them flickers, begins to solidify, the dank and dirty cell far beneath the castle where he spent weeks being tortured. He squeezes his eyes and shakes his head and the cell shimmers and shifts and they're in his lab instead. "You invaded my dreams?" He looks at Vax and he wants to be accusatory, but he can't manage it. "What are you doing here, Vax?" Vax doesn't even have the grace to be embarrassed that he's been caught snooping in Percy's dreams because he's still too focused on putting pressure on wounds that aren't real. There's nothing stopping him from talking while their surroundings shift, but he keeps silent with his hands now balled up into fists holding handfuls of Percy's coat while they move from island to cell to lab. He'd follow the shifts whether he was touching Percy or not, but it doesn't stop him from holding onto him like an anchor. Even when it seems they've stopped moving through locations, Vax doesn't let go. If anything he holds a little tighter when Percy finally speaks on the truth, trying to make it harder for Percy to shove him back if he's of a mind to. It doesn't seem like he is, at least not right away, but Vax stays close even so. He does, however, finally look a bit ashamed of himself. "I didn't mean - I wanted... " He finally loosens his hold on Percy's coat, his palms going flat against the fabric to smooth it before he realizes all he's doing is stroking up to Percy's shoulders. It's that realization that finally has him jerking back, though he utterly fails to summon any hostility to the movement or to the look on his face. "This hasn't been easy." That certainly goes without saying, but it's the easiest, most truthful thing he can think of right off the bat. "Finding myself here, being without my sister. Especially after - after I'd... just gotten her back." It's probably the first time since they've arrived that Vax hasn't used the opportunity to practically spit venom in Percy's face over it. "And here you are, someone I know but not really because you've had time and seen things I haven't, and... " Vax trails off and ducks his head to pinch the bridge of his nose between his fingers, then sighs and closes his eyes before he keeps speaking. "You think you know what's in my head better than I do, and what kills me is that you actually might. So I wanted to see what was in yours. To... I don't know. Level the field. See what you thought you knew. I don't know anymore." Percy looks down and watches Vax's hands before Vax jerks himself away. Percy doesn't allow himself time to think about that and how it makes him feel. "I know it's hard on you, Vax. I believe I've mentioned it a time or two." He sighs and walks to his workbench and sits down. "I can only pretend to know what's in your mind. In truth, it's impossible to say. I'm trying to bring myself back a few weeks to when this was all fresh, but so much has happened since then." Percy snorts a wry laugh. "I barely know my own mind most days." He pulls off his glasses and sets them on the table. "I'm trying to be a better man, Vax. The Raven Queen told me I was broken, long before Orthax ever came along. I was probably broken even before the Briarwoods came. But there's freedom in that knowledge. I'm not beholden to Orthax or any god, only to myself. I can reshape myself into the man I want to be. The man I could've been if my family-" It's always so easy to blame others. "I forgave her, you know. Ripley." Vax's hand twitches upward when Percy moves like he's going to reach out and stop him, but he sets his jaw and stops himself short of it. He's quiet while Percy speaks, interjecting only to offer his own wry laugh in the form of a forced exhale when the Raven Queen is brought up. He isn't sure when Percy might've had the opportunity to talk to her - his own attempts have been met with sporadic results at best - but he supposes Percy is right, a lot can happen in a few weeks when you're a member of Vox Machina. Death included, apparently. He's aching to ask about that. About most of what Percy mentions, really, but he bites his bottom lip and forces himself to just listen. He can't say he wants to know what Percy's thinking and then not hear him when he seems willing to let him hear it. There's a moment where he considers shifting their environment again to somewhere he'd feel less out of place, but he realizes just before he does that his own comfort really isn't the point right now. If this is where Percy feels safe enough to talk about this, then it's where they'll stay. This is the longest conversation he and Percy have had in... well. A long time, but definitely since they both found themselves stranded on this campus. Vax is suddenly anxious that he's going to ruin it somehow, but he can't help the sharp turn to his head when Percy says he's forgiven Ripley. He narrows his eyes slightly, the suspicion carrying him forward a step before he thinks to stop himself. "No, I didn't know." As dubious as his posture is, his voice is still quiet. And calm. Like the pair of them are on watch together around a campfire, having a conversation they hope doesn't wake the others. It's familiar enough that it makes his chest ache, and he pauses to swallow hard around the beginnings of a lump in his throat before he continues to speak. "A lot really must have changed in however long you've had since what I know." He steps forward another few strides, bringing him just within arm's reach even though he keeps his arms folded over his chest. "Why did you?" Percy looks up at Vax as he approaches, noting his posture and the quiet of his voice. "I did it for my own sake. To let go. To move on." He looks at the table and it's covered now with design sketches and the parts that would eventually assemble into his first gun. This isn't where the gun was born, but the dream combines elements of Percy's memories. "Even without Orthax, bitterness and hatred have weighed heavily on me. I can't be a better person if that hangs over my head. It's bad enough that this," he gestures to the pieces of the gun, "hangs over it. What have I wrought upon the world?" Ripley didn't just have a gun for herself, she had armed others. "I'm going to spend the rest of my days in penance for the things I've done. I can't be chained down by my fury any longer." Once again Vax is quiet while Percy explains himself, but it doesn't stop their surroundings from flickering as all of Percy's words cut a little too close to Vax's core. The workshop remains, but there's a moment where the coffin in the Raven Queen's temple flickers into existence near the center of the room. And another where a second image of Vax appears in front of the closed door, only for the door to open to reveal Vex who nearly trips over him before they both disappear. As Percy nears the end of what he's saying, the space around them suddenly glows with the light of a spiderweb of golden threads that weave their way around the pair of them until a ghostly pale hand appears to stroke a fingertip along one of them. That particular shift in the dream doesn't disappear until Vax squeezes his eyes closed and wills it away more forcibly than he's needed to with the rest. When he opens his eyes again, Vax breathes a quiet, relieved sigh before he squares his shoulders and refocuses on Percy. He's obviously been speaking about himself, but so much of it runs so closely in parallel to the dynamic between them right now that Vax feels the weight of it more than he might have otherwise. He takes the one step forward he needs in order to stretch his arm out and drop his hand to Percy's shoulder. There's a brief hesitation just short of it where his gaze cuts over to Percy's face, but his fingers eventually curl at Percy's shoulder to hold there. "You're a better man than I am, Percival." His smile is just a flicker and there isn't any mirth to it, but it's there for a moment. "I don't know how long it takes me to forgive you. I hope I have, where - when you're from." He drops his gaze away from Percy's face to watch his thumb trail inward along the line of Percy's collarbone, then looks up again with his head still slightly bowed. "I don't want to be any of the hatred that hangs over you. I don't hate you at all, I - " Vax frowns faintly at his own inability to keep speaking as candidly as Percy has, then steps abruptly closer and cradles Percy's cheek with his free hand so he can keep Percy still enough that Vax can bend and touch a kiss to his forehead. With that done, he steps away just as quickly and turns his back like he means to leave. "I think you're a good man, Percival. Whether you think you are or not. I know that's not worth much. I should let you get some real sleep." Percy watches as the world around them is in flux again. Their memories not competing, but blending. Percy looks at the coffin, the second time seeing it in this dream, and finally he understands. So much has happened in just a few weeks, but none of it has happened for Vax yet. He's still in this state of limbo, of not knowing. "I'm not a better man than anyone, Vax, least of all you." Percy reaches a hand up to clasp Vax's on his shoulder. "I know you don't hate me. Not then and not now." For a brief moment he thinks Vax might bring their lips together and he lets out a sigh as the kiss lands on his forehead instead. It's an unexpected bit of tenderness and he tries to savor it. Except Vax pulls away just as quickly. Percy reaches a hand out to grasp Vax's wrist, halting him. "I know the fear and confusion you must be feeling right. It'll get better for you. I promise. I don't know how any of this works. I don't know what I should or shouldn't tell you. I know you feel lost, I know you are terrified of what kind of promise you made to the Raven Queen." Percy lets go of Vax's wrist, his hand dropping into his lap. "I don't think she's here anyway. The gods are already so far from us behind the gate, but in another world? I'd be surprised if any of them could reach us." Vax doesn't pull away when he's caught, but he doesn't immediately turn around, either. His chin drops toward his chest to bow his head, hair falling to curtain around his face because it's suddenly undone - like it's his effort in this dream to hide himself as best he can without actually leaving entirely. He stretches his fingers long when Percy lets go of his hand, unconsciously trying to catch hold of Percy's fingertips before he's too far away, but the gesture is a blind one and he misses entirely. "I think that's what worries me." He lifts his head, glancing back over his shoulder before he follows the movement and turns back to face Percy. "I know what I've been told, that no one's going to know we've been gone. But time doesn't matter to gods, Percival. What if me being gone changes the deal? I don't even know what the deal is, all I know is that she has to be safe. I was ready to die to make sure she was safe." They really both ought to be asleep. He isn't sure how restful this really is for Percy and he knows that he isn't truly asleep himself, but he finds himself moving to sit beside Percy on the bench regardless. They don't have anything that needs doing tomorrow. He hesitates once again before reaching to cover Percy's hand in his lap with his own, the touch light enough that there's barely any weight on Percy's hand and it'll be easy for him to jerk it back if he wants to. He isn't even watching that, however; he's focused on Percy's face. "You don't have to tell me anything. I'm sorry if - I don't know. If the weeks older version of me is easier to deal with or has his shit together more." His brows knit down slightly as he considers what to say next, and when he finally decides, he looks a little pained. And definitely shifts his attention down to the ground rather than looking at Percy. "The other version of you, last week. He was what you might've been if you let all of that keep hold of you. And when I saw him in the theater just surrounded by shadow, I was afraid for you." Not of. For. His gaze cuts sidelong to look at Percy when he says it, but it doesn't linger there long. "I thought he was you and I tried to help him. But we got outside and Percival, he wasn't even recognizable. He wasn't a good man. But I think you are." Vax draws in a deep breath and moves his hand to his own knee, frowning down at the ground between his boots. "I don't know what use it is to tell you. He wanted to kill me, my name was on his gun. I know he's nothing like you, but that's - it's made it harder, figuring out how I feel about you. Like it wasn't already fucking complicated enough." Percy is looking down at the hand over his own. He doesn't make a move, not even a twitch of his fingers, for fear that Vax might draw away from him. "The Raven Queen is not an entity that needs to be feared. I understand your worry, I do," and he shifts his gaze to look up at Vax's face instead of their hands. "I don't think she's vindictive. Her story, didn't she ascend to godhood because she didn't think the previous god of death was treating people right? She must be a more compassionate deity. To the extent that any of them can feel compassion toward us. And anyway I know what your deal is with her. I think she's going to want to hold up her end of the bargain to wait for you to hold up yours." The corner of Percy's mouth twitches but never becomes a smile. He does let out a snort of mirthless laughter, however. "Vax, I assure you that no version of you has his shit together. I'm not sure any version of me does either." He looks away when Vax mentions the other him, a version of him more terrible than Percy could ever have fathomed. His already pale skin seems to blanch even further. "I'm sorry," he says, his eyes focused on the stone floor of his lab, his voice quiet. "I would never hurt you, Vax. Certainly not intentionally. And if I was ever like that, like him-" He slowly turns his gaze back to Vax, a dark and serious look on his face. "Kill me. Immediately. No hesitation. That wasn't a man, that was a monster. And I don't want to live as that monster." There's a lot for Vax to address here, but the one thing that strikes him most important isn't Percy's insistence that Vax kill him if he needs to. He reaches out again, this time to rest a hand on Percy's knee. Stop touching him, you idiot. His inward scolding almost has him pulling his hand back before it's so much as had time to brush against Percy's knee, but he'd rather not draw attention to the aborted gesture. And the touch will at least serve as emphasis for what he's going to say first. "I don't know why you'd be sorry. He looked like you, Percival, and that's where the similarities ended." The kiss flashes briefly into Vax's mind, but that's one thing he's very sure he doesn't need to tell Percy about. There was nothing romantic about it, despite the other Percy's implication that he and the other Vax were... something. There's nothing funny about the rest, but the smile Vax gives Percy is more sad apology than anything so it doesn't seem like he's at all amused. He gives Percy's knee a light squeeze before finally drawing his hand away, but he leans in a little closer like he's going to tell a secret and someone might just burst into the lab. Never mind that no one would, not even in their own reality. Never mind it's a dream and there's no one else here. "I'd like to promise I would, but I could've killed him, I think. And I didn't." Vax sighs and tilts his head back to bring his gaze to the ceiling - or it would be, if he wasn't closing his eyes to help gather his thoughts. When he looks at Percy again, the sadness is still written all over his face, the apology all but spoken. "If there wasn't any other option left, then sure. I'd do it. But you're worlds better than he could ever be, and I couldn't kill him. So I'm always going to try to save you first. I know it hasn't seemed like that might be the case since we ended up here, but... ah, I don't know. I've been taking things out on you and you don't deserve that. And I don't think you'll need me here. But if Orthax does find his way back and for some reason you let him in, I'm going to try to save you before I so much as consider killing you." "I would never let him in again. I do appreciate the sentiment that you would rather try to save me than kill me. I think that other version of me is beyond saving. I guess I'm lucky I never got that far gone." He's focused on the floor again but he watches Vax's hand in his periphery. The weight of it against his knee is a welcome comfort and he's disappointed it's shortlived, but he doesn't react to Vax pulling his hand away. Vax is right, they are in a weird, complicated situation. Percy opens his mouth to apologize for his initial dream but quietly closes his mouth instead. It's probably best not to draw attention back to that. He breathes a sigh instead and turns his body just slightly toward Vax. Vax's quiet laugh is a sardonic puff of air with a little sound behind it. He gives his head a small shake before he angles himself slightly in Percy's direction, an unconscious mirror of the way Percy's just turned himself. "The situation being less than ideal has very little to do with you and more to do with the fact that we're here at all and I can't figure out a reason why or a way to get back. But I'm sure you would have preferred different company yourself." He hesitates a moment, debating whether to chance undoing what good they've managed to do here with pressing another issue. Ultimately - because he's Vax - he decides to put a thumb on it and see if Percy flinches. He won't push past that discomfort; they can still salvage this. "Keyleth, maybe. Or my sister." The look he gives Percy after the latter suggestion isn't pointed, but it is curious. He tries to veil it as best he can, but that doesn't keep him from leaning in just slightly like he's trying to better gauge Percy's reaction to it. Once he realizes what he's doing he tries to mask it as a casual movement - he leans back so his elbow's on the worktable behind them, crossing one leg over the other to turn himself that little bit more toward Percy while he tilts his head to rest his cheek on his hand. Just watching. Nothing to suspect here. He does smile faintly, however, at the declaration of solidarity, such as it is. It's perhaps the first time he hasn't looked a little bit teasing or pained since he stepped into this strange dream they're creating; he looks genuine, even if it's hard to discern. "I'll remember it. And I've got yours. I hope you don't doubt that." It's a good place to leave it, but Vax does love pushing on bruises. He's at least as careful as he can be about it here, given that it's more Percy's bruise than his, but he can't resist. He keeps his voice light, his head still tilted to rest on his hand, so nothing about his next words seem threatening or mocking - he hopes. "I've talked a lot about how I feel about you, haven't I? Even just to lay out that it's a complicated thing. How do you feel about me, Percival? The truth, if you wouldn't mind. I swear I can handle it." "I know nothing about this situation is ideal for you. I'm not really loving it either. Despite where we stand, how you feel about me, I always have your back. I hope you remember that." Percy rolls his eyes when Vax suggests he might prefer to be in the company of Keyleth of Vex more. "I think being trapped here is all the same regardless of who I'm with." He suspects that Vax might be fishing for something, but he attempts to give him the benefit of the doubt. Until Vax asks outright. Percy tips his head to the side and studies Vax for a moment - his face, his posture. But he can't continue to look at him and answer that question so he turns his head to face the door of his lab. (Was this Whitestone or Greyskull Keep? The two workrooms seem to overlay each other now.) "I think after invading my dreams, you know the answer to that." Percy's reaction is enough to make Vax feel a glimmer of guilt for guiding the conversation in this direction. He does know the answer, if Percy's dreams are an accurate reflection of his conscious, waking thoughts. The problem is that Vax isn't absolutely certain they are. He's certainly had enough dreams he doesn't expect to come true. And some he knows will - the thought has the spiderweb of glowing threads starting to spin itself around the corners of the room before he can banish them in favor of focusing on the conversation at hand. He's brought it up, so Percy can either try throwing him out of the dream or deny him completely, in which case he'll honor it. But Percy hasn't done that - yet. "I thought at first it was... " He chooses to skim right past the accusation of invading Percy's dreams (because he has, he knows he has, they don't need to talk about that again) and instead lands on thinking the dream was of his sister... which is another thing he'd really prefer not to say aloud. "It was someone else," he finishes a bit weakly, ducking his head so he can rub at the back of his neck and hide the color in his cheeks more effectively. Now that they're talking about this, Vax realizes he isn't sure where he wanted the conversation to lead them. He knew before he asked, so asking is just... him wanting to hear it out loud, he supposes. And he's not sure why he wants to hear it said to him. He's only sure he does, but that pushing for it isn't the way he wants to hear it. Another complication. He sighs and reaches out to touch Percy's shoulder, then shifts on the bench a little so he's not sitting quite so close. As if that's going to make Percy any more comfortable right now. "I didn't know. And if you don't want me to - " Once again there's hesitation in Vax's voice, both in the pause that comes before he speaks again and when he finishes - "It can stay right here. I didn't have the right to come barging in here and I've seen something you never wanted me to. And that's fine, Percival. It is." He pulls his hand back, now not entirely sure what to do with it, so he crosses his arm over his chest and curls his fingers at his elbow in a shield of sorts. "But the thing is, I don't... I don't mind it. That's part of why this has gotten so muddled in my head, if you want the honest truth." There's already a flush of pink to Percy's cheeks just vaguely talking about the dream to Vax. The blush deepens and spreads when Vax admits he doesn't mind. There's a quick flicker of an image of the two of them in bed that disappears as quickly as it came. Percy turns his head to look at Vax once more and again studies his face. "You don't? Pardon me for being presumptuous, but I thought you had a thing for Keyleth." Of course, Vax also had had a thing for Gilmore. People change, feelings change. This shit really is complicated. Vax's comment about thinking it was someone else at first in Percy's dream lingers in the back of Percy's mind. There's only one person Vax could be mistaken for and it's certainly something that has crossed his mind as well. But the pull toward Vax is so much stronger, it's harder to deny or resist. Vax visibly flinches when Percy brings Keyleth's name up, but he follows it with a shake of his head and a dismissive wave of his hand. Not at the thought itself, but at the idea that Percy is being presumptuous about it. "No, it's not presumption if I've made it perfectly clear to - ah, well. To everyone but her, apparently." Vax's smile has shifted back to that sad one again, though he shrugs helplessly in accompaniment to it. "She doesn't seem very open to the idea of it, though. After you've told someone you're in love with them twice and they can't even say two words without stumbling, perhaps it's time to give up, yeah?" He isn't sure what might've happened in the few weeks of time Percy has on his perspective, so he holds up a hand before Percy's face so much as has a chance to change. "I don't want to know if I'm right or wrong to think it. She's wonderful and I care for her very much. Like I care for Shaun. He might've felt the same about me, but - " Another thing Vax doesn't care to think about; he's cut things off with Gilmore to chase his feelings for Keyleth, and now he's forbidding himself from moving down either path. Not that he could if he wanted to, being here. "It's too late for that now." The idea that Percy's all that's left has Vax laughing quietly to himself, but he doesn't let it go on too long lest Percy think he's laughing at him specifically. "And having feelings for one person or another doesn't stop anyone from having thoughts, you know. Since you've been so open with your thoughts, willing or not, I suppose it's no risk for me to tell you that I've definitely had thoughts, Percival." Maybe there's no risk, but saying it out loud does make some color start to appear in Vax's cheeks. In an effort to mask his embarrassment, he reaches to give Percy a sharp pat on the cheek. "And before you try it, it isn't because you're all I've got here because you know that's the opposite of the truth. There are enough pretty people here that I could spend weeks making efforts and getting shot down, but whose dream am I in tonight, hmm? Just saying." "Oh? I thought you were in my dream to be a menace." Percy smirks, but there's something softer in his eyes. The smirk fades into something more pensive as he thinks about what life might be like if they ever get back to Exandria and their friends. Will they remember this time here? Will it fade away or feel like some strange dream? "You know, if we ever get back home-" Percy looks down at his hands, another moment of desperately avoiding looking at Vax. "I don't think it's too late with Shaun." Percy stands up from the bench and moves around it, gathering supplies as if he means to work on something. Anything to make this conversation seem casual, nonchalant. "He's a good man through and through. And you know he'd shower you with gifts and affection. He's, uh, he's nothing if not demonstrative." There's nothing really there. The table, the elements of the gun, the tools, all of it a flimsy illusion that his fingers can't solidify around. He sighs and stops fidgeting and just grips the edge of the table, staring intently at it. With Percy so intent on not looking at him, it makes it even more easy for Vax to watch openly. Which he does as Percy wanders around gathering things like he means to start working - it feels like it's pointed, as if Percy's trying to act like he's working because ignoring Vax might make him go away. It probably should; he's the intruder here and if Percy wants him to leave then he ought to. But if Percy wants him to leave, he's going to have to ask him to. Things just got more interesting, even if that also means more awkward. "Shaun is definitely a good man," Vax agrees quietly after watching Percy finally run dry in pretending to work on something. "And that's honestly the problem, I think. He deserves better than what I'll ever be able to give him. Someone more steady with at least a few less problems." Vax snorts a quiet breath of derisive laughter and shakes his head, bringing one hand up to press the tip of his middle finger against one temple and his thumb against the other. The headache he feels brewing is probably very real, but there's not much he's able to do about it in this dream. "I think... " Finally it's Vax's turn not to be able to look at Percy, so he folds his arms over his chest and looks down, frowning at the toes of his boots for a moment before he continues. "I think it's probably true that no one deserves what I can give them. The Raven Queen will call the bargain due sooner or later and I think - " This time the hesitation is because his voice breaks a little, much to his own horror. He clears his throat before he keeps speaking. "I think we both know what that's going to involve. So I don't know that it's fair for me to love anyone like we're talking about now. Not Keyleth, not Shaun. Not you either." Percy's content to continue to avoid Vax, even as the half-elf talks. He's not sure it actually makes this conversation any easier, but he can at least try to convince himself that it does. Then Vax says 'Not you either' and Percy's gaze snaps immediately in his direction. He stays silent, but now he's looking intently at Vax instead of the work table. He lets that revelation hang quiet and heavy between them for just a little too long before speaking again. "We don't really know what the Raven Queen has in mind for you in the long run." Percy only sort of understands what the Raven Queen wants of him in the present. "But we all go to her in the end, don't we? Sooner or later. I don't see why that should stop you from living life to its fullest extent. Isn't that the point, anyway? Make the most out of life while we cling to our tenuous grasp on it?" Percy thinks of the golden threads woven like spiderwebs that have appeared sporadically in this shared dreamscape. Threads of fate. Lifelines unspooled and connected to everyone. To be snipped at any moment. He wonders if its part of Vax's role as the Champion of the Raven Queen. Will he cut the strings, or merely usher souls to his matron? "Life isn't fair anyway. Neither is love for that matter." If anyone knows that, it's the pair of them. They've already had so much robbed from them in their relatively short lives. Vax isn't exactly content while that silence between them lingers, but he also isn't in any hurry to be the next one of them to say anything. He's said more than enough, and though he can feel Percy looking at him now, he stoically keeps studying the floor. If anything he crosses his arms more firmly, curling in on himself a little like that's going to be some kind of protection. He doesn't even know what he's trying to protect himself from. As much as he hates when Percy makes so much sense it's impossible to argue, he has to admit that now is one of those moments and it isn't the worst thing in the world. It's almost comforting, thinking of it that way - and he's annoyed momentarily that he didn't stop to think of it this way himself. Granted, Percy's had more time to sit with it than he has, even though it's hardly Percy's issue to worry about. "You're not wrong." Vax smiles faintly and finally turns his head to look at Percy, though he's half concealed by his hair falling in a curtain over his cheek when he does it. "I've been struggling with it. I don't know what she wants or when she wants it, so I've been torn between wanting everyone to know how I feel and getting as much time as I can have and - and making the leaving easier for everyone else, if I can. I thought it might be simpler if I shut down, you know? It'd give people less to miss." He tilts his head and studies Percy for a quiet moment, then uncrosses his arms to brush his hair from his face before reaching to gingerly cover Percy's hand with his own where it rests on the bench. "What's that look like for you, Percival? What do you think making the most of it looks like, if you have it the way you want it?" "Your sister really did get all the brains," he replies but there's no sharpness to his words. "You'll be missed the same amount whether you shut down and withdraw or not." Percy lets another long moment of silence hang between them as he looks at Vax's hand on his own. He doesn't want to think about losing Vax or how much he'd miss him, so he welcomes the change in topic. "I honestly don't know. I haven't had much time to think about what life without vengeance looks like for me." He moves his thumb to brush lightly over the edge of Vax's hand. "I guess making amends and becoming a better person. Leaving the world a better place than I found it." Which is hard to do when he's no longer in his own world. "Forgiving myself and allowing myself to be loved." He sits back down, but now he's on the bench on the opposite side of the table from Vax. "I don't know if any of that really qualifies as making the most of life, but. Those are my aspirations anyway. That and to see Whitestone flourish again." There isn't much to the way Percy's thumb brushes against his hand, but Vax's awareness narrows to just that with enough of a focus for a few moments that he almost misses what Percy's telling him. This is a conversation they should be having awake, he can't help but think... hopefully they'll both remember it all in the morning as more than a simple dream. Percy sitting down again pulls Vax's attention back to what's being said, though thankfully he's somehow processed it somewhere in the back of his mind. It takes him a minute to pull it to the fore and decide how he wants to answer, though he doesn't manage to put words to it before he's hit with a twinge of regret that Percy's not quite as close anymore. Complicated. This is all far too complicated. "I think making the most of it is whatever you want to define it to be. And it's good they're all things you can do, yeah? Better than wanting to be filthy rich and known the world over or something even more extravagant. You're going to be all right, Percival. We already love you whether you want us to or not." He pauses, then snorts a quiet laugh and shakes his head, adding more quietly, "Sometimes whether we want to or not." Vax sits back and scrubs a hand over his face, then smooths that same hand back over his hair like he's setting it to rights. Which doesn't do anything one way or the other; it's a dream, so his hair is exactly as he imagines it should be from one moment to the next. "I don't know what we do next. I do know I don't want to be at odds with you while we're here, and I'm not... " He frowns at the table between them a moment, then rolls his shoulders in a shrug. "I can't blame you forever for what happened. She's fine. We're here. Whatever's happening for either of us at home is - it's certainly not happening here. Blank slate." He gives Percy a small smile and leans forward to tap his fingertips lightly against Percy's cheek, then gets to his feet. "I'll let you sleep, if you like. I'm sorry I barged into your head, but I'm glad we talked." Percy manages the faintest hint of a smile. He knows his friends, his family, love him, whether he feels deserving or not. They're what's kept him from becoming a complete monster like the other version of him. But that's not the kind of love he was talking about and he isn't willing to contemplate if Vax knew or not. This dream has already been a lot. He wants to tell Vax that he would understand if Vax did blame him forever. Percy is certain he'll blame himself for the rest of his life. He lets it go. Vax forgave him once before, far be it for Percy to stop him from forgiving him again. They're all the other has and it'll be easier on them both to not be at each other's throats. "I think we both could use some sleep." Percy is sure whatever spell Vax used can't possibly endure much longer and he feels a mix of relief and disappointment about that. This wasn't a conversation he'd been ready for and while he doesn't regret it, he needs it to be done. There's a lot here he needs to process. "We could. Besides, I think I'm in some sort of a trance on the floor of my room and while I don't think the fellow I'm crammed in there with will do anything horrible, I'd really hate to wake up to find he's the sort who draws dicks on your forehead when he realizes there's no chance you'll wake up." Vax's grin feels like it comes easily this time in the wake of cracking a joke. It's a welcome change after the heaviness of their conversation. "Sleep well, Percival. Come find me later if you're at all inclined." He waves a hand as he turns to go. There's nothing really beyond the doorway because it's nothing either of them have needed to think about, so even more than usual it appears that Vax is disappearing into the shadows when he walks through the suddenly open door. He pauses before ending the spell, then decides on one last thing before he does. It isn't a prank - or at least he doesn't mean it to be one - but he isn't sure how Percy's going to interpret it. He only means it as emphasizing some of what he said in the hopes it's slightly more clear... but it also has the chance of making things even more muddy. It's all right, he reasons. They've apparently got time to work things out. Percy's surroundings shift again, the walls around him seeming to blur until they solidify once more into the walls of Percy's room. Instead of sitting at his bench, Percy's on his bed. Alone, but with the window still open and the sun streaming in, exactly the way it was when Vax stepped into the dream in the first place. Well, almost exactly. If Percy's perceptive enough - and Vax suspects he is - he'll notice that hanging beside Percy's coat is a black cloak adorned with feathers around the mantle. |