Howgwarts Quibbler: Vol. 4, No. 1 WHEN: Aug. 16, morning
Hogwarts Quibbler
Vol. 4, No. 1
Wow it has been a while hasn't it! I had to go into hiding as not many people liked the last Quibbler. Oh well. Can't win them all right?
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Has anyone seen Liv Jackson around? People have told me that haven’t seen her for weeks now. Not since that strange light appeared in the night sky. Was she taken by aliens? Have they probed her?
His twin sister might have a penis but that hasn’t stop Hunter Dale from getting busy. I haven’t seen it myself but a reliable source has told me that Hunter has a sex tape and he is very dominating in bed. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to get his partners name. Anyone wanna take a guess?
Poor Brittney Pierce. She once was a known name for all about five minutes when she was a child. She has struggled to become an actor ever since. I don’t blame the companies though. I wouldn’t want to hire someone so dumb either.
Stiles Stilinski is cheating on Derek! A friend has whispered in my ear and told me the young Hufflepuff is two timing Derek with Nox Avery. Though I’m pretty sure Nox and Derek have done it. So maybe it’s a threesome?
Rachel Berry has been rather quiet of late. Word on the street says she is has become Hogwarts newest hooker because she lost her voice. Better watch out Agron.
Dansford Wilkes IV aka Fourth is also new in town and is completely gay. But of course he comes from a prestige background so no one should know but my sources are the best people around. I wonder if he and Dean will hook up. Naughty boys.
Our new Care of Magical Creatures professor is Derek Strider! I guess being a werewolf has the main reason he got the job. I wonder if we will get to study him or better yet take him apart to see how he ticks.
You heard it here first folks! Dean de Merteuil is completely and utterly gay and is in love with his best friend Misha. Guess he wouldn’t care much about the baby being his then huh?
The reason you never see Fawn Dale with a boyfriend is because she has a penis. A very good friend of mine says they even have a picture of it. Do I have any bidders for it?
Joanna Puckerman has lost it all. Her family. Her money. Everything. She is now giving blow jobs for money so she isn’t kicked out of her manor. Look out for her on the street corner.
He is a new student that has made a huge splash with everyone. A very good source of mine as told me the reason Honou Shinrai is so verbal about being against gays is because he is completely gay himself! Can’t stand himself actually. Poor boy.
Michael has some compitetion! Rumor is that Sammy de Merteuil wants to become Ravenclaw quidditch captain this year and he will kill to do it! Better watch out Michael and remember Sammy has a demon boyfriend!
It has become public knowledge that Tori Karofsky has been disowned by her family. She is now homeless and living on the streets. If you see her please give her a box to live in or good food out of the garbage closest to you.
Nerio Sorrento is not so innocent these days. He keeps being question about the attack on Hogwarts. I wonder if he will be the next one to go to jail. He can be Puckerman’s bitch than!
We have notice that Nox Avery has put on a bit of weight. Maybe he is pregnant? But you ask how that is possible? Because of magic! Magic, people! He has a baby inside of him. I wonder who the daddy is.
Oh Clint Barton. I have so much on you. Let’s see: gay, talentless, smells, small penis. The list goes on! All from a person that is close to poor Clint. The sources last name definitely doesn’t start with an S.
Misha Meru was once our proud Head Boy but he is now a lowly auror in training. Rumor has it that Bella is leaving him and it is all because he is horrible in bed. I have many female sources stating that he was the worse shag they ever had.
All those beatings he got from his secret abuser have turned Zach Nolan to the dark side. Not that he had that far to go being Lady Nyx’s love child and all. Does this make him a Puckerman?
Word on the street says Tina Cohen-Chang has moved out of her Dad’s town house and in with the Merteuil’s because she is having Dean’s child. But is it really Dean’s? A reliable source says it is actually Sammy Merteuil’s child.
Someone told me that Sam Evans is Joanna’s pimp. He is the reason she is giving sloppy blow jobs on the street corner. Using her for income. You are a horrible person Sam.
Do you think we only have werewolves among us? Guess again! A reliable source has told me that Trista McKevit is a mermaid! That is why she is all blue and dark. It is the ocean coming out of her. Beware of her songs!
Will he ever stop? Michael Meru has done it again! He used one of his potions on himself again and has grown himself a monkey tail along with a second penis. I wonder how he is in bed now?
Listen up! Mercedes Jones wears a fat suit. She has lost so much weight but is ashamed of her body now that she wears a fat suit to hide her now thin self. If you get me a picture of skinny Mercedes I will pay you!
Biggest surprise of all! Etta Davis has become a nun! She has taken the vows and will forever be celibate! I bet you she still looks hot as nun. I’d bang her.
Oh Lily Snow, how you have changed. Once you feared her and her family and now she is domestic as a pussy cat. You no longer have to fear her because she has changed into a good sweet girl. We already miss the old badass Lily.
With a new hooker in town Agron Fury is all out of business. He has moved onto the sushi business though so don’t worry! You can see him laying naked covered in sushi at Pho Chan’s restaurant in Serenity Village. We have pictures!
First she has no memory and now she has memory. I think Bella Meru was lying the whole time. Some huge ruse to get out of the tests and any responsibility. I saw she gets kicked out of school for playing such a sick joke on us!
No more freaky Irish Roy Flanagan for us! A very reliable source has told me that he has been banned from the United States! I wonder what he did? Maybe he had something to do with the attack? Probably.
Natasha Romanoff wants you to think everything is hunky dory with her new boy toy but it isn’t! He is leaving her unsatisfied which means she has gone back to Clint. Apparently she must not have been in Hunter’s sex tape.
Bryan Ryan is clearly no longer the most popular teacher at school now that Derek has come on staff and our poor DADA teacher can’t take it! He is losing his hair quickly and is now wearing a wig! First person to get it off of his head will become famous!
Lonnie Drane had been kicked out of school for an unknown reason but she got back in for one specific reason and it was because got on her knees. She gave Headmaster Figgins the most fantastic head he had ever gotten before apparently.
Santana Lopez is a low paid dominatrix! She was in need of money and sex is the only skill she apparently had. Look for her at the Naughty Pussy! Meow!
New girl in town Georgia Powell come off completely dumb and stupid because she is. She was kicked out of her last school because she failed every class! Headmaster Figgins has clearly has taken pity on her and allowed her to come to Hogwarts.
Apparently the silencing spell wasn’t enough to keep Irene Desmarais from talking because she was killed! Murdered! Are we sad to see her go? I am a little. But just a little.
Everyone has forgotten poor Will Schuester, even with the glee club winning Nationals, because there is a curse on him to make us forget. Will who?
My sources say that Cas Blackwood has been seen with a student. How scandalous! Will he keep his job? What does he do anyways? Who is the student?
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And that is it for now folks! Watch your backs and keep your ears open for gossip!