Kaden realised instinctively that Luna's swoon was something other than lightheadedness, that it was - and he could think of no better way to describe it - some form of escape. He'd do a similar thing, at home, when things were bad. Not collapsing, because that showed a physical weakness that would have been beaten out of him, but at the worst of times he'd float out of his head, away from the body that things were happening to.
It wasn't a choice, his mind would just do it. He'd watched his shooting lessons with Barak from somewhere distant behind his eyes. He'd watched himself fall apart on the bathroom floor at school after almost shooting Hecate as if he was hanging from the ceiling. Their last Thanksgiving party he had been so desperate not to be there that it felt like the desperation pried his brain out of his body and the crowbar marks made him feel wrong all the next day, like each time his brain clawed itself free it left deeper scars.
He felt wrong now, just... So wrong. Watching Luna start to unbutton her shorts made him want to reach out and stop her. She'd been so distressed about him being there, and even though she was smiling now... If he was going to watch someone undress, it should be because she wanted him to watch her, not because someone had told her to.
And at the same time, he wanted Peitho to tell him to undress. Please - he'd do it...
And at the same time, he wanted to close his eyes somewhere in the dark where no one could touch him or see him.
And everything got so much worse when Luna collapsed, and Peitho said he should leave, because he had to pull himself back into his body (when had he started to leave it?) and connect with his physical form enough to nod and stand and walk away.
"I'm..." he began, but he didn't know what he was. Sorry? Did that even begin to cover what he was?
"I hope she's ok, thanks..."
Kaden fled.
It was awful, standing outside the apartment with his back pressed against the wall. It was awful. He touched his lips where Peitho had kissed him and he ran a hand over his hair where she'd stroked, and he pressed his hand over his thigh where she'd been running her hand and he wasn't hard anymore but still so sensitive and his hand anywhere near his groin made his whole mind just ricochet out of his body.
Today should have been... Nothing like it was.
You don't know how many crying and desperate people I have to kick out of here in the morning-
How much worse would he feel if he was leaving here in the morning? Would he be as crying and desperate and eternally hungry and unsatisfiable as Luna had warned?
(Or would he be elated, and fulfilled and special and -)
He kept thinking about the way she unbuttoned her shorts, though.
The way she'd pulled off her top because Peitho told her to.
The way her eyes went blank.
The way she fell.
It’s different for me - I’m an adult. I’ve made vows- her voice followed him out, echoing over and over in his head as he stepped out of the apartment building and onto the street. The city was packed with people, people who brushed up against him as they powerwalked past, people who made him jump when they touched him, made his skin crawl. Inside his head, her words kept swirling. I’ve made vows - she uses people up - it’s different for me-
The way her eyes went blank.
The way she fell.
It’s a free country he’d said, like an idiot, like a child.