Saint Patrick ☘ (shamrocked_) wrote in nevermore_logs, @ 2011-02-03 11:52:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | michael, saint patrick |
Who: Patrick and Michael
What: More talking. Beware, Patrick sometimes talks in circles. Imagine having him in YOUR head.
When: Wednesday Morning
Where: Michael's apartment
Patrick had been quiet since John and David had discussed their differing views on theology and Patrick and John's relationship. He hadn't been brooding or moody, and when spoken to, he reacted with his usual enthusiasm. He rarely spoke when not spoken to, however, because he was busy thinking.
This mind hadn't been on David's views on his relationship. In Patrick's mind, David could think what he wanted, and that was fine. Patrick was going to continue on as he had been because he knew it was right for them. He didn't give that part of the events of the that day a second thought. His contemplations were all focused on his own growth and the changes he had gone through. And by the time Wednesday morning rolled around, Patrick was finally ready to speak to someone about it.
He arrived at Michael's home a little after ten, and despite knowing Michael was working from home, Patrick knocked anyway. Michael answered the door moments later, a tiny, grey kitten in his hands. "Patrick," Michael breathed. "Come in. I am working from home today because every time I leave this demon creature, he urinates on my bed sheets."
Patrick stepped inside and out of the cold, confused by the greeting. "Hello, yourself," he grinned at Michael and then he reached out for the kitten. "He's adorable," Patrick cooed as the kitten rolled over in his arms and gazed up at him.
"He is demonspawn, I do not doubt it for a second," Michael hissed. "Sid was well behaved. That thing is...he is pure evil. Do you want a kitten?"
"Oh, after you dressed it up so nicely? I think I'll pass," Patrick replied, but he continued to offer the tiny cat his fingers so the kitten could bat playfully at them. "We have enough animals, and Grey Cat already holds the title for demonspawn in our apartment. Give him to Peter or something if you want to get rid of him."
Michael just sighed and Patrick watched him as he took a seat on the sofa and clicked his laptop closed. "I am sorry, Saint Patrick. You didn't come here to discuss my feline woes. How are you?"
"Okay," Patrick replied honestly. Where he used to fear Michael, he now felt strangely at ease with the angel. Michael had saved him from selling his soul, and afterwards Patrick had stayed with him for a while. He felt he understood Michael much better now. He was able to take a seat opposite Michael without stammering if it was alright if he sat down. "First things first. I never really honestly thanked you for what you did that night you burst in on Lucifer, Satan and me. Michael...thank you. You saved my soul. Please don't think I don't know how much you did for me that night."
"I was doing my job," Michael said calmly, but he was smiling in a way Patrick had rarely seen before. It put him even more at ease. "You are welcome, Saint Patrick."
"I wanted to thank you for making me stay here too, even though I went crazy by the end of it. I did need that kind of...attention, shall we say. And then John offered to stay with me instead and if that hadn't happened..." Patrick trailed off and he scratched the kitten's ears.
"Did you just thank me for driving you so crazy you had to seek outside help which led to a relationship?" Michael asked, looking amused.
"Yes," Patrick nodded. "That is what I did."
"Well then you're welcome for that too."
With that out of the way, there was really nothing keeping him from talking about what he had come here to discuss. With a deep breath, Patrick breached the topic. "Michael, do I give off a 'please protect me' vibe? Becau-"
"Yes," Michael interrupted him. "Yes you do."
"Oh...wow, that was...definitive."
"Saint Patrick, not a week ago, you climbed into a car with a complete stranger and let them take you where ever they wanted to go. That doesn't exactly scream 'I can take care of myself'."
Patrick sighed and he glued his eyes on the kitten's fuzzy head. His feline eyes were squeezed closed in contentment and Patrick felt focusing on that was nicer than focusing on his inability to take care of himself. "You're right. I can't take care of myself all the time. Is that...bad?"
Michael didn't answer right away, and Patrick looked up in alarm at the angel's silence. When he saw Michael studying him, Patrick bit his lip in worry. Finally, the angel spoke. "No, Patrick. There is nothing wrong with needing help from time to time. You have been through so much and you know it was worse for you when you didn't ask for help. Now you have people beside you and you seem so much better for it."
"I am so much better," Patrick said firmly. "But then...I act like a big kid and sometimes I don't think that really helps people see me as capable of making my own decisions."
"Saint Patrick," Michael said, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. "Your joy, you enthusiasm and your exuberance is a blessing. Few people who have lived for so long could find such absolute joy in so many things. Don't you dare lose that, Patrick. It is a gift, and I for one am grateful for it."
Patrick was aghast. He knew by now that Michael didn't hate him as he had once believed, but he had still thought Michael considered him flighty and ridiculous. And Patrick didn't completely disagree with him. The enthusiasm and child-like wonder was new. It had probably come into his personality at the same time as parades started being held in his honour. He had never thought of it as a blessing before, and certainly not one an archangel would be grateful for. "Why?"
"I am all too serious, Patrick. You remind me...you remind all of us that there is more to life than study and prayer and reflection. There is rejoicing in the things God has given us, be it music, or memories, or spending time with the people we love."
"And I do that?"
"Of course you do. It is very hard to be around you and not smile." Patrick couldn't begin to express how much just that had lifted his heart, so instead he beamed at Michael while the angel continued speaking. "Tell me what brought this on?"
Patrick shook his head, unwilling to divulge the entire story. "I...wonder sometimes that people might feel I am too damaged to live my own life. To make my own decisions. It's not the actions of one person, it's...everyone." That was truth. It wasn't only David who had brought on Patrick's introspection. He knew Agatha and Peter spoke about him behind his back. George had yelled, and rightfully so, about the car incident. He was sure people discussed the things he had been through, and all of it was justified. People talked about the people they loved. Patrick didn't begrudge any of them a single second of it. But it made him wonder... "Are they right? Am I completely incapable of taking care of myself? Will I always be? And if I am...what's the point?"
"You are not incapable of it, you simply haven't always done the best job." Patrick had to hand it to Michael, he was honest. "And as I said before, when that happens, you have people to help you through it."
"But..." Patrick groaned and he stood up, pacing back and forth. The kitten awoke and began to look a little frightened at Patrick's jerky movements. "I might make bad decisions sometimes, but I am not broken! Not any more!"
"Of course you aren't, Patrick."
"I don't want to be treated like I'm damaged any more. I have my issues, but I- I don't want that to control me! I don't want people to tell me what I should or shouldn't do as if they know what I can handle better than I can. Which...to be fair, wasn't actually what happened, but it felt that way."
"Patrick," Michael said gently. "Patrick, stop pacing. You'll make the demonspawn dizzy and it will vomit on my carpet."
"Huh?! Oh..." Patrick put the kitten down on the floor and he happily trotted over to climb into one of Michael's empty shoes. Patrick sank slowly down to the sofa and he sighed. "Sorry."
"Don't apologise. Patrick, if you don't want your issues to control you, don't let them control you."
"That simple, hmm?" Patrick groaned. "I know, I'm just...complaining about nothing."
"Of course you aren't. And no, it isn't simple. It is a struggle, which is why you have people by your side. If you feel like you have reached a place where you don't need quite so much assistance, tell them."
"That's...kind of what I did. I think I hurt someone's feelings. I just feel like...if people keep trying to make decisions for me and telling me how to live my life, I might snap at them. And it'll probably be John I snap at, because he's with me most often and he doesn't even- John is wonderful and he doesn't try to control my life, but I'm at the point where I might yell if someone told me to wear a jacket and happened to catch me in a wrong mood. And I don't want to yell 'I can do it, I'm an adult!' because that doesn't exactly prove my point there..." Patrick loved the way John took care of him because it was different than telling him what he was and wasn't ready for. The thought of blowing up at John...or at any of them just for being there for him was horrifying.
"Then show them you are moving away from a place where you need so much help. You are surrounded by loving people and they will understand."
"And start by not getting into strange cars and letting them take me to strange places?" Patrick asked.
"That would be a good start, yes. How much have you seen of your brothers lately, Patrick?"
At that question, Patrick turned flaming crimson. Michael might as well have flat-out asked him if all the time he spent having sex was cutting into the time he would normally spend with his brothers. "Er..."
"If I might make a suggestion, perhaps spending some time with them to show them you are in a better place now would do you all some good. I am by no means suggesting you are spending too much time with John, please understand. I can see the good it's doing you. But you came to see me today and we are speaking about fairly deep things. I know without a doubt you couldn't have spoken to me like this in November. Therefore, I can see the change in you. Perhaps make the time and discuss where you are with them. You have come a long way, but there is more road to travel yet."
"And bitching and moaning about people not taking me seriously isn't what I should be focused on?" Patrick supplied with a sigh. "To be honest, I don't really think this was ever about that. That was....misdirection." And there it was. The truth behind what had been niggling at him for days. "It's about me being in this situation to begin with. I should be better than this. I shouldn't need people to worry over me like they have been. I have put people in that position. I would snap at the people I love and say it was because I don't need to be nannyed, when really I'm snapping because I'm frustrated at myself. You're right. I don't want to be the broken one any more and so...I won't be. I hope." Patrick sighed and then he rolled his eyes. "I must frustrate the lot of you so much."
Michael stood then, and he beckoned to Patrick. "Stand up."
Patrick didn't like the sound of that, but he did as he was told because it was Michael. He stood and eyed the angel warily as Michael approached him. When Michael wrapped his arms around Patrick, Patrick was so shocked, he didn't even return the hug at first. "Er..."
"I am learning here. Go with it."
At that, Patrick chuckled and he hugged Michael back. "Does this mean I don't frustrate you?" Patrick asked cheekily.
"I didn't say that, Saint Patrick," Michael said, releasing his hold. Michael smiled again and Patrick felt like even if he had talked himself in circles, he had figured a few things out. Hopefully instead of a step backwards this was a step...well...sideways. It wasn't a step forward until he did something about what he had been feeling.
"Fair enough, really," Patrick smiled right back.
"I enjoy your company despite that. And don't think I assume for a second I don't frustrate all of you sometimes as well. Do you want to stay for pancakes? The snow is horrible outside, and you should keep warm. Though...it is your decision... And whatever you decide is fine."
Patrick snorted at Michael backtracking so his invitation seemed like exactly that. An invitation and not Michael telling Patrick to stay because the weather outside was frightful and he couldn't face it. "I'd like that," Patrick said with a nod and a grin. "Thank you, Michael."
"Any time."