Polyxena (manyxenas) wrote in nevermore_logs, @ 2012-06-06 07:41:00 |
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Entry tags: | achilles, polyxena |
Who: Achilles and Polyxena
What: Achilles calls Polyxena over after everything and keeping himself at a distance. (Originally written by Achilles)
When: Saturday evening
Where: Achilles' apartment
There was a force weighing in heavy when Achilles got up that morning. He'd attempted to write on his script that he'd dared not touch for months. It did no use to ease that uncomfortable vibe rolling through him. Briseis, Patroclus, they both caused him to hold onto his resentment. Whenever he felt he'd made it to an okay place in his mind he took four steps back. It was enough to bring tears to his eyes. They meant more to him than any single person outside of his mother, but for some reason he was constantly trying to grow from them. It didn't work.
He'd never taken to drink as a vice, not since his first years being brought back into this world. He'd never felt it important to use it as means to cope. But he had already had more wine that he usually allotted himself. He had a war veteran's speech to make on Father's Day and he was already contemplating on not showing. It was all about him right now and he wanted someone there that would snap him out of it.
Achilles had called Polyxena over after having spent weeks (it could have been months) of no word. He felt after Briseis he would just tell himself there was nothing there between them, but that wasn't true either. It had been a blow to his system when he woke that next morning. When he and Briseis had settled that this would never be between them again. At best, their friendship couldn't be anymore and that made him sick inside. He downed another glass of wine quickly, pulling on a tank top and some cargo pants. He wasn't going to dress up for this evening. He wasn't even sure why he kept pulling Polyxena into this. Maybe that curious fascination with her, despite her betrayals could be just what he needed.
Polyxena hadn't really noticed she had gone so long without seeing Achilles. She had her own life to lead and while Achilles certainly held fascination for her, she wasn't going to hang around waiting for the phone to ring.
When it did, she agreed to come over. She dressed in casual clothes and arrived right on time. She had a large overnight bag with her, in case. She knocked on his door and once she was admitted she looked him over in a cursory manner.
"You're drinking," she noted though she didn't divulge whether she thought that was good or bad. Merely an observation.
He finished off his glass, setting it on the table as she came in. He wasn't drunk or tipsy, but it was starting to numb his senses.
"Am I not allowed?" he asked with intensity, though he knew he didn't do this. He'd not even ever allowed Absinthe to take him over with her drink. It just wasn't what he did.
"Of course you're allowed," Polyxena shrugged. "It's just strange is all. Why the booze?" she asked, going to plant a kiss on his cheek.
He could have lashed out, her question feeling threatening even when it wasn't. His senses were dull so he took it calmly. "Much has happened since I've seen you." He turned his cheek from her, letting her lips plant against his with a soft kiss.
"I slept with Briseis." It was almost as if his heart bled to say it. Not because he didn't feel some guilt, but because he knew now nothing between he and Briseis would ever be anymore than it was. She loved him for what he gave her then during a time of war, but what was between them now felt void and his heart couldn't keep taking the punches.
Polyxena reached for his hand then, her slightly unworried exterior slipping to deep concern. "Oh, Achilles. Are you alright?" Polyxena knew Briseis was important to the warrior even if she wasn't aware just HOW important she was.
It wasn't what he expected, but what was between he and Polyxena was vastly different, undefined or not. "No, I am not, but I will be." His gaze dropped feeling his heart clench again. "I know now more than ever that what lay between us will never be as it once was. I've got to let her go in that respect. I just feel that each time I take a step forward I move back. It's not fair to her, to me, or anyone." He raised his eyes again to meet hers.
Polyxena gave his hand a squeeze and then she ran her fingers through her hair. "Achilles, if you stop stepping backwards and it hurts you, then stop doing whatever it is that makes you feel like you're stepping backwards." To Polyxena it seemed obvious. But then again, she and Achilles were very different people.
"I think I am programed to be this way, at times I still fail." He'd tried, many times to move on from this. It proved how different they were. Polyxena was always willing to take what was given to her where Achilles wallowed in his guilt.
"When I asked for you then. For your sacrifice, why did you willingly go?" He wasn't sure why that question above all others dragged itself up, but in looking into her face he wanted to know. Perhaps they could solidify this once he knew.
Polyxena arched her eyebrow at him and she shrugged one shoulder. "My choices were to die, or be left and ravaged as spoil of war. Your son would have had me if I hadn't submitted, that's for damn sure. And he wouldn't have been the only one. It was like...you freed me in a way."
He had never seen it that way before. He had spared her once when he killed her brother. It seemed his soul still needed rest. He'd not even taken Briseis with him when it would have been kind to kill her than leave her to the fate Polyxena had been spared. It didn't work out that way.
"You should loathe me. Want me dead for all I caused you, for a war I truly did not wish to fight in the end." But, right now, he needed her. He hadn't said it yet but it sat in his eyes.
Polyxena flashed him a toothy grin then. "Well I die for you so you don't get to tell me what to do anymore." She knew she should hate him, but she didn't. There was just something that drew her to Achilles.
"I don't loathe you. And I don't feel like looking into why. I'll just know I don't and leave it at that."
It was a strange thing that drew them together. She was but a girl when he first saw her. By the time he left the war he had still been young, but more a man than most who did not chose war.
"You are kind." She was to put it aside when there was a lot he could not forgive himself for. He took a step forward, drawing a hand to her cheek. He would demand they figure what this was instead of leaving it an open door. "What am I to you now?"
Polyxena put her hand over his and she considered that. "I think that depends on you," she finished. "Are you going to call for my sacrifice again any time soon?"
"You tease me with that kind of talk." She wad blunt with good humor. "I have no use now. Just as I assume you have no use for betrayal." In truth he told her his weakeness in hopes that she would use it against him. He had been so tired of war at that point. He'd wanted it to be over.
"Neither of us have any use for betrayal," she said, moving closer to him. She leaned in and brushed her lips with his. "We don't have to be on opposite sides of anything anymore. Nothing divides us unless we let it. Are we going to let it?"
He was frozen by those words, they felt entirely sincere. Understanding. His eyes closed against the soft touch of her lips against his. All that could be heard was the steady beat of his heart, letting it be the deciding factor. He needed this or he was going to destroy himself.
His eyes remained closed as he spoke, letting the wetness build up behind the lids. "No, we do not." They weren't in Troy anymore as much as his dreams tried to tell him otherwise. They would do this together and maybe he could live day to day without so many regrets still. When his eyes opened they were glazed over, his hands coming to curl around her face. "No," was his final whisper answering that lingering question in the air. She wanted this as well. His forehead leaned on his. "Save me again," he said, a demand all in it's own, but he admitted with open arms her betrayal had been his only saving grace then.
"Save you with kindness instead of betrayal, and you will save me with love in place of death?" she asked, amused. She kissed Achilles' eyes and smiled at him. "What a pair we are."
She broke that hard exterior with a smile, he felt easy again. His fingers curled into her hair, that kiss received whole heartily. It was a hard thing for him to admit love for another as much as he pined for Briseis, but he was always stopping at the same point. He felt more heartache than ease. This was different.
"A step forward." In a world that tried to turn back time. He gave her a small smile. He kissed her gingerly now, her delicate face still gently within his hands, accepting this.
They could take as many steps forward as they needed to. Polyxena wanted to help him and she was willing to admit he could help her too. Even if he didn't know it, that was not a small thing for her to acknowledge.
She wrapped her arms around him then and received his kisses gladly. "Don't hide anymore from me, Achilles. There's no need."
What had once been a young boy's intrigue that let Polyxena go that day on the sands of Troy was now what was pulling him back into her arms. Love could grow and blossom. Love was never unknown to him, it was just who he chose to give his heart to.
"I don't intend to." His nose brushed hers lightly, feeling himself lift into somewhere happier than the brutal ruins of war he left himself in.