Temperance (middle_path) wrote in nevermore_logs, @ 2013-11-04 11:12:00 |
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Current mood: | discontent |
Current music: | "Broken Inside" by Broken Iris |
Entry tags: | temperance, zoe hansen |
WHO: Jonah and Zoe
WHEN: Monday, October 14 [Backdated]
WHERE: Zoe/Jonah's apartment
WHAT: The big, sweet Virtue swoops in to try and save the day...
WARNING: Jonah being cute?
It was morning when Jonah showed up to find Zoe curled up on the couch. She looked like awful, even worse he could feel the inner confusion. Her mind was in a state of unrest. The blanket had slipped off her shoulders so he pulled it up over her curled form trying his best to not wake her.
He was in the kitchen when she came to, fixing a healthy breakfast of fresh fruit, eggs and toast. Even a fresh pot of tea.
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The sounds in the kitchen and the smell roused her from her sleep and she figured she'd fallen asleep for a few hours since it was bright and sunny outside, she didn't know she'd slept for almost a full day. She didn't move from the couch, didn't want to. She knew she smelled. She hadn't showered, she was sure there was still glitter and sweat and stench of throw up and drugs sticking to her. But she didn't want to move. Her mouth felt like cotton and she was sure she looked horrible. But still. She just lay there with her messy hair. She wanted to check the time but her cell phone was off because she didn't want to hear Greed's call. Worse, she was afraid he wouldn't call. Leaving the phone off seemed the best solution.
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"Morning sleepyhead..." Jonah spoke with a charming smile to hide the concern. He wouldn't hit her with a wall of questions just yet. She needed to shower and get some food in her system. "Why don't you have a warm bath. The food will be ready when you come out. I hope you like strawberries. I bought some at the store this morning."
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Zoe hated Jonah for being so cheery. She wanted to crawl in a dark hole and lay there but her stomach was grumbling and the smell was even starting to bother her so she dragged herself off the couch and didn't even look at him as she got steady on her wobbly legs. She did as he suggested though and disappeared into the bathroom for about an hour, brushing her teeth, washing her hair and doing what relaxed all water babies, having a nice soak.
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When she returned she looked refreshed. "I hope you're hungry." He sat the plates down on the table. English muffins, a variety of fruit and some fresh brown eggs fried over easy. He handed her a fresh cup of tea with cream and sugar. He had no idea if she liked it but she looked like she needed a littke sweetness. "Come eat," he urged her softly.
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She was wearing a grey tank and shorts, not a stitch of makeup, and her hair was damp. She didn't say anything and only at his urging she took a seat at the table. Her hand stayed on the mug but she didn't sip, she just looked at the food and seemed on the verge of tears all over again.
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Jonah could see that whatever had been troubling her earlier had just risen to the surface. He couldn't help but look worried now. "Zoe," he sat down the last tray of pineapple and strawberries, putting his hands on her shoulders. "You don't have to talk just yet." He wasn't going to force her, she just looked like she needed comfort. He took the mug from her hands, putting his own around her in a hug. "Just let it out."
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She shook her head. She didn't want to cry anymore, she didn't want to talk about it, she didn't want to do anything. But she couldn't resist his kindness, it was what Gabe would have done and she broke down in sobs. She was still very weak but her mind was clearing and that just made things worse. The man she loved hated her and wanted to see her hurt. She could feel it physically stab in her chest and just wanted everything to stop.
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"Hey, hey," he rubbed a hand up and down her back trying to get her to stay calm. He could only speculate what had caused this but it probably wasn't the right time to start needling about Greed. He wouldn't let go until she pushed him off. He just wrapped her in his arms lovingly hoping that it offered her the comfort she needed. Seeing her so distraught, a mental and physical wreck literally made Jonah cringe. Letting his own emotions intermingle with hers wasn't going to help her any, he just needed to give her the time to settle before jumping in.
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She cried for a few minutes, long and hard, all her heartbreak pouring out in his arms. Eventually she'd stop, taking a break to take a breath but she didn't push him away, she literally was too weak at the moment. "I'm sorry... I got snot on your shirt..." she said quietly.
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"It's washable," he smiled not letting his arms break their embrace. "You're welcome to stay as long as you like." Holding her felt so natural. She was soft despite the brokenness inside.
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She scoffed a short laugh, "I'd like to think so.. I live here." misunderstanding what he meant. She pulled back from him with a big sigh, "I'm sorry, I'm such a mess." he must think she was a lunatic. She covered her face with her hands for a moment to collect herself and then dropped them, keeping her eyes closed for a few seconds before opening them and looking at the food. Her stomach growled again but she couldn't bring herself to eat anything.
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Jonah couldn't help but laugh, not directly at her but at her sweet, sweet confusion. "I mean here," he shook his arms, still keeping them in a loose embrace. He found he didn't really want to let her go. "It's okay." He wiped away a stray tear from her cheek with his thumb. "You're upset about something, that is nothing to be sorry about." People left too much bottled inside, it usually came out in strong lashes later if they didn't let it seep out when it wanted to.
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She gave him a small and brief smile, "You're very sweet." and she meant it. She was an ugly sobbing crazy person and he wanted to comfort her. She shook her head and poked a strawberry, "Chance doesn't like it when I cry.. he says I 'leak' too much.." her mood instantly going depressed again.
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"It does make you very pitiful." He rubbed the other cheek with his hand. "I wouldn't say you leak too much, I think you just have a lot of emotions and that's okay." Why should be ashamed of such things? She spoke like it was horrible to feel so much. If there was more of that in the world today instead of people being plugged up into electronics, maybe they would all feel a bit more. The world would be a much better place if there was more empathy.
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She didn't respond nor reject his touch and poked the strawberry again saying quietly, "I wish I didn't..." all her emotions had her in this mess now.
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"Well, I'm telling you not to think that way. People hold too much in. It's okay to get a little crazy sometimes." He pushed back the shorter layer of hair that had fallen in front of her face. "You aren't a mess in case that's what you're thinking."
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She put one bare foot on chair and wrapped her arms around it loosely as she raised her gaze to him. She needed that bit of distance between them too. "I am. I'm a big mess. I'm in love with a guy who hates me. I don't wanna see him but I can't stop thinking about why he isn't here. I'm a giant cliche of a weak woman and I could not be more the definition of a mess."
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Once the space was put between them he could tell she was trying to build herself up out of this mess, whatever it had been. "Hates you?" He hadn't yet asked what happened, but she had opened the door and he took the opportunity to enter. Filling himself a cup of tea he sat in the chair opposite to her urging her silently to do the same. A little food in her system would help more than she realized. She needed some energy instead of walking around like a zombie.
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She broke off a corner of a slice of toaste but didn't eat it. "Yes. The opposite of love. What you do when you want to hurt someone." she knew it sounded bad but it was bad. But she wouldn't look at him as she just focused on shredding the toast.
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He plucked off a few piece of pineapple from the plate and an english muffin for himself. "Did something happen at the convention?" He knew she'd been going with Greed which in itself he couldn't stop her from. He'd just moved in, he couldn't lay down any ground rules or anything, not that he had the place to. It would be way too forward for some guy she had yet to be best buds with yet, but in time maybe he could control more of her time by taking her out, going places that kept her at a distance from the Sin.
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She didn't know what to say. If she told him that Greed physically was crushing her, Jonah would go back to thinking she was a domestic abuse victim. If she told him about the drugs... it'd be her grandfather all over again. He's gonna get you killed, Zoe. Do you have a deathwish, he's dangerous... she kept ripping up the toast but had yet to eat it as she said, "He kissed another girl in front of me." her eyes glued to the crumbs that were flaking off. She talked about the drugs with her granfather, but this... the cheating. That was something she hadn't processed.
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Jonah wanted to reach out to still her hands. He had one ready when she kept plucking at the toast like a bird. All this food would be horrible to go to waste. He'd worked on it all morning just for her. She finally spoke, though he was sure that wasn't the entire story---he'd take what he could get. What had possessed Greed---wait---this was Greed there was no excuse. Sins languished in selfishness. He couldn't say he didn't see this coming. "I'm sorry," but he really wasn't all that sorry, it was inevitable. She had to know that. "He does appear to revel in the attention." That was the nice way of putting it. He had no idea about their "no sex" situation which had been a huge part of Greed's annoyance.
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She stopped picking apart the bread for a moment, she was going to say something but then had a thought and looked at him, "He does... how do you know that?" she wasn't accusing him at all, she was wondering what she'd told him about Greed that made him think that.
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Jonah had himself in a trap and he'd slipped. "Well, young, attractive guy. That's a given for most boys." Jonah wasn't most because he did not look at himself through the lens of what made people beautiful on the outside. He looked at their inner beauty, something Zoe had lots of. He hoped that was a suffice answer, because if not he'd have to find a new way to dig himself out of this before she picked up on the fact that he knew more than he was letting on.
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She watched him for a moment but then let it go, "Then I guess you like the attention too." she didn't let him say contrary as she pushed on, this time bringing a tiny bit of the toast up to her lips but still not eating, "He was so mad... we ran into my first boyfriend. Chance... he can get so jealous sometimes." she was staring at the fruit as if she was just talking without thinking about it really.
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"What? Me?" He seemed stunned. A bit surprised. "No, not at all." His brows contorted in his confusion. He very clearly did not look at himself in that light. At all. "I'm not a flashy guy." He was still a guy, but not the kind that used looks to their advantage. His attention went back to the story she was unraveling one little string at a time. "How jealous?" His voice hit a little deeper worried at what she might say in reply.
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How jealous did Greed get... she thought she'd seen him get jealous over Mike before but with Derek. Because he was her first... something really got to Greed. "Dark..." she focused on the fruit as if she expected it to burst, "He...." but she trailed off, not willing to tell him the extent of how dark Greed got. She popped the small piece of toast in her mouth, "You know, he's not a commitment type of guy. I think the only reason why he agreed to a relationship is that it drove him nuts to think of me with someone else. I told him he could sleep with other girls if he wanted." she swallowed the bread and it scratched at her throat the entire way down or maybe it was tears threatening to choke her again, she looked at Jonah bewildered and asked in a hush voice, "Why did I think he wouldn't?"
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Everything she said just made his head spin. Was she serious? Did she honestly know what Greed was to make that sort of bargain? It was absurd on so many levels. He didn't know a sane person that would put themselves into that kind of situation. Clearly Greed had something to do with swaying her. "Wait a minute..." he paused trying to adjust his mind to the things she was saying. "You agreed to him being with other women?" What kind of relationship was that?
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"Yeah I did..." she rested her chin on her knee, her hair falling forward again. "I know it sounds crazy but.. that was the only way. He's... a free spirit. If you tell him no, it makes him want that thing more. So I said yes. I let him have the choice and I wanted to believe as long as he had options and I didn't force him, he'd choose me..." and it all sounded so stupid to her now but only because Greed didn't choose her. But isn't that what she had been scared about all along? Didn't she know that one day he wouldn't? She did... but she didn't think it'd happen so soon.
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It did sound crazy. "So, that means you give up your happiness just to let him be that free spirit?" It still seemed so absurd for her to buy into that. It wasn't practical. It wasn't a relationship. She was sacrificing herself and he nothing.
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She shook her head, Jonah was twisting it... wasn't he? "It's not...." she didn't know how to argue it and picked at another piece of bread as she swallowed the lump in her throat saying pitifully, "He makes me happy..." so she wasn't giving it up by making that deal... she was keeping her happiness. Wasn't she?
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"How does he make you happy when he has you feeling like this?" He motioned a hand up and down. She was so drawn into herself, without touching her it was hard for Jonah to keep her from spiraling into depression---so he used the next best thing. His words.
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Zoe didn't answer him and didn't move for a few long moments but he'd see why in a minute... her hair was in her face but a drop fell off the side of her chin... she was crying again. She felt like he'd made her swallow broken glass and everything was hurting. She couldn't blame it on anything either... because he knew what he was doing. He knew. He wanted to hurt her. Physically and emotionally. And she couldn't hide from that.
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"Zoe," Jonah reached out a hand when she started up again. She was so broken. It broke his heart to see her like this. "Talk to me," urged her carefully. He wanted to know more. He wanted to be the one to make her happy.
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"No!" she barely noticed him reaching out his hand, "There is nothing to talk about! I used to think we could talk things out but it didn't work. And you know why?" she was ranting but it was more like blubbering because her tears wouldn't stop, "Because I will never be enough for him. Ever. And he knows it, and he has no argument for it so I try." she put her hand on top of Jonah's and looked at him with her face crumpling, "I really do." as if she was trying to convince him. She threw her hand up again and it landed on the table, "But I always.. get it wrong. It's not good enough or right or what he imagined or what he wanted. But how am I supposed to know that? He wants me to read his mind half the time and then he gets mad about..." she trailed off, looking troubled before picking up steam again, "But how am I supposed to help that?" she sniffled and touched the back of her hand to her nose.
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She wasn't making any sense. All he could get out of it was that she wasn't enough. He squeezed her hand gently, waiting for the right moment to get a word in. "Zoe, don't blame yourself. You are enough. Maybe he isn't, and he shouldn't be the guy to waste your time on. "
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She didn't say anything for the longest time. His words were the stock standard words you said to your friend in these situations. Finally she said quietly, "Everyone thought we wouldn't make it..." she really wanted them to be wrong. But if Greed was so unhappy that he'd physically harm her... it was best for both of them to step back.
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"What is it you think?" He wanted her to make this decision on her own, but he couldn't hide that he hoped this put her at a distance from Greed. Maybe for good.
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She thought about it and took a deep breath. She still loved Greed. She couldn't just turn that off. But she didn't know what was going on with him. Why he was trying to hurt her.. she wouldn't stay in an abusive relationship. Especially not a physically abusive one. Maybe... breaking up would be for the best but she couldn't think right now. "I think... I need space."
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Jonah was sure she needed more than a break from Greed, she needed to get relief from him. "What happened? " Jonah asked softly. He didn't want to press but he needed to know for her safety. Greed was not allowed here as long as Jonah was home.
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She became fidgety, "I told you." came her sharp reply. She'd only told him about Greed kissing the other girl. There was so much more that happened but she was scared Jonah would think she was some stupid abuse victim.
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"There's nothing else you're hanging onto?" He was fishing for more. He needed to know as much as possible or he couldn't protect. He squeezed her hand again. "I just want to help."
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She tensed up and leaned a little away from him, "I.." there was no way to explain this without looking like she was a weak stepped on person. She avoided his eyes and said in a rush of words, "You wouldn't understand, so please leave it alone.."
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She tensed immediately and he's could tell he'd went too far. He hadn't meant to make her uncomfortable. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you. Forgive me." He took the empty plates off the table towards the sink. "You want some more tea?"
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She just nodded at his apology and hugged her knee to her chest. "Yes please..." her tea was untouched but cold. "I guess I should eat something more than two bites of bread. I'm just scared of throwing up again." she hated vomiting, it always felt like she was going to die.
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"Jelly on a muffin?" He ported her a fresh cup of tea with cream and sugar. "Once you eat I'm taking you out." He leaned against the counter with his own fresh cup. "You need to get out." After a few sips he put down the chip to pull out the jelly. If she were well enough she'd notice that he'd stocked the fridge. Before he'd moved in there wasn't much left in it except milk and bread.
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She nodded, jelly on a muffin sounded doable. She took the tea and sipped it wondering if it was a good thing or a bad thing Greed hadn't showed up. He was probably dick deep in that slut right now.. but she still worried about him. She shook her head and scoffed, looking down at her outfit of a tank and shorts, "Yeah.. no. I don't feel up to it." she looked at him with sad tired eyes, "Tomorrow, okay? Just right now.. I want to stay in and do nothing."