Patrick Clark | Patroclus (borrowed_armor) wrote in nevermore_logs, @ 2011-01-04 06:10:00 |
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Entry tags: | briseis, patroclus |
Who: Patroclus and Briseis
What: "I CAN TALK AGAIN oh you want to talk about REAL things, I just wanted to play Singstar..."
When: January 3rd
Where: Their apartment
The wire holding Patroclus' broken jaw together had finally been removed. It hurt to move his mouth after so long where it had been still, but the fact that he could speak at all was amazing.
And he was going to eat so much food. He had lost a lot of weight since he had been on a liquid diet. Demeter had done him a great honour and he had spent most of the time not feeling hungry, but nothing could change the fact that he still hadn't been able to give his body enough calories to keep weight on. He planned on changing that right away.
When he returned from the doctor, he walked through the door and called out to his housemate. "Briseis! I'm back!" Even if she was just in the other room, he was going to show off his mad talking skills. "And I brought so much food!" he said, placing the bags of take away on a convenient end table so he could take his coat off.
Briseis was packing for her two day trip to Tulsa (so it wasn't much, mostly camera equipment) when Parroclus came home and the blonde emerged from the bedroom with a smile when she heard him. "Feel good?" she asked, knowing it must have.
Patroclus grinned at Briseis, something else he hadn't been able to do in a long time. "It's amazing. It still hurts, but I don't even care right now." A lot of him still hurt, but it was nothing like it had been. He would sleep through the night without being awakened by pain. That was impressive.
"I hope you're hungry. Though I have a feeling I can probably eat all of this if you're not," he said with a chuckle.
"I noticed that you bought all the food in the world," Briseis nodded, coming to sit down on the couch as she watched him. "I just ate though, so I'll pick at things when you're done just so nothing goes to waste." She winked at her friend.
Patroclus nodded, carrying the food into the living room. He spread the boxes out on the table and he stared at them, trying to decide what to have first. "I tried to get softer things because I didn't want to get too ambitious. Steak and hard candy might have to wait," Patroclus grinned.
He reached for the box of teriyaki chicken and he opened it up. "So, how is your packing going?" he asked before taking a huge bite of the food. Then, before she could answer, he let out a happy sigh. "Oh...oh, Bri. Food."
Briseis laughed at his reaction and decided that despite the fact that the chicken did look good, she wouldn't steal any from the poor man yet.
"I'm almost done with the packing," Briseis nodded, "which is good, cause I've been wanting to talk to you about some things before I went now that you've got your mouth back."
Patroclus looked up at her in the middle of his bite. He swallowed a little roughly and then he put his fork down. Despite how good it felt just to eat something, he would always give Briseis his full attention if she needed it. And she sounded suddenly serious.
"What is it, Bri? Is everything okay?!"
Briseis shook her head. "Oh god, keep eating," she said, raising a hand. "I didn't mean to freak you out. Nothing's wrong."
Patroclus picked up his fork, but he didn't keep eating. "I'm not freaked out," he lied. "What did you want to talk about?"
He really hoped she didn't want him to move out. He liked living with her.
He was freaked out. He couldn't lie to Briseis that easily.
She looked over at him. "I wanted to talk to you about Achilles."
Patroclus blinked at that but when Briseis mentioned Achilles' name instead of suggesting he move out, he took another bite of chicken. "What about Achilles?" Pat asked, though he still felt wary for some reason he couldn't quite put his finger on.
"I wanted to see how you were feeling about him," Briseis continued. "You haven't exactly been able to talk about what he did to you and I know it can't have been easy to see him that way, and to know that he could hurt you."
Patroclus lost his appetite then. He put his fork back down and he bit his lip which felt strange enough since he had been unable to do so for quite some time.
"I always knew he could if he tried," Patroclus admitted because anyone who thought they could best Achilles was either a God, or wrong. "I just didn't think he ever would."
Briseis nodded gently. She knew she should do what she was about to do carefully but she didn't know exactly how to go about that. So her only option was just to say it. Things needed to stop festering and the sooner the better.
"And that's why it's worse that he did it to you and not some stranger on the street," she said. "Because you're in love with him."
Her words were firm but as gentle as she could make them. She already knew Patroclus was going to freak out at the mere suggestion of it.
Patroclus' eyes widened and he was glad he had put his fork down, because he might have choked on his food. "I'm what?!" Patroclus asked, looking shocked that she would say such a thing. Which was only a front, since he knew exactly what she was talking about.
"Patroclus," Briseis said, looking at him seriously, with a 'don't you lie to me' expression. "You're in love with Achilles. You know you are, and I know you are."
"Bri-" Patroclus shook his head and then he wrapped his arms around himself.
He didn't want to talk about this. "Bri, don't-"
Briseis didn't want to make him uncomfortable, not really, but this had been going on for far too long and no one had said anything. Someone had to.
"You have to admit this," Briseis said, reaching out and touching his arm gently. "Especially after what's happened. You can't just keep it all bottled up."
Patroclus shifted uncomfortably on the sofa and he continued to stare at her for a while before he said anything.
"I don't-" Patroclus sighed and he lowered his eyes to stare at the floor. "I don't understand how admitting that is going to change anything."
Briseis watched him for a long while and then gave him a sad little smile. "Do you think that I could ever judge you for that?"
"No," Patroclus said, not looking up for a second. "It's not about you at all." And then he realised that sounded a little snarky and he lifted his eyes to meet hers. "Briseis, I really don't...I don't want to talk about this. Why does it matter?"
"Because keeping it inside is eating you alive," Briseis said and then: "Isn't it? You love him, and you always have, and keeping it locked up... it'll just keep hurting."
Patroclus clenched his jaw and when that caused him quite a bit of pain, he winced and raised his hand to his face.
She was right. About most of it, anyway. Ignoring it had worked for a long time, and probably would have continued that way if Achilles hadn't beaten him. But Achilles had, and Patroclus had been hurt by someone he loved.
Briseis was the only person on this Earth Patroclus could imagine ever admitting it to, and so he said quietly, "it does hurt, Bri. It probably always will. And that's just...something I'll have to live with. Because Achilles, he...he loves you."
Briseis looked down, unable to help that she felt guilty that as a thirteen year old she'd been kidnapped and carried off by Achilles. She felt guilty that Achilles had fallen for her all those years ago. Stupid and pointless but she felt it anyway.
"I'm sorry," was all she could say. Not just because Achilles loved her, but because Achilles didn't love Patroclus.
She slid down onto the floor and on her knees in front of him, taking his hands in hers and kissing them.
"It's alright, Bri," Pat said, leaning forward to kiss her hair. "It's the way it's always been. Though I- I can't say seeing him break my face while he looked down at me in hatred is my favourite ever, super special memory. Look, I- I'll be alright."
Briseis sighed from her spot on the floor, looking up at him and trying to read how much was truth and how much was lies. It can't have been easy for Patroclus to listen (over and over and over) about how much the man he loved loved her instead.
"There's someone I think you should talk to," Briseis said. "He's a therapist." She continued so he wouldn't argue with her. "He deals with immortals a lot and I think you should talk to him about what happened with Achilles and Hybris. I think it would help. I've been seeing him about some things recently."
"You...you want me to see a shrink about this?" Patroclus asked, though he made sure he didn't sound judgemental there. "There's nothing I can do to change it."
"The shrink isn't because of how you feel about Achilles," Briseis told him with a shake of her head. "It's about what happened to you. Unless you tell me that you're perfectly fine and you know exactly how to process it all. I'm not going to push you, I'm just giving you the option."
"Ah." Patroclus wasn't perfectly fine. And he obviously didn't know how to process it. He wished he could simply scream at Achilles and tell him exactly how being crushed by Achilles' fists had made him feel, but he couldn't. He didn't even know how to begin.
"I-" Patroclus sighed and he rubbed his eye. "I think you have a good point. Bri? How uhm...how long have you known about uh...my feelings for Achilles? Because honestly, I didn't really know about them until his goddamn movie premiere."
"Considering public perception," Briseis said gently, "I would have been more surprised if you didn't have any feelings for him. I've known for a while."
If it weren't for public perception, Patroclus wouldn't be here. It was hard to be angry with the only thing that kept you around. Still, being portrayed as a pipsqueak in a very popular movie so that half the population who knew your name thought you were some kind of tiny man-child, and the other half saw you as some kind of symbol for the gay community wasn't easy. Patroclus was Greek. He had no problem with sex with anyone. His relationship with Achilles had always been one of utmost devotion and friendship. There had been love between them, but it had been the love of brothers.
He couldn't pinpoint the exact moment it had turned to love. Probably about the time Victorian poets had started reading in to things and interpreting them in new and homoerotic ways. Patroclus didn't think 'when' really mattered. 'How' didn't matter either. What mattered was that now he loved Achilles in two very different ways. One felt wrong because he didn't honestly feel it came from him, and the other meant he would listen to Achilles pine for Briseis until the end of time if that was as long as it took.
Even if it meant his heart was breaking inside.
Patroclus groaned and he rubbed his eyes before looking back over at Briseis. "I don't know what to say, Bri." Patroclus took Briseis' hands in his and he pulled her gently up onto the sofa beside him. "I don't know how I am supposed to act around him. I don't know if our friendship will ever be the same and it...it hurts."
"I know," Briseis said, although to be fair she couldn't really know. She shook her head with a sigh and then leaned forward to kiss his forehead. "I don't know any answers."