Chance Avaritia "Greed" (better_than) wrote in nevermore_logs, @ 2013-03-17 15:38:00 |
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Current mood: | depressed |
Entry tags: | greed, zoe hansen |
Who: Greed and Zoe
When: Friday, March 15th [Backdated] this ones super short!
What: The L-word? Oh and bad nightmares.
Where: Lithuania
They had been in this country for nearly two weeks, dragging Greed into a comfortable place in his head. Usually his thoughts spun around like a hamster on a wheel, but here it slowed down, detangling that massive web of thoughts and memories. In his sleep he was most vulnerable.
Just days before Greed had tapped into a closed door. He shared with Zoe things Lust wouldn't allow him to speak of. A door that was now wide open.
It was early one morning, back in the Moore estate. He was seated on the couch, reading the local paper which still broadcastd the suicide of Devlin's friend from poor investments.
Stella sat at the piano, her delicate fingers brushing over the black and white keys. She looked over to Greed, admiring the way the light from the window cast fragments against his face. It accentuated the bump in his nose, the curve of his lips, the soft delicate lashes on his eyes. She blushed turning away when he peeked over the paper, softly starting to play a waltz. She wasn't an exceptional player. It was actually her mistakes that caused Greed to drop the paper. She was so concentrated on her playing, determined with each note to make it better than the last. It was that spirit for a minute that kept him interested. It was when she was done that she broke that interest, hitting his bad side with just a few words. She was back to fumbling over her herself. He didn't want her fawning over him, dumped with nothing but himself and Lust. He was curious as to what else lurked in this little nineteen year old. But she wouldn'et show him. She wasn't Josie and he hated her for it.
Greed squeezed Zoe closer to him as that memory flooded through his mind. It was simple, nothing like the one that followed with Stella's limp body as he drug her out of the water. She had looked so angelic then. Finally, showing Greed herself when it was too late.
He cried at that moment, the tears escaping his tightly closed eyes as he buried himself into her arms.
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Zoe’s eyes fluttered open when Greed started to have a death grip on her, she squirmed a little as she knew something was wrong but didn’t know what. She kissed his cheek and his ear saying softly, “Chance..? Wake up, you’re having a bad dream..” he’d done this once before but it was after they broke up and she couldn’t stay. Right now she was here for him.
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But it wasn't a dream. It was a memory that was leaking out for the first time in decades. Stella's body was so heavy in his arms as he closed her eyes with a brush of his fingers down the lids. Zoe's calm words only made him squeeze his eyes even tighter, more tears escaping as if he hadn't cried in years. Crying for Stella, for Josie, for what he wanted to hang onto with Zoe.
On the day they'd buried her Greed had actually smiled. He thought that he'd come out on top, but it was the only time he had nothing. He didn't want to be there again.
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Zoe was getting really worried and she squirmed, her arms around him gently shaking him, “Wake up wake up wake up...” she tried again, she had no idea what was plaguing him.
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These thoughts hurt because they were not made up stories. These hurt. It wasn't anything like the Satan induced nightmares that drove him crazy. He wanted to wake up, he didn't want to keep remembering the things that made him feel so alone.
When he finally released the grip on his eyelids, his eyes were glossy. He wasn't lost, just standing in front of that open door unable to close it.
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Zoe’s big brown eyes were wide and looking in his glossy blues when he finally opened them, “What is it..?” she asked softly. She was completely bewildered at what had him like this. Given the multitude of crap they fielded in the last day alone it wasn’t a surprise but she was there for him. They’d get through it together.
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He was surprised to see her on the other end of this ghost of a memory that had forged its way up front and center to his mind. Something so small big enough to draw out all the human regret.
"A memory," he said in a hushed voice. No one else could hear, but it was a weak spot in his tough, fearless shield.
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She stroked the hair at the nape of his neck in a soothing manner, not wanting to push but just gently nudge, “Of what..?” her voice just as quiet as his. It was only the two of them in this area but even then..
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His mind was fumbling out all the thoughts but his mouth couldn't move at the same pace. He got a little tongue-tied trying, but eventually it came out.
"Stella." His voice was choppy. "I'd forgotten how awful she was at playing the piano," he tried to laugh behind those glassy eyes, but it didn't stay. "I couldn't accept her then." Neither Stella or Zoe had been the Josie that crushed his black heart and took away from him with one running leap. Stella had only catered to him. She didn't see him and he didn't see her in the way Zoe could. All girls were different and yet they threaded together in this web that was Greed.
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It was such a small memory, no, not small memory, it was such a small detail that she didn’t expect it out of Greed. It sometimes shamed her how when he remembered details about her it took her by surprise. But he was quite attentive. She kept stroking the back of his neck in that way she did, “You couldn’t accept her piano playing...?” she was trying to figure out why this memory was triggering such a deep reaction.
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He was lulled by the simple motions of her fingers. It was calming this time. "No, I could accept the lousy piano playing. It was real." It was her he couldn't accept. "It was her I couldn't get past." Stella had lost her interest when she tried to be Lust, or played shy and innocent. Greed didn't want a face then, he wanted someone to hang onto then. Lust. Josie. But Stella didn't fit except when she was herself. It was times like that he'd actually felt bad for conspiring and eventually killing her. He definitely wasn't kind to her physically or mentally.
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Zoe slowly nodded, “Because she was stuffed full of influence..?” she rubbed her lips together, continuing the motion on the back of his head, trying to understand. Though, Josie had been pumped full of influence as well, but there was a difference in the two girls and she’d have to wait till Greed talked more to understand it.
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"She had Lust and me both. It just wasn't what I wanted. I'd thought it would go differently. Lust painted this fantastic picture. It was a win-win but after a week or so it just made me mad." He exhaled that heavy breath he'd been holding inside. "I got bored. I wanted Josie. I wanted Lust. But all I got was a watered down version of both and it wasn't satisfying enough to keep her around. She just annoyed me. Plucking the same strings as Lust. I wanted someone to want me."
Being here made him question the what ifs when he never backpeddled too far. "Maybe I shouldn't...she was so young."
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Zoe had to be careful with her words. She couldn’t tell him what he did was okay, because it wasn’t. But maybe he could learn from it. Try to understand it. “No, you probably shouldn’t have.. but Chance, you didn’t even know who you were back then, so how could they want you?” he always said she was the one that saw his real face, a face he didn’t even know he had. “And with Josie.. wasn’t she.. like Stella? She was influenced by you but something about her despite that kept your interest..”
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"No," There were some memories of Josie that had started to fade. Not her blue eyes or her golden hair. She was delicate like a doll with porcelain skin, pink pouty lips. "Josie was passionate with or without me. Stella wasn't." Stella was content in being the little wife who Hung on his every word. "She had no fight." That made her flat. He could only do so much with someone who lacked complete personality.
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She knew this was about Stella but Greed so rarely shared about Josie either and that was the girl he compared Zoe most often to, she couldn’t help but ask, “If Josie was passionate with or without you.. and you liked her spirit.. why did you influence her? Did she like you on her own at first?” it was just curious how that happened. She’d tried asking before about what attracted him to Josie. Why her out of all the girls in the world. But he’d never been able to give a solid answer. But now this she found was a better question.. how did Josie find him?
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"Josie didn't want me. She was interested in someone else." He'd first spotted her in the market with her gorgeous blonde hair. His interest in her had gone unnoticed because she had her eye elsewhere. He'd had no other choice but to sway her attention by pumping her up.
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Zoe gave him an incredulous look, it was hard to imagine anyone not wanting him. “Oh Chance..” was all she said softly. It was a tone that carried much more than just the simplistic words. It was of understanding, sadness and disappointment also because she saw how the story was going. Josie hadn’t wanted him and Greed got what he wanted. He had to have her desperately most likely because she didn’t want him.
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"I couldn't let him get her first," his voice was still hushed, blue eyes dimmed as they looked into hers. He'd suffocated Josie by taking her away from her own desires, her family and friends. He took everything away that would come between them.
"It took months," because Josie fought him. Eventually, she gave in, but her heart beat for someone else. She felt love and then it was cloaked with Greed so she didn't even know her own feelings anymore. Greed took advantage where he could and then thought he had love when it wasn't his to take in the first place.
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“You actually liked her...” she said the words slowly as if it was a revelation almost. “Not just as a toaster. You liked her as a real boy and when she didn’t like you back..” things made a lot more sense now. It wasn’t his small admission now that made it fall into place, it was taking all the bits and pieces she knew and putting it together.
“You tried to turn her love for someone else into love for you by using influence.. but it corrupts and that wasn’t love what she had left for you.” she lowered her lashes and rested her brow against his, feeling very.. sad for him. It was why it hurt so much, it was why he spent so much time on Josie, why he worked so hard. He tried to force the most natural thing in the world.
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Her words were a brick. Josie, without meaning to had made the idea of love even more appealing than just taking it from the other side. Greed had become desperate to obtain it like a cyclone. Once he'd had her he'd tainted something so magical. There was no going back from there, and in the end in a fight to keep what was left of herself she had killed herself.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore," he sniffled, closing his eyes which were thick lashes in a waterbed of his tears.
He'd talked to her about this before briefly, but it never hurt any less. Josie had left a scar, a deep wounded scar that he was never likely to forget. This was why keeping Zoe's love and affection had become so treasured. He hadn't forced it, but he never wanted to let her go.
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She nodded, they didn’t have to talk about it anymore. She wouldn’t force him to. She kissed his cheek, his jaw, his lips. She squeezed him tight in her arms, her legs a mess of limbs with his, she wanted him to feel her warm naked body right there with him.She was alive, she was his, she was here.
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Greed snuggled up with her, tangled in ribbons with her limbs. He could feel her pulse pound against her lips as they pressed against his face in a soothing swoop. It quenched the tears but not the hurt.
He sniveled again, wiping away all those leaky waterworks that had traveled down his face. He was needed despite everything he'd told her. Maybe there really was a god.
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She kissed him lovingly, tenderly, her hand touching his cheek and not feeling repulsed by the wetness there like he was. She wouldn’t lie, it wasn’t perfect. She wasn’t mooning over Greed all the time. There were times she regretted meeting him, regretted loving him, their life of stolen moments. There were times when she wanted to erase everything like a chalkboard. But they were only moments. In the end, the big picture, she knew deep in her heart that this was where she was meant to be. With him. It was something stronger than fate. She didn’t know what but she needed him as much as he needed her. It had nothing to do with wanting, it was a different level.
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He constantly broke and twisted the purest of things. It was like this that felt like he didn't destroy everything he touched. This was purer than Josie because Zoe had taken something from him.
"Sometimes I think you know me better than I do myself," he pulled away from her lips in a shaky breath. Was this what humans really called love? Real love. Like the love she talked about, the love movies mocked with cheesy titles and bad dialogue. He'd felt it before even with his sin face. He'd told her. Right now he was drowning in it happily. He didn't care if he ever returned.
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She didn’t know if that was true, half the time she didn’t know what he was thinking. But she smiled softly asking in a whisper, “Is that a bad thing..?” not really knowing if he liked that or not.
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"I've never had anyone like that," he grabbed her lips in another slow, tender kiss, hugging his arms around her. What he whispered in her ear were the honest confessions of the boy under the Sin. He loved her. Honest. Pure and in all its forms. He kissed the base of her neck where it plunged into her collar bone after those words. This time he knew exactly what he was saying and he didn't want her to cast it off in an array of excuses.
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She didn’t get to reply before he found something much more interesting to do with her lips than let her talk. She dipped her head almost as if she were in prayer while he whispered in her ear and if it was possible, her body was glowing with his words. A warm blush swept her cheeks and for the first time she didn’t question or deny his admission of love. She simply accepted it and even though she couldn’t say it back to him, she hoped he knew how she felt and if not, she was happy to let her kiss speak for her.