Kaye (jabberwocky999) wrote in naruto_asylum, @ 2008-01-17 16:01:00 |
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Entry tags: | ch - neji, ch - sasuke, fw - fanfic |
Turning to Stay
First post. Ever.
Title: Turning to Stay
Genre: Angst. Smut. The works.
Pairings: Neji/Sasuke
Warnings: Sex. Yaoi. Undressing. Alcohol. Some sexual violence. Yeah.
Summary: There had been passion, lust, and possibly even love… And then there had been Naruto.
Comments: Wrote this a year ago for a Naruto Secret Santa fic exchange, and I still think it's one of my better works. Enjoy!
Sasuke was not a big drinker, but he needed a drink. He needed one badly. His hands were shaking in his pockets as he stalked through the streets, eyes darting from side to side looking for a bar of some kind. Even as he told himself to calm down, he could feel his teeth grinding against each other. This was not a big deal. It was not, and there was no reason to get upset over such a little thing. Little. Yes. It was just a little thing that he should not have been freaking out over.
Naruto was getting married.
Good. Great. Wonderful for him. No reason why he should be upset. None. Except…
Fuck.
He could see the faltering neon sign advertising a bar inside one restaurant or another. That would work. That was perfect. He just needed a drink to calm his racing mind. Damn Naruto. Damn him for always throwing Sasuke off guard. Just like that one time… except he was not going to think about that. He was not. He was just going to keep walking forward toward that little restaurant that held the alcohol he needed. Just a drink. Just one. Then he would be fine.
His hand reached toward the brass knob, but before he could open the door, it swung open and he had to jump back to avoid getting hit. The person on the other side of the door stared. Sasuke stared.
There was silence.
What the fuck was he doing here? It was just his luck. Of all the nights he had to run into this person, it had to be tonight. He was starting to think that the idea of having three or four drinks sounded very pleasing. Possibly even five. Six if he had enough money.
The Hyuuga’s expression wrote out all of Sasuke’s thoughts perfectly. With his pale white eyes widened and his mouth dropped just a tiny bit in surprise, Sasuke could still make out how his hand gripped the door tightly and every tension line that ran along his neck was visible. Neither said anything.
“What are you doing here?”
The words spilled out of Sasuke’s mouth before he realized what he was saying. He had been hanging around Naruto too much, speaking without thinking. Damn Naruto. Damn stupid words. Damn weddings. And damn Neji who was staring at him with the most peculiar expression. Sasuke suddenly wished he knew how to read people as well as Neji always could; the Hyuuga could see into a person’s mind simply by reading their facial expression. How he could do it, Sasuke never knew, but now he wished he had learned. Or asked. Or something.
“I work here. Still.”
Still. As in as he always had before. Somewhere during his walking, he had wound up in front of the restaurant Neji worked at, had always worked at. Sasuke had known that, and yet he had ended up here of all places. Fantastic. Perfect. Wonderful. God, he was going insane.
“Oh.”
He was starting to sound very intelligent as well. He could just imagine what was going through Neji’s mind right then. Probably something along the lines of wondering if Sasuke had hit his head recently. Maybe he should; it would probably clear his head a bit.
“Why are you here?”
Neji’s voice was so flat, so lost of any emotion. It was so different from those days. Whether they were fighting, getting along, or pretending the other did not exist, his voice always held that secret hint of emotion that he could never hide. It was something that Sasuke had always listened for, something that Sasuke loved hearing. Not this flatness, this rock-like tone that gave nothing away.
“I needed a drink.”
Now he really needed one. Neji gave a small nod, accepting that answer. Sasuke found himself opening his mouth, perhaps to say more, but there was suddenly a voice from behind the older boy.
“Excuse me.”
Without even a thought, Neji shifted to the side to let an elderly couple through. They smiled at him, giving him thanks, and Neji returned it with a smile of his own and small apology for standing in the doorway. It was such a simple exchanged, but Sasuke watched it almost mesmerized. This was not the Hyuuga he remembered.
He remembered somebody who would have been a coldhearted arrogant bastard toward them, giving them a glare for no apparent reason. He remembered a person who would have been cold toward the world, hating it all for what it was, hating it all except… him. He remembered the secret smiles that only he would get, smiles that were special for him alone. That was what he remembered, and now everything was backwards.
Toward the world, Neji had grown soft, and toward Sasuke, he had grown cold. Sasuke knew it made sense, but it did not stop the wondering thoughts on this change. Except, he knew why it had taken place. He had been the cause of it all. It was all him. He was the reason Neji was so cold toward him now; he was the reason Neji had changed—and probably for the better. When Sasuke had left Neji, the Hyuuga had become a better person.
Without Sasuke, Neji was no bastard.
“You’ve changed,” he said, after the couple had disappeared around the block.
“You haven’t,” the Hyuuga replied.
And maybe that was true.
Then Neji was walking past him, his dark hair pulled back into a ponytail and cascading down his back. Sasuke could feel a sudden surge of panic as the Hyuuga walked away; he suddenly had to say something. Anything.
“Naruto’s getting married.”
It made Neji stop in his tracks. He turned his head to look over his shoulder at the Uchiha but did not turn around.
“To who?”
Not to me.
“To some girl… I don’t remember her name.”
It was more like Sasuke had not heard the name through the ringing in his ears. Maybe he was an attention seeker; he and Naruto had been over for ages, and yet he still found himself feeling betrayed over this. He still felt so alone… forgotten… Back in high school, there had been his fan club following him around wherever he went. He used to hate that. Then there had been Neji who had taken an interest in him. Then there had been passion, lust, and possibly even love…
And then there had been Naruto.
“Good for him. Tell him I say congratulations.”
There was no sympathy left for Sasuke. He was not surprised.
“Are you going home?”
Am I ever going to see you again? Are you ever going to look at me the same way again?
“No. I’m on break. I still have two hours till I get off shift.”
Then he was gone. Two hours. Two hours till he got off shift. Two hours to get so drunk he could not think anymore. Why he was associating when Neji would get off work and how long he had to drink, he did not know. At least, that’s what he told himself. He was not hoping to leave when Neji left. He was not hoping to leave with Neji when he left. He was not hoping that.
He was still getting over Naruto’s news. Since when did he change channels so fast?
Three years. That was a lot of time between them.
* * *
Neji had returned from break about forty-five minutes later. Sasuke was seated at the bar, on his second glass of some sort of alcohol that was bitter and burned, but suited Sasuke’s tastes just fine. Whatever it was, the bartender—a pink-haired girl that had winked as she handed him the drink ‘on the house’—had recommended it, saying that it would make him forget whatever problems he had. It had worked just fine, until Neji had returned.
Sasuke had spotted him the moment he walked into the restaurant again. He watched as he walked through the restaurant and slipped behind the counter to work to take his place at the register. The whole time, the Hyuuga pretended as though Sasuke was not in the room. Or perhaps he did not care. Either way, those pale eyes never even glanced in his direction, and Sasuke sipped his drink, grimacing at the taste but relishing in the burn. He deserved it.
He watched for over an hour as Neji served customers, giving each of them a small smile as all employees were supposed to. Showing all of these strangers the smile that used to be so rare and saved for only him. Somewhere during that time, he had gotten a refill for his drink, and he was about three-quarters of the way through when the manager came up to Neji, said something to him, and left. A moment later, the longhaired boy left the cash register.
He was getting ready to leave.
Sasuke still did not know why he had been waiting for this moment all night, but he jumped up and paid for his drinks hastily before following him out the door. Again, he was ignored. The night air had grown colder during Sasuke’s time in the restaurant, but he ignored it and caught up with the Hyuuga only to realize that he still had no idea what he was doing.
A glance was thrown his way.
“You’re drunk.”
Was he? He seemed to be walking alright, but his head did feel a little fuzzy and he knew he had drunk at most three glasses.
“So?”
He did not say anything other than that. He did not know what to say. Everything was a jumble in his head, and all he could focus on was how bright Neji’s eyes seemed in the moonlight. He was truly losing his mind now. There was something wrong with this whole picture, but he did not care. He had other things to worry about… like what the fuck he was doing in the first place.
Neji continued walking, and Sasuke continued following. The Uchiha knew where they were going. It had been three years, but he recognized where they were headed right away. The scenery had not changed any, and he could see Neji’s apartment building coming up quickly. He was going to have to figure out what to say before they got there. But Sasuke had never been much of a talker, so he remained silent, wishing he knew what he was doing.
A sigh left the Hyuuga’s lips and suddenly the taller boy was standing directly in front of him. Finally, he asked, “What do you want, Sasuke?”
His eyes were dark and unexpressive as they looked down at him, but Sasuke knew that Neji was annoyed. Sasuke would have been annoyed too if he had been in the Hyuuga’s shoes, but he could not care about that at the moment. He stared at Neji, unblinking, unsure of what to say but unwilling to back down.
“Naruto and I didn’t last that long.”
Why he had to bring up Naruto again, Sasuke did not know. He could have hit himself right then if he could, but instead, he just stared at Neji gauging his reaction. But like he had been all night, his expression was unreadable. Unexpressive. Closed off from Sasuke’s prying eyes. It made the Uchiha want to scream or punch something, but he had ruined that himself. It was entirely his fault. There was nobody left to blame but himself.
“Two years.”
How Neji knew that, Sasuke did not want to know. Instead, he bowed his head slightly and nodded. He had only lasted with Naruto a month less than his relationship with Neji. It was not that much less. One of them was just a high school fling, however, and the other had been a college relationship. Sasuke wanted those high school days back again.
“Yeah… two years…” He swallowed. “What about you?”
“What about me? Are you asking if I’m with anybody?”
God, not him too. Sasuke could feel his muscles tense at the idea of Neji being with somebody. He would be with somebody who loved him and cared for him and would not ditch him like Sasuke did. This somebody would make him happy; they would never fight. The two of them used to fight too much. Way too damn much. And with this somebody, he wouldn’t. Then everybody would be happy. Except Sasuke. Except the most selfish guy on the planet.
“…Sure. Are you?”
“That’s none of your business, Sasuke. It hasn’t been for over two years now.”
It was three years now, but he was not going to point that out. He just bit his lip and turned his head away, unsure of what to say now. It really was not his business. He just happened to run into Neji while looking for a drink. Because Naruto was getting married. And Naruto was happy. And Naruto was in love. And Sasuke wasn’t. He wasn’t any of those things, and secretly, he realized that he could have been, had he not been stupid. He was so stupid.
I am so stupid.
“I know…”
“What do you want, Sasuke?”
What did he want? Neji had already asked this, and yet he had still failed to answer. And now, he was being faced with this question again. What did he want?
To go back in time.
To make things right again.
To not be alone.
What did Sasuke want?
“I… I don’t know.”
There was a pause.
“Why are you here?”
“I… I don’t know!”
“Then what the hell are you bothering me for, Sasuke? Just go on home. You’re drunk; you’ve obliviously got something going on—”
Whatever else Neji was going to say about Sasuke’s issues was cut off by a pair of lips. Neji gave a small sound between a gasp and a sound of protest, but Sasuke pressed harder against him, driving the older boy back until his back hit something. With solid wall behind him, the Hyuuga finally had good enough leverage to pry the Uchiha off of him.
“Uchiha—stop!”
Sasuke looked up at him with needing eyes. Neji had asked what he wanted, why he was here… the answer was all in that kiss. White eyes stared down at him, not hating and yet not exactly accepting either. They were clouded with emotion, though, and that was the very thing Sasuke had been waiting to see. He wanted to be worth something; he wanted to be worth enough to Neji again to see those emotions that he tried to hide.
“I can’t go home. I might be drunk, but I can’t… not till…”
The Hyuuga’s face hardened and he turned away as he pulled himself from the trap that the Uchiha had backed him up into. His wiped his mouth off with the back of his hand, his gaze refusing to meet the other boy’s. The whole while, Sasuke’s eyes bore into his back, waiting for some sort of reaction. Some sort of answer. He needed to know.
“I can’t go through this again.”
How they ended up in Neji’s bedroom, Sasuke will never know. He just remembered grabbing Neji to stop him from leaving and then the rest was a blur of hands, mouths, and skin on skin contact. There was a familiarity to this; there was a practiced passion that went along with the way they moved. The way they fit together was like puzzle pieces. Somewhere between the front door and the kitchen, they had both lost their shirts.
Neji stumbled him backwards into a wall and kissed him hard. Sasuke moaned into the kiss, missing this and this feeling. Nails grazed across Neji’s bare back as Sasuke fought furiously back into the kiss. It was like they were back in high school again; it was like nothing had ever happened; it was like they had gone back in time. Sasuke clung to this moment as he pulled from the kiss and ran his teeth along Neji’s jaw line. Why he was doing this, he did not know. All he knew was that he wanted this again; he wanted Neji again.
Why had he been so stupid as to break it off?
“Why am I doing this again?” Neji breathed, his voice sounding throaty and a little unsure.
Sasuke paused in his attack on the Hyuuga’s neck to look up at him. Dark eyes caught white and old feelings were dug up again. All thoughts of this being wrong were thrown out the window. Naruto was getting married. Good for him. Neji was here now, and this time Sasuke would not be stupid enough to let him go. He wouldn’t.
An ironical smirk graced the Uchiha’s features as he fumbled with the Hyuuga’s fly. The zipper dropped down and his pants followed as Sasuke said, “I don’t know. Why are you?” Then, without waiting for an answer, he gripped Neji’s length through his boxers.
The answer he got was in the form of a throaty moan, choked down horribly as he tried to hold back. He was always trying to keep some of his dignity in tact, even during sex. It was something about the Hyuuga arrogance that always amused Sasuke, something that he missed. He missed a lot. He missed this.
He pulled Neji down for another kiss.
He missed it all.
A wet tongue traveled down Sasuke’s neck and down to his chest, teeth grazing and playing with his nipples. Sasuke moaned, head lolling back at the sensations traveling through his body. All the while, his mind was racing. He let his hands travel down Neji’s back before hooking his fingers into the boxers and pulling those down as well. Neji always wore too much clothing, he thought shakily as he felt Neji starting to undo his pants as well. His breathing was hitching, and as his pants dropped, a shiver traveled up his spine.
Sasuke stepped out of the discarded clothing and lips reclaimed his once again. Neji’s nails were digging into his arms so tightly that he was sure that there were going to be marks left over, and the kisses that he was receiving were filled with intensity, leaving him with bruised lips. It was intoxicating.
They stumbled further through the hallway, searching for the bedroom, but with both of their eyes closed and their attention focused elsewhere, it was almost impossible. He was so enraptured by the way Neji was treating his body, the way he was moving. He really wished he could stop time forever. He wished he could be lost in this one moment of lust and passion and never have to go back to the way of the world again.
Fuck the world.
Fuck Naruto and his fucking marriage.
Fuck himself and his fucking stupid decisions.
And fuck—that hurt.
Sasuke winced as the frame of the door that he was pushed into dug into his back. Neji dropped to his knees before him, and he gasped as his boxers were pulled off, his heated flesh being exposed to cool air. Even with his head thrown back and his eyes screwed shut, he knew Neji was close when he felt the sudden waft of warm air wash over his shaft.
He held his breath waiting for what he knew was coming. Instant pleasure was the only way to describe it as Neji’s mouth, wet and warm, surrounded the tip of his cock. For a moment, the older boy did nothing, and Sasuke had to use all of his self control not to grab his head and start thrusting into his mouth. Instead, he tangled his fingers into Neji’s hair and breathed with as much control as he could. The Hyuuga got the message, and with a quick flick of the tongue over the slit at the tip, he slid his mouth further along the length.
The muscles in Neji’s mouth moved as the older boy relaxed his throat around Sasuke’s engorged length, and he could feel every movement. Teeth ran along his length gently, leaving just enough pain in their wake that Sasuke squirmed and swallowed moans, wanting more. He tried to hold it back like Neji always did, but the Hyuuga was a master at getting reactions out of people and it was not long before Sasuke found himself at his whim.
That was something that Neji always managed to do. Sasuke was a proud person; he did not like being controlled, but the idea of being controlled and provoked by Neji never bothered him. It never made him feel uncomfortable. It always just seemed right and perfect; he never questioned it. That was the way it was, and the way it would always be.
And then there had been Naruto, and everything had fallen apart.
Neji’s mouth was suddenly gone, and Sasuke looked down at him with wide eyes, wondering what the hell the other guy was doing. But before he could say anything, a strong hand was wrapping around his length and he found himself being pushed into the bedroom—for the doorway they had been in had been to the bedroom—and pushed backwards as his hardened length was pumped. It was the hardest thing, walking backwards while being jacked off, but Sasuke somehow managed it until he felt the mattress press against the back of his knees.
A free hand pushed him down onto the bed.
“Come for me, Sasuke.”
Sasuke cracked open his eyes to catch Neji’s, black eyes of abyss staring into endless white shores, and the fire in his belly suddenly rushed forward. He cried out, his back arching up into Neji’s touch, wanting and needing him. He had always needed him; he just was stupid at times, getting distracted too easily and led astray just as quickly. Semen spilled into Neji’s hand as the tension was released from his body along with all energy.
Black eyes stared lazily up at the ceiling as the aftermath of his orgasm left his body feeling heavy. For a moment, all was silent and still in the Uchiha’s head until he felt his legs being nudged apart. He remembered this part from back in high school, but he was still not ready for the now foreign feeling of the finger invading him. He groaned, hips rising—either to bury the finger deeper or in an attempt to get rid of the foreign digit—and squirming at the feeling.
It had been over three years since he had felt this; this feeling of somebody else entering his body in what was almost a sick yet erotic way. A second finger joined the first, and his hips squirmed more as his hands fisted themselves into Neji’s bed sheets. Naruto had never been a big fan of anal sex; he especially did not like the idea of fucking a guy from behind. At the time, Sasuke had not minded the absence of this feeling. Now, he wished he had never forgotten it.
The fingers were removed and a moment later he heard a small moan. Sasuke rose himself slightly to see Neji lubricating himself with the milky substance that the Uchiha had produced. It was a sight that used to be as common as day, but now was like a film he had not seen in ages. He watched, mesmerized, as the hand moved up and down the hardened shaft, leaving Sasuke’s seed in its wake.
Then Neji’s gaze rose and white eyes met black. There was a moment where they simply stared at each other. The time lapse between the last time they had done this and now was obvious, and Neji’s eyes seemed to darken slightly at that realization. It was the first time all night that Sasuke knew exactly what Neji was thinking without having to guess. It was the first time that night that Neji did not try to mask his thoughts from him.
A strong grip suddenly wrapped around his ankle, and Sasuke cried out as he was suddenly yanked forward, falling off of his elbows and head falling back, and flipped over without pause. His legs hung off the side of the bed, and Sasuke found himself facedown on the mattress. Before he could question anything though, there was a sudden blinding burst of pain as Neji pushed in roughly without warning. Sasuke screamed into the cotton comforter.
He should have known that there had been too much time between the last time they had done this and now for it to feel good with it being so quick, but Neji did not seem to realize his discomfort as he started to thrust into him hard and fast without pause. Nails dug into the bed as he tried to keep from crying out at each thrust. He could feel all of the anger and frustration of the past two years leaving Neji and being pounded into him with each movement of those hips. All of the loneliness and upset feelings that Sasuke had left Neji with when he had left unexpectedly. It was all there in the way the Hyuuga was moving.
And it was his entire fault.
Blinding sensations of pleasure mixed with pain shot through his system as Neji continued, unrelenting with his movement. His own depression started to rise, and Sasuke wondered why. Despite the pain, he was experiencing the best sex he had in a while, and he was growing hard again, his cock already begging for release. So, why? Why should he feel bad? Why was there a knot building at the base of his throat making it almost hard to breathe as he cried out with each thrust and movement?
The thrusts were starting to come more erratic and hands came down to frame Sasuke’s head, looking for better leverage. He was lying here, with the man he had unintentionally sought out, and getting exactly what he had come for. Later, he would leave, satisfied, and it would be fine.
A water droplet from above landed on the back of Sasuke’s neck. Just a droplet of sweat, adding to the slick feeling already lacing his body. Except Neji’s hitched breaths were starting to sound more like constant gasps, and words, so quiet that he did not catch them when they first started, began to reach his ears.
“…again. Why am I doing this? I can’t do this again… Fuck you, Uchiha. Fuck you.”
And suddenly the tension in his throat made sense as he forced himself to swallow the cry of guilt that was threatening to escape, and failing as it was ripped from his throat, mixed in with his second orgasm. His body seized, spasms running through his muscles as his overly abused prostrate released the tension from his joints. A moment later, in a flurry of movement and half-cries, Neji climaxed. It tore from him, spilling into the boy below him, and Sasuke froze as he heard his name among the cries.
Neji still called his name in ecstasy even after damning him just a moment before; Sasuke was still the person he thought about when he had sex. The guilt in the Uchiha’s gut built as Neji pulled out and collapsed on the bed beside him. Dark eyes looked over at his lover, his throat seizing as he saw the moonlight shining through the window reflect off of the tear marks on the Hyuuga’s cheeks. A second later, he was staring in cold white eyes.
He had been caught staring.
He did not care.
It was his fault that there were tears in the first place.
Before Sasuke could think of anything to say, maybe to remedy the situation, maybe to make it seem less wrong, less hurtful, Neji was sitting up and reaching for a robe at the end of the bed. Sasuke watched as he wrapped himself in the cloth and stood, about to leave the room.
“You’re probably still drunk,” he said, and the Hyuuga’s voice was raw and dry and it pained Sasuke to have to hear it. “You can crash here for the night if you need to. I’ll sleep on the couch.”
Sasuke pulled himself up to a sitting position as he watched Neji start to walk out of the room.
I made the biggest mistake in my life three years ago, he realized, watching the dampened dark hair gleam in the light, watching the way the body moved as each step was taken, watching as the Hyuuga demanded respect even as Sasuke could still make out the tear marks on those cheeks.
Three years ago, it had made sense to break it off with the Hyuuga. He had only known Neji for three years; they had been going out for two and a half of that. When Naruto, his friend of eight years, had come around to being something more, it had made more sense. Stay with a person he’d only known for so long and had been sleeping with longer, or attempt to live happily ever after with the best friend he’d known practically his whole life and knew inside and out. It had made sense at the time; it had made perfect sense. Neji was one year older than him; they were going to different colleges; they only got to see each other from time to time…
It had made sense.
Now it didn’t.
“Stay.”
Neji stopped in the doorway, the light from the hallway giving him a halo affect as he turned to look back at him. The white-eyed boy seemed to understand the implications under those words, and he turned away again.
“I’ve never left, Sasuke. It’s always been you.”
Suddenly, they were talking about something completely different and Neji was looking at him as though searching his very soul. Neji was the only person that could look at him that way and not make him feel uncomfortable. He sat there, eyes staring right back at him, unblinking, promising, and hoping. Hoping for time to go back. Hoping for mistakes to be remedies. Hoping for all of the stupid things he had done in his life to go away.
“I don’t plan on leaving this time.”