Mia Alexandrakis ʚɞ Polyxena (polyxene) wrote in mythologs, @ 2012-03-31 21:45:00 |
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Entry tags: | polyxena, troilus |
Characters: Troilus [apromisedglory] & Polyxena [polyxene]
Date/Time: Backdated.
Location: Coffee shop.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Implied incest subtext.
Summary: Things have changed after Zurvan.
Troilus was guilty of not wanting to see his baby sister. He was guilty of many things when it came to Polyxena, including some things that might have one of his brothers punch him over, but he'd never been guilty of this until now.
For so long he had clutched on to her, wanted her for himself and no other, firmly believing only he could be so good for her. The right one. The only one. And then, while they didn't even know one another or their own histories, they hadn't come together. It bothered him that she gravitated toward another with ease. That she even locked herself in a marriage. Not a word from her, not a thought, it seemed.
It was enough to tell him he had to stop. No more could he pursue Polyxena the way he had. She was meant to be someone else's. Certainly not some dirty Greek's (never going to happen) but maybe that knight. The king, if she still wanted him.
But not his. It left him in less than joyous spirits when he thought of his little sister, enough to decide he didn't want to see her yet. He just didn't know what he would do if he did.
Polyxena knew he was avoiding her, how could she not? She loved her brother - knew him well enough to know when something was not right. This was not right. So she did the one thing she thought that could be done- went to wait for him outside his place. Patience was a quality she had in spades, so it did not dishearten her to see he was not home.
She'd always been an advocate of the floor, so sitting against his door she picked up the book she's brought along and read while waiting. Maybe she ought to have brought coffee or something since it looked to be a long term affair, but Polyxena didn't want to leave because she might miss him.
No, it was best to wait patiently until he came. Troilus would appear. Eventually.
If he had even some idea, he might have asked for a break to go home simply because he didn't like the idea of her sitting on a hard floor for hours. Regrettably, he had no idea and it would be some time before he would return home.
His keys had been in hand, his mind focused on making taking Cassandra out for dinner if she herself were home when he saw Polyxena. He halted in his track, his lips forming a thin line. A year ago, she had preferred distance. Now, it seemed that had changed. But he wasn't displeased over that, no, it came back to the hard floor she had to content herself with.
"Polyxena, you should have called."
Polyxena turned her head to look at Troilus, joy over her features as she got up to her feet and rubbed her back. Ow, that had not been a comfortable stay. "Is that how you greet me now?" She stepped towards him after pocketing the book in her bag. "So formal." There was nothing unfriendly in her observations, not even hurt (yet) just stating the facts (rules of engagement. She knew, he knew, she knew).
"It seems there was no one home, I do not mind waiting."
"I should give you a key if you plan on doing this more often," he informed her, chiding her in the same breath. He believed she didn't know if his neighbours were entirely decent sorts or when he would have returned. Her safety mattered, no matter how his feelings were toward her in the moment.
"I'm greeting you as I should have from the start, sweet sister. Though the formality is my fault, not yours."
"Something is wrong." Polyxena leaned back against the door fully, she didn't step closer preferring to give Troilus his space. It was just in her nature to do that. Give whoever space, regardless of her instinct. "I'm glad to see you, regardless. I would've come sooner but..." an elegant shrug. Honestly Polyxena hadn't felt... welcome, she was too used to Troilus' open affection and drawing her to him that the lack of that was disconcerting.
He wanted to ask her what she thought it was but the hallway was far from the right place. So he reached out, not touching but beckoning her to follow him. "I'm not sure if Cassandra is in but let's go somewhere else just in case. This needs to be done in private."
"Of course." She couldn't suppress the surprise over the fact that he had not touched her, beckoning her to follow instead. Something was very wrong but Polyxena didn't know what. Well, whatever it was they would solve it, because they were siblings, right? Or so her mind said. Siblings. Only not really.
They would need to talk it out and see.
She'd be led down and out in silence, toward a nearby coffee shop. No Starbucks but charming enough and open so late. Ordering something would at least keep them from being shooed out so he would lead to the counter and would wait for her to ask for something. He knew he'd ask for black coffee. It wouldn't really keep him up anymore than his cases did.
And however this conversation went...well. That might keep him up, too.
She ordered peppermint tea and then picked a table at the back, private and comfortable. The plan was to let him talk, let him unburden whatever his mind was carrying. While Polyxena would like to think she was not nervous, nothing could be further from the truth, she was close to being terrified - whatever it was, whatever she had done- had it damaged things forever?
The made a dull ache spread through her chest and she craddle the warm cup of tea in her hands ignoring when it began getting too hot for her fingertips.
His seating was chosen with care. To sit across from her was distant. But to seat right beside her was intimate. So he chose something more or less in between: the chair at her side but pushed away to face her. Resting his right ankle atop his left knee, he picked up his coffee and took a slow sip, mindful of the temperature.
"What do you think is wrong?" he asked her finally, in reference to her statement in the hallway.
At his choice of words, Polyxena gave him a sour look. "I am not blind, there is something wrong." she withdrew her fingers from the cup and began tapping on the table instead. "What is bothering you?" At this she meet his eyes steadily, just searching for hints, clues, anything.
"I never claimed otherwise," he offered, thumb sliding along his cup in slow strokes. "I only asked you what you think is wrong." His eyes, though not as pale blue as hers, betrayed a distance and uncertainty. Brows knit slightly, he glanced away, refusing to put on a cool mask that he required for the criminal variety.
"Our time in that place. That is bothering me."
Polyxena seemed momentarily taken aback by the distance and uncertainty, without thinking she reached to place her hand atop of his own. "I was not myself in that place. Not quite, whatever happened there is of no consequence." Not quite true, but she wasn't going to come out and spill everything just yet. Mostly she wanted to reassure him.
"My darling, no one can claim to be themselves. But that's the most painful thing of all, isn't it? That while we couldn't remember our histories, we couldn't find it in ourselves to be together." Lips forming the most bittersweet of smiles. "And I couldn't bear to speak to you. And you...didn't speak to me. After we parted.
"There was nothing there, was there?"
Silence.
Polyxena was silent trying to gather the pieces of information he'd told her, as well as just making sense of things. Was that really it? Instinctively she gave his hand a squeeze. "That's not true. Back then... I didn't think you'd want to speak to me, I wanted to but then I couldn't. And then... well, Samael always intended for me to marry for convenience. For him you were not- right, and. I'm sorry."
"Did you speak to him? The general who came after me?" the once Trojan prince asked, his voice unable to be anything but deceptively softness. Inside, his heart ached to even have to ask but he had to. Her hand over his, that simple assuring touched begged him to want to the truth.
"Tell me only truths, pretty Polyxena. Did you speak with him in secret?"
She could never have lied - even if she had wanted to, "Yes." her mouth was dry and it became hard to swallow in that moment. "I was in love with him then, but that doesn't mean anything." And this she spoke to comfort him, "We weren't ourselves back then. It was different, you shouldn't concern yourself with him." They were friends, her and Gawain (and thinking of him made something strange get caught in her throat, thinking of Arthur made a soft betrayal curl in her stomach). "And nothing ever happened, with anyone."
A dagger could not have done more damage. The hand that had been covered twisted to catch hers, holding it in a tight grip. "You loved him and not me when we didn't know ourselves. What greater proof is there of what the heart wants when not smothered by previous knowledge? It chose based off what you felt. Even I, back then, was myself without being Troilus of Troy.
"It's not different. Darling, it's not. It's proof and love happened. It means everything."
"I loved you too, but I was- those things were- how do we even know? How do we even accept memories which weren't our own, just made up for the moment, for those months we were there. How does that mean anything?" She countered, feeling dread crawl up her spine and wrap itself around her throat. "I loved Achilles too. How does that factor in? I refuse to accept that world, those things that happened, I will not let them."
"That life wasn't as true as the one we live now but the core of who we are." His chair moved in closer, perhaps a sign he would not leave her, would not create more distance. "Polyxena, you loved Achilles, the wretched bastard he was. You loved Gawain, the honourable knight he is.
"But you don't love me, not in the way you cared for them. Otherwise, I would have heard from you as Gawain did then. I would have received even one simple filtered message, hidden from your brother's eyes. A secret between us and no others. But that message, those words, they never came because I was not loved in the way you loved Gawain."
The fundamental truth of the matter was simple: Polyxena could never love him more because he was her brother. "It is not that simple." She shook her head, "It is not one plus one. Actions, words." She gestured with her free hand, "They don't always add up. I'm not denying that I loved them, but everyone person I love is different. I feel different about them. Achilles was loved in a different way from Gawain, from you.
"There were reasons why I contacted Gawain that had less to do with love and more to do with how to escape a marriage."
"And you wouldn't reach out to me? I loved you. I would have seen your marriage broken. I would have helped." Her hand was released but he stayed near enough. "And can you ever say you would love me in a way that you would a husband? Can you say you could see a future like that for us? I know you love me, I know you care deeply for me and would never wish to lose me. And, dearest sister, I would never wish to lose you.
"But I understand well know that I can't pursue you and desire you all for myself the way I did. You just don't treat me the same way you would someone you crave for yourself. That world may have been false but those feelings? I don't believe them to be wrong."
"I don't really want to be married. I don't really see a future like that with anyone." She was too damaged from her previous experience with Achilles to just straightforwardly see anything like that. "You're my brother." She replied automatically without any bite but perhaps bitterness.
And with that she got to her feet, "I should go."
Troilus looked up at her, not rising, not reaching. "Yes. I am your brother and that I will remain. It is all I can be. I will find contentment in that and it will be fine. You will not lose me and I not you."
But he had to find the happiness he wanted with her with another. For the sake of his sanity, he had to.